Okay, I admit it. Guilty as charged. I once wrote the phrase, “moms are generally better parents than dads. And that goes double for me” on the parenting website Babble. And I took endless shit for it. Rightfully so. But my lede was intended as a sucker punch, drawing moms in before I lectured them on a long list of things that moms actually don’t always get right (in my humble opinion) when it comes to raising boys. My list wasn’t intended to limit the spectrum of gender roles for parents nor kids, just push moms to think a little outside the box if they hadn’t already about what having a penis might mean in terms of how to deal with a male child.
Apparently Babble didn’t get the joke, or the memo. Since for mother’s day they published a list of ten things that moms do better than dads. No following lecture from a dad to moms about parenting, just a flat statement of fact.
Ready for this crap:
- Hugging (my hugs are legendary…think what happens when a 230 pound man takes a crying baby in his arms with a heart full of love)
- Injuries (do you know what it’s like to sleep with your toddler in the hospital on New Year’s Eve when his asthma is so bad he can’t breathe?)
- Changing Diapers (there’s this thing called the daddy lock which involved gently holding down a baby’s legs while protecting yourself from urine…)
- Preparing Health Foods (does cooking for two kids starting at ages 1 and 3 for six years solo count?)
- Keeping Kids Clean (bath time is the best ritual there is according to this dad, along with mandatory room cleaning)
- Snuggling (Please see my NYT piece: “Man I need a good cuddle” and the Gawker response calling me a pussy for saying so)
- Cooking (not sure the author can count but see #4)
- Going out and about (he seems to say dads can’t get anywhere without forgetting the diaper bag…listen after years of solo parenting my kids know its military precision when we leave the house)
- Expressing Emotion (WTF, really? I basically droop love all over my kids all day every day. They know that I know they are the best thing that ever happened to me)
- Making Sick Kids Feel Better (again, see #2. Add the thousand times my kids have vomited all over me and my command of the kids pain killer alternatives for fever)
Moms are not better. Dads are not better. There is a wide spectrum of parenting and roles, many that have nothing to do with gender. But when I read articles like this one it just makes me so mad and sad (see #9 above). So many men I know are awesome dads. That takes absolutely nothing away from moms. But to claim that we can’t feed, clothe, cuddle or care for our kids as well as moms is so insanely wrong on so many levels I think my head is about to explode.
What do you think?
I don’t know whats more offensive. Catherine’s bigotry or her rationalization of it.
Future lists to appear on Babble based on the “personal experience” of their bloggers:
10 Things Whites do better than Blacks.
10 Things Christians do better than Jews.
10 Things Straights do better than Gays.
I was going to hide under a sheet and make a “Leave Cody ALOOONE” video, I decided to write 500 words instead
http://blogs.babble.com/kid-scoop/2012/05/15/i-bbq-my-wife-does-laundry-and-other-gender-stereotypes/
This intense uproar is over the top, people. Hug it out.
Unfortunately for my children, their father chooses not be too involved too heavily in their lives. I could easily read the Babble post and shout “HOW TRUE IT IS!!!!” based on my personal experience. However, it would be a total lie. Because my significant other has stepped up to the plate with joy, patience, and more love than I ever would have expected. (And I expect A LOT when it comes to my kids!) He gives the ‘best’ hugs, he is the ‘best’ listener, he is the ‘funner’ adult to be around. My kids just flat out love that man,… Read more »
Catherine: I respect you coming on and expressing your views. But your dismissive and condescending tone leaves a lot to be desired. First of all, I don’t think Cody should be fired or kicked off the site. He made a bad judgment call — it happens. Hopefully he’ll learn from it. Frankly I take more issue with your baffling defense of his article and indignant nature concerning the backlash. 1) Cody did NOT write a personal piece about his own experiences. The title says “10 Things Mothers Do Better Than Fathers.” Not “10 Things My Wife Does Better Than Me,”… Read more »
DadCAMP: “Go to a zoo, a playground, an amusement park, a mall, etc .. men are, for the mostpart, meatheads. There are a lot of us that care a lot about our kids, but there are a lot of asses dragging our side of the gender equation down.” How would you know they’re meatheads? You personally speak with them to find out or are you just pulling this assumption out of thin air like the rest you’ve made? Maybe those “Asses” wouldn’t be dragging your side of the gender equation down if you stopped putting all your focus on waiting… Read more »
You judge millions of men as “meatheads” and “asses” without ever speaking with them or reading a word they wrote. Their experiences become erased in your rush to clump them together to fit your myopic view of half the world. Incredible. Those “enlightened” people like you who have taken to the blogosphere to share how enlightened they are do more harm than good by perpetuating the negative attitudes people carry towards men. Your breathtaking generalizations betray a common sentiment: men are incompetent fools who must be reformed by women (feminists). Men have problems, but men are not a problem. Maybe… Read more »
I wrote this article in reply to the stereotyping of all men as the doofus:
http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/buzz-bishop-daddy-buzz/men-are-stereotyped-too
That said, there are still some out there. I see them every weekend.
I would also add this: the dads who blog and engage in this sort of discussion are the 1%. Go to a zoo, a playground, an amusement park, a mall, etc .. men are, for the mostpart, meatheads. There are a lot of us that care a lot about our kids, but there are a lot of asses dragging our side of the gender equation down. I’ve been upset over these sorts of things before too. I cook and do groceries in our house, all the flyers are Mom-centric. I like to shop, so why did Ikea create “manland” to… Read more »
Most of the Dads I know are really awesome, actually. Or at least, I don’t know more crap Dads than I do crap Moms.
Dadcamp: You seem to be making a lot of the same implications that a lot of feminists make. If a parent spends more time doing more of the paid work versus the direct care, that doesn’t make them the lesser parent. Doing the paid work typically isn’t all sunshine and roses. There are roughly 5000 fatalities from accidents at work per year. Roughly 95% of those are men. And this is just the tip of the ice berg. When you factor in things like injuries causing permanent disabilities (at work) and exposure to things like asbestos, pesticides or chemicals you… Read more »
Hey John, I didnt say either side was a lesser parent, just saying that .. from my view, those who are on boards like this are the outlier from society. We’re engaged and trying to change things. But there are still a bulk of meatheads out there. Cody’s piece was fluff, linkbait, stereotypical, whatever. It may speak to parts of society, not all, but honestly – it doesnt matter an ounce to the relationship I have with my wife. I cook, she cleans. I take the kids to practice, she cuts the grass. For most of us, there are no… Read more »
I can agree that a lot of meatheads are out there. However, I would hypothesize that neither fathers or mothers corner the market on irresponsibility and selfishness.
I’m sure there are just as many meathead mothers as there are fathers.
“like to shop, so why did Ikea create “manland” to babysit husbands?” Pretty insulting way to put it. Do they have a “sitter?” Anyone whose been shopping has seen, first hand, that men trailing their wives around stores, because lots of times they really don’t give a crap what she picks out, as long as she’s content and happy. Lots of time they would much rather be watching or playing a game. Or at least sitting down somewhere. Hence, there are seating areas in many stores where you will see husbands sitting, patiently waiting for their wives to decide which… Read more »
So lemme guess, another article belittling men as parents to be celebrated by mothers hoping that everyone would have a good laugh because “we all know it’s true”. Sounds like it was trying to pander to mothers except I’m glad to see both women and men calling the author out on the sexism.
Calling for someone to be fired for a fluff piece is a little over the top.
Get a hold of yourself, man. It wasn’t about *you*, it was a stereotypical piece about one guy’s experiences with his wife. His way of saying “holy shit, she’s good at stuff that I am terrible at, I’m glad we’re a team.”
It’s a blog, not a commandment from the mountain.
To paraphrase Alan Iverson: “we’re talking about blogging?”
Hug it out, bitches.
Well I don’t think it’s worth calling for someone to be fired over. That being said, the original Babble article isn’t just one person talking about his own, personal, experiences. He makes generalizations…heck the title itself was a generalization. Now, if it were just a personal thing, then I wouldn’t have a problem. The bits in each part of his list where he comments on the specific parts of his own family’s dynamic…yeah no probs. It’s when he says stuff like “Mothers are definitely better at keeping their kids clean,” or “mothers are better huggers than fathers.” That’s when it… Read more »
DC:
Generally I do hug it out. But every once in a while I think it important to point out the hypocrisy. Being a dad is the most important thing to me. And this idea that I am inherently not good at it is offensive, specially when we have this whole website devoted to talking about how men can be better fathers and husbands and men.
Forgive me for caring but I do.
I’m so totally going to quote Gloria Steinem again. Get ready for it:
“Women can’t be equal outside the home until men are equal in it.”
A few mothers on my facebook need to hear that:P Watching the random belittling of the “dumb men” with the kids can get annoying! One even asked if it was ok to let the daddy take the child for a weekend alone to the grandparents…..Worried that something would happen to the kid cuz they see the mother as the all knowing, superparent.
Amen Heather.
I’m willing to accept the premise that there are some things that on balance most mothers do certain things better than most fathers (even if you only count 1st time parenting couples, i.e. negate as much as possible experience and talk about genetic disposition). However, the problem lies in drawing the conclusion that therefore mothers are better parents. The simple fact is that while women (on balance) have through genes or socialization have drifted to certain parenting strengths, so too have fathers. Studies show that the best parenting model is one mother one father. Fathers are necessary specifically *because* they… Read more »
Actually, used some screwed up math. The rate is 21 times as often, not 27.
great points John D.
My dad did none of the things on that list. He was a stereotypical uninvolved father. No hugs, no snuggling, no kissing if boo boos, no cooking (ever), no child care responsibilities of any kind. If he noticed us it was to tell us to quiet down. It was very sad, when I look back on it. So glad that today’s dads have tsken a different path.
How unfortunate.
It is not a generational thing in my family. I’m only a little different than my dad, and I think my brother is about the same. We both have wonderful relationships with our kids.
My dad is pretty traditional but also very loving and more emotional when it comes to us kids than my mom. He never cooked and I have no idea about diaper changing (which doesn’t matter to kids anyway since they don’t remember it), but he was and is a great dad.
That’s a shame, its when we’re let down by a mother, father or other emotional intimate, compounded with an absence of positive male/female role models, that feelings of misogyny / misandry start to foment. Hope that didn’t happen in your case.
Thank you Random Stranger. Fortunately I don’t think my experience with my father has caused me to be negative about men. I see my father now as a complicated individual who was dealing with his own issues. He was raised by a single mother so he didn’t have a male role model and he didn’t know how to be a good father. But he always worked hard and put food on the table. He was one of those guys who spent all his free time working around the house and yard, building things and fixing things. I know that’s how… Read more »
He could have been raised to assume men are the tough parent, they have to remain strong and never cry, the lighthouse in the storm so to speak and showing emotion or affection to a child like you wanted might not have met the male role he was taught to be. He probably wasn’t shown much of it as a child himself and was clueless on how to show it?
My dad sang a bit to me when I got a boo boo from what I remember. I think it’s not a generational thing but just some parents do different stuff, I’ve seen grandparents who were real hard-ass men and women turn into total softies with their kids and grandkids.
Dont worry about it mate. It’s just trolling/link bait sensationalization just to get views.
1. Hugging. Tie. Moms and dads hugs, I think, are different but neither is better. 2. Injuries. Moms have it. Dad are okay, but nothing like mom kissing the boo-boo. 3. Changing Diapers. Logistical tie (a 12 year old can change a diaper as well as any mother of father – it’s not rocket science). But in reality this one goes to moms. Why? Because a 12 year old boy or girl can change a diaper as well as any mother. The difference is wanting to do it. I only wanted to do it for my own kids. Moms often… Read more »
1) We don’t regard it as man-hating or dad-hating. Cody wrote a personal piece, based on his personal experience, in which he said that he believed that there were some things that moms do better than dads. Saying that someone does something better than someone else doesn’t necessarily disparage the second person; I teach my children that degrees of skill or talent don’t correspond to their worth as people, and I think that that principles applies here. Cody didn’t say that men were bad parents; he said that his own experience as a father suggested to him that there were… Read more »
1. It’s illegal to fire someone for BEING pregnant. And, women breastfeed in public all the time. Every now and then someone complains but those are few and far between. Not sure what you mean about getting fired for nursing, unless it’s that they stay at home and nurse instead of coming to work? 2. At least maternity leave exists for many pregnant women; some as long as three months. Close to 0% of fathers get even a month, let alone three months. 3. Some women do die in childbirth but, on average, men still die about five years younger.… Read more »
“I don’t think that one guy saying that his wife does ten things better than he does hurts this cause.” Here’s the thing, Catherine, he didn’t say his “wife does ten things better than he does.” The article is entitled “Top 10 Things Mothers do better than Fathers” or are we conveniently forgetting the word choice for the sake of argument? In fact, he goes on to introduce the list with this phrase: “Since Mother’s Day is this weekend, what better way to honor mothers than listing what they do better than us fathers.” Both are a sincerely hefty generalization… Read more »
“The entire piece is a gender stereotyping mess and should be removed.”
No, it’s his opinion. On a blog. Not the front page of the New York Times. Lighten up. Write a point by poin response if you disagree. That’s what I did.
It’s not even college course, many of which also have content which is clearly gender-biased, such as women’s studies classes. You need to learn to read this stuff like you’re eating fish: eat the meat and spit out the bones. Some of it has more bones than others, and the meat is hard to find.
Catherine, For someone who professes to have “studied women and families in the workplace” you seem awfully willing to provide substantive evidence that women should remain primary child caregivers. Closing that paragraph with a statement about lack of equality seems hypocritical in context. If I can rephrase what I’m hearing you say: “Women are natural caregivers, innately superior in that capacity to men. Its an injustice that society has not permitted women to continue their natural, dominant role in the home while compensating any disadvantage this natural domestic superiority might render them to compete equally with men at work.” Sounds… Read more »
1. “Saying that someone does something better than someone else doesn’t necessarily disparage the second person” It does when you say that is based on gender. Just look at the comments on your Facebook page around this post. I know you don’t control those posters, but you have to see the way you advertised it along with the blog post encourages disparaging other people. 3. The fact that you don’t think they are the same is a problem. Common non discrimination policies include gender. Why would you think it would be any different if I, based on my experience, over… Read more »
Catherine you might want to check out the research done by the Boston College Center for the Family in their study, “The New Dad: Caring, Committed, Conflicted” http://www.bc.edu/content/dam/files/centers/cwf/pdf/FH-Study-Web-2.pdf Among many other things it points out that while maternity leave might not be all we would hope, as you point out, paternity leave it pretty much none existant. In addition the law with regards to father’s rights are very skewed. I honestly appreciate your willingness to come onto our site and explain your point of view and how that fits in with Babble. In the end its the discussion that is… Read more »
The silly, biased, generalized title of that study, “The New Dad: Caring, Committed, Conflicted” shows that it’s agenda-driven and not to be taken seriously. No credible academic would ever title a study like that.
WTF indeed I read I the cuddle article(NY Mag) and found nothing to comment about – makes sense to me. As for the list Babble is just babbling mindlessly – the 10 things they list are human traits – gender neutral applicable to a functioning human. Given that in my family the rule was if it was hungry feed it, if it cried, was lonely, grumpy/fussy hug it, sleepy provide a place to sleep, wet change it or dry it, and if it was broken fix it this list is meaningless.
Catherine thanks for the response though it brings up more questions than answers. Here they are: 1) So does Babble take no responsibility for publishing such a male/dad hating piece? 2) Will this blogger be fired? 3) Would the answer to #1 and #2 be different if the blogger made similarly disparaging remarks about a race or a religion? 4) “I happen to agree that there are some things that moms, in general, do better than dads, and some things that dads, in general, do better than moms”. Given that you are commenting on our site based on a piece… Read more »
“Will this blogger be fired?”
Seriously? How do you get fired from blogging? This piece isn’t anywhere near as horrifically offensive as the piece that argues that ALL men are obsessed with violence. If it’s possible to fire a blogger, THAT guy needs to be fired.
For what it’s worth, this wasn’t a “Babble list’ – when people think of Babble lists, they usually think of the top blog lists and the like – this was a post by a blogger, and it was entirely his own opinion, based very clearly on his personal experience. We employ over a hundred bloggers, who post at will, and state very clearly in our community guidelines that we embrace a diversity of opinions and welcome, for the most part, all comers. Which is to say, no one blogger’s perspective can or should be said to be Babble’s own. (For… Read more »
Nah I think yours beat mine and a bunch others in. But there definitely was a huge eruption. Sad thing is, guy seems like an actually really great dad/dude. Just a bad word choice. If only he had said “Ten things my wife is better than me at.”
They’re getting kind of thrashed on it too. That post has spawned like 15 posts against it.
well I guess this is 16 then…
Was it deleted, I see nothing?
The way Babble promoted it on Facebook was almost as bad.
“Finish this sentence. The one thing that mothers do better than fathers is ___________. (Then see what this dad said!)”
It started a long reply of moms dad bashing.
yup saw that. just didn’t have room in my exploding brain to include.
The only thing moms can do better than dad is breastfeed and give birth, this is only due to the way our bodies are built. You’re absolutely right when you say “Moms are not better. Dads are not better. There is a wide spectrum of parenting and roles, many that have nothing to do with gender.” There were several things my former spouse was better at with the kids, including caring for them and relating to them on their level. I don’t know if you took the time to read the comments but there’s an alleged follow up planned for… Read more »
I have watched my three kids being born and I will give women props on that aspect of biology all day long. It is a miracle.
I thought the breastfeeding chest from meet the fockers,etc was pretty nifty:P
The Babble list is insulting to men and a regressive view of women at the same time.
So, according to this list, it’s best if men generally stay away from childcare and let women do it. I mean, if you want the best care for kids, that means that women need to stay at home more than men do. What looks like a self-congratulatory list for women is actually a push back into traditional roles. Be careful, ladies. If you want more opportunities outside of being a homemaker, this list is not your friend….
I think it’s BS is what I think. But it sure will stir up the pot.