There are two intersecting trends that are changing the ways men and women live and love.
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I’ve seen a disturbing trend where more and more men feel disconnected, disrespected, and angry.
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I see these changes in my friends and family and in the clients who come to me for marriage and family counseling. These changes have taken place, for the most part, under the radar of our awareness but they are changing everything from how we deal with our health to who we elect as our next president.
A recent book review in the New York Times, from which the above picture was taken, begins:
“Throughout America’s history, the start of adult life for women — whatever else it might have been destined to include — had been typically marked by marriage,” Rebecca Traister writes in her new book, All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation. “Since the late 19th century, the median age of first marriage for women had fluctuated between 20 and 22. This had been the shape, pattern and definition of female life.”
But the times are changing, big time. An article in New York Magazine quotes Ms. Traister’s research:
“In 2009, the proportion of American women who were married dropped below 50 percent. In other words, for the first time in American history, single women (including those who were never married, widowed, divorced, or separated) outnumbered married women. Perhaps even more strikingly, the number of adults younger than 34 who had never married was up to 46 percent, rising 12 percentage points in less than a decade. For women under 30, the likelihood of being married has become astonishingly small: Today, only around 20 percent of Americans ages 18–29 are wed, compared to nearly 60 percent in 1960.”
“It is a radical upheaval, a national reckoning with massive social and political implications,” says Traister. “Across classes, and races, we are seeing a wholesale revision of what female life might entail. We are living through the invention of independent female adulthood as a norm, not an aberration, and the creation of an entirely new population: adult women who are no longer economically, socially, sexually, or reproductively dependent on or defined by the men they marry.”
So, we might summarize one trend as: “Independent Single Ladies on the Rise.”
For more than forty years I have specialized in working with men. I’m seeing a disturbing trend of increased male irritability and anger, along with a rise in the depression and suicide rates for males. In doing research for my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, I developed a quiz that has now been taken by more than 60,000 men throughout the world.
I’ve seen a disturbing trend where more and more men feel disconnected, disrespected, and angry. We see the anger acted out in violent attacks such as the ones we saw in Orlando and also in the rhetoric of presidential candidate Donald Trump. We also see it in a rise of male loneliness.
Men’s increasing isolation from others helps account for the fact that men die sooner and live sicker than do women.
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When I speak to large groups of men and women, I ask the women how many have three or more close friends that they can talk to about their hopes and dreams as well as their fears and frustrations. Almost all the women raise their hands. When I ask the same question of the men in the audience, almost no one raises their hand. Many men don’t have even one close friend that they can share their most intimate concerns with. For men who do have a close friend, it is often his wife. If there are stresses in the relationship, as is true for all marriages, the man has no one who he can open up to and with whom he can share his feelings.
Men’s increasing isolation from others helps account for the fact that men die sooner and live sicker than do women. According to social scientist Thomas Joiner, author of Lonely at the Top: The High Cost of Men’s Success, “Males experience higher mortality rates than females at all stages of life from conception to old age.”
Suicide is the most extreme indicator of male mortality. According to the National Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, there were 41,149 suicides in 2013 in the United States (the most recent year for which full statistics were available). 32,920 (80%) of the suicides were committed by men.
Dr. Joiner reports on one such suicide which is typical of many. “A postmortem report on a suicide decedent read, “He did not have friends…He did not feel comfortable with other men…He did not trust doctors and would not seek help even though he was aware that he needed help.”
Unfortunately, this is a common experience for an increasing number of men. Joiner concludes that “Men’s main problem is not self-loathing, stupidity, greed, or any of the legions of other things they’re accused of. The problem, instead, is loneliness; as they age, they gradually lose contact with friends and family, and here’s the important part, they don’t replenish them.”
We might summarize the other trend in the words of a recent research study on suicide prevention: “Women seek help…Men die.”
I see these two trends interweaving and reinforcing each other. As women become more independent and self-sufficient they are not willing to settle for a marriage where their needs are not met. They would rather get their social and emotional support from work associates, friends, and family.
I see men and women longing to connect with each other, but feeling increasingly less hopeful about finding real, lasting love in relationship.
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As men feel unable to meet women’s needs for economic, emotional, and social support, they feel more inadequate and distance themselves even more, often escaping into pornography, increased alcohol consumption, and compulsive work habits. I hear from many women that “there just aren’t any good men out there to marry” and they become even more self-sufficient and self-contained. I hear from men who say, “Women just don’t want intimacy anymore.” They become more fearful of reaching out to women and risking rejection.
The result is that like the Republicans and Democrats, men and women increasingly live in different worlds. They distrust each other and are often in conflict. Unlike the Republicans and Democrats (at least for now), I see men and women longing to connect with each other, but feeling increasingly less hopeful about finding real, lasting love in relationship.
The first step in changing things for the better is to acknowledge what is going on. I look forward to your comments and hearing about your own experiences. Share your comments below. I’d love to connect with you. That makes my life less lonely.
Originally Published on MenAlive.com
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Photo: Getty Images
Hi Jed, What a fantastic article? You made some Great points that are plenty valid. I’ve written an article titled, “Why Marriage Makes Some Men Nervous” https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/why-marriage-makes-some-men-nervous-mlyd/ and I’d like to see what you and your readers think about some of the points that were made in it. Thanks!
Great piece. It’s also worth noticing that while the comments are full of MRAs / MGTOW declaring the author wrong, none if contended with what you have written.
If men are happy avoiding marriage and it is women who seek it, how do they explain the rise of the incel movement? And the spread of violent misogyny online by men furious are not being able to find partners?
If it is women who are the ones seeking marriage why is there no equivalent incel movement for women.
what are you on? why buy the cow if we can just drink the milk
men are the ones that know marriage is a bad deal…men aren’t lonely lol, lookup pickup artists on the rise and even seminars and schools for teaching men how to get laid and how marriage is a bad deal in our current shitty legal system.. so get your facts strait
No, see it’s not women. It’s the men. If they’re not forming relationships after a certain age, or their being general asses to the women population because they’re “lonely” then go get them some therapy or write an article about what needs to change. We have changed ourselves, to become more independent. We don’t need men, and men are not entiled to women!! Let them have a hobby other than porn, let them think of us as something more than a dog or a sex toy. That’s why independent women marry independent men- instead of lonely depressed fucks who arent… Read more »
In the 60s, the Monkees had a song that said ” it’s a little bit, it’s a little bit you…too.” I think that sums up this problem succinctly. The battle of the sexes isn’t new. Its not the fault of feminism. Its not the fault of political conservatism, either. If someone always finds themselves alone and lonely when they don’t want to be and they want an honest answer as to who is really at fault, then go look into a mirror. Fact of the matter is the buck stops with you. You only have yourself to blame if there… Read more »
Agreed. I think the mindset of greed plays a part. Everyone wondering what they will get out of it instead of thinking, “how hard am i willing to work for a healthy relationship?”
Connect with other MGTOW men on YouTube such as Sandman, etc. Watch MGTOW videos on YouTube and join the community.
Turn to MGTOW for support.
Well with so many women sleeping around with different men all the time which it will be very difficult for these women to commit to just only one man anyway.
What about all the men sleeping around with different women all the time? You think they will be able to commit to just one woman? Hardly.
I completely agree with this. I’m a ISTJ personality. I’ve been looking for a good woman who is attractive, intelligent, spiritual, and is looking for a lifelong relationship. Yet all I ever find are girls who don’t want marriage or kids. I’ve been ignored, stood up, lied to, and cheated on more than I care to deal with. I’m now seeking a counselor to deal loneliness and depression because I really don’t have anyone to confide in. I feel like this article really hit the nail on the head with me.
If you yourself are the same as what you are looking for, then let’s go out.
Also, you do have people. Just go online and talk if you need to. There are so many online communities and people are a lot more willing to listen and help if you reach out.
No, you’ve got this completely backwards. Tell me, who spends billions of dollars on bridal magazines and wedding crap? Women. Who does the wedding industry market to? Women. Who obsesses about marriage from the time they’re little girls? Women. It’s men that are through with women and marriage. Women have made marriage all risk and no reward for the men. Their plan is to marry some chump, have a couple of kids, then divorce him. Then she gets his money and the kids and can then chase bad boys all she wants. Men have wised up and are no longer… Read more »
You’re an idiot. How about a woman trusting a man, giving up her career to raise the kids, because he wanted her to and then he decides he’s not a family man and moves on. It’s women that are through with marriage…there’s no point in it for women. I’ll have you know I got hardly enough to live on after the divorce while supporting him and taking care of the kids on business trips for 20 years while he built his career and I had to let go of my career. Women don’t need saving…
Just imagine, our population is ruined by sick males who abuse little girls, who grow up in fear. One out of three women had been abused. One out of 3!!! These are the women who pay for the guys sins all their lives. And if you fall in love with somebody who had been abused, you will pay the price in sorrow.
We don’t trust men. if we want children we can buy some sperm. Modern women KNOW that they are able to have a wonderful life with each other. So what do you bring the table dudes? Whining?
It is depressing that NONE of you responded to that women used to be children, and youngsters, by the time they reach the age of coupling, old males have abused them. I mentioned the ratio is HUGE. 1out of 3 girls arrive into adulthood with broken boundaries. This is where we come from. Little boys are also abused. especially in religious settings. Then they grow into adulthood with their own broken boundaries and fractured self respect. Old males go to sex tours in Thailand, but they can find a lot of opportunity here in the usa. Some state even allow… Read more »
Then please, avoid men. I would have chosen death by loneliness than dealing with the attitude and hate that you have for us. Fortunately thank God there are both men who aren’t abusive and women who don’t treat all men with suspicion.
And MGTOW can go kick rocks, too.
You don’t trust men? If I were a teenaged male right now I wouldn’t be as worried about finding a wife as I would be worried about being stuck with a hateful woman like you.
I have to disagree with you. I’m a big fan on male and female forums and female forums are filled with women that complain that all the do is work, cook, clean, tend to the kids, etc while the guy just lays around and plays video games. While, if you go to male forums there is always sexualization and too much misogyny. Most guys even admit that they just want sex and for her to be his mother basically, as in clean/cook, etc. That to me as a female, looks like a pretty crappy deal. And by the way, I… Read more »
You guys are all here because you are filled with your own anger and it is all your fault. Mommy did not do this to you. Pull up your big boy pants and have a reality check – you need to be alone for that kind of personal growth so yeah, chum up together and call it a club, but you are alone because you are some version of asshole – know that and embrace it, stop blaming Women.
this is bullshit. it is actually the other way around. men do not want get married now that feminism has completely destroyed marriage
psychologytoday says other wise as to how long men live in relation to their relationship statuses. Quote “Two groups of people lived the longest: those who got married and stayed married, and those who stayed single. People who divorced, or who divorced and remarried, had shorter lives” end quote.. I think I would believe Psychology today” and the longest-running study of longevity ever conducted. well before ZI would believe you. Relationships are very stressful when they go bad and do affect you for life. The fewer bad relationships you have the longer you live so hope for a great till… Read more »
Yup, I haven’t even been able to have a single date or anything for the last 8 years. I’ve become very angry/resentful/sad/ frustrated and alienated feeling in regards to women. It feels like a surreal nightmare how impossible it is to genuinely connect with anyone/ how closed off women are. I really hate this culture.
This article is misleading. From what I’ve seen, it’s the MEN who are saying “NO” to marriage, & the women who are getting either angry & depressed.
I think the issue is framing.
Women that say no to marriage are “strong and independent and are stating they don’t need a man”.
Men that say no to marriage are “man children afraid of commitment and/or upset that they can’t trap woman into marriage anymore”.
When you start off with the assumption that men are into marriage to control women then its no wonder than you come out thinking that men are upset over not getting married.
Its like the idea that men don’t want to get married for any other reason just doesn’t cross these people’s minds.
This 100% The writer of this article has his head up his ass. I’m 24 and the last 3 girls I was with brought up marriage and children almost constantly and I said I wasn’t having it. A lot of my male friends have had similar situations and we all agree to not marry. Rather work for ourselves and enjoy life. I’ve yet to meet a women who doesn’t fantasize about marriage and there wedding. This article is trash and the author probably knows it but has to cater to the “strong, independent, women can do anything a man can… Read more »
Hi
How could you say such a thing, you dirty misogynist sexist pig!!!
Is it bad that as a teen (I’ll be 18 in a few months) that I feel this? Sure I have a friend who’s a girl that helps the social part but I’m seeing these types of things in guys in my age bracket.
And what do we say to death and article writers telling us we will die?
Not today.
Who gave this idiot a Phd?
More BS. I love how the media loves to spin this nonsense. If your single and don’t conform to what others think, they try to shame you into it. Want to be happy in life? Be true to yourself and ignore this nonsense. Self love is the greatest love!
I’m beginning to accept that too. No crap, no problems.
Note to author: Please hook me up with your dealer’s contact #.. I want what you’re smoking… From where I sit — from my research over the past 23,000 hours (4 years) — I see the exact opposite.
It’s funny the way progressivism works (specifically Bolshevik progressivism): Where each statement or directional concept is the utter diametric anomaly.
Tell me more about the Bolshevik progressivism.
MGTOW.
Women are independent? Oh, that’s a hoot. Women live to insinuate themselves into men’s lives. Women go where the men are. Women mooch off of men. The government transfers the assets of men via taxes to fund the free will choices of women through social programs. It would indeed be nice of women would quit using men and leave men alone but for that to happen, online articles would have to sock it to women in plan language and there is simply too much money to be made in telling pretty lies to women for anyone to ever respect women… Read more »
Lemme guess, single angry man? Ha!
Lemme guess, have to resort to shaming language(must be single, can’t get laid) because you can’t refute any of his arguments? Ha!
Single woman here, waiting for my paycheck from the government. I had no idea I could just stop working and be supported by others at any time. REALLY exciting news. Thank you, @hippiefreak.
This article is grounded on ignorance. The author’s ignorance does a fine job of supporting the message that women want to hear. FACT: It is Men that are on a Marriage Strike. Yes, some few women are, but they are the exception.
If you “pull your head out of you know where” , you will find LOTS of: proof, facts, and even HARD DATA proving that this article applies almost NOWHERE on the face of the planet.
I recommend you start by reading a simple book named: Men On Strike, by Dr. Helen Smith
I’ve recently filed for a divorce from a man who allowed me to pay the bills solely for 7 of our 8 year marriage, no kids. I supported his dreams and told him to pursue his goals. He tried a couple businesses but never took the initiative to do what was needed to make them successful financially. Slowly over time my resentment grew. At the end, he was starting to make money, but wouldn’t do much to give me money for bills. Sometimes he bought me things, but mostly he bought things for himself. We owned a house that was… Read more »
How horrible for you. You were treated like a man.
Don’t listen to James. He’s low in the dominant hierarchy.
She wasn’t treated like a man, she was treated like a servant.
check out deborrah cooper on youtube. she has a TON of content on tis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nlk5l_WSOCs
If women are avoiding marriage as you state I would suggest it stems from unrealistic expectations of what they deserve as their ‘ideal’ man. We have a generation of women who through ‘body acceptance’ are trying to dictate to men what we should find attractive. OK cupid the dating site analyzed data from women rating men’s photos – the result was that women rated 80% of men as less than attractive. While feminism has freed women in many areas it has also sold them the idea that they can have it all. Why has women’s unhappiness increased since the 50’s?… Read more »
I think it’s more that women realize that they don’t need a man to meet their needs anymore and if they do marry, they want an even partnership in which both of their needs can be met. Women realize that they don’t HAVE TO get married anymore.
Yes women rated men as not attractive but still went after those men.
That same study showed 60% of Male messages only went to the top 1/3 of women.
So Rocky, I hear you saying women don’t find you attractive?