Here’s the way to avoid the nearly inevitable sexless marriage experienced by so many long-term couples and in fact have your sex life get stronger as you get older.
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Guys, I have bad news for you. You know the joke “If you want to have sex, don’t get married!”? Well, it’s largely true. And it gets worse. According to an analysis of U.S. Census data, 36% of women living with a same-sex romantic partner in their 40s had been married to a man at some point; among women in their 50s living with another woman, over 50% had left straight married life behind; this percentage jumps to 75% for those age 60 or older. My take? As women age their needs for intimacy shift so dramatically that some actually switch teams just to find it.
Now the good news is (yes, there is actually good news here) that you and your partner don’t have to suffer this fate. In fact, it is very possible to have your intimate life become better as you mature and grow older together. And the purpose of this post is to share how that can be and to avoid the eventuality of an essentially sexless relationship.
I Can Take it or Leave It
“To be honest, I can take or leave sex, and mostly I’d rather leave it.” That’s a quote from the CBS News Correspondent Lee Woodruff in her Ladies Home Journal article “Let’s Talk About Sex (and Why I’d Rather Just Go to Sleep)”. In a video interview with CBS News chief medical correspondent Dr. Jon LaPook she also shares how her husband of 25 years Bob Woodruff (also a media journalist), like most men, is ready for action nearly all the time. And sometimes she gives in to perform her “wifely duty”. I hope my partner and I never start seeing intimacy as a chore or duty (and yes, men can feel that way too.)
There’s an old expression about couples who get married: The woman hopes her man will change over time and the man hopes his wife never changes and they both end up disappointed. This was certainly the case with my first marriage and based upon conversations I’ve had with others, this is a very common theme.
It’s All in How We Are Wired
The way men and women are in the bedroom is greatly impacted by both biological and cultural “wiring” or imprinting as it were –primarily for procreation purposes. In terms of making babies, our wiring is perfect. However, it seems to me that most of us have evolved beyond the imperative to use sex as an exclusively procreative process to an attempt to connect deeply with another human being. It is the conflict between seeking deep connection and the hard-wired imperative for procreation that causes many of the problems that occur for committed couples, especially as they mature together over time. In my discussions with many couples I’ve made some observations as to why this is.
How Women’s Preferences for Intimacy Changes Over Time
In the early years of a relationship, that most efficient of procreative acts, intercourse, is very exciting and pleasurable to both the man and woman. Most women during their child-bearing years are deeply impacted by the “urge” for traditional coupling (i.e. intercourse) whether or not they want to have children. And in fact, during this phase may actually prefer intercourse over most other forms of physical intimacy. As women mature beyond this period however, their intimate preferences begin to change. Emotional and non-sexual forms of physical intimacy become far more important. Intercourse becomes less attractive to them (or even painful) and many begin to prefer other forms of physical intimacy and often require a much longer time to “warm up” before being ready to climax. The “quickie” appeals less to them. Many at this stage are also at some level concerned that their man will find them less attractive and have fears of being replaced by a “newer model”.
Meanwhile, most men prefer to have the penetrative sex they always enjoyed, no matter how old he and his partner become. And this is where the breakdown starts happening. Women too often are afraid to share with their mate what *really* works and doesn’t work for them out of fear they may hurt their partner’s feelings or he may become so angry he will leave her. So her guy remains absolutely clueless, disappointed and frustrated as to why his Honey just doesn’t seem interested any more (are you listening Bob?)
You can see where this is going; a very sad direction that is taken by too many mature relationships. Once the divide reaches a certain size, both partners are typically unsatisfied with their intimate life. Yet ironically, they both crave deep, abiding intimacy (i.e. connection) more than ever but have no idea how to rekindle it. Here are the likely outcomes in this situation:
- They both just settle because they are comfortable with each other, often leading to a sexless relationship. Effectively going from soul mates to roommates.
- They split. The woman either resigns herself to a single, sexless existence or she is brave enough to risk seeking the quality of intimacy her heart craves either in another man or woman. The man might look for another partner (often younger) with whom he can enjoy sex just like he always did.
The Way Back to the Best Intimacy/Sex Ever
These potential not-so-great outcomes are not fait accompli. It is very possible for long-term couples to have the very best, most exciting and fulfilling physical intimacy of their relationship in their later years together. But it requires a change of behavior and attitudes from both. For this to happen, it is incumbent upon women to authentically and vulnerably communicate with their partner what they really want in terms of intimacy, especially as it changes over time. For men, it is crucial to listen and follow what their mate is telling them. And also to realize that as women age they take much longer to “warm up” to physical intimacy than they use to during the “rip our clothes off” stage of the relationship.
For example, I spend a good hour of our lovemaking warming up my (post-menopausal) partner by first showering with her (scrubbing her whole body down with a luffa –something she absolutely loves) and giving her a head-to-toe deep, non-sexual massage. Once she is warmed up this way and I create of space where both of us can be fully present, she is ready –and boy, is she ready! At this stage of her life she really doesn’t care for pounding intercourse (which is a good thing because I’m fully impotent) and much prefers gentle oral sex (but NOT before the warm up). By my slowing down as a man to match her emotional and sexual needs and response profile and being fully present without goals or agenda as I give to her, she responds by climaxing explosively many times.
This makes me wonder how different things would be for Lee and Bob Woodruff (and countless middle-age couples like them) if they approached their intimate needs in this way. I suspect that she would be reporting on an entirely different experience –excitedly sharing how their current intimate life is far better than it ever was. All because of her willingness to communicate authentically and his willingness to adapt to her changing needs and desires.
We guys have the power to unlock the truly unlimited sexual potential of our women at any age and reap the mind-blowing benefits of that. It just requires that we listen and transform our procreative urge from pounding sex, to incredibly fulfilling emotional and physical intimacy in the manner our partner prefers. And when this happens, “wifely duty” will forever be banished from her vernacular.
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Image: Rod Knox
It seems to be that women just want to use men for security or to have someone to do the chores. Once they’ve got that, they pull the plug on the relationship. As far as I’m aware, the 3 most important things for a man in a relationship are 1. Sexual intimacy 2. Sexual intimacy and 3. Sexual intimacy. Without that, for a man, there is no relationship. I work in Prison and the majority of the ‘lifers’ are crimes of passion. Whilst I don’t condone what they’ve done, I completely understand how it can happen.
If all you care about is your orgasm, your wife WILL lose interest. She doesn’t want to be used. Men who care about their wives’ pleasure have active sex lives.
I don’t know which way to absorb this. On the one hand, too true. Our marriage is approaching or has already reached this phase of waning intimacy. My wife, more than once, has called sex between us her “wifely duty.” Has said it, in fact, in bed while I’m trying to be intimate, as she just lies there completely unresponsive, even looking bored or annoyed. Nothing is more sad to me. Sex, from my perspective, is not just a fundamental expression of the bond between us, but essential for reaffirming and strengthening that bond. But she treats it as if… Read more »
What if she doesnt like sex at all and her whole life was taught that its bad which is engraved in her thinking….. but she does it for ur sake……Even tho pain and burning is what she feels. Even with all the foreplay….
how do u get her to like it and how long does it take not to feel pain or burning? Because if that keeps on going on u wouldnt wanna be intimate with ur partner….
“I spend a good hour of our lovemaking warming up my (post-menopausal) partner by first showering with her (scrubbing her whole body down with a luffa –something she absolutely loves) and giving her a head-to-toe deep, non-sexual massage. ” Your partner has so little regard for your sexual well being she makes you invest over an hour up front every single time before she gives you any sexual attention? “We guys have the power to unlock the truly unlimited sexual potential of our women at any age” Apparently you haven’t unlocked the ’empathy’ potential yet. If your wife can’t even… Read more »
I guess you missed the whole part where he said he was “impotent”. How long a couple wishes to devote to foreplay or even lovemaking, isn’t up for to you to decide or to criticize. A truly loving and devoted individual gets great enjoyment pleasuring their partner, watching the pleasured expressions on their face or in their moans of delight, and for some people, its half or more of the pleasurable experience itself. In this couples case, if her menopausal issues and his impotence turn their foreplay and lovemaking into hours instead, so be it, and more power and pleasure… Read more »
What if the shoe is on the other foot? Sadly, my male partner of 4 years has no real interest in having sex. We’re both 54, I get tired of cajoling, suggesting, wishing, craving. It’s not as if he is unable, he’s just not very sexual due to suffering abuse as a teenager. While I’ve been compassionate, it is very challenging to deal with. I wonder if people are aware of how many lives are ruined by this, as many as 1 in 6 men are sexual violated as children and adolescents.
I think child sexual abuse is one of the worst crimes imaginable. It causes incalculable damage to the victim which often haunts them for the rest of their life. And, it deeply affects many of the people they care about as adults.
My heart goes out to you as there is no easy answer to this.
“We guys have the power to unlock the truly unlimited sexual potential of our women at any age and reap the mind-blowing benefits of that. It just requires that we listen and transform our procreative urge from pounding sex, to incredibly fulfilling emotional and physical intimacy in the manner our partner prefers.”
No, it “just” not requires us guys to trasnform our urges (however you might do that).
It also requires the woman to be in sync with what she actually wants, and be able to communicate in a positive and emotionally fulfilling way.
I think the article did mention that:
“…But it requires a change of behavior and attitudes from both. For this to happen, it is incumbent upon women to authentically and vulnerably communicate with their partner what they really want in terms of intimacy, especially as it changes over time.”
Thanks. But the point still stands. Food for thought: Surveys tell us that the majority of women have not experienced an orgasm before their first sexually intimate experience with another person. Same surveys also tell us that a large number of women rarely if ever experience orgasm within a romantic relationship. Most of all, these statistics make me sad. Sad that so many people miss out on so much enjoyment with sex. But also, it makes me question the intent of so many so called experts. How are we (mostly men) as partners to these women, supposed to find out… Read more »
FlyingKal, I wonder about those surveys and their accuracy. Female masturbation is so taboo (still), that I doubt many women would admit to discovering masturbation and orgasm at young ages. I did by age 10, and you can call me abnormal or an outlier, but I doubt it. Conversely, masturbation is not only accepted but seen almost as a “right of passage” for boys. In some ways, I see this setting the stage for women having perhaps a harder time owning and communicating their true needs. It can be a Catch 22; our culture frames women in the role of… Read more »
In my experience, women who a bit vary on opening to their sexuality is because they dont feel confortable or safe enough to open the pandora box yet. If you make her feel safe and comfortable she will open up. I have never encountered a woman who may be classified as frigid (yes old term I know, but Im using it for commodity) I have met women, however, who didnt believed to have a sexuality. But after a while, when you make her feel sexed and accepted, she opens up. You dont know her history, her experiences, so she has… Read more »
What exactly are the benefits for the men in these circumstances? Not that men shouldn’t care about what their partners want. But where in this article does it speak to men’s needs? Or are you just replacing “wifely duty” with “husbandly duty”?
Great question. For what it is worth the sexual satisfaction and fulfillment I receive by giving to my partner this way has greatly exceeded anything I’ve ever previously received. As a clinically impotent man (due to prostate cancer) it took us four months for me to learn how to climax again (which are much stronger now than when things were “working”). Yet creating a space for my partner to have the sensual and sexual experience she now enjoys gives me far greater pleasure than even the receiving. And fortunately, we have both. Men (and I’m generalizing now) want and need… Read more »
Sounds like a false dichotomy. Though I certainly applaud you for being able to find something that works for you both after what must have been a pretty terrifying diagnosis.
Is it just men that need to “transform” their sexual urges? Where is the call for women to transform their need for security?
“Is it just men that need to “transform” their sexual urges? Where is the call for women to transform their need for security?”
No, both need and usually do. That is all about compromising. And about women transforming their need for security… another article, maybe?
I agree with you that both need to compromise. I don’t know that both usually end up doing so. I thought he was painting an unrealistic picture of male sexuality being either “wham, bam…” or focused entirely on the woman’s pleasure with the man’s being secondary. It sounded to me like a one-sided compromise. Which is not to say that one shouldn’t devote a lot of time and effort to pampering and pleasing a partner and sometimes making an evening all about them. Or to say that I don’t enjoy doing that or derive a lot of pleasure myself from… Read more »
…stimulating the head of a penis and shaft are generally required for climax, no? You can’t just look at it and will it to ejaculate, right? Creating a warm and sensual atmosphere are often requirements for women to climax. We all fake/pretend penetrative sex does the trick. Mostly because we just want it over with (and moaning speeds this process up) and/or because we enjoy pleasing our partners. My husband and I have been married 7 years and he still thinks I passionately enjoy penetrative sex (I don’t; never have, probably never will). I lie through my teeth to reassure… Read more »
So why don’t you try to be honest with the man who loved you enough to marry you? You sound like a typical narcissist to me.
Totally your fault. A man cannot fix nor even address an issue if he doesn’t know there is an issue. Communication is key ladies. Let HIM know, instead of an online forum.