Dale Vaughn would like to take a moment to make a statement on behalf of men everywhere. Good men, gentlemen, Renaissance men are not a myth from some long lost idyllic bygone era. They are everywhere.
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Okay ladies, how many of you have ever heard yourselves say something like this, “where are all the gentlemen in the world?”
I know a lot of wise women from all age brackets who have lamented the loss of an era of sophisticated, respectful, powerful, well-mannered men… and I have known some women who, out of anger or frustration or trauma, blame the whole of mankind for an apparent lack of awareness and depth in the male sex. I’d like to mount a quick, anecdotal defense of my sex, and hopefully provide a speck of hope for any women who share these feelings. Guys, I need you to back me up by being the awesome men you know you can be.
Let me start by saying this: I hear these lamentations and your concern is reasonable and deep. There can be no doubt, the world desperately needs more good men to stand up and be accounted. Having said that, I think there are millions of good men out there today. I am convinced there are men all around us who choose to represent a mature, kingly masculinity.
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I know there are good men all around the globe who treat women with respect, and who have seen their sexual fulfillment and relational empowerment grow proportionately with their understanding and appetite for mature femininity.
I have witnessed men who righteously defend the weak, lead with dignity, and openly show the depths of their love for their sons and daughters.
I have heard stories from men who still seek adventure in the world’s peaks and valleys—explorers who continue to find new frontiers in the world and in themselves.
I have felt the power of a room full of highly honed intellectuals pouring through the clutter of truth and mystery with the unconscious hope of glimpsing something like God… and consequently becoming better men.
I have known young men who sought the counsel and initiation of respected elders; and I have known experienced men who accepted the privilege and responsibility of mentoring young men, building a modern masculinity from the foundation of ancient manhood.
I have read about good men throughout the ages, their honorable imprints left behind in legend and literature for me to piece together and distill into palpable lessons in life and living.
I have contemplated in stillness, I have run in the race, I have been purposefully alone and powerfully teamed with peers. I have given and received the gift of wise counsel… and I know I have only experienced a tiny fraction of the world’s best experiences.
These men exist. Good men. Gentlemen. Renaissance Men. They are not a myth from some long lost idyllic bygone era. I would argue that there have never been more good men in the world than there are now.
So if you are a Renaissance Man, a balanced man, a gentleman, a good man… stand up and find your pack. And if you are looking for a good man in your life, ladies, you gotta hang out where the good men are.
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Photo by Miss Turner / flickr
I agree with you dale
yes gentlemen still exist but are slowly going extinct due to the lack of out abilities as men like automatic doors women that had a hurtful experience and think that all men are the same or people in general wanting men to change there way of thinking due to change in the world i’m a gentleman myself and its hard out there trying to find a woman that still wants a gentleman cause not all men just want sex some men just want someone to talk to or someone to help them get to there vision in life so I… Read more »
I know a lot of good men exist. I can think of a bunch right off the top of my head. But at my worst times it can be discouraging because sometimes it appears or feels like I have to be a certain measure of hottness before those good men come forward. When I was in better shape, men were visably more kinder toward me. Now it’s just like I blend into the wood work. Does that mean that men stopped being good? No, of coures not. But it does mean that how men decide to show their goodness is… Read more »
That’s a double edge sword Erin.
Oftentimes unless a guy looks a certain way, has a certain amount of status, or has some other form of attention grabbing trait his good deeds will go unnoticed.
I think this is the issue: if a woman only notices a man’s actions because of how he looks, then that says something bad about HER, not about women in general or the futility of being a decent guy. I think that guys who are only nice to women if they think they’re hot, those guys AREN’T really nice. Guys like how I look more than they used to, and so there are a lot more guys being nice. But plenty of guys are always nice, and those are the truly nice ones. I don’t think how you treat a… Read more »
Yes, Erin,
And it is equally discouraging for me every time a woman determines the intent and/or result of any action I take by the quality or attractiveness of me as a man.
This article was about how Gentlemen still existed. I simply recounted my own experiences with “gentlemanly” men or the lack of “gentlemanly” men as evaluted by them for my looks. I made no comments about what women are or aren’t capable of themselves. If you want to hear me out and understand in relation to this article, great. If not, I can’t do much about that. I think my comments where fair to my experiences and to the topic.
But if a woman determines the quality of your actions based on your attractiveness, then she’s not a quality person herself. A guy is nice, a guy is nice.
Dale I must admit that ever since the days of Iron John I have developed a healthy skepticism of men’s groups. With the emergence of MRA’s groups that skepticism has hardened.I find that the backbone of these organizations are made of culturally provincial mores and values.In my mind,these values and mores are a part of the problem.They represent the dirty bath water, not the baby.We represent 5% of the worlds population and far,far,far less than that of the world’s history.How much could we know about these issues?Yet we act as if our ideas are suitable for everyone.I am afraid that… Read more »
OGwriter: I honor and share your healthy skepticism of the majority of the men’s groups founded through the mythopoetic movement. I’ve been to more than a few that became entangled with arrested pubescent angst; but I must acknowledge their relevance to helping many men engage in the process of becoming independently wise… and a big part of that process comes from learning our paradoxical insignificance through group roles. We have to heal ourselves together and have these conversations. We cannot become free men until we define the post-industrial slavery from which we were borne. Baby steps, baby steps. It sounds… Read more »
Awesome, Dale. Agree with ogwriter’s point: “It feels illogical and so doomed to failure to pursue such an elusive goal of molding one’s character to suit someone else’s agenda.” To me, this means getting yourself “together” by choosing your governing values as a man and a person. These ARE different. A man can choose to NOT acknowledge that his thoughts, words, and actions toward others have a distinctly masculine energy and impact. This choice often results in him complaining about the reactions of others toward him. Gender equality is a right – but gender “sameness” is a fantasy. Agreed, decide… Read more »
“I know a lot of wise women from all age brackets who have lamented the loss of an era of sophisticated, respectful, powerful, well-mannered men… and I have known some women who, out of anger or frustration or trauma, blame the whole of mankind for an apparent lack of awareness and depth in the male sex.” I’m not sure how sophistication factors into it. I like music. Why must I like classical music to appreciate music? The same with any other art form. If you want to salsa dance, you need salsa music. I don’t see that as inferior to… Read more »
Hell yes for the gentlemen!
Agreed.
On one hand I kinda don’t want to hold anything against such frustrated women considering how men are portrayed in the media (both in fictional accounts and in real world accounts). However on the other I can’t help but notice how this frustration among women mirrors similar frustrations among men, many of whom embody the very traits you point out here.
Thank you for your comment. I understand the heart of what you’re saying and I agree that being a man of quality doesn’t mean accepting fanfare or being admired for his actions. We are all in our own steps of our self-awareness processes, and I challenge the men in my men’s groups to accept and love each other for our intrinsic goodness. So on this point, we agree completely and I’m glad you addressed it. However, I don’t think there’s anything inflexible about the ideal traits I’ve set forth in this quick article: Desire for the mature feminine, open show… Read more »
Hi Dale.I certainly don’t question your sincerity.Nonetheless,I naturally flinch when I hear calls for men to be gentlemen and or to live up to someone’s else’s standard of goodness. You must concede that the term “gentlmen” is loaded with all sorts of unilaterally authored contradictory expectations. These rules are imposed. Attempting to follow such a path is confining and isn’t being true to oneself. Your post covered much ground and in my mind pleasing women was a central theme.Goodness is contextual,situational and culturally specific. Interwoven into Western culture, is the constant drumbeat of demands by women of men to be… Read more »
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I like your desire for clarity. It sounds as though your main concern is one of authenticity. I agree that men ought to create their own concepts of “goodness” without external demands – be it women, other men, or societal standards. I do, however, think there is good information to gather from self-realized women, from other self-actualized men, and from aspects of the archetypal “ideal” – the gentleman or Renaissance man in this case. That’s part of why I insist on having a good group of guys, to get help from other men who… Read more »
Dear lord,not another call to be a white knight. Most men have moved on from that role and good riddance too. It was a stifling role that lacked authenticity,flexibility and created unreal expectations for women about men.Men shouldn’t have to jump through these artificial hoops to be accepted or admired.In fact,men queitly do good works without fanfare all the time.Being a goodman or being a good person are the same things.
I’m not sure I read this the same way that you did.
To me this reads not as “Ladies we are doing the things you expect of us so come and love us.” but more “All that stuff you complain about men not doing? Yeah a lot of us actually are.” I personally would add a bit more to the end of that to say, “All that stuff you complain about men not doing? Yeah a lot of us actually are. It’s just that we aren’t doing it for YOUR sakes but for the sakes of others.”
Umm…aren’t we also “others”. Or are you saying that men are purposely not doing these things for women and are only doing them for other men? Is that what you mean by “others”? I am so confused by that statement.
I actually think most women love to see men treat others with respect. They just want to be included in that treatment. I also think women are perfectly happy with men doing these things for “others” for actual other people as well as themselves. Because when we treat others with respect, we also honor ourselves.
Umm…aren’t we also “others”. Or are you saying that men are purposely not doing these things for women and are only doing them for other men? Is that what you mean by “others”? I am so confused by that statement. By that remark I meant that men are doing those things but are not doing it for the sake of winning favor and notice from those that think we aren’t doing them. I’m talking about the people that seem to do nothing but go on and on about how men are doing right, we’re all losers, and so forth. AKA… Read more »
wow, I see there are a lot of people posting that are not part of this pack, or ever understand what it is.
Dear lord,not another call to be a white knight. Most men have moved on from that role and good riddance too. It was a stifling role that lacked authenticity,flexibility and created unreal expectations for women about men.Men shouldn’t have to jump through these artificial hoops to be accepted or admired.In fact,men queitly do good works without fanfare all the time.
Hi Ogwriter It is true as you say: “In fact,men queitly do good works without fanfare all the time.Being a goodman or being a good person are the same things.” Dale Thomas Vaughn is a ten-year veteran leader of men’s workshops and founder of NextGent.com – home of the award-winning Los Angeles area men’s group. I am sure many men will benefit from participation in men’s groups. And who say men’s groups are groups where men meet to learn how to be dominated by women , and “please” women? The negatively that raises it head on GMP if a man… Read more »