Want to know what women REALLY think about single men over 40?
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I recently polled a group of single women over 40 about what they really think about single men. I figured the majority of the comments would be negative; bitter, and hopeless.
But there were also lovely comments about single men, and that made me happy and hopeful for the future of midlife relationships.
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First, the not-so-nice comments
Single men are __________________.
- Not all there!
- Not available.
- Sometimes clueless.
- Definitely clueless.
- Completely clueless to a woman’s needs. Again, there is a reason why they are single.
- Men who are single over 40 are completely clueless. The women want relationships and the guys are beyond clueless.
- They need babysitting.
- A puzzle.
- Frightening to know that at this age, men continue to play games with women who were very clear as to what their goals in a relationship are.
Frightening to be lied to, manipulated and disrespected under the guise of a false persona.
Frightening to be lied to, manipulated and disrespected under the guise of a false persona. I keep hope alive in believing these types are less than the good, respectful, caring men I believe to be out there.
- Usually single for a reason.
- A little selfish at times.
- Too quick to judge. If they don’t feel fireworks with you in the first 5 minutes of meeting you, they write you off.
- I’m a fairly positive girl. Dating is frustrating (I’ve been at it for 7 years), but I’ve met a bunch of lovely men. They seem to not know exactly what they want. Typically say one thing but do another.
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And now for the more positive comments
Single men are ________________.
- I have a terrific friend in his 40’s who is single. There are some great guys out there!
- Delicious! Trying to be uplifting, lol.
- Want to be loved too.
- I also want to say that there are good men out there. They are just very different from us, which makes it very frustrating.
- The only type of men I’m interested in.
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Notice that there are way more negative comments. Surprised? I wasn’t. I believe the negative comments are based on women’s past experiences with men who were unkind, selfish, insensitive, and immature, and apparently clueless (the number one complaint).
Sure, there are unkind people out there, but that doesn’t mean the next person you date will be just like your ex.
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Sure, there are unkind people out there, but that doesn’t mean the next person you date will be just like your ex. That’s a limiting belief, and it leads to painting an entire gender with a broad brush.
All men are not selfish. All men are not immature or clueless. All men are not cheaters, liars, or womanizers.
For all the women who have dated guys who fit the above descriptions, don’t hate on all men. Learn to improve your picker and choose a better partner. Take responsibility for what you can do to attract a great guy into your life.
And you can learn to communicate your feelings and needs, because all those so-called clueless men might have been clueless due to your ineffective communication skills.
I was thrilled to see the positive comments about men, because there are definitely kind, warm, responsible, communicative single men over 40. Many of them are readers of the Good Men Project!
I once had a client who had been cheated on by her last boyfriend, and she had trust issues. Her current boyfriend was constantly being questioned and mistrusted. Finally, when he couldn’t take it anymore, he said, “I’m not the guy who hurt you! You can trust me.”
We attract what we believe. In other words, you believe everyone cheats? You’ll attract someone who does. You believe all men are immature? You’ll attract immature men.
Your dating mindset matters more than anything. This applies to men and women. So, if you’re single and you want to find lasting love, adapt a more positive mindset. Look for three good things in every online dating profile and on every date. C’mon, you can find three good things! You’ll soon see that every person you date is not a clone of your ex who hurt you. You’ll be able to restore hope and the confidence to fall in love again.
There are wonderful single men and women out there. Now go out and find them so you can go on your last first date!
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Men, what do you really think about single women? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
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Photo: Flickr/Jonathan Mueller
All the bad things being said about single men over 40 can be flipped around and said about single women over 40. Maybe women have worse attitudes, more often looking at the glass 7/8ths empty. I’ve been single for 9 years, dated in long-term and short-term relationships. Every date is an adventure. Granted, we don’t click with everyone, just as we don’t click with every potential female friend we meet. But each date is a wonderful, new opportunity to let ourselves shine. I love me, love being single and even if I don’t care for a man on the first… Read more »
That was my first thought too. Exactly what was the sample size? My guess is 18 because there are 18 responses and some of them are the same, so maybe the author put down every single person’s response as a bullet. “Usually single for a reason” cuts both ways, it’s suspicious that the “single women over 40” who allegedly responded did not think that it’s true for them just as well. The main thing though, that women seem unaware of in general, is that more and more men are single simply because they have opted out altogether. Women unfortunately don’t… Read more »
Ok, I’ve never needed a babysitter, Always managed to take good care of myself.
But as a mid-40’s man who has always been disregarded by women, and by now hasn’t had a date in 10+ years, I guess this verdict mean that I’m officially off the market and permanently put in the freezer…
Flyingkal we are not pieces of meat on a market or objects for sale looking for the best buyer.
Try not to think about yourself that way.
I do not understand why this happened to you again and again, but please do not withdraw emotionally from others.
More people than you can imagine struggle with issues. You just can not see it .
Oh, I see it clearly all around me, all the time.
I’m just not man enough to do anything about it.
I don’t need to withdraw emotionally, because there are no emotions to withdraw from.
I am a compassionate, caring and kind man, but most of the time it’s like I don’t even exist.
I worked with a woman in a project for 2 months, and now a couple of months later she stopped saying Hi to me at the office. it’s like she doesn’t even recognize me any more.
I am the epitome of “Cluelessness”, as Jules brought up.
I’m sorry to hear it, and I can totally relate. Let me guess, you said or did something, whether intentional, true, or not, that could have been interpreted by her as indicating that you found her attractive in any way. I’ve written much in here about the consequences of any time that ever, in my life, happened to me. I wish I knew what to tell you. For me, I consider myself lucky that I’m in a relationship at all. That’s why I will never give up on it. Not because I’m inspired, it brings me joy, it makes me… Read more »
Hi Anthony, and thanks for your answer. Nah, I really don’t Think I did anything to “scare” her. I’ve seen this plenty before, and I think it’s more a case of… I’m not interesting or “high-status” enough that any kind of social interaction, not even a simple Hello, is worth the expending the effort or energy from her side. Otherwise, I know what you are talking about. I have been in relationships too, although they were brief. I know what it’s like working your hardest to fulfill the needs and desires of your partner, only to have your own needs… Read more »
Ok, I misunderstood a bit then. My problem wasn’t, and hasn’t ever been with women not finding me interesting. I’ve even been in situations where multiple women have competed for my attention (at dinner parties, and things like that). But it’s always been a matter of strict boundaries. Just out of arms-reach. No flirting, and complete shut-down of everything if I try to flirt (even if it’s original, subtle, brilliant, funny, and respectful)…never mind what happens if I say anything to indicate that I think she’s physically attractive. Any of those things become their instant cue to suddenly need to… Read more »
Same, same but different.
The women I’ve tried to approach, would usually just give me a stern look and then turn away without even saying a word.
I’ve also had periods in life where this scenario became the butt end of several jokes.
Overall a little bit more lonely than what you describe, but yes the end result is pretty much the same.
I feel for you too. Hang in there.
Best regards /K
Further to “what the hell happened there?” The rest of the conversation with those casual acquaintance guys, after that question, usually went something like:
Guy: But you were amazing back there! That was brilliant! Do you mind if I use that? Why the hell are you single anyway?
Me: Do you have to ask? Just look at me!
Guy: Yeah, ok. Have you considered going to the gym?
Me: Oh man, you have no idea what I’ve been through with that.
etc.
Comment box somehow stripped out part of this. I’ll try again:
Guy: (looks way down at me, looks me over, and sighs) Yeah, ok. Have you considered going to the gym?
Dammit, it also lost this:
Guy: But you were amazing back there! That (attempt at flirting/compliment/whatever) was brilliant!
Of course, then there’s always the guys who asked me for advice about how I just kept doing it, with apparent confidence, despite getting so consistently shot down. Basically, my take has always been that I just can’t help it. I enjoy talking to people, and I’ll talk to anyone, anywhere, any time. If it happens that the person I’m talking to is an attractive woman, and it’s turning out to be a particularly good conversation, then what the hell. After a few thousand times, I just expect the rejection, so it doesn’t surprise me, or particularly hurt me any… Read more »
Flyingkal
I also have the impression that you a kind man.
Have you asked yourself if you might be on The Spectrum?
KIM,
Yes, most people who know me would probably rank “kind” as one of my most prominent features.
That, along with “unattractive”, since revealing that I am single is enough to scare away any woman…
KIM,
(I wrote an answer yesterday that obviously hasn’t made it yet, so I’ll try another one.)
Yes, I think most people who know me would agree that I am kind, caring, self-reliant, active, curious, and competent/knowledgeable on a vast array of subjects as diverse as cooking, forestry, geography, aircraft engineering, and much more.
Yet my most prominent feature seems to be that I am unattractive.
Well, this was depressing. Both the original thoughts from women and some of the comments. I’ll be 41 in two months. I’ve been divorced for 13 years and pseudo-divorced for three (I was in a five year relationship that ended one day when I came home and she’d moved out while I was at work) That started some serious introspection. The big thought? Hate to borrow from Beyonce, but I should have put a ring on her finger. I never did, because I let fear rule, the fear of a second failed marriage was paralyzing. But when I look at… Read more »
@John Gottman Stephens, Yes, we do make choices about leaving relationships in exchange for something else. And in your last relationship, I am not sure that putting a ring on it would have made a difference. Going to therapy and realizing the importance of prioritizing your relationship over the other things in your life? That could have helped. But I’m not sure a woman who packed up and disappeared on you is someone with whom you could have worked things out. So, while we may have chosen being single over a relationship that wasn’t working, it doesn’t mean most of… Read more »
John, Just because a marriage fails, doesn’t mean we failed. Failure is a learning experience. I have grown and learned so much, and in great ways, since my divorce. I have come to see the world through a different lens. Learning you invested more time in your business, your band and your writing than in your love relationship will serve as your learning experience when someone who is truly worthy enters your life. All our experiences help us become a better and better person. Don’t look at your past as failing, look at it as stepping stones to a wonderful… Read more »
Just wanted to say John Steven’s. You will find love with that attitude and motivation to change. We learn from our past mistakes. Kuddos.
I have learned that you can’t generalize. Every woman is herself and no other. They are all beautiful, but in as many ways as there are women.
@John Gottman,
I love what you said. Yes! We are all individuals and it would be amazing if people stopped projecting and started seeing, listening, and feeling for the person in front of them (not the ones from their past).
Great read! So what happens when you are perfectly honest about who you are and what you are looking for in the relationship and the man agrees that he wants the same, only in the end to find out it was all a game? It would be a no-brainer if I was speaking of teenager or even a 20-something who is still trying to find himself and isn’t ready to settle down, but I am talking about a man over 40/50. When does the selfishness and games end? How do you develop trust and integrity within a relationship if only… Read more »
Great read! So what happens when you are PERFECTLY CLEAR about your wants. needs, and intentions for your life and the relationship you are in with the man you are with, and they agree that they want the same, only to realize in the end that they are not being honest with you about their life, what they are capable of, and who they are? **By the way, this is a man over 40**.How do you justify that? How do you recover from that and learn to trust that the next man is who he says he is? Granted, we… Read more »
@ Cookie, “Why not be honest about where you are in life so that the woman you are seeing can make a conscious choice about remaining in the relationship, or if she should move on and find someone who wants the same, and the only thing you and he have to focus on is whether or not you get along, have chemistry, and want the same things out of life; basically you both are operating from a space of integrity with little to no room for deceit.” Honesty and integrity are always best. The problem today is too many people… Read more »
@Julia Byrd,
Thanks you! I am doing well. The fact that I can wake up every morning and look at myself in the mirror and know that my intentions were grounded in integrity, is what matters most to me. You live and you learn.
Cheers 🙂
I’m sorry to hear it. Judging by what you’ve written, it sounds like the dishonesty you’re talking about involves something like cheating or worse. I don’t know what to tell you if that’s the case. There are guys out there who aren’t like this. I know a lot of them. Unfortunately, their success with women and relationships is practically non-existent.
WHO knows, Anthony? A little self awareness goes a long way. I come to realize that at this ‘stage in life’ (4o plus), we all have some thing (or things) that we have to contend with; we’re not children anymore – ex husbands, ex wives, ex girlfriends, ex boyfriends, ex lovers, children, child support, alimony, etc., however, it’s not an excuse to betray someone’s trust just or love for your own edification. We’re grown ups (or supposed to be) and that means that we are aware and recognize the consequences of lying, cheating, or whatever. Know yourself and what you… Read more »
@Cookie, I don’t know you, so I’m going to guess from what you shared that your ex was selfish and a jerk. I imagine he was good at charming the pants off of you in the beginning, and that’s what drew you in. There are lots of charmers who are emotional manipulators, and it’s crucial to learn the signs early on. To prevent this from happening again, you must learn to recognize and stay away from emotionally dangerous men before you get involved. I recommend several good books on my website http://lastfirstdate.com/about/recommended-by-sandy/#sthash.agWMQy40.RsjYX1Ek.dpbs. It’s also important to love and honor yourself… Read more »
@Sandy,
Thank you for your feedback and book suggestion. Your guess/assessment is correct, unfortunately. I’m not angry – I’m more disappointed that it happened as it did. I know there are great men out there – it’s just ironic yet intriguing that I came across your article on The Good Men Project, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to read as well as offer my input. The diverse perspectives are the reason I am a dedicated reader.
I am not doubting Cookie’s words, but for Sandy to say, “your ex was selfish and a jerk,” amazed me! Cookie wrote her side of the story. Her ex, I am sure, would relay the story in a very different light, if asked. As a mother, I taught my children there are three sides to every story, my side, your side and the truth. We all embellish to make ourselves sound better or to make the story more enhanced. The same applies here about three sides to the story. To say Cookie and her ex were not on the same… Read more »
Angry, entitled, operating assumption about men is that we’re guilty until proven otherwise. Go on Tinder and look at the photos women post of themselves; lots of shots of fishing, guns, motorcycles, hanging out with other women with a drink in one hand.. Basically, fraternity photos of men from another era. So, they meet a man and their attitude is “You can pay for stuff and try to impress me but I don’t need you. You are here for my entertainment pleasure.” Lots of comments about “make me laugh”. Talk about clueless! They really don’t know what message they are… Read more »
@ Sandy and the other lovely ladies reading this. I have spoken many times to many ladies whom help other ladies find a partner. The situation is as follows. The majority of single forty year old boys and men want love but in a lot of ways don’t fully understand this. For the majority sex is the method. Who teaches love in a relationship, women. In the near future and I’m seeing it now women are developing enough compassion to do just that. Women “NEED” to understand this. (Criticize me if you like your choice) In ancient scriptures it talks… Read more »
wow lots of angry women. no wonder they are single
@mb,
Exactly. Angry women. Angry men. They turn off the people they want to attract.
Yup, there’s a phenomenon I guess you could call “making good men pay for the sins of their predecessors”. I’ve never been in a relationship where I haven’t experienced a somewhat extreme version of this every day. It’s a tough thing, because after enduring it so long, walking on eggshells, you even start to feel and act guilty. The moments of clarity can be explosive, and most of the time, at least for me, it’s just another factor in the regret I live with over never having been in a relationship in the decades where I might have found someone… Read more »
@Anthony,
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I’m going to push back a little and ask you, aren’t you doing the same thing these women are doing by thinking that all women you meet will have ‘horrible emotional baggage’? We we all have emotional baggage. It just depends on how we manage it. There are some wonderful women who don’t dump their baggage on the men they date. Find one of those, and don’t give up hope.
I guess you’d have to know a lot more about me and my history. It beggars belief. My old hard drive journals from the 80s and 90s contain stories, lists, and numbers that paint a picture of such epic “failure to launch” that even I have trouble believing it when I go back and read them. But without getting into it, I’ll just say that I’ve decided to live with, and figure out a way to deal with this issue in my current relationship. I’ve already gone through a lot with her for 10 years, and I love her enough… Read more »
Anthony, Coming from a long-term marriage, into my happy single years, I have learned the biggest red flag when dating at this age is someone who brings his ex into conversation. Why, oh why, would someone want to discuss their ex? You’re sitting at a table, out walking the boardwalk, wherever you are with a new date discussing your ex?!?!? How absurd, how out of place! Focus on the new person you’re with. Our exes are history, Goodbye, good riddance. How can anyone expect to have a second go-round if their ex keeps creeping into the new relationship? Exes only… Read more »
Hahaha…oh man, this is problematic for me. I’m in a highly unusual situation. Here’s my “bomb drop” one sentence explanation of my life, which very few people I know in real life know about: I live together in a house that I co-own with my girlfriend, her husband, and her son, and have for almost 9 years now. I’ll pause, and let that get properly absorbed. Most people need to hear/read it twice…. Yeah. That’s how extreme I had to get to find any kind of loving relationship. The compromises I’ve had to make for all of this to be… Read more »
I would be curious if the polled women (or women here in the same demo) might be able to expound on what “clueless” means, more specifically.
I’m in the demo of men mentioned, and could certainly qualify as “clueless”, I guess, depending on what that means (am I clueless for not knowing? :)).
@ Jim B.. I chuckle because I can hear the women reading your comment saying, “See I told you so..” I think “clueless” is specifically referenced to this large swath of men 40+ who lack any rudimentary understanding of women. Men who do not know “how to read a woman.” Men who do not know how to start and hold a conversation with a woman. Men who do not know how to lead and take charge in a relationship. Men who cannot discern when a woman is simply being friendly (as opposed to being really interested in him) or vice… Read more »
And why is it a woman can quickly size up a man’s intentions? Because more often than not he is very direct about it. Men who are not are called aloof, mysterious, etc. The “cluelessness” on men’s part is the bias built into our modes of communication. While many of us have exercised our “power of observation” into full fruition, it’s at best a probability that still does not give intent – analogous to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. Any woman’s frustration about a man’s “cluelessness” or ‘needs to be told what to do’ – isn’t speaking to his preferred /… Read more »
MJP
No ,Jules are right.
Women in general are far better than men to read things like face expressions, and more.
It is said to b an ability we need to raise babies, look into their faces and be sensitive to their needs long before than can talk.
You can test your self, with online test that show a persons eyes. And you have to tell what they feel. Take some of the tests. It is fun and maybe you are more sensitive than other men.
KIM,
Absolutely, women are far better than men at reading facial expressions. But the are also far better at hiding or disguising their own.
Flyingkal
I have never heard that before ,what you say here.
And frankly I have never though about it . You say women are far better at hiding their feelings than men.
@Jim B.,
Good question.
@Julia Byrd beautifully captured what I think these women meant by clueless.
And like I said in the article, I advocate for these women to learn to communicate better. Men can’t read their minds, which is still surprising to many.
This is why I teach communication skills to women, so that men and women can have better relationships.
I guess I’m clueless. I’m 48 and single after having lost my wife of 16 years to breast cancer in 2014. The single scene today is all new to me, and I’m navigating it as best I can. Fact is that if there is some sort of manual on how to read a woman and be less clueless, post a link and I’ll have my credit card ready. I want to understand what a woman thinks and how she feels. That’s important to me!! I haven’t dated since before smart phones were made, so I have some catching up to… Read more »
@ Gary, First, I want to say I am very sorry for the loss of your wife… Second, I was married for 17 years. I was unloved and undesired for most of those years. Painful thing. But, I will get over it. Like you, I too am now single. But, I guess I am a lucky soul. I do not have any issues with “dating.” The challenge is finding women I feel are good, trustworthy, loyal, and not seeking to emasculate me (read deny me regular sex). It’s a quality thing for me. Always has been. I am now in… Read more »
Anthony, Coming from a long-term marriage, into my happy single years, I have learned the biggest red flag when dating at this age is someone who brings his ex into conversation. Why, oh why, would someone want to discuss their ex? You’re sitting at a table, out walking the boardwalk, wherever you are with a new date discussing your ex?!?!? How absurd, how out of place! Focus on the new person you’re with. Our exes are history, Goodbye, good riddance. How can anyone expect to have a second go-round if their ex keeps creeping into the new relationship? Exes only… Read more »
Clueless means the man has no idea WHAT I WANT! Clueless means he’s not a mind-reader. Clueless is a great way to blame the guy. Clueless means I shouldn’t have to tell a man what is important to me, he should have ESP and automatically read what’s going on in my mind. Clueless is a cop-out. Clueless means it’s not my ‘fault,’ it’s his! Clueless is subjective, not objective. If all the people who claim a man is clueless could put into more definitive terms, they would. They want what they want, the man should know what that is, if… Read more »
Has there been a similar one done on what men think of women in their 40’s? I’m very curious.
Re. the above comments, I don’t seem to have heard a lot of the negative opinions mentioned above. Just lucky I guess, the women I’ve spoken with seem to have a slightly more even/realistic/fair perspective of men, perhaps slightly more appreciative of the gains of life experience & maturity
@Elle,
I would love to see what men think about women 40+. That’s why I asked the question at the end of the article. So far, no bites.
I agree with you—men over 40 can be so much more interesting based on their life experiences. Works for me!
Ok then, I don’t think I particularly qualify, having so little relationship experience, but I am observant, I’m in my 40s myself, and I’ve picked up a few things. They’re less interested in playing games. They have a better understanding of what they want out of a relationship. They’ve been burned by enough assholes that they’re tired of it, and want a sincere, loving man that interests them beyond just being conventionally attractive. As a guy, you’d better have more to show for yourself than just being tall, handsome, aggressive, and “manly”. Because a tiny, scrawny old bugger like me… Read more »
@ Sandy “That’s why I asked the question at the end of the article. So far, no bites.” Probably because men don’t think of women over 40 unless they’re in their 50s or more or more likely they don’t view women over 40 as different from women under 40. I’m not sure there is a difference for me. I don’t really see the women as having changed. They’re still looking for a man who can protect and provide for them. I’ve never viewed a woman as more attractive just because she had a boyfriend. I’m not sure how many men… Read more »
Most people my age seem to be somewhat “worse for wear” (I Think that’s the expression)
And that goes for men and women alike, mostly.
Including myself, so I usually jus ask myself what the point of it all is?
Hi Sandy
And here is what they said about singel men in 1960 ” Men without women”.
http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/6564/
@Kim,
Fascinating article!
“Happy, well-adjusted bachelors are, however, a minority among America’s unmarried men. Most of them—whether single, widowed or divorced—spend a good portion of their leisure time in a search for a mate.”
The guys I know are more interested in rebuilding their life after being raped by a divorce and could not give two frocks what women think.
The state of relationships is what it is because men are treated like transaction financial chattel to where ever the ex has jumped to next.
But be of good cheer, we are helping nephews, sons, and the generation behind us to avoid marriage all together.
celebrating year 48 of never wed, never bred.
@boris,
Wow. Not a big fan of marriage, huh?
I still believe in love and marriage, no matter how many divorces and dysfunctional relationships we have witnessed. At the crux of failed relationships is often a lack of relationship skills, which is why I do the work I do.
@ Sandy Weiner, “At the crux of failed relationships is often a lack of relationship skills, which is why I do the work I do.” Is this really the case Sandy? I feel you are being a bit disingenuous here. If a woman never really loved or desired a man but saw him as a “good catch”…..as in good provider and good father to kids, can you really say poor relationship skills is the problem? I do not care how great your relationships skills are, such skills will never create love, desire, and a lasting relationship. The love and desire… Read more »
Hi Jules
I am not so sure .
How can you explain that many couple in arrange marriage end up with a good marriage ,and that most also mean that the two strangers develop love for each other over time .
In some cases they are permitted to say no to parents choice and I guess that is when they feel no attraction.
Anyway. Arranged marriage works for some and that means love can develop when two persons treat each other well.
KIM,
I guess that in most groups, there are individual people who tries to make the best out of any given situation. And in this case, being in a marriage where you know that you are “stuck” with each other and divorce is not an option, why not try to work together and make the best of it?
Now I don’t know if this is more or less common among arranged marriages compared to the kind of “love-based” marriages we purport to in the western world. But I don’t know if anyone else can be really sure about that, either?
Scary version, Sandy?
I hear and read the same from many, many men and boys, about women, across the board.
How we got here is somewhat beyond me. How we get back to a better understanding, a greater respect, a more real communion, is, well, yet to be seen, but your work, writing, my bloviating certainly can’t hurt.
@DJ Roukan,
I seek to raise awareness and teach better dating/relationship skills. This article seems to resonate for many, with 3,300+ FB shares in a little over 24-hours. Thanks as always for your comments 🙂