Despite the recent hype that marriage isn’t for you, it actually is. Here’s why.
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I’m sure by now you’ve read the viral post by Seth Adam Smith about Marriage Isn’t for You. In the article he states “True marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love — their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?” while Love asks, “What can I give?” As the editor of the Marriage section, I debated re-posting it here. But in my better judgment I decided against it because as a marriage counselor I wholeheartedly and fundamentally disagree with it. Here’s why:
Why I Disagree That Marriage Isn’t For You
1) It’s a completely false notion that to be happy in your marriage all you have to do is make your spouse happy. This assumes two things that are not physically possible: 1) that there’s some magic button you can push that can somehow “make” someone be happy. And 2) it assumes that by someone else being happy, it pushes another magic button that somehow makes you happy. The fact of the matter is, no such magic buttons exist. No matter how much you try to “make” your spouse be happy that’s just simply not within your control. And even when your spouse is happy, that doesn’t mean you will be. As one author recently wrote, that’s why the phrase “happy wife, happy life” is erroneous.
2) Focusing solely on your spouse’s happiness – without regard to your own – leaves you wide open to being bulldozed. As a marriage counselor, I have seen so many spouses who are so wrapped up in making their spouse happy that they don’t recognize that they’re being bulldozed. Sure, focusing on your spouse makes sure they’re being pampered, and they may be happy as a clam, but it’s at an expense that’s harmful to you – which is ultimately harmful to the relationship, too. It’s like the characters in the Eminem and Rihana song Love the Way You Lie. They think that if they can only keep their spouse happy, their marriage (and themselves) will be happy, too – despite how toxic the rest of the relationship is (in the song there’s domestic violence occurring).
3) Another reason I have to fundamentally disagree with this article is because I have seen spouses on the receiving end who are being pampered but are feeling smothered, suffocated and end up feeling claustrophobic because of it. I know what you’re thinking. Who wouldn’t want a spouse who bends over backwards for them, right? Trust me you really don’t.
Think back to middle school when you had that boy/girlfriend who told you they loved you all the time and would say things like “I know you don’t love me as much I love you, but I’m just happy that you love me at all”. Then they’d write notes to you every period and call you every day – just to make you happy. After so long it just got exhausting. So you broke up with them. And your boy/girlfriend probably went berserk saying things like “what did I do wrong, just give me another chance. I’ll change, I’ll change”. Sure, the pampering was nice for a while. But you broke up with them because you eventually felt suffocated.
Instead of thinking that marriage is supposed to be just for your spouse, a more balanced approach is much better. You are a person. You have wants, feelings, needs and desires, too. As a person, it’s your right to have these needs and wants met in a relationship. If you’re not having them met, the solution isn’t to love your spouse even more in hopes that this will push a magic button that suddenly “makes” you happy. After so long of “making” your spouse happy you’ll find that the magic button isn’t working because you’re still not happy. And you’re not happy because you’re needs aren’t being met. So instead of focusing even more on your spouse, be assertive. Be confident. Make your wants and needs known. Be willing to meet your spouse’s needs but make sure that you’re also getting yours met.
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It Takes Two Whole People To Create a Whole Relationship. If One of You Is Not Contributing Wholly, You’re Creating a Fraction of a Relationship.
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I share a mathematical principle with clients that relates well to couples. It is that 1 x 1/2 = 1/2. What I mean by this is that it takes two whole people to create a whole relationship. If one of you is not contributing wholly to the relationship, you’re creating a fraction of a relationship. And if you’re pampering your spouse with little regard to yourself you’re not being an emotionally whole contributor. You’re also not giving your spouse the opportunity to be a whole contributor to the relationship, either. And as a result, your relationship suffers – despite your good intentions.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s a romantic idea to love your spouse no matter what the cost to you is. And to some extent I wish a lot more people knew how to selflessly love another. I can see Seth Adam Smith’s point that a lot of times marital problems occur because you’re thinking too much about yourself and expecting your spouse to do all the work. But in our age of marital fairy tales where one spouse can somehow unilaterally create their spouse’s happiness, I think the article is only perpetuating a perceived notion that’s already damaging marriages.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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I would never say that marriage is for everyone. That’s just simply not true. Instead, what I would say is this: Your marriage will be what you and your spouse make of it. You and your spouse can create just about any kind of relationship you want. If you see another couple completely unhappy in their marriage, bear in mind that if you get married there’s nothing that says your relationship will be just like theirs. If you see a marriage that’s not right for you, maybe it’s just that KIND of marriage that’s not right for you, and another… Read more »
Marriage isn’t about me or my spouse. Marriage is all about US TOGETHER. If he thinks of me and I think of him we will meet in the middle.
Don’t forget about yourself ALL the time but from experience, you truly are a happier person when 80% of the time you are focused on others. Thank you for both articles because life can’t be lived on only one of the articles. Both need each other in order to get it right.
It take 2-people to make a marriage great and only 1-person to ruin that same marriage. A successful marriage is about the commitment to each other’s requests, goals, dreams, and creating an “us” that is confident, strong, and loving. There should also always be the element of fun as well as respect.
I can’t agree with you more enthusiastically. My marriage was so wonderful that I have PTSD! I tried leaving a career that I loved to work in factory jobs I hated and nothing worked. After we separated I finally admitted that I should have gotten the marriage anulled after a few months when things started being revealed.
I’m not saying that it was just not working I’m saying I should have run screaming into the night to get away from an insane wife.
Now i wish I could talk to my son that she programed to hate me.
THANK YOU!!!! I actually made nearly-identical points in a Facebook post when that blog started making the rounds. I live in Utah–Happy Mormon land. It’s where Seth lives. I know several people who know him personally. I got a huge beat down by his friends for critiquing the blog post similarly, and for how “simplified” it was. I acknowledged the sweetness that was at the center of the post’s intentions–but felt that, overall, it was actually quite a harmful post for people in those relationships where they get “bulldozed” (as you put it). I appreciate this blog in response, because… Read more »
In the original piece, I didn’t see anything about pampering one’s spouse, nor does the author say that in giving your all to your partner, you will be happy. The truth is, we are inherently selfish, and in focusing on our partner’s needs, we will get closer to “contributing wholly” to the relationship. I’m not sure if the couples you see in your occupation have impacted your negative view of this message, but in my experience, a spouse has an immense impact on their partner’s happiness. Obviously there is no “magic button” you mentioned repeatedly and no one has control… Read more »
As a guy who has been married for almost 39 years now, I’m of the school that my relationship with my wife is built on our placing the other first. There seems to be a confusion that if we do this, we are giving up who we are as individuals and if you think that, you couldn’t be more wrong. I have my own personality, feelings, dreams, wants, goals and I’ve not sacrificed any of it. I’ve simply aligned all of it to fit into my marriage. We also give each other our own space. I have drastically different interests… Read more »
The previous blog post was a heartfelt, poetic piece, whereas this is a response that feels almost spiteful and to the point, notably the wrong point.
I find myself wanting to agree more with this article than the other, but in my heart I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s nice to think it should be more about me, but experience has taught me that truly the happiest parts of my life have been when I’ve lived in service of others. For Christians, the call is not only to love our spouse selflessly, but to love all men as Christ loves us, which is perfectly and unconditionally. He lived a perfect life of service and from his example we see that selfless love doesn’t push… Read more »
I think you missed the point of his blog post. Our society has become largely built on the notion that everything has to be about your self. Does it make me happy? What’s in it for me? He said he was the one being the 1/2 (taken from your mathematical equation). While his wife was focusing on the person she loved, he was focusing on himself. He realized that he needed to be more selfless and took the appropriate steps. This is his story, not everyones. This works for him and a lot of us can learn from it. There… Read more »
Thank you. I saw (mostly single) people oohing and aahing over the Marriage Isn’t For Me piece on Facebook, and so I read it, and I thought it was one of the dumbest things I’d ever read. Sure, there’s a lot to be said for learning how to listen to and appreciate your spouse and consider things from her point of view, etc. (these aren’t exactly new ideas). But that piece went way beyond those good points to saying marriage isn’t supposed to make you happy, only your partner. Crazy! Does that guy approach sex the same way? Sometimes I… Read more »
(I’m only posting this as a reply because the page isn’t allowing me to post this as my own comment) I find myself wanting to agree more with this article than the other, but in my heart I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s nice to think it should be more about me, but experience has taught me that truly the happiest parts of my life have been when I’ve lived in service of others. For Christians, the call is not only to love our spouse selflessly, but to love all men as Christ loves us, which is perfectly… Read more »
I’ve read Seth’s article and generally agree with all that you’re saying here, Aaron. I also see where Seth is coming from when he says “Marriage Isn’t for You.” You’re right, it’s a warning against selfishness. The desire to pursue pleasure is human nature and my experience has shown that humans naturally sway towards seeking happiness. We seek and return to experiences that are reinforcing in some way. Speaking in terms of a relationship, if this natural tendency to seek happiness is unrestrained I am sure you can see how it might cause damage. I believe Seth’s overall point was… Read more »
Can we just agree that marriage is about US? Most people here seem to be arguing one way or the other, as if the two articles are separate issues. They really aren’t. Aaron focused on one side of the issue while Seth focused on the other. I’ve been bulldozed and smothered and I’ll say that Aaron’s statements are very real. And so are Seth’s – I’ve been there as well. Truth is, I think most people are hating on Aaron and loving on Seth because Seth’s article is more altruistic while Aaron’s article focuses on the reality of the situation,… Read more »
I am getting married in 48 days, and this EXACTLY what I was thinking. I didn’t totally agree with either article for the very reason you just said. We need someone to write a viral article about how you must have balance in every relationship, and in marriage relationship more than any other. Thank you!
I agree. A happy marriage is about balance. It is like the phrase “it takes two to tango.” I was in a marriage where I felt like it was all about her. I kept getting told that I needed to quit thinking about myself and focus on my wife. It eventually ended in divorce because there was an imbalance between her and me.
How about this? Marriage isn’t about overly generalized one-liners. I am not married, I am not even dating, but even I know that when you live your life according to one-liners and over-simplification of complex issues, you end up with problems. Saying marriage is not about you is overly simplified, but so is saying it IS about you.
AARON, I originally read your article and to be honest it was a source of surprise you would take Seth Adam Smith’s @SethAdamSmith article the way you did. I can see the frustration I had was misplaced, for that I forgive myself and apologize to you. However, playing the Social Network game, is a bit tricky. Finding a good viral storm to attach your work to is just helpful to your work, right!?! Wrong, it is a shame opening your message by taking advantage of and hitching your work to a viral storm’s wagon. You are more creative then this,… Read more »
http://spacebetweenll.blogspot.com/2013/11/marriage-is-about-us.html#comment-form
Yes, Marriage is partly about US, the part that exists between the partners, but it is also about each individuals. As Terry Hargrave says, love in marriage or other committed relationships is not so much about one individual or the other, nor is it about both individuals forming an us. It is not about two becoming one, but instead about two becoming three. In a healthy relationship, there is you, me, and us. If we see relationships as just for me, or just for you, then we are too selfish. If we see marriage and relationships just about “us” then… Read more »
I’ll chime in here as a family therapist myself (North Carolina). I’d say that we can take a lot from the contextual and restoration therapy approaches that can help us with reconciling these two articles. I agree with the both/and sort of argument, but I’ll take it one step further. Love is not about what we do for others nor is it about what we can gain for ourselves – love is actually about the establishing of a self-identity. Trust, on the other hand, IS about what we can get for ourselves and what we can do for others. Trust… Read more »
Nicely said!
I think there are good and bad things from both articles. There is generally one thing that gets in the way of a healthy marraige: SELF You see, when my wife and I got married we came into a covenant/agreement that our lives were no longer our own. There is a pre-set that I no longer live for myself, and she has the same pre-set. Therefore, we have individual goals and aspirations that we support each other on, but also have things we would like to accomplish together as a team. For example, we know we want to serve God… Read more »
I respect that you are voicing you’re opinion but I agree with fellow commenter, Vaughan G. when he said that it seems you have fallen into an either/or debate vs. a both/and. Certainly not all of your words are false or unrealistic from your experiences with marriage counseling… but the points that you are trying to make do not align with the logic in the article “Marriage Isn’t for You.” The author, Seth Adam Smith, never once says “to be happy in your marriage ALL you have to do is make your spouse happy.” He never mentions any magic buttons… Read more »
Holly, You said what I was thinking better than I could have said it myself. Thank you.
Aaron, you need to see what Seth was getting at. His entire point was that the only way for us to be happy is by serving others. It makes them happy, which in turn makes us happy. Try being of service to your wife sometime – no questions asked. Then I’ll think you’ll really understand what he meant.
Shame on you for making it a debate. The need for people to put others down and “disagree” with everything other people are saying is outrageous.
I must disagree Ashley. There are “emotional vampires” out there that are black holes of unhappiness and can suck the life out of you if you dedicate yourself to “serving them”. Aaron makes a good point that you must be fully met by your partner or resentment rather than happiness will occur. Aaron makes a good point that it must be a win-win proposition or the “math” will not work. Your shaming Aaron and disagreeing with him makes your final statement very revealing of your lack of personal integrity rather than Aaron’s.
Most of the people disagreeing with Seth’s original article have tried to justify an argument by saying that it’s unrealistic, fluffy, unbalanced and unhealthy. What you fail to realize IS an article that is encouraging that very balance and health marriage requires to be successful. It IS an article for the so called “emotional vampires” on the taking side. It’s a reminder, if not wake-up call, to those spouses who are not loving and/or giving equally. Seth pretty much admits that he himself was THAT person and that is why this article has earned it deserved respect and appreciation! He… Read more »
There’s another important human truth here, that the original article gets entirely wrong: We know enough about ALTRUISM, from a psychological perspective, to be able to say that even the most altruistic among us are doing whatever we are doing FOR OURSELVES, and not really for others. The idea that we can ever eliminate egotism from the equation of our inter-relationship behavior is a false one. Someone might say: But what about a parent’s selfless sacrifice on behalf of his or her children? The answer is pretty simple: If parental love was actually SELFLESS, therapists would be out of business.… Read more »
I would add that Jesus was also not egoless. But this is what he said about what makes him happy: this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.
Last year my husband and I were visiting a marriage counselor to help us have a “happy relationship”. During a visit I realized that my happiness, weather I’m married or single, is my choice. I choose to be, or not be, happy. No one person is solely responsible for my happiness but me. Any happiness I feel from my husband is just icing on the proverbial cake. And the same works for his happiness. As a wife, I cannot make his choice to be happy. I can add to it but the ultimate choice to be happy is his. This… Read more »
Hi Ruth,
Do you think it is possible for your spouses thoughts, words, and actions toward you to make you UNhappy?
It’s not a trick question…I agree with your realization. However, becoming “unhappy” with how you are treated implies that they are capable of at least stopping the “unhappy” behavior….possibly even doing and saying things that cause feelings of attraction, contentment, or even happiness.
What do you think?
I think you’re not looking at what Seth is saying completely. You’re looking at it as if only 1 person in the relationship is viewing marriage as “not for you”. If both people make marriage about the other person, then won’t both be happy? Yes someone who constantly dotes on the other person in smothering ways will get old fast but I feel like if you’re getting married and are actually right for each other, you know what makes each other feel loved and not smothered. 5 love languages anyone? If you know the way they feel loved, they’re not… Read more »
I’m going to toss out an idea and say that both Seth and Aaron are right. As crazy as that sounds, go back and read both articles back to back. Seth tells you to love your spouse unselfishly, that the marriage isn’t about you, it’s about living for your partner. Then Aaron reminds us that while we are to love unselfishly, we shouldn’t also forget about ourselves. Someone else cannot truly make a person happy, true happiness comes from within. A marriage should be with someone that sees this inner light and enhances it with their own. As Shakespeare wrote… Read more »
Its a blend of both articles. Is marriage all about getting MY needs met? No. Is it all about ME meeting all my spouses needs? No. Is it about a mutual understanding that BOTH need their needs met by their spouse? Yes! Couples today enter a marriage EXPECTING the spouse to meet THEIR needs and that will kill the relationship faster than you can look up a divorce lawyer online. Both need to be communicating, sharing their needs, and hopefully, their spouse loves them enough to want to help them meet those needs. A pastor once said that if both… Read more »
Totally agree with you, Ron. Authors sometimes purposely take contrary positions to popular ideas to attract our attention and readership. Aaron’s article covered the “opposing view” well and gave sound advice for very wise reasons. Combining the two as you suggest gets to the balance needed. As we all know, achieving the perfect balance is much easier said than done. That’s why I think both partners better be primed and ready to treat the marriage as 100%/100%….not any of that 50%/50% crap. The reality is that there WILL be MANY times where one partner will need to give more than… Read more »
Steve, I like your point..100%/100%….not any of that 50%/50% crap… I’ve always wondered about the fact.. If we all only gave 50% of ourselves.. what are we doing with our other 50%??? Seems to me the back door was left open for those people.. I give 100% of myself in my relationships.. I will go above and beyond for my partner just to see him happy… I can never make him happy.. but to see him smile when he finds a note hidden, makes my day…. I’m blessed I’ve met a partner who would do the same… thats why marriage… Read more »
Beautiful point, Ron.
I agree with Aaron. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to make men like me by pampering/smothering them, thinking it would keep me from getting rejected. Actually it got me abused because people treated me with as little respect as I gave myself. My fiancee even now tells me to stand up for myself more and not worry about him so much! I often think I’m ‘being Christian’ by being selfless, but God doesn’t call us to destroy ourselves for others. What He created in US is beautiful, wonderful, and worthy of nurture also. I know what Seth was… Read more »