If you have friends who disrespect women in front of you, are you are condoning their behavior by not stepping forward?
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Scenario #1: Cultivating a safe environment.
Let’s operate under the theory that there are more good people than bad people, probably by a large margin. And if that is true, then let’s further assume that there are many more good men than bad. What responsibility does a good man have in being an ally to women? Is there a way we can turn the saying “it takes one bad apple…” into it takes “one good man…?”
Recently, a woman on Facebook posted a rant about being publicly groped. Boarding the subway, in a city she had just relocated to, she was walking on the platform, and a random man startled her by blatantly grabbing her ass.
One friend offered his two cents amongst her empathizers, and it is his response that disturbed me the most.
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Not taking kindly to being assaulted, she freaked out and screamed at him as she went the other direction. His response was to start laughing. Shaken, she looked around the crowded subway, looking for an ally. “Does anyone have my back?” she wondered. Nobody seemed to notice or care enough to want to be involved. Her predator then circled back, snuck up behind and grabbed her again then ran away like it was all a big joke.
When she posted the story on her Facebook page, she was met with heartfelt support… mostly. One friend offered his two cents amongst her empathizers, and it is his response that disturbed me the most. I am paraphrasing, but it went something like:
“The next time that happens, let me know, and I will take care of the guy. Anyway, you should just relax. You’re a beautiful girl, you’re in a great new city, and you have an amazing ass.”
While his intentions were to be supportive, he missed an incredible opportunity.
- Women need allies.
- Women need respect.
- Women need empathy.
Women don’t need men to protect them, and they certainly don’t need to be blamed or told they are overreacting when a predator elects to violate and assault them, no matter how innocuous he deems an incident.
This is not an unusual experience for me and for the women in my tribe. Women I know have similar stories, and not just one but many. Men don’t understand this common experience and how it puts women in the position of being guarded and defensive whenever men are nearby.
The great gift men can offer women is being allies by cultivating the type of environment–at work, home and in society–where respect and equality are the default rather than something that has to be fought for and won.
These are the types of scenarios where men can best help women by communicating with their other men. The action can be subtle, but highly effective in making a difference in the world of gender equality. If you have friends who catcall or grab or disrespect women in front of you, you are condoning their behavior by not stepping forward. In most instances, you will not be able to change the evil predators of the world, but do you want to create a society where these seemingly small assaults are being dismissed and seen as acceptable? In what scenario is it ever acceptable to violate a person by touching them without their permission?
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Scenario #2 Diminishing the violation.
In other versions of this story, I have heard men respond with “Relax, take it as a compliment. It’s not like he was trying to rape you.” This is also very disturbing to me because they are saying that the scenario has to be escalated to rape for it to count as a violation. Yes, I know that there are far worse things that can happen to women, but that does not diminish the fact that you should never touch anyone without their permission. Period.
Denying a woman’s reality by trying to convince her that she is overreacting is damaging. The cumulative effect is a society of insecure women afraid to identify their abusers to avoid being labeled overly sensitive. I think because men are not subjected to being touched in an unwelcome way by strangers capable of physically and sexually overpowering them, there is sometimes a lack of empathy to understanding the extent of violation in this scenario.
Scenario #3 Well what about men, we get abused, too!
Men, I understand you have issues unique to your being male, not the least of which is society dumping a whole lot of blame on you (or that is what some men might think people are saying). But I assure you they aren’t. Bringing up your issues in the face of charges of the uneven distribution of opportunity for all is counterproductive. I’ve personally been on the receiving end of this response far too many times.
Men experience gender inequality all the time. It’s a problem in many industries. I’m all for discussing men’s challenges to inequality. However, arguing about men’s rights in response to a discussion about women is not the appropriate time. Bringing men’s issues to a discussion about women derails the original discussion and redirects the conversation into something about men.
Many men take the generalized, inarguable truth of their privilege as a personal attack. Enough. Stop! It isn’t about you. It’s about us, all of us. We are in this together.
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To Summarize…
I love men. Truly, I do. Some of my greatest mentors, colleagues, and trusted friends happen to be men.
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Let me break it down in the simplest way I can; everyone needs allies. People like to feel cared for, supported, respected, and appreciated. Women need this from men, as much as they need it from other women. What women don’t need is for men to assume we are all damsels in distress requiring protection.
We don’t even need men to understand the specifics of the challenges our woman-ness affords us. Men could instead accept that there is a disparity of opportunity between us. Facts don’t lie. Women make less money than men in the same positions. That is not opinion or anecdotal. It is factual. Even if the pay gap is closing, it has not closed. So, let’s not pretend things are better because they are “less worse.”
In the age of social media and the internet, where information and experiences are easily shared and able to reach large audiences, it is difficult to hide the truth. That’s why you see so much conversation surrounding equality these days. Everyone has a voice now, and those who have something to say are speaking up.
I love men. Truly, I do. The one thing these men have in common is their ability to understand that what I bring to the table has been earned through experience, education, and hard work. I’ve got their respect. My greatest allies are not the ones who get out of my way, but those who will tell me when I am full of “it” just as much as they’ll congratulate me for a job well done. These are the men who don’t consider my being female so much as they consider my abilities.
We are in this together, all of us. Work hard, get educated, take the hits, keep playing ball… and in the end, it will all work out for us – that’s the Dream, right? Imagine if you played for a team who couldn’t win by merely scoring more points but had to score twice as many as their opponent for the win to count. Would that seem fair?
Good men are in abundance. We are surrounded by them, and it is my hope that good intentions result in good actions, the kind of actions that infect our culture with positivity and support for those who might just need a hand to steady them as they reach for the sky.
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Photo: Flickr/ LoKan Sardari
@ Erin Yet, men have always been women’s allies even when women have been at fault even when women have been the aggressors even when women have been the “bad guys”. http://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/crime/cleared-after-stabbing-ex-uw-student-wants-his-life-back/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=article_title_1.1 If you only want articles where people agree with the topic, don’t pick articles with comment sections. Demand GMP close the comments which has been a growing trend among “progressive” sites. It doesn’t make for a community though and doesn’t foster understanding. Isn’t that supposed to be the end goal? I think the dissenting responses where mostly on the moderate side at least from the long time commenters.… Read more »
Well, I thought the article was diplomatic. I initially felt inspired that maybe we could talk about men being women’s allies. It’s nice when men consider you worthy enough to listen to, when men want to be there for you. And I know that the same applies vice versa. We all want to be heard right? But it was clear from the title of this article, what this article was going to be about on a fundamental level, “Women need allies….” This time around, the conversation was specific to men being womens’ allies. That doesn’t mean that women being mens’… Read more »
@ Erin There are two dynamics at play here which need to be addressed before “non white knight” men will become allies for women in significant numbers in these circumstances. First, men are familiar with the costs of violence. People confuse male aggression with violence. Men may posture, but have no intention of being violent. How does that translate to this instance? Well men will judge the seriousness of the threat and weight it against the potential consequences of action. Men will let a lot of things go that they don’t deem serious. The second dynamic is that men are… Read more »
John, I’m just trying to figure out why you addressed these comments personally to me, in response to my own comments above. There is nothing in your response that actually addresses or even acknowledges anything of what I said. It seems that this response has nothing to do with me and thus, it appears you’re simply pursuing your own agenda and using my comment above as a launching pad for that.
@ Erin
“I initially felt inspired that maybe we could talk about men being women’s allies.”
My point is you can’t go from point A to point C without going through point B. At what point do you think we should address point B, the reasons why men may not be the kind of allies that women want them to be?
John – You’re actively avoiding talking about anything I brought up. Why respond to me at all if that’s the case? You’re simply talking *at” me and demanding I following the conversation *you* want to have. But guess what? I don’t want to have the same conversation as you. I want to talk about the topic of *this* article. Not the topic of what *you* think this article should be about. (We know, it should always be about women learning about men and men never learning about women. We get it. Men are awesome with nothing to learn and women… Read more »
Why should I stand up for females when they won’t stand up for me? You assume that men aren’t supportive of females and all are rapey. I support and protect my mother because she supported and protected me. Other women don’t matter to me. I have been screeched at for the last 20 years, don’t rape etc. While more than 99.9 of men have never raped and never will (unless you believe the females that say “ALL heterosexual sex is rape”). If you want good men, show me a good woman. Females today are not worthy of a good man.… Read more »
I wish you were a Muslim and I would have married you. I agree 96% with you women do not have shame and they have taken wrong path but expect sympathies. But again not all women are same, there are some like you and me. I pray you don’t go on the wrong road of activities just because you think you don’t get a good woman. I am married now and stuck with a disloyal, cheater and selfish husband who thinks I am a shit for him and being a decent woman he thinks I am nothing but only naive… Read more »
” I think because men are not subjected to being touched in an unwelcome way by strangers capable of physically and sexually overpowering them, there is sometimes a lack of empathy to understanding the extent of violation in this scenario.” This is not a smart thing to say. Please change it. How on Earth would you think men are not subjected to being groped by strangers? Men vary in size and strength, even large men are easily overpowered by people with better training. 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before 18, and at least 1 in 21 men in… Read more »
Those last two paragraphs? Absolutely agree, John.
Wife has seen it, and she’ll reply to my protest by saying, “I’d rather not let scary man out of his cage in the middle of a shopping mall.”
Easy to defuse or correct when it is a random woman, but when it’s one’s own wife? When an individual laughs in one’s face? Much more difficult.
Rather we work to discourage, defuse, correct such behaviors on a societal level so that we men, the women, are never put in that situation. Perhaps a pipe dream, but, well, there it is.
I do need to take issue with one t. “because men are not subjected to being touched in an unwelcome way by strangers capable of physically and sexually overpowering them, there is sometimes a lack of empathy” There’s a fundamental misunderstanding of men’s experiences and the nature of power. Among the men I know there is no one who can’t tell you of a time that he was non-consensually groped by a woman and many of these times in a much more intimate manner than was described in the article. Where the stories differ is that none of them could… Read more »
You may ask why then do men not fear women to the same degree? Men are also 80% of homicide victims, but it doesn’t stop them from moving through public space. Men are just as afraid to die or be hurt or feel as violated as women. It’s because men don’t worry about it until it happens. It’s because men aren’t supposed to worry about it. Yes I think a lot of nuance is lost when talking about this one. Its often just presented as “the male privilege of being able to move around freely” which I think goes against… Read more »
Very good, does this mean that I can except women to keep their legs closed towards the men who make my life a living hell, with physical violence and verbal abuse or did this call for allies only apply to men who should support men?
If you don’t want to support women and be their allies, don’t. But don’t act like the reason you can’t be women’s allies is women’s fault. That’s your choice.
She’s not speaking to the choir because she’s not just asking men not to catcall. She’s asking men to be allies within their own social circles. The problem is that I have a no a**hole policy when it comes to friends. That’s not to say that my friends are perfect. I just don’t see the need to correct behavior that’s a one off. Sometimes when I read articles like this that’s what it feels the women are asking. Police and jump on every perceived transgression no matter how minor or rare. Christina, you mentioned many reasons why women don’t tell… Read more »
I often quip that I have spent the last 25 years trying to wake men up, and may have to spend the next 25 calming them down. Been there done that. No matter the complaint, the feeling of abandonment, the constant chatter about women and dismissal of men, I’ve been there, and agree with every last complaint about such that men have. Where I part ways is that women are not our allies, or that we have no imperative to support them.. Just as the myth of “a culture of violence against women” had to be debunked, so too does… Read more »
The reason you hear men bring up male issues at times like this is because we are constantly told that they *kinda* matter, and we will get around to them at some vague point in the future. This comes at a stark contrast to the way in which women’s issues are addressed and worked on. Namely, with compassion and seriousness as opposed to a hand wave and possible mockery and attacks. The reason I bring this up is because it (also) directly affects your end goal of gaining allies for women. Many people, such as myself, see no compelling reason… Read more »
“The reason you hear men bring up male issues at times like this is because we are constantly told that they *kinda* matter, and we will get around to them at some vague point in the future.” Reminds me of parents who tells their children, “we will talk about this later” which means the parents have no intention of talking to their kids. Or it is like people particularly your bosses telling you “this is not the time or the place” which is a code message meaning they do not want to have a talk with you about your issues… Read more »
Nope, you won’t get contempt, mockery and attacks from me, so please do not generalize. I don’t generalize that this is an issue with all men, but I recognize there are a few bad eggs out there who haven’t learned the skills to treat women with respect. My goal is to engage in conversation and reach across the table to communicate and discuss these specific examples of incidents that occurred and how incidents like these can be dissolved. Ignoring the issues do not make them disappear. If that isn’t a compelling enough reason for you, then that’s okay, too (but… Read more »
I am in Ukraine, it is not Europe, dispite what any blathering media / political talking head may say; I am in the middle of its own refugee crisis that is driven by incoming shelling from Kiev that the U.S. has paid for.
Christina
“Women don’t need men to protect them”.
I disagree.
On the other hand I undestand it is not much one singleman can do in situations like those we had several places in Europe on newyear eve when even the police seems unable to stop the rapes.
Yes I call it rape when somebody pushes finger and hands into your body openings….
Thanks for your comments.. To clarify: What I’d hoped to illustrate is that there is a difference between: 1) someone who speaks down to a woman with a condescending “Don’t-worry-your-pretty-little-head-I-will-handle-this-because-you-are-only-a-girl” approach and 2) someone who is standing together in solidarity as an equal in a respectful “Let’s-handle-this-problem-together-you-are-not-alone-manner” with a woman… or with ANYONE, really, regardless of age or gender or ethnicity or socio-economic status. We have a duty to protect each other, but not in a condescending manner, or as Archy called it, playing “White Knight.”
Yes Christina,we can agree on that. We have a duty to protect each other.
I think the word “White Knight’ was created to shame men who infact wanted to help women, not men who wanted to condescend to women. It’s probably best to stay away from that term all together. I’ve seen men argue against other men in rational ways only to get attacked and called the ‘white knight’ because he dared speak up on an issue that concerned women.
White knight usually means both a patronizing manner in which a man feels he must protect a woman regardless of her desire, but also when he does so without offering the same protection to men. It’s also used when it’s about protecting a woman, or women, at the expense of men which is where you get a lot of the online fighting over it. Eg, a man who puts down men and mankind whilst trying to protect women. There’s also some males who try to stand up for women simply to get her attention online and try woo her.
Nah. I’m right here. The term ‘white knight’ was created to shame other men who were vocal and sincere about their support of women. It’s an affective internet shaming tool. Anyway, you’re not saying anything positive about men by suggesting that the only reason men speak out in defense of women, (which is no different then speaking out in defense of black people or jewish people or whoever), is because; He feels like he ‘must’ do it. He wants to patronize women. He wants to make himself look good over other men. He wants to get a woman’s attention. It… Read more »
Good men in abundance? I will believe it that when society gets off its rear end and start cultivating good men and back them up throughout their lives. I will also believe it when I see men in high-ranking management private and public positions and in certain occupations like police officers treat the rest of the population as equal political, social, and economic partners in society. I will also believe it when women become allies and support good men because frankly, I have seen too many women treat good men as vermin, do not offer support or become allies for… Read more »
P.s. women stay in an abusive relationship because the want to, because they love the bad boy, believe that she alone can change him, and she ‘knows’ he cares because he beats the shit out of her instead of ignoring her. And before you write I don’t know what I am talking about, You Should know I grew up in an abusive house, with a mother that had 3 children from 3 DIFFERENT abusive men, the last one murdered her, when she confessed that she was in love with a convict that she had been penpals with, that they were… Read more »
Boris
Do you live in Europe?
Maybe I over generalised the entire continent of Europe, stay out of Cologne Germany, a butt grab is the least of your worries, and the FEMALE Mayer sides with the Refugees In the matter and that it was women’s responsibility to stay out of arms length of the northern African / Muslim “assaliants” – the quotes are there because she says that they cannot be held guilty or blamed as a group. Maybe before you come brandishing and shaming men to be an ally and white knight, you should build a consensus among women first, as it sounds like She… Read more »
Boris
Forget the Mayer in Cologne!
And never think or tell us that women disagree about rape and sexual assualt like those we saw in Europe new years eve.
http://snaphanen.dk/2016/01/11/darfor-vaagade-ingen-tala-oppet-om-flyktingkrisen/
“My greatest allies are not the ones who get out of my way, but those who will tell me when I am full of “it” just as much as they’ll congratulate me for a job well done. ” Some good points in the article but let me be an Ally 😉 “Women don’t need men to protect them, and they certainly don’t need to be blamed or told they are overreacting when a predator elects to violate and assault them, no matter how innocuous he deems an incident.” conflicts with “Shaken, she looked around the crowded subway, looking for an… Read more »
Thanks for your comments. I dream of a world where we all support each other regardless of ethicity, socio-economic status, geographic location, religious beliefs, skin color, etc. etc. I think conversation and communication helps move us forward towards that goal. When we better understand the other person, we will be apt to connect with compassion, empathy and respect.
Agreed!
‘Criticize, but never generalize.’
Thank you.
It seems there is a feeling that by addressing one side of this issue is an attempt to dismiss or belittle the other side…which it is not. Separate issues, as is this. This is not guys cat calling, or some girls “whooping” at an enticing man. She was “groped”. this isn’t guys correcting guys boorish behavior or women correcting the same for girls. It is sexual battery., and I’ll bet a paycheck it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last (or worst). I’m thinking that he didn’t wake up this morning and decide he wanted to experience… Read more »
Yes, a report was filed.
It’s strange to me that some men respond to the stories women share (regarding some men’s behavior) with such defensiveness. In the age of social media, those men who represent the worst of us, are often emboldened to say awful things behind the mask of their keyboard and avatar. I think Angelguy is on point with this “It is nice to be supportive of Women, but until we get to the heart of the matter, incidents like this one will keep occurring. It is easy just to blame Men, much harder to make the change and do something about it.”… Read more »
It sorta makes me wonder, if you have friends who actively disparage women, which is something you find highly objectionable… why are they still your friends? I can honestly say that at 29, I don’t have any sexist friends left. I certainly used to, and I still have some pretty “shallow” ones, but over the years those bonds faded as I made new connections with others who share more similar views about the type of society they want to live in. Appeals like this sometimes feel like preaching to the choir to me; what would happen if you called for… Read more »
Hi D, these examples are not mine. They are of women I know. As I mentioned in the article, the men in my life are supportive and respectful. In fact, I am not friends with women who are sexist, either. While I host lots of events for women, I do not exclude men and often have male attendees and volunteers at my events. Yes, I realize that I may be preaching to the choir, and at the same time it is important to be aware that just because it doesn’t occur in my life or in your life, that doesn’t… Read more »
…and yes, to keep the record straight, I have a few issues with some some points such as the pay-gap and “male privilege”, but they were not integral to the point. We hold the Nit-picky things right now as its their turn speak, our turn to listen, and those are discussions for another day.
How good communication works. No?
Yes! Everything that DJ said! You get it. Thank you.
Ok. Here we go. Fist, I think I love you! I’m kidding of course, but is it not funny how many egg-shells you had to walk across to get that essay off. How long did that take! I feel ya, and I’m going to blather on a bit here because this is really the first time that I’ve read an article of this nature and ended up feeling empowered rather then put upon, because you are talking to me, not blaming or talking at me …and I appreciate that. I’ve been there. I’ve taken men to task, hard, but in… Read more »
Thank you -DJ-
Do not say “sorry for the long wind…”
You are amazing .
You might want to look into IMPACT in your area. Being a former kick boxer I was considering volunteering at one time, but then I heard that sometimes the women would break down during the scenarios. I was pretty sure I could take the pounding. It was the tears I couldn’t deal with. There are different ways to be an ally and you have skills.
http://www.impactselfdefense.org/
Spot on!! Thanks DJ!!!
I really think you need to revisit ‘your’ definition of ‘Ally’ and how the rest of the world views that word. Allies protect each other in the event of attack, they actively work against aggression with coordinated measures of force, sanctions and covert actions. If you carve out the protection mode, and especially in this instance, then you do not have an alliance. Maybe before you go on a 1000 word rant of Mansplaining how we ‘ought’ to behave, you should properly define basic terms. And just to be clear, the Mayer of Cologne has said the the New Years… Read more »
Boris, we are in agreement. Protection is imperative. I am lucky enough to have men in my life who are supportive and respectful, as they are protective. However, in this very specific isolated instance, the man who commented on her facebook page was condescending and suggested that she should take the violation as a compliment. That was not him being a respectful ally who had her best interests in mind. That was him inserting his ego into the conversation with HIS best interests in mind. There is a difference. I would never even begin to try to speak for an… Read more »
Boris if you read newpapers in Europe now, and also the alternative news then you should now that that not all women agree with the Mayer of Cologne. In my country we now have a heated debate about men,sexulity, Islam Muslims Arabs North African men and their culture . The earlier taboo about talking about sex as also part of a persons CULTURE is finally over after what happend in Europe. What those men never understood is that they crossed a an emotional border. Most Europeans do not respect the Prophet the way Muslims do, but we have values about… Read more »
Good article. The most prevalent thing that needs to be done to combat the problem, is to teach boys how to relate to women at an early age. Men don’t know how to relate to Women. With the increase in smartphones and digital social media, it is getting worse and worse, because people don’t communicate well anymore. It is nice to be supportive of Women, but until we get to the heart of the matter, incidents like this one will keep occurring. It is easy just to blame Men, much harder to make the change and do something about it.… Read more »