Responding to the news that Prince William won’t be wearing a wedding band, Hugo Schwyzer argues that if you’re married, you should sport a ring.
With the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton just over a fortnight away, Buckingham Palace is carefully letting out daily updates of the impending nuptials. Few bits of news have proved as controversial as the announcement that the future king will forgo a wedding band after he’s married. As Zaneta Jung reported here last week, that decision hasn’t been well received by the press or the public. Even those who take no interest in royalty have been drawn into a debate about the larger issue: should men wear wedding rings?
We know—or we should know—that not everyone buys into the marriage ideal. (Many gay men and lesbians do buy into the ideal, but cannot have their commitments recognized by law.) People can be in enduring, loving monogamous 
relationships without getting married. People can also find happiness and fulfillment outside of monogamy itself: the experiences of many of my celibate, polyamorous, and proudly promiscuous friends have shown me that.
But at the same time, marriage remains an iconic institution. Lots of us still get married—though fewer than in earlier eras. Lots of young people I work with tell me that they want to get married someday, but only “if” they meet the right person. Most teens and 20-somethings have seen plenty of divorces and comparatively few happy and enduring marriages. These young people are no less romantic than their elders, but they are probably more fearful. They’ve seen that what can go wrong usually does. Plenty still believe in enduring love, but many aren’t at all sure it will “happen” for them.
So what about those guys who by luck or by choice have made happy marriages for ourselves? Do our wedding rings matter? Why should people care about our jewelry decisions—after all, are we really less married when we choose not to put on a ring?
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Wedding rings have been around for a long time, but men only started wearing them regularly in the 20th century. Cynics argue that “double ring” ceremonies were pushed by the jewelry industry, eager to maximize profits by encouraging men as well as women to wear something permanent and expensive on their left ring fingers. But it’s also true that the practice of men wearing rings tied in with increasing urbanization. In a small town, everyone knows who the married men are. In the big cities to which more and more Americans migrated, a wedding band became the only sure-fire way to know who was available and who wasn’t.
I don’t think that every man who doesn’t wear his wedding ring is necessarily “sleazy.” The refusal to put on a wedding band doesn’t prove an inclination to cheat any more than wearing a ring is a guarantor of fidelity. As Jung pointed out in her article, some men (and women) loathe jewelry, or have jobs that make wearing a ring impossible or even dangerous. There are plenty of reasons why someone might not want to wear his ring—and at least some of those reasons have nothing to do with wanting to feign singleness.
But weddings are still social events; few of us get hitched without at least some family or friends in attendance. Marriage has both a private and a public dimension. Many religious traditions implore the congregation to pledge to support the couple whose wedding they are witnessing. As a former First Lady and current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton once wrote, it takes a village to raise a child. She might have added that it sometimes takes a village to help sustain a marriage. Just maybe, the village has a right to expect married men to act differently than single men. And one of the most obvious ways that married men can mark themselves out as “off the market” is with a wedding ring.
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Since my wife and I were married six years ago, I only take my ring off to sleep, bathe, and work out. I travel a lot by myself, and often notice women (and, much less often, men) giving a quick glance at my left hand. I don’t flatter myself that all of those people would be interested if my hand were bare. Rather, many of them are looking to size me up quickly, sometimes as much to assess potential threat level as to determine whether I’m available. Though men with wedding rings still do hit on women, there’s at least a perception that a guy with a band on his finger is less likely to be on the prowl. (In my own purely personal experience, the stereotype that women are more likely to pursue a man who is wearing a ring has turned out to be a myth.)
It is not designed to ward other women off, or to remind me to be faithful. It symbolizes more than monogamy; it symbolizes partnership, it symbolizes that the decisions I make and the dreams I pursue are made and pursued in intimate concert with one other human being. It is a symbol that while there is always an autonomous and independent me, that me is inextricably linked to an “us.” The monogamous ideal we embrace is one vehicle for personal growth, it isn’t the only or even the best one. But it is mine, and it is ours.
The David Yurman band I wear has been a bit dinged over the years, but it still shines. My wife and I, like all married couples, have had our ups and our downs. Our bodies have aged a bit (mine far more visibly than hers), and have their nicks and scratches too. But our marriage still gleams, still empowering us to go out and serve in public and come home to the safe (but challenging) refuge of our shared private life.
I don’t judge men who choose not to wear their rings. But I’m proud to wear mine, and if you see me in public without it (and I’m not in workout gear), then I’ve either been robbed or something very unfortunate has happened. Feel free to ask.
And yeah, I wish Prince William would wear his, too.
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More From Our Special Marriage Section:
What Your Marriage Needs to Survive
My Exemplary, Everyday Marriage
A Guy’s Divorce Survival Guide
How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life—and Your Marriage
Are Men Natural-Born Cheaters?
—Photo spleeney/Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
Symbols are public and private. It’s not about signifying that you’re “off the market”. It’s a small symbol between partners that signifies commitment.
Weddings are always public, otherwise most people would get married in private. Obviously they don’t. They get married in public because it’s a public declaration as much as it is private.
Wearing a wedding ring is not a big deal, either way. It doesn’t make you rebellious not to wear it. I can’t help but think that some men don’t wear it because they don’t want to commit fully and want some women to think they are still available (this is more of a self-delusion on behalf of the man himself).
I guess it’s more important to do what works for you, though, as long as you’re being honest — with your partner and with yourself.
My ex refused to wear his wedding ring most of the time. He said it bothered him when he typed. I spent all day typing too, and my ring was designed the same as his. Mine never bothered me.
He sometimes carried it in his pocket. It disappeared out of his pocket one evening when he visited a girl he had a major crush on. I later realized, that was the beginning of the end.
Nevertheless, I think it’s an important symbol and tradition. The rings don’t have to be expensive. But since marriage is a legal contract, that has some affect on others. If you’re brought to an emergency room unable to speak, for instance, a ring would tell the staff there was a spouse to contact. If a woman is looking to date, as I have done, it’s a very helpful indicator of who isn’t available.
Kitti, sorry about your misfortune. However, most people do or should carry an emergency contact card in their purse or wallet. Further, there are no secrets anymore. Also, the police have access to public records so as to identify one’s spouse.
Bottom line, there’s no real reason to wear a ring unless one wants to. It only has as much symbolic importance as that assigned to it by the wearer. Wedding rings don’t keep marriages together or pull them apart, people do.
I will never wear a ring. Ever. I hate jewelry and always find it uncomfortable and can’t stand wearing it. I have two college degrees and never bought a class ring. I don’t even wear a watch.
If she insists that I wear a ring or not get married, we won’t be getting married and I would be grateful that she showed me her true colors before marriage, that she expects to control me, even down to what I wear.
Wow catch. So you’re telling me when you meet a woman who’s compatible in every way possible, so much so that she understands your free-spirited nature- you’d not wear your wedding band or even marry her if she made ONE request for you to do so. Sounds like the controlling one is you, and the one who has to make a few sacrifices is your significant other, never you. What a mellow dramatic relationship I’m sure not many women have wanted to pursue.
bottom line, you should love her more then you hate jewelry. I love my boyfriend and I wouldn’t necessarily demand him to wear a ring when we get married. But if he didn’t I would be a little blue.
Wow catch. So you’re telling me when you meet a woman who’s compatible in every way possible, so much so that she understands your free-spirited nature- you’d not wear your wedding band or even marry her if she made ONE request for you to do so.
catch may not be too far off base. If this hypothetical woman is going to base a (hopefully) long term commitment on the acceptance of one condition then it does sound like she is controlling.
…and the one who has to make a few sacrifices is your significant other, never you.
And I don’t think the decision to not wear a ring saying that catch wouldn’t make any sacrifices.
I love my boyfriend and I wouldn’t necessarily demand him to wear a ring when we get married. But if he didn’t I would be a little blue.
That could be explained as simply jewelry not mattering to you as much as catch.
But what if it was something that you would not compromise on? Changing your last name? Trying to get you to leave a job that you enjoy?
No, YOU should wear a wedding ring if you want to. Leave the rest of us alone to make our own decision.
I don’t wear a wedding band, don’t ever plan to, and see no reason to. Everyone who is anyone knows that I’m married, even people who know who I am that I haven’t met or don’t remember meeting know that I’m married. The only people who don’t know are total strangers. I have no reason to inform strangers about my personal life. It’s kind of none of their business.
It wouldn’t trouble me in the least if my wife were ringless like me. Wearing or not wearing a ring changes absolutely, positively nothing about my life, except prevents me from being in a constant state of discomfort. There is no good reason to try to demand that someone wear something they don’t want to wear. Everyone should get to decide for themselves what they do or don’t put on their body.
Amen Eric! I got married young (23) and my husband was (25). For the first yr we both wore our rings faithfully but being the young vibrant outgoing couple that we used to be we both lost our rings about 3 times in 3 yrs! I finally decided not to keep spending unnecessary money on things we keep losing. 13 yrs and 4 children later my husband STILL doesn’t wear a wedding band although everyone knows we are married. I wear my engagement band sometimes (to church, weddings etc) but it makes us no less married to wear them or not. And I’m very secure enough in my relationship to not pressure my husband to wear one either!
I bought my husband a silver wedding band for Christmas,and knowing his line of work as a carpenter, wish I hadn;t but it still hurt that he won;t wear it when he isn;t working,and we have been married 34yrs,and it has been good,rings don;t make a marriage love and commitment make a marriage and that is what I told my husband, I believe in my vows and what God brought toghether, and I still love my husband very much, think I will take the ring back and get a watch,
What an incredibly arrogant and misinformed article. I find jewelry of any sort poncy and effeminate as such i am simply not prepared to wear. this does not disract one iota from the love and commitment i know i have for my wife. in future keep your ignorant and myopic views to yourself.
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