Steven Lake felt blindsided when his wife of 15 years said she wasn’t “in love” with him anymore. Here’s what he decided to do.
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WTF is what went through my head when my wife of 15 years said she is not “in love” with me. We were having a rather innocuous conversation and I said that I was still “in love” with her. I was thinking that this was a pleasant state of being given how long we have been together. Her reply was swift, unequivocal, and steely, “I’m not.” I was shocked. “What do you mean you are not in love with me,” I shot back. She explained that she loved me but was not “in love” with me. Huh! Say that again. “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” she patiently repeated for my devastated ego.
After bantering back and forth on this for a few minutes and getting nowhere fast, I said, “If you’re not in love with me, then why are you with me?” She looked at me as if I had a screw loose, and went on to say that she loves me but is not in love with me. I am getting frustrated at this point and thinking I must be missing something.
I resort to my fallback position when in a difficult situation—definitions. Maybe this is an issue of how we are looking at the concept of “in love.” She said she does not even want to be in love (double look of confusion now) as it is not real, full of hormones making people do and feel crazy things. Ah, I’m thinking, so she’s talking about when we first got together and that infatuated or hormonal feeling of ecstasy. And I agree, I don’t feel that way anymore. We have now found our first place of agreement. We both can categorically say we are not in love with each other as we were when we first started going out. Furthermore, we love each other. This is good. I am feeling much less afraid now.
But still, I insist, even though we don’t feel that overwhelming headiness of first love, I still feel “in love” with her. She responds by saying that she loves me with “all her heart.” I believe her and ask why it is so difficult to say she is “in love” with me. Now get this, she said, “I love you so much that if it makes you feel better—I will be ‘in love’ with you.”
That’s a pretty big love but part of me is still not buying it. I’m feeling a definite resistance or sticking point on her part. This conversation goes back and forth for the rest of the day while we ski, work and do our daily chores. I create a running joke about her “not being in love” with me, mainly to siphon off my hurt and disappointment.
By early evening I have stopped with the jokes and take a moment to ask her, now that she understands that for me being in love is not equated with that first love or infatuation feeling, but still has a certain warmth and excitement about it. I ask her what it would take to have some of that feeling back again. This is where the conversation gets interesting, and a little scary for me, as she said that I would need to do some of those things I used to do that made being together romantic.
My beloved wants to be surprised with gifts more often, taken out for a special meal (one that I had planned, not just us going out for dinner together on the spur of the moment), stop being so grumpy, and have more fun and lightness when we are home together. I pause and think for a second, then, “OK, I can do that.” And I saw in that moment that even though the flame of passion still burned in me, for my partner the wick was glowing but not lit.
Fortunately, she had given me the match (what to do) and now it was up to me to strike and re-kindle the flame. Somehow, maybe because her love was so evident, I was able to take this as a joyous challenge. I did not feel threatened anymore nor did I need her to be in the same place I was about being, “in love.”
Later that evening the process continued as we came up with a game we would play out for the next week. Who could be the sweetest to the other person (there would be a prize at the end of the week). It is 24 hours on since we started this game and we are having fun with it. The game has induced laughter as we try to out-sweet the other, whether it is giving a backrub, making tea or asking what the other person needs. We have already changed our typical way of interacting thus setting the stage, I hope, for my partner to be “in love.”
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photo: Michael Caven / flickr
Must say I found the article and the comments here most intriguing. I understand both sides of this coin, or at least I think I do. I’m 70 years old and was married for 42 years. The last five of which were spent in a depression so deep, I thought I would never recover from it. Of course I never expected the physicality and romance we had in the begging to last forever…that’s a complete Hollywood fantasy, unless you are with a lover and not a spouse. I did expect however, that my husband would respect and care about me… Read more »
It’s a crappy situation to be in, but probably more common than you think. It’s really worth checking out Brad Browning’s ‘Mend The Marriage’ – He has a section specifically for men and it’s extremely helpful. You can find it at: http://www.mendmarriageguide.com
If possible, talk to someone about it. I know it’s a massive cliche, but getting things out in the open can really help.
Has anyones wife stopped having sex with them because of this?
Guys buy some tackle and a fishing rod, maybe stop by a strip club, once in awhile and just be men! We don’t have to let these confused women that are always questioning there own happiness, we know what we want! It’s not men’s fault that these women have no idea what they want! Be men go fishing, there just wo-men don’t let it get to ya
My wife seems to be in the same place in her mind and heart as all these other women and wives! No matter the fact that I carry the guilt and blame that some how it’s my fault, that I can not make her happy! Even though I have always been there for her, and her family! I think this may be a condition of the modern women that the modern man can not do anything with! Maybe marriage of old, is dead and obsolete, and we old fashioned guys need to modernize, and become as self owned as our… Read more »
So what do you do if you corrected all the things that caused her to fall out of love with you and it makes things worse. and she wants nothing to do with you. and tells you to stop trying.
you tell that witch to gtfo of your house and to file a divorce and you soldier the fuck on mate
Wow my wife said same thing to me. I love you but feelings are gone. I am crushed and a mess, with 2 boys under 5. No coincidence that she just got her career back on track and lost weight. I am the next thing to be improved upon. Devastated and don’t know what to do. She wants to separate but I don’t want this. But I am in what feels like an impossible position.
We are all good guys here and that is why we are here. If we were not “good” guys, we’d be the ones in happy with our partner trying to please us, but never quite making our standards. If we were not good guys we would tell them we are not happy and they need to figure it out. If we were not good guys we wouldn’t have a wife that is unhappy because if she was, she wouldn’t be around. We are here because we are the “good guys” and not because we care so much that we are… Read more »
I hope you’re wrong, but deep down I know you are right. I asked my wife of 27 years what did I do wrong and she said “nothing”. I did everything right. Just look up the top 20 things a guy can do to show his wife he loves her and that’s basically what I did our entire marriage out of love…to include being a good father. I’m not bragging, just upset. If I would’ve been a jerk, I probably wouldn’t be in this predicament. I just want to love, and be loved. Apparently that’s just too much to ask… Read more »
I’m right there with you buddy!
Youre very sensitive. Some women dig that.
Seem to think you’re right mike. The I don’t love you anymore started in my last relationship and didn’t change until I got with my current wife. After a year of separation nothing worked as well as an upgrade. Unfortunately 6 years latter, it’s happening again with my current wife and unfortunately for her Mike is %100 right, upgrade.
Good luck with your merry go round updates, man. Obviously it ain’t working in the long term.
Hi guys! Doesnt it seem odd that “15yrs” of marriage is the common denominator here! And would i be right to assume the women mentioned are around 40yrs of age? I have just had the same news! What kick in the privates. I also personally know 5 other couples in this age/time predicament. Like most of you i am an extremely good husband. I work, cook, clean, take the kids places when required, do the washing etc etc and i am as romantic as hell. We as men just have to move on! Stuff them guys. We deserve better. And… Read more »
There are crappy women out there just like there are crappy men. What’s interesting on this forum is how many men are saying they did everything right and they are “nice men” but when you read through the comments it’s obvious many men are not being honest with themselves or others about what really happened in their marriages. Any dude will tell you he did “everything” in his marriage but when you dig deeper there are all kinds of issues or regrets. It’s men’s lack of honesty with themselves and the way they gloss over real issues or ignore them… Read more »
Been with my wife for 15 years two children 5 + 7. We always have little issues since the kids have been born. But it was never anything major till last year around Halloween that’s what she told me that she was not in love with me anymore and to be honest I didn’t take her serious because I was still living there. Now 5 months later she’s asked need to move out that we needed some time apart. This actually came Outta nowhere no fight no nothing. The only thing different is that she had a surgery 6 months… Read more »
Gday Mike.
Im hearing ya. Had the same thing happen 5 days ago. Mate its crap. But you know what plan to do! Find a newer, younger more improved model and trade up.
This only shows your immaturity. I hope you don’t really think this way and that you feeling hurt and have no other way to release your pain. Best of luck to your future. Everyone deserves to be happy, including you.
what is the guy supposed to do? His wife is bored with him and more likely than not has another lover. This is the best way to handle that situation
You really think y’all can find a “newer, younger more improved model and trade up”? Everyone takes their baggage into each new relationship – until they work it out. Serial relationships (and they probably won’t be with your fantasy upgraded “models”) will just leave you feeling weirded out, empty, lonely and frustrated.
When anyone is undergoing some stressful life event it tends to make them also feel even more upset about any existing relationsip issues. I’d say try to understand that, hang in there, and work towards improvements.
Mike, you are feeling confused because she is not giving you the truth of the situation. Her mind is somewhere else, not with you, when it’s supposed to be thinking of you and doing her part to make the relationship work. Good luck!
2 months ago my wife told me that she no longer loved me and was not in love with me. We have been together for 10 years now and married for 3. When I heard this it devastated me as I believed we’d grow old together. I’ve always done everything asked of me, I’ve been kind, caring, loving and most definitely giving to the point I go without most things so she can have everything she needs. 5 months ago we moved to her home town 80 miles from mine so she could be near to her mother. For a… Read more »
Tony I feel your pain. I have no advice as I am going through exactly the same thing myself at the moment. My wife simply turned one day said “I don’t want to be married to you” handed me a list she had made of my ‘failings’ and refused to discuss any of it. She organised new schools for our kids, cancelled our lease and arranged a new home for her in a different part of the country without any reference to me. She just did it and told me to suck it up, I could move and live near… Read more »
Thank you for your message and your support . I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through a similar thing. It pains me that we men have get the proverbial shitty end of the stick when it comes to our children, our homes, our wife’s/partners and our lives. Why is it we loose out??? Do you do as I do which is give, give and give some more? I have been researching narcissistic personality disorder as my wife has many of the traits. I’m not saying your wife has this disorder but it might explain some of her… Read more »
You’re not alone in that this also happened to me a couple of months ago. I was aware my wife of 24 years was distancing herself from me but felt helpless, thinking she just needed space to work, spend time with family and girl-fiends etc. In reality while she told me she still loved me, she wasn’t in love anymore and couldn’t or wouldn’t try to bring it back. If I had a second chance to resurrect our marriage and try to get it back on track I would have done but there was no will on her part to… Read more »
She will regret her decision, the grass is not greener on the other side
I’m going through this now she says she wants to be single.shes 41 and I’m 49 we have been married for 22 years.she says she has felt this way for two years but never told me because she didn’t think I was emotionally strong enough to handle it.i am totally crazy…I don’t know what to do.but she sit around and lives like nothing is even bothering her.
If you notice, many of the guys here are “nice guys” That is. kind, considerate, loving and supportive men. Women apparently don’t like this type of guy. He is boring and predictable. He is not sexy. I would suggest many of you read Womens’ Infidelity by Michelle Langley to fully understand what is going on. This is one of the most important books written about the demise of relationships in the western world but nobody seems to be taking it seriously. My research backed by my personal experiences and the experiences of friends are leading me to the inevitable conclusion… Read more »
You’re not alone Tony, I’m going through the same, and I’m devastated but I’m working really hard on reverting the situation, it takes time, patience and consistency. I’m quite surprised on how many people go through this, maybe every marriage goes through that at some point. Read this article below I hope it helps! I wish you guys the best, be strong, you’re not alone and if you’re here it’s because you’re most likely a good guy and you care.
http://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/7-things-to-do-when-you-say-my-wife-doesnt-love-me
Tony, this does not sound like a healthy, loving relationship. You have tolerated intolerable behaviour for what sounds like years to the point where it has become normal to you. You have not set boundaries for yourself and you are being physically and emotionally abused. This is called codependency. It is unhealthy. You are turning yourself inside out to try and please a person who is clearly a controller. She is being vile to you and you want to stay? This is domestic abuse and you need to get help, for your sake and the sake of your children who… Read more »
My wife said the same thing to me last month. And though I asked, and I tried, she never told me what it was that I could do to rekindle things. She’d given up on the marriage.
Happen to me two weeks ago after 15yrs
I’ve searched on google.com and your story is familiar, trust me. How’d it work out?
I’ve searched on http://www.google.com and your story is familiar, trust me. How’d it work out?
I have a similar experience but unfortunatelty it is my fault. I igmored my wife for 14 years and she tried so hard to make me see the signs and I ignored them. She replied and said she is exhausted and mentally drained. She asked me to spend more time with her and show her I love her. Which I plan to do. She dropped the raising the kids together as a reason she hasnt left. Im so upset and hurt that i dont know if it is worth it. What if I do everything she asks and it in… Read more »
You have a lot of time to make up for C&D. With kids in the picture, I believe it is worth the effort. At worst, you will learn how not to ignore your partner – good practice for the next relationship if this one fails. You can’t predict your partner’s response. Talk with her, set up a plan, carry it out, and see if you get a positive response. Best of luck.
No, never ignore her, pay attention to her, care with her, spend time in her, because im the woman too, and my partner sometimes did this and i felt so bad about that. He is so diferent with the first we met. I could feel the spark of love, but as the times pass by, the spark is just getting lesser and lesser. So if you love her, let her know, and please never ignore someone you love. Thx!! 🙂
If you truly love her then you’d start showing her by actions
It’s passive aggressive B.S. She doesn’t have the guts to say – she is looking, cheating, or fixing to move to her next man. ” I love you, but I am not in Love with you’ – pure crap – it is the ‘let’s be friends’ of the marriage realm. I had this one delivered to me by my Ex. I said nothing – I went hunting, it was not hard to find out who she was ‘loving’ – luckily we were never married, and cutting bait was fast and easy enough. That was 7 years ago. I heard through… Read more »
Wow that’s the bs my wife said and I don’t believe her. I think she has her eyes on someone else. After 15yrs, but I was good to her and her kids. I’m broken inside, but I respect her decision
I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.’
Life is short. Why spend one second more than you have to with someone who is no longer in love with you? I’m not trying to negate the author’s feelings, or those of anyone who has gone through this hellishness. I went through it too. My S.O. dumped me right out of the blue; turns out, he had been unhappy in the relationship for along time and never told me about it. What I wouldn’t give to have that time back–the time he was secretly unhappy–so I could spend it nurturing myself back to health. I would have left him… Read more »
Is it really concievable to think that you will have the same luster with your partner for the duration of the relationship? Do people think to much into “being in love with their partner”… I’m torn myself….I love my partner of 2 1/2 years, is the luster the same? Certainly not. Do we fight, absolutely. But the thought of not being with her is sickening. I feel like the grass isn’t greener on the other side. And i don’t want to be alone again.
Agreed, love is a choice after the hormones run out the first couple years. After 15yrs and after spelling out I love u in chocolates on Valentine’s Day, all of a sudden march 6 she no longer in love. Well why the hell did u do all that for me on Valentine’s Day lol
Your right, I’m a good dude. I know I did right by her in many ways. I deserve better
Well said Lisa. I gotta agree 100%
Just came across this. My SO of 6 years said to me today that she loves me, and cares about me, but is not in love with me and wants to try separating. That she has been flip-flopping on this for some months but has not known how to tell me without hurting me. I don’t know what to do. She said we may be able to work things out, but not to get my hopes up, that its more than likely over. How do I fix this?
BradB is so spot on. Exactly what i’m experiencing now with my wife for 15 years. Been struggling for months now. I’m guessing we both tried almost everything but nothing seems to work. I’m lost too. I know i’m at fault also which led to this separation. The flip-flopping is what really gets me. My sub question would be and i don’t see this being discussed more often – do people really go through a phase? I mean something like midlife crisis? Couples should be aware and prepare for such and handle this situation more appropriately. And for me and… Read more »
You walk and don’t look back
Kick her to the kurb mate! Flick.
To those wondering why this isn’t about the wife doing more, as well? I figure she HAS been pulling her weight, which is why the author never fell out of love.
No one SUDDENLY falls out of love. Love erodes.
And women are encouraged to not nag about needs. When my ex, who was still “in love,” said, “everything’s fine until you wanna talk about your FUCKING FEELINGS,” i knew i was working toward nothing. He was SHOCKED when i “suddenly” left after years of painful distance.
I think you are spot on sweet
All good on paper, all good when one partner wants to make the effort to fo things differently, to adjust, to respond some how to the needs of the other partner. But what if one partner doesn’t see the wrong path we’re on and doesn’t want to do anything? What if when you bring something that is bothering you your partners’ first response is ‘what are you going to do about it?’ What if in the middle of a serious conversation/argument you are told “I have wasted over a decade with you” – then what?
Steve, could you give me an update? My SO said this to me yesterday word for word. I would like to know what had the biggest impact to remind her what she fell in love with. I still do random gifts and notes to try and make her feel special, but there are things that we used to do that we don’t anymore. The challenge is finances but also she had kids from her previous marriage and for me to make time for us and surprise her is nearly impossible. At the start when she had those “in love” feelings… Read more »
This blog is so sad…and yet so instructive. The blogger is a relationship coach who specializes (supposedly) in teaching couples how to have great and vibrant relationships. Meanwhile, he’s been living in a relationship desert, and hasn’t had a clue. His wife has dropped the dreaded “I love you but I’m not in love with you” bomb – ie he’s been friendzoned. Does anybody want to make book on the 5 year outcome here? The odds are not good at all. As several people observed, the blogger is almost certainly in a terrible Catch-22 situation: If he exerts himself to… Read more »
“Most women simply can’t be “in love” with a compliant man.”
Interesting. I always see men saying that. Now tell me: can men be in love with a compliant woman? If yes, why do men actually accept women who are “submissive” somehow and then still try to lie that they see women as their equal and in fact prefer independent, confident women?
Submissive is a better word than compliant. The only love you keep is the love you give away. If “only” one person is giving(ie. Submissive), then it turns into an unrequited love (or one-way love). For the submissive person, they might also feel they are getting taken advantage of. A psychologist once told me, “if people didn’t have control issues, I wouldn’t have a job.” As for the article at hand, on re-kindling… Emotional Trust is the foundation of Romantic Love. You tell your secrets to your best friend. If your partner is judgmental or has a temper, etc… you… Read more »
Maybe they interpret compliance with weakness and submission and they view submission as unmasculine. Some men, not all, still hold the “traditional” view that somehow compliance and submission are a feminine ideal.
No. The way out of this is for the man to go and stay gone. But, as I have found, the only true cure for love is love. Your deep feelings of love for your partner generally only goes away when you find someone else to love. But staying and begging for a man is the worse thing to do. Try to find a new partner as soon as possible. This what I would advise men to do. Women seem to tire of men who are “deeply in love” with them.
Good luck with that. It sounds to me like your wife wants excitement, interest, passion and fun. Which is nice but… That ain’t marriage. At least, not after the first 5 years or so. And since she never before mentioned this idea of “not being IN love with you,” that shows me that her idea of what “in love” might be is skewed. And unattainable in any real, sustainable way. This is cute for 24 hours. Tell us again how it is going in a week, three months, a year. I’d bet my car that she is still holding that… Read more »
I feel the same way as your wife. though my spouse has cheated on me off and on for our whole marriage, about 10 years. I had the same natural responses as anyone would but never actually wanted to leave him for good. finally one day i realized I needed to make a final decision to find a way to deal with it or move on. I chose the first course for various reasons however I still feel a lot of resentment and mistrust which he doesn’t always understand. what can I say to him so he can understand why… Read more »
Isn’t it somewhat contrived to TRY to fall in love with each other again? I mean, I’m sure you can rekindle the spark again…for a while. But the reality is, after 15 years with someone, you generally start to love them like family, not a lover. That’s why she can love you with ALL OF HER HEART (like she would with her child or her parents), but not BE IN LOVE with you. I’m not saying you can’t be IN LOVE with someone after 15 years, but it that happens, I would say it happens naturally rather than being forced.… Read more »
Hi Mensanity. We are into day four of our “sweetness” project and the results, so far, are more positive than I could have imagined. First, it is fun. I like fun. It has lifted my spirits to be in such a playful state on a daily basis even with some other nasty life events (e.g., I slipped and fell on a water covered floor in our apartment building). Second, it has become a stress reducer as I take my mind off work and deliberately focus on my partner. Third, it feels good to watch her response – she smiles, laughs… Read more »