As a White dad with a Biracial son, Alex Barnett wants to know, “How can you have an open and honest conversation about race if people can’t get beyond their own racism?”
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Not long ago, I was having dinner with a buddy of mine and a work colleague of his. Both men are very educated. Both are very progressive politically. Both are White. Ordinarily, their race wouldn’t matter, but it does for this story.
We were enjoying dinner and the conversation when my buddy started to say something racist. I knew this because as he got to the part of the story that involved Black people, he lowered his voice, looked around, and said: “You know, they’re Black.”
If you ever wanted to know whether racism still exists, that’s how you know – it’s the fact that there still are White people who will look around and whisper when they say “Black people.” It’s kind of the way people whisper when they say “cancer” or “death,” which kind of gives you a sense of how some White people feel about Black people.
Meantime, after my buddy whispered “Black” he looked at me and said, “I can’t talk about it. But Alex can. His wife’s Black. He gets a pass.”
A pass?!
Because I’m married to a Black woman I get a pass?! I can just say whatever racist sh*t I want, and then just pull out my pass, and everything’s fine? As if being married to a Black woman is the racial equivalent of having a PBA card that gets me out of speeding tickets? Or, is it more akin to being TSA pre-approved to go through airport security? I can just walk up to a bunch of Black people, and say: “Hey my N-Words!” and they’ll respond: “Hey Alex! What’s up?! Go on ahead. No problem.”
My buddy didn’t actually say anything racist. He said that Black people were Black. Which isn’t racist, except it is, because in his mind “Black” equals “N-Word.”
What’s even worse is that he said, “Alex gets a pass” with envy. Like he’s thinking, “You’re so lucky. You get to be racist out loud. I gotta be nice. I gotta treat those people with dignity as if they were regular people and not — you know, . . . [whispered inaudible racist remark].”
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After that, I had to sit there and act like nothing happened. Even though I’m looking at this guy who I thought was my friend, and thinking if my Biracial son was 15 and not 3, and he walked by here in a hoodie, this guy – my friend – wouldn’t say “Hey, remember me?! I’m your dad’s friend. I met you when you were just a little toddler.” No, instead, he’d clutch his wallet, cross the street, and get ready to call the authorities because of a “suspicious character.”
As much as that angered me, I was also terribly disappointed and demoralized. With the issues of racism and racial dynamics that still pervade in our society, it’d be nice to think that we could have open and honest conversations about the topic. As a person in a multiracial family (a White dad of a Biracial son), I’m particularly interested in this kind of conversation. But, as I sat there listening to my friend, I just felt discouraged because I realized as I looked at this man who when he said he didn’t have “a pass” to talk about race, what he meant is that he didn’t think he could talk about race except in racist ways. How can you have an open and honest conversation about race if people can’t get beyond their own racism?
Thing is, even after this episode, I don’t necessarily think my friend is a racist as that term is traditionally used. I’ve known the man for a long time, and he is a good man as that term is traditionally used. That said, I can’t help but wonder how much racial bias he harbors. Eventually, we may or may not discuss the incident. All I know is that right now I’m not in any particular hurry to give him a pass.
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Photo: US_Mission_Uganda/Flickr
Here is a racist thing you might find interesting and I’m trying to figure out the propriety of it. There is a running joke among 2nd generation and more recent Filipinos. It mocks the accent of the first generation Filipinos. I’ll include one example in reply to this comment in case it doesn’t survive moderation. I’ll include another example a teacher gave me mocking the south side accent. Are both equally wrong? Is one wrong because it’s racial? Is it OK if people of the same race are making the comments? What if these people don’t have the accent even… Read more »
Here are the examples.
Filipino: I need help chicken nut bread (she can not breath).
South side: A teacher wrote ibus cum et tu on the blackboard and asked us what this meant. Being a Catholic prep school, we immediately assumed it was Latin. She said on the south side it’s a response to the question when does the bus get here? (a bus come at 2).
“As a person in a multiracial family, I’m particularly interested in this type of conversation…” My mother says all kinds of outrageous things in our house during big family get-togethers….we are Asian-American and my husband is Jewish-American….I think most of it is just wonder and astonishment at how different my husband is from what she knows as a typical traditional Asian male….we have been married for 2 decades, so whatever preconceptions she had about the “lo faan” have been turned upside down….my mom is kind of like George Jefferson (she calls my husband “Ju Guei”, which loosely translates as “Jewish… Read more »
Yeah but your mother is invested in the family. My Aunt’s partner is white. We talk very un-pc and we have arguments but at the end of the day we are invested in each other and will attempt to work that out. I would feel very differently about her if she thought her association with me gave her legitimacy to say the n-word or to talk negatively about black people amongst her white friends or family in a way that she might not talk directly to me.
@ Leia
My mom (Filipino) is the same way although she married a white man and has 4 bi-racial children. I think in her case it has a lot to do with being an immigrant. I’ve found many immigrants being concerned about race. I think they look for shared culture / experience in a different land. My mother and aunts all want me to marry a Filipina.
My teenage son’s first “friend/girlfriend” was Asian…they are still friends…they still hang out in the same friend group and make each other laugh….they play music together (she on keyboards/piano and him on guitar)….she is really sweet and I like her and her family…. Over the summer, my son had a slight crush on a different girl (blonde and from a very affluent family)… they are just friends and they all still text to each other even though summer camp is over…This all tickles me to no end….it is cute watching him with his various friends (they are all still quite… Read more »
I wholeheartedly agree with you. No pass for him. He doesn’t deserve it. In fact, I think I’d be real hesitant about spending much time with this guy. We got our first racial slur when my daughter was just shy of 20 months old. Our children were playing on the playground and having such fun that I stayed, but needless to say, that’s the last time we saw them. And I think Sarah’s okay with that. I know I definitely am.
Very good article.