The place we often think to turn in difficult times might not be the best.
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Often, when we face adversity, we look for advice, compassion and support from people that have been through the same thing. Personally, as I have faced challenges in my career or personal struggles, my first reaction is to look for someone who has faced the same battle. That makes sense, right? But I read an article over the weekend that explained why my instinct—which is probably most people’s instinct—is wrong.
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The New York Times ran a story titled The Funny Thing About Adversity with a fascinating exploration of how people who have been through adversity view compassion. The main thesis was that people who have been through challenging times are more compassionate and giving than others that haven’t experienced as much. BUT, when it comes to people going through the same thing we have been through, we tend to be far less compassionate.
Experiencing adversity and challenges increases the likelihood of us being compassionate to others as they face adversity. Through the two studies performed by the authors, Daniel Lim and David DeSteno, this compassion lead to an increase in financial donations and an increase in time devoted to helping others.
The catch though, is that with hindsight, we tend to remember our trials and hardships as easier to handle than they likely were.
In an article recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the Kellogg School of Management professor Loran Nordgren and colleagues found that the human mind has a bit of a perverse glitch when it comes to remembering its own past hardships: It regularly makes them appear to be less distressing than they actually were.
As a result of this glitch, reflecting on your own past experience with a specific misfortune will very likely cause you to under-appreciate just how trying that exact challenge can be for someone else (or was, in fact, for you at the time). You overcame it, you think; so should he. The result? You lack compassion.
So, what does this mean?
First, because it is counterintuitive, we are likely to seek compassion and support from the people who are least likely to give it. It is natural to turn to someone that experienced the same types of things but if we are looking for compassionate, empathetic advice or feedback, this may not be the best choice.
Second, this doesn’t mean that people who have experienced the same thing we are faced with won’t be valuable. They certainly can provide great advice, but don’t expect a great deal of compassion.
Third, how do we respond to people looking for support? I wouldn’t have articulated this previously, but I recently noticed when someone reached out to me for advice after experiencing something I went through, my reaction was very cold and direct. While I felt bad for them and gave them the best advice I could, I was not very compassionate to their challenges.
It is natural to turn to someone that experienced the same types of things but if we are looking for compassionate, empathetic advice or feedback, this may not be the best choice.
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Fourth, how does this impact our relationships? This concept is fascinating to me, because I find myself interested in spending time with people that have been through similar experiences. That is human nature. But we have a very different reaction to people who have similar life experiences, in their past, and those who are facing them after we have already been through it.
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We all face different challenges in life and need all the help we can get to overcome. Understanding how people generally operate helps us get the support we need from the right place. Keeping in mind people with the same experience may be great resources, they also may not be the most compassionate.
If you want compassion, talk to someone who has not experienced the same thing you are dealing with; if you want advice, talk to someone who has experienced the same thing.
Photo—flickr.com/barkbud