It may be time to get real about what you want from life and what’s been holding you back.
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Men are longing for more—more to life than checking the box of duty, more than merely providing for their family, and more than the daily monotony of their nine-to-five.
I know because I’m one of them.
If that wasn’t enough, a recent conversation at a men’s group confirmed my suspicion. After the leader posed some curious questions, he urged us to discuss them, face to face, with a few other men.
We need men challenging us to become the man we’d always hoped we’d be.
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One question was particularly potent for me: Who in your life pushes you toward becoming the husband, father, businessman, and leader that you’ve always hoped you’d be?
As I glanced around, I could see the looks on the faces beside me which added to the uneasiness that already existed in this smaller group. The big group was safe because we were spectators. We could simply nod, and hide. But now, you could see the body language shift. We began to talk.
“There’s a group of friends from college and we still play in a Fantasy Football league.”
“There are a couple of guys I play golf with.”
As we continued, you could tell that most men had friendships, but those relationships didn’t answer the question. Their relationships weren’t spurring them on; if anything, they were holding them back!
Community exists everywhere, but the type of community that men naturally gravitate toward is not going to take us where we want to go.
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The Man You’d Always Hoped You’d Be
On the surface, the question above is tricky because it requires that we admit a devastating truth: we’re not the man we’d always hoped we’d be.
Maybe you are, and maybe you aren’t. But in most cases, men are too proud to admit that they can’t do this man-thing alone.
Instead of waiting on rock bottom to reach out for help, we need to begin cultivating community now and the question of relationships is not just important—it’s essential. And it applies to our professional lives as well.
Our success, our achievement, our fulfillment in all areas of life are rooted in the reality of healthy relationships.
I can’t think of anything more imperative for our personal and professional growth than investing in a band of brothers who will stand with us in the face of adversity. Who will walk with us through hardships, and encourage us on our journey. We need men pushing us to become the man we’d always hoped we’d be.
But one question remains: How?
Cultivating Healthy Community
Too often, when I hang out with the guys, the conversation feels like I’m back at D.C. Virgo Middle School, and I’m trying to run off a string of the latest “Yo Momma” jokes as a way to fit in.
Gentlemen, we’re not in middle school anymore.
Why do grown men belittle each other as a type of crippled attempt at friendship?
I recall a recent golf outing where one of our foursome hit an incredible approach shot into the green, leaving himself a four-foot putt for birdie. Rather than praise for the shot, we all joked, “You’ll miss the putt.”
Now I’m not suggesting that we should have held hands and sang Kumbaya, but I do think it’s important to recognize this problem.
In time, this type of interaction causes our conversations to become shallow and generic, even abusive. From the golf course to our workplace to our family dynamics to our fantasy football leagues, men have reduced themselves to this form of flattery.
However, I’m learning that this cultural cliche can be cured by taking small doses of humility.
Men, it’s ok to praise someone else when they succeed, it’s healthy to understand that you don’t have it all figured out, it’s beneficial to let someone know when your foundation is crumbling.
And an easy way to begin moving in this direction is to ask questions. Sorry guys, but our female counterparts have us beat in the category. In three minutes in line at the coffee shop, they find out more about each other than you and I would learn in a year. All because they ask questions.
Questions cultivate healthier conversations and those conversations allow us to build true friendships.
The community that emerges from these friendships helps us build an inner confidence. Not a faux confidence that is rooted only in our strength—this is a genuine confidence that has been tested by weaknesses and strengths of many.
Iron Sharpening Iron
The book of Proverbs says that, “Just as iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another.” When we fall into the cultural temptation of pride and isolation, it’s like a dull blade striking against a stone. We make ourselves and those around us weaker with each blow. Instead, we are to sharpen others and be sharpened by them.
So here’s two questions: Am I surrounding myself with men who challenge me to become the man I’ve always hoped I’d become? Am I that man for some other men in my life?
Social pressures will pull us in the opposite direction.
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Brothers, this is the type of sharpening we need if we’re to become the man we’ve always hoped we be.
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Rather than the dull, water-cooler cynicism that pervades millennial manhood, we need to return to the call of integrity and character in each and every aspect of our lives.
It’s a tall order. Social pressures will pull us in the opposite direction. The temptation to give in will be strong, but I hope that men across the country will begin bringing this truth to light by the way they live—in their families and their workplace. Especially in their workplace.
For the few men who have been this example for me, I am grateful. But my gratitude is not enough. It’s time for me to answer the call. Because if what I’m suggesting is true, you depend on it. And I’m depending on you.
Are you with me?
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Photo: Flickr/ @Doug88888
Kat – I’m wishing YOU the best. We need men out there willing to carry the torch for the type of interaction that we all need. Thanks!
I hope this works! I encourage improved communication by men and I do see your point. Women do ask lots of questions. I was just thinking today about men’s communication skills and how they could be improved. I’m wishing you all the best in this endeavor!
The challenge for me is being around men. I work around 100 women all day, come home to the wife and three daughters. I do meet with other church leaders once a week. We lift each other up. It is awesome.
Ha! I think you’re in touch with expressing yourself, brother! Keep on, keeping on!
Great article. This something I’ve been thinking about for some time, particularly as I’ve gotten older. I recall Bruce Springsteen who said (paraphrased) that at age 50, we have to think about becoming the man we’ve always wanted to be. But, it can and should be done at any age. Thanks, Matt. Keep thinking and keep writing and sharing.
Thanks, Jeff. I appreciate you taking the time to share that from The Boss! There’s something to be said for thinking about the ‘deep’ things while we still have time to make adjustments.
Dear Mr. Ham:
I hope succeed in your goal. Too many of men are beaten down and burn out so much, that it seems there is no way to rekindle their emotions. It is like trying to set a tree on fire but you can’t because it is already burn out.
Thanks, G. It’s funny, I wrote about the necessity of forest fires in my book: “Did you know that scientists and experts acknowledge that forest fires are an essential part of a forest ecosystem’s life cycle? It seems ironic, doesn’t it? In fact, some trees have seeds that won’t sprout until their resin is burned. The process of the fire actually brings life. Additionally, the devastating fire removes dead trees, along with living ones, and returns rich nutrients to the soil. Read that again. The fire returns rich nutrients to the soil. Similarly, have you ever come upon a fallen… Read more »
Wisely said. Will check out your website.
If you apply what you have said I think your kids are lucky to have you as a father.
Thanks for the inspiration.
Thanks for reading, JP. I have three sons all under the age of 5. Being their Dad is my greatest challenge and most rewarding privilege. Look forward to connecting.
“Gentlemen, we’re not in middle school anymore.” – Matt, this may be the most important sentence you wrote. If we begin there, we’ll have fewer issues moving forward. Thanks for being bold.
Rick – the conversations have to change. Thanks for carrying the torch.
what a great article, it is incredibly difficult to find men to talk too, real men I mean. I’ve recently completed a workshop that explores this issue and empowers those to challenge the stereotype and it was really eye opening. The whole sense of community and ‘right of passage’ processes into manhood are gone these days and men haven’t adapted unfortunately. Hopefully word spreads and we see a revival of real men, men with integrity and men capable of open emotion.
Thanks, Ben. It is encouraging to know that there are men out there who are passionate about this resurgence of true manhood.
Ben, Congratulations on recognizing your need and your search to address it, starting with that workshop. Check out The Mankind Project, http://www.MKP.org; there is a powerful men’s initiation weekend, called the New Warrior Training Adventure, and it occurs somewhere all over the country — and abroad — almost every weekend. I encourage you to find an open “iGroup,” the men’s circles formed around that organization — info by state on the MKP site — and you will find what you are seeking. The NWTA changed my life. I facilitate a men’s group here in Boulder, CO and it has greatly… Read more »