Steve Horsmon explains why your “hot mess” of vulnerability may be pushing her farther away.
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This article is bound to tick off idealists who believe “it shouldn’t be like that”.
Sorry. But for scads of married men it is like that.
The cold, hard truth is millions of “openly vulnerable husbands” (OVH) face cold, distant and disrespectful wives every day. Even in our “highly evolved” age, the year 2016 has brought more questions than answers to the modern marriage and the husbands I help.
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Shouldn’t This Be a Two-Way Street?
The typical email complaint I get from husbands sounds like this:
My wife and I are really having trouble and her anger seems to be driving it. She has been calling me needy and hates me talking about my feelings and our relationship. She pulls away when I try to get closer to her and she has been super disconnected. She says she feels smothered by me and my feelings.
I thought we were supposed to show vulnerability to women. I thought we were supposed to be open with them and also accept their vulnerability. But she doesn’t share anything with me. Shouldn’t this be a two-way street?
Answer: No. It’s not a two-way street. Let go of what is “supposed to be” and choose to deal with what “is”. Your expectation that it should be a two-way street will only create more cold and more distance. Wouldn’t it be nice if being vulnerable with your wife was easy? Sure, it would. So would financial freedom, effortless sex and world peace and, like those, it’s a lot more complicated than you would like.
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The Two-Way Street Myth about Vulnerability
Men and women are perfectly equal – but we’re not the same. If sameness is your desire, you will need to come back in another life and give it another shot.
“Sameness” is not going to evolve in your lifetime so “them’s the cards you’re dealt”.
You can choose to play or fold.
The two-way street vulnerability myth has a few misconceptions which can leave the OVH quite confused.
1. Men and women should and must display equal amounts of vulnerability in order to create true intimacy, love and sexual desire.
Expecting to achieve equal amounts of anything is a recipe for disaster. It’s easy to manage equity for domestic stuff like housework and bills. But intimacy, love and desire are not subject to the rules of domestic equality. Trying to manipulate equal effort and equal vulnerability is a set up for conflict and disappointment. Pursuing her to join you at a level of vulnerability you desire will cause her to distance herself from you. (see Pursuer/Distancer on GMP)
2. All women want a man who is willing to show his sensitivity, fears and tears for her to feel closeness, trust and sexual attraction.
Even the research by vulnerability expert Brene Brown confirms the current social conditioning of women to be disappointed and disgusted (her words) by male vulnerability. Check out her famous video. Many wives perceive their husband’s fear and uncertainty as weakness and it can scare them, piss them off and turn them off. An informal poll of any 25 honest wives will confirm this. One woman explained it to me like this, “I don’t mind him being vulnerable as long as he has a handle on how he is going to fix the problem.”
3. It’s selfish, unfair, immature and unevolved for a woman to be turned off by an OVH. She should be the safest place to vent his emotions.
Judging what feels attractive to her is a waste of your time. It’s not a conscious choice for her. It’s simply a programmed reaction. It’s no more selfish, unfair, immature and un-evolved than your reaction to a woman you find extremely unappealing (insert your image here). You could try to rationalize with her that she should be the best, safest place for you to emotionally vomit anytime you feel like it. Or you could try to debate the science of attraction with her to find a resolution. Good luck with that.
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Can you be Both Masculine and Vulnerable at the Same Time?
Of course. Men have equal rights and access to their fears, tears, uncertainty, insecurity and unbridled emotional expression. And exercising those rights does not make a man less “masculine”. Masculinity always contains the full range of human emotion. That’s not remotely debatable in my book.
My question is “Can a husband reasonably expect to sustain his masculine attractiveness to his wife if his emotional vulnerability is unchecked, uncontrolled and unregulated?”
In most cases, I believe the answer is no.
I know some will point out relationships where it works and is welcome and is warm and wonderful. Those may be the rare and truly evolved spiritual partnerships with fully realized mutuality in every respect.
But it takes two extremely conscious, intentional and willing partners to achieve that. Often these are second marriages. If this is you, don’t bother with the rest of this article. If this this isn’t you…keep reading.
Let’s talk more about how to look at your own vulnerability and why regulating it can be a powerful choice that you make for yourself.
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Don’t Lower Your Expectations – Just Change Them
Okay, you’re still here.
Let me help you change your expectations.
This isn’t about giving up hope for the marriage you imagined. It’s about changing the nature of your hope.
Instead of hoping for things to be different, hope that you can change the way you think and feel about sharing your vulnerability.
It’s a matter of personal growth. It’s a choice to learn how to create a new environment for your partner.
This happened for me first with horses. Learning it with women came after my divorce. (I’ll tell you that story later sometime)
In my time training horses I learned an incredible life lesson. I started out sucking with horses because I wanted them to fit into my expectations for rational behavior. To me they were acting stupid, irrational and scared for no good reason. They also scared me a little. This why many people believe horses are generally stupid, irrational and scared animals.
But they’re not. (neither is your wife)
They’re just programmed differently which required me to learn, understand and honor their programming. Then I had to learn a different language which was totally non-verbal. Then I had to develop patience and perseverance like never before. Then I started getting really good. Horses loved me. They trusted me and talked to me. I finally figured out the invisible communication required to “whisper” to horses. It became natural, easy and enjoyable for me. Nothing felt like a struggle anymore.
My lesson was that I was totally capable of changing my expectations, my perspective and my energy to achieve the results I wanted. I could regulate my actions according to the expectations I had of myself and still stay true to who I wanted to be.
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Do I need to hit you with a 2×4 to make my point any clearer?
Okay, I will.
I’m suggesting you can change from hoping your wife will change to deciding that you want to learn how to adapt – for you. This change requires you to act with intention to manage your emotions and create an environment conducive to more comfort and connection in your relationship.
This is a transformation you can surely realize within your lifetime – more likely in about a six months or less.
Choosing to own your stuff impacts your whole life – especially your marriage. It gives you a sense of emotional strength and leadership maybe for the first time ever.
You no longer feel like you’re walking on emotional eggshells. And you feel new confidence in your role of leading your own emotional energy. Imagine the feeling when you see her positively responding and trusting you as you operate from your new perspective.
You can do this. It’s not hard. I help guys do this every single day.
But you have to want to. And if you don’t want to, I can predict your future for you if you’d like.
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What Do You Do Now?
By now you can choose to believe me or not.
You can believe that women are negatively affected by your unregulated emotions or not.
You can believe that you are able to develop control over your expectations, perspective and emotions or not.
I’m offering this perspective for you to consider as a way out of the hot mess that may be pushing her further away.
You may be thinking I’ve forgotten the big question:
“Hey, what do I do when I need to emotionally vomit dammit?! Don’t I deserve to share my fears, tears, insecurities with anyone?”
Of course you do.
I’ve come to firmly believe the best place for this is with other men. Through my own personal development with men, the men I coach, my men’s meetup and my private men’s forum I have seen miracles happen.
These are initiated men who have chosen to accept the realities in front of them and take action to become stronger, clearer and more confident than any other time in their life. They are operating their life in accordance with their own rules – nobody else’s. They have chosen to accept the love and support of other men who not only can handle their fears, tears and insecurities – they want to.
Your wife and marriage provide you tremendous rewards, challenges and growth opportunities. You will drastically accelerate your learning, confidence and growth by bringing other men into that process.
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I help men conquer the crap that is keeping them from feeling free and powerful in their lives and marriages. I wrote a free ebook for married men called “The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage”. It’s more about saving yourself first. Download a copy HERE.
Photo Melih Ozcanli/Flickr
I feel like the first guy. Hey, guy. I would not feel you were too needy. My husband is ice cold. Wish I knew where you were. We could be needy together! My husband is not interested in me AT ALL. He makes Pamela Smart look loving by comparison. What a creep. He has said my name around three times in 16 years but he always talks about other people by name. When we were dating, I tried many times to end it but he would cry and create a scene, so me, “good Joe” gave in and didn’t leave… Read more »
I don’t really understand what is so tramatizing for men to understand that a woman will want you to share your feelings with her as long as you are not emotionally vomiting it up everywhere. This is actually no different from what men want themselves. A man will respond much more positively if you come to him in a calm manner and talk about your feelings vs you screaming or sobbing and basically emotionally vomiting on him in turn. Both men and women LIKE when the other gender exhibits self control. That doesn’t mean you can’t be honest, raw, vulnerable… Read more »
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-gender-bias-rears-its-ugly-head-in-the-best-of-relationships/
Michael J. Russer, regular contributor to this site and a lot of other things, wrote a story about how he had a vulnerable moment and shared some anxiety (economic, I presume) with his partner that one of his “gigs” was coming to an end.
Now, Michael writes a lot, in this story and in others, about the (unusually) mindful emotional connection he and his partner shares. And it really comes off as rather far from “screaming, sobbing, or emotional vomiting” to me. And yet he received a rather noticable “backlash” to his sharing.
I figured this out a long time ago. It’s nice to drink the koolaide about what women want, but I know full well that we’re talking about unicorns. But I also figured this out too. Men’s groups, from what I’ve heard, are mostly contrived. You need to do this with friends you know and trust. Friends who have known you for a long time, and respect you because they’ve worked with you, been through crazy shit with you, and survived it all with matching battle scars, and the knowledge that you’ve had each other’s backs when it mattered. The funny… Read more »
Seems pretty much like a no-win situation to me, and the best (or least bad…) thing to do is just cut or minimize your losses, sooner better than later.
I agree, FlyingKal. It’s so useless going on in a relationship that’s dead in the water, like mine. He’s only interested in playing computer games. We have not been intimate in years so I guess he’s going elsewhere. There ARE men that look at me with interest and I have one in mind I’m going to approach. I’ve had it with being ignored. I’m not allowed to touch his hair. When I try to get close he does not respond. I’d rather be alone than be in this.
I feel like it’s a losing game. This actually depresses me a bit and I’ve come to the conclusion that love and security in another person cannot actually exist. That no matter what we do (and this goes for both genders) we can never fully trust another human with our hearts. That biology will kick in and if you don’t leave, you can almost guarantee your partner will at some point. I have met several couples (my former 10 year relationship included) where one partner exited the relationship for another person. And that they have openly admitted that there wasn’t… Read more »
You are SO right, Sad about love. So right. Too bad we couldn’t all meet somewhere and talk. I’m in my second marriage and it does not look good. My poor departed father always said, “When poverty comes in the door, love flies out the window.” It’s not just money worries, he refuses to even speak my name. I wish I could have been cruel enough to leave him when we were still dating. I would tell him, please, I don’t think this is going to work. He would go to his mother and I’d get a phone call from… Read more »
OMG. So a woman explained to you: “I don’t mind him being vulnerable as long as he has a handle on how he is going to fix the problem.” Steve, you are correct to say WTF. From what I’ve read, women do not want men who listen to them being vulnerable by becoming the supposed mr-fix-it expert. Women want to be listened to with openness and presence without an opinion expressed on how to fix it. Now we have a woman who doesn’t mind the man expressing vulnerability as long as he has a plan to fix it. Sounds like… Read more »
Hey Ted, Thanks for your comments. I don’t believe in the “man box”. It’s make believe – invented by people much dumber than you and I. Some silly men and self-interested women have tried to create a profile of what the “truly good/macho/available/responsible/etc/etc” man should be. Then they use shame tactics to try to stuff men into the box. Don’t fall for it. It’s your (and mine) responsibility to simply LAUGH at the idea that society or other men/woman get to tell you and I how to be a “man”. Doesn’t matter what your profession is. You can be skilled,… Read more »
OMG. So a woman explained to you: “I don’t mind him being vulnerable as long as he has a handle on how he is going to fix the problem.” Steve, you are correct to say WTF. From what I’ve read, women do not want men who listen to them being vulnerable by adopting being the fix-it expert. Women want to be listened to with openness and presence without an opinion expressed on how to fix it. Now we have a woman who doesn’t mind the man expressing vulnerability as long as he has a plan to fix it. Sounds like… Read more »
Hey Paul, Thanks for your thoughts and the time you took to reply. That should stir up some activity on this post! ;^) As you know, this article is targeted for the already committed man with wife, house, kids, dog, etc. These guys aren’t interested so much in leaving as they are in feeling strong in their mojo again. They haven’t felt that in a long time – or ever. Like you said, the key is to choose to learn the lessons and develop new awareness. After that new skills, renewed confidence and mojo will emerge. The other option is… Read more »
The basic challenge here is that if the man is displaying normal human thoughts and feelings – you know, basic intimacy stuff, the dark feminine will emerge, raging at the “weak” male. And Steve says that’s not going to change any time soon for almost all women, except those very few who have actually spent a lot of time and energy doing their own healing and tranformative work. For those those of you men who bought into this Good Men Project thinking about getting a best friend and a lover and a life partner – AND the safe space to… Read more »