The next time you’re approaching a change in your life–a new job, a house move, a child going off to college–do consider the impact it could have on your relationship.
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Three years ago, my husband started a new job. It seemed like a great move: more money, less stress, a shorter commute. But from the very first day, he knew he’d made a mistake. Not only was the job less fulfilling, it was moving him away from magazine design–the work he loves to do most.
Having struggled to juggle work and childcare for years, my life suddenly became much easier.
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At the end of his first week, we had a rare child-free weekend away. But as we wandered the streets of Bruges, we weren’t feeling romantic. Instead, we were discussing how terrible he was feeling about his job move–and I was trying to convince him to quit.
For me, it was a no-brainer: he should quit his job and go freelance. Having been happily self-employed for a decade, life was too short to stay in a job he hated. Besides, my media consultancy business was doing okay. I was pretty confident I could support us while he got his own up and running. He handed his notice in a few days later.
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The first few months were great–at least from my point of view. Having struggled to juggle work and childcare for years, my life suddenly became much easier. I didn’t have to worry about who was picking my daughter up from school or how I was going to drop her at her dance class and get to a meeting in time.
As a natural risk-taker, being self-employed has never really worried me. I enjoy the freedom of not having a boss and trust the opportunities will keep coming (which they generally do). My husband is far more driven by security and is always worrying where the next paycheck is coming from.
But, I was so busy enjoying my new-found freedom (and secretly a bit worried he’d start looking for another regular job) I didn’t think to ask how he was coping with the change. And he was so busy trying to get his head around his new way of life, he didn’t think to ask me either. We both just got on with it.
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It took a year or so for me to recognise our relationship was heading for trouble. Before he quit his job, I’d look forward to him coming home and, after we’d put our daughter to bed, we’d chat about our day over dinner. Now, we were around each other all day (even sharing an office for a while) there wasn’t as much to talk about.
And with both of us self-employed, we felt under pressure to take on as much work as we could manage. Instead of having cosy chats over dinner, most of the time we ate separately–often at our laptops.
At around the same time I got into running. I met a whole new group of friends through my new hobby, and before I knew it, we were pretty much leading separate lives. I ran, he went to football. When we did talk, we were grumbling at each other about unpaid bills or washing up.
And underneath it all there was this underlying tension about money. Initially, I employed him in my business, which put me under financial strain. But every time I brought the subject up, he got defensive–and so do I–so we generally let it drop.
It didn’t make sense: we’d been through so much together as a couple: serious illness, infertility, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and the traumatic birth of our daughter, who arrived three months early. How could my husband’s change in work circumstances–which seemed so insignificant in comparison–put a strain on our marriage?
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It sounds cliched, but the experience has taught me that you can’t get afford to get complacent.
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Thankfully, we recognised what was going on in time. Over the past year or so, we made several changes that have improved our relationship to no end. We now have separate offices–and businesses–which has helped recreate that ‘coming home at the end of the day’ feeling. We also sit down and eat together, most evenings. And while we’ve still got very separate hobbies, we’ve made the effort to do more things we both like–such as foreign travel–so we can spend time together.
It sounds cliched, but the experience has taught me that you can’t get afford to get complacent. While we often cope surprisingly well with big life traumas, a mere change in circumstance can be enough to rock the foundations of even the most solid relationship.
So the next time you’re approaching a change in your life–a new job, a house move, a child going off to college–do consider the impact it could have on your relationship.
Simply remembering to ‘check in’ with your wife or partner–and how you’re both coping with the changes–could save you a lot of heartbreak.
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Photo: Flickr/ erin m