Get this: We’re not that different.
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By Clay Andrews for YourTango
There’s a lot of advice geared toward women and helping them understand men. A lot of this so called “advice” would have you believe that men are a completely different species that must be studied and analyzed. A common example would be advice about understanding the “secret language of men.”
Men and women are actually the same species. And that means that there are more similarities than differences between us. Sure, there are some different qualities of masculine and feminine energy, but we all have both of those within us, just in different balances.
In order to have better interactions, dates, and relationships with men, what is going to help you connect more is not trying to understand men. It’s trying to understand your partner. How are these two things different? Well, we are all individuals with our own unique goals, dreams, desires, fears, and anxieties.
The more you can see any individual man as a unique human being and become curious about him and his world, the better off you’ll be. The trouble starts when you begin lumping an individual into the category of “all men” (or anything else, really). It’s fundamentally dehumanizing because we forget that he is a human being that we can connect with on a personal level and share deep intimate experiences with. Instead, his identity becomes more about the label of being “a man” and whatever psychological baggage that may mean to you.
So, my advice for you is, if you’d like to have stronger connections and relationships in your life, don’t try to “understand men.” That sort of thinking is dangerous because it only alienates you from them. You start to see them more an alien creature. And you start interacting with them in a way where you’re trying to get something from them. And you start to make broad generalizations about “all men” based on the actions or your experiences with individuals.
Instead, remember, that anyone you meet, date, or have a relationship with who happens to be a man is just an individual above anything else. You have more in common with him than you may have been led to believe. Just like you, he just wants to feel loved. Just like you he wants to find happiness and avoid pain in his life. And just like you, he’s probably a little nervous too (even if he tries to hide it). Remember this is going to help you connect with men a whole lot more than trying to lump them all into one broad category and studying and analyzing them.
After all, isn’t that why you want to have a great relationship with a guy in the first place? Don’t you want to have a human connection with him? Then don’t forget that his is a human, first and foremost.
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I agree with the point that the writer is trying to say, don’t make such an extreme point that men and women are so different where we even see the other as aliens. However, we still have to admit that many men and many women see things differently and their needs are different. For example, a lot of men, they feel loved when they are shown respect (not belittled or nagged at), but for many women, it’s conversation (including reading what is not said) and affection. There are always exceptions of course, but I think this writer left out large… Read more »
This is a topic that really interests me, and I think this article is sound advice for interpersonal understanding between men and women. There is so much made of our differences, that our similarities get lost. What’s worse, traditional society has gone to great lengths to ensure that by the time boys and girls become men and women they are conditioned to distrust one another based on gender alone. Women trivialize and demonize men and male culture, and men reduce women to sexual conquests for self esteem. Both sides are completely understandable, but self-propagating and frustrating. Reading the responses from… Read more »
Excellent point. Stereotypes are a mental shortcut, but are not necessarily accurate. Every person, male or female, deserves to be known for who they really are. Thanks for the reminder.
He has been going on and on about looking at individuals and not generalising..but here you are going like ”why is everything about sex with men?” If i have an encounter with a physically desirable woman,it means i approve of her looks don’t be vexed about it..in your case i will wink at your 3Ds en the next step is sizing up your brains(initiating a friendly conversation to gather info), then i’ll analyze your effect on people(the human in you), the rest should be downstream if we become verbally compatible. But you came here to gloat about your degree and… Read more »
Here’s a newsflash: we don’t like you commenting on our boobs before you even learn our name. You are lucky to have another conversation with any woman you try this approach on, don’t you dare try justify it. Better yet, stop trolling. You are the “all men” women become trapped into thinking are the standard.
Because we live in and suffer a sexual desert.
It’s like women hoarding all the water, and saying, “but really, water is so passé.”
Supply water, and there will be time to talk about anything and everything.
But first– we are dying here and we feel terribly sad and angry about it. Spare some water? You say you like it too.
Haha great reply.
Hey. I have no problem admitting it. There is one big thing about men that I don’t understand and it’s something that bugs me so much, it’s why I don’t date much. Why does everything have to be about sex? Every. Fucking Thing. Is always about sex. I won’t lie, I wear a DDD cup and that is all men ever see when they look at me. Well, guess what? I also have a degree and work at a Master’s and Doctoral level program at a University. There is actually a lot more to me than just that one thing.… Read more »
I would say, that, yes, we like sex a lot. But it probably wouldn’t be such an all-consuming thing if it weren’t for a culture that both promotes sex as our primary source of self-esteem while it discourages us from most other physical interaction. Sex becomes a a little like Lion Kimbro describes it (see below), especially for young men. I think if you have some patience for the “OMG, triple Ds!” knee jerk reaction, use it: mesmerize them, then ask them some deep questions, see if they can keep up with some deep answers, see if they’re worth your… Read more »
I think you insult women here.
I think he speaks the truth. I don’t understand how you think he insults women?
Treat men and women the same and don’t make assumptions. I teach my son and daughter to be like this too.
jp
what I mean is that most of us grow up with a father , Many of us have brothers ,uncles, grand dads.,,,,and so on,
But the author here say women do not see men as human beings.,
I wouldn’t take it that way. I think a lot of women do lose sight of men as human beings, and it’s the same for men with women. It’s not so much an insult, as we are all failing to some extent. I think traditional culture makes it difficult for us to relate to each other as humans first and foremost.
It would be both fascinating and freeing, I think, for all of us to discover and share our naturally-created selves, unskewed by all artificial conditioning. I can’t picture anything but a beautiful world emerging from that Eden-like essence. But then, I tend to trust the inborn wisdom of our most innate, unfabricated selves.