Bob Schwenkler admits he cries… a lot. And he thinks that the range of emotions available to men is astounding.
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I talked to a counselor this week, and he told me that 80% of his male clients cry at some point during their time together. When he asks them when the last time they cried was he said that 80% of these men say that it had not been since childhood.
There are powerful forces at work in our body. Forces that can, and have, changed the course of relationships, companies, countries, and the world.
When these incredible forces are locked up and shut down they will grow bitter and stagnant and they WILL find a way to come out and if they don’t they WILL kill the person they’re trapped within. Men commit 90% of murders. Suicide rates among men in the US are between 4 to 10 times the rate among women.
But we don’t need statistics to prove what we already know… That men are human animals, more of less the same as any other, who need to express themselves just as fully as the rest.
What’s available to men is astounding: Joy, rage, peace, confusion, embarrassment, sadness, ecstasy, fear, wonder.
♦◊♦
I cry. A lot. It means I’m strong. It means I’ve got the desire to connect with myself, deeply. To feel fully. To lean into every facet of my experience. To be a mirror and role model for every other (hu)man in my life, including you.
I feel, deeply. I do it firstly for myself. To honor this wonderful collection of bones, blood, and soul that make up my human body.
The amazing thing is though, that the more fully I serve myself in this way the the more fully I can be in service to others.
So, it’s a funny question that I ponder at times. Am I serving myself? Or am I serving you? Or are we both the same and there’s no distinction to be drawn in whom is serving whom?
I don’t ponder it for too long though, it doesn’t really matter. After a few moments in thought I inevitably find myself leaning back into my experience. My focus comes back around to all the living, breathing, feeling, connecting, and crying I’ve got to do.
And I’ve got a lot to do, let me tell you. This is what life is. At least for me, on this day it is.
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Originally appeared on BobSchwenkler.com
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Photo: Flickr/Asja Boroš
I was diagnosed with cancer 12 days ago. I didn’t want my boys (12&15) to see me cry because I didn’t want to scare them. How stupid is that? I have cancer and they are going to be terrified. Of course I cried. We all did. I don’t mean to support this social expectation of male toughness, but I have. My boys can only remember seeing me cry once when my dog died. But I cry often, and I feel deeply. I cried when my first cut his first tooth. I cried when my youngest told me I wouldn’t die.… Read more »
Ken, it’s not stupid! You weren’t exactly given a choice growing up, were you? “Sweetie, you’re young still but we think it’s time you knew something about the world. You have a decision you’re going to have to make and the best we can do is inform you. The choice will be yours to make.” “One choice is to let the tears come when you feel them coming, to let your emotions out. You’ll feel better each time you do it and it will heal you. Or you can follow the social conditioning you’ll encounter as you continue to grow… Read more »
Thank you Bob. Raising boys is tricky. I certainly was taught the man code, and crying was not ok. I wasn’t even allowed to kiss my dad good night once I became a first grader. I had to man up early, and it’s always been an inner conflict. I can be the tough guy, but it never feels right. I’ve worked hard to drop ego, listen, not react. I’m such a new man today from what I was in my 20s. It takes a lot more bravery to be vulnerable and and honest and cry than it does to bottle… Read more »
BRAVO!, Bob Schwenkler.
A new fan and neighbor in healing…
~AE
Thanks for the kind words Annah.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Great comment Mistress. Great article
Thank you.
Be human, first and foremost. And, did you know that there are certain toxins that can ONLY be released through tears? Crying is good for the heart, mind, body & spirit. Real men take care of themselves. A good cry is part of that regimen.
Didi, that’s fascinating. I’m not totally surprised to know, our bodies are amazing, but I’d never heard that before. Thanks!