Your destiny is to be the man you choose to be.
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I have found that the hardest thing to forgive myself for is being a man in today’s society. Let me explain.
I was constantly receiving the message that men were highly sexual and aggressive. It was up to me to be different.
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Many of us men grew up with our mothers being our primary caretaker. We also were taught from grade school through college by female teachers. Many of us lacked guidance from men in our lives.
In one of my college classes on family violence, the professor talked endlessly about how men abuse and/or rape. The professor would bring up statistics about the rates of violence and rape. One day after class, I jokingly said to a peer, “Seems like this professor thinks that 50% of men abuse and 50% of men rape. Which one are we?”
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I was constantly receiving the message that men were highly sexual and aggressive. It was up to me to be different. I needed to be nice and passive in order to not be the highly sexual and aggressive man.
In my family, men were seen as hurtful abandoners because that’s what my father did and who he was. Men only cared about themselves. Although this was not a direct message from my mother, it was an indirect message: I was not to be like my father. Maybe you can relate.
According to many, men are the cause of many problems we face in society. Men become guilty by association.
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I heard the message loud and clear: because I was born a man, this was my destiny. The only way to change that destiny was to be the complete opposite.
Men hear messages like this all the time. According to many, men are the cause of many problems we face in society. Men become guilty by association. We are guilty of the behaviors of other men because we are also men.
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I carried these messages with me for years. I developed many fears around being seen as a sexual man or as an aggressive man. I began to hate those parts of myself. I became disconnected with them.
The fears associated with the messages I carried about being a man hindered me from many things in life. For example, I began to fear showing interest in women. I thought that if I showed interest in a woman, it would be seen as sexual and that was “bad”.
I also found it difficult to be assertive about my opinions and beliefs because in my mind that would be too aggressive. I did not want to be seen as aggressive so I refused to assert my opinions or beliefs.
Standing up for my convictions does not make me aggressive. Showing interest in a woman does not make me a rapist.
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I allowed myself to be governed by my fears associated with being a man. At the core of my thoughts, being a man was pure evil.
Tirelessly, I worked to be the polar opposite of what I was told and shown a man is.
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It was not until the last few years that I have begun to show forgiveness and self-compassion towards myself for being a man. It has been a long process and is continuing to this day.
One of the biggest steps I have taken is to alter my black and white thinking–that men are either completely aggressive or completely passive.
I have been able to reconnect with my assertive, non-aggressive self. I’ve begun to accept my sexual feelings. I have had to counter my past beliefs with new messages: Standing up for my convictions does not make me aggressive. Showing interest in a woman does not make me a rapist.
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I have held these beliefs for so long that forgiveness is a process. It takes time and healing to change my patterns of thought about who I am as a man and what kind of man I will become. What I must do is every day challenge my past belief system to recreate a strong, more positive belief. I am working to become a man that has equal positive traits from both the aggressive man and the passive man. I’m striving to be a balanced man.
It helps when I tell myself regularly, “I am not destined to be the man that others are telling me I will be. I am destined to be the man that I choose to be.” Try it. Maybe it will help you, too.
Photo: Pexels.com
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Right on, John! There certainly could be a lot of influences going around as to how a man should “be” a man–sometimes they’re just utter machismo, sometimes they’re really nice to hear we wouldn’t easily know which is which.
The bottom line to me, as I presume you also imply, is we, as men, should just simply be who we want to be–as long as we don’t hurt–in any way–other people.
Thanks.
Ethan you are exactly right. Thank you for the comment and read. Keep at it brother.
Excellent article! I really like how this came from a real place and addresses the current issues around masculinity. It inspires me to take a look at my own manhood and strive to create balance. Thanks for the great read!
Jeffery, thank you for the comment, encouragement, and read.