Oh, to be someone else. The Old Long Johnson cat, maybe. He got his fifteen minutes of fame and wasn’t borne to the ground by the crushing weight of his hideous, inexplicable adipose tissue in the process. Have you seen how I walk? How I play? I can’t even ascend the stairs, for crying out loud.
I’m certain you’ve witnessed my misfortune. It plays on an endless loop, filling the empty minutes of your local newscasts and breakfast variety shows. Hugh Grant petted me. Cee-Lo Green has my best interests at heart. And right now, I’m stuck in a moment no fortysomething milf in her right mind would ever want to get out of: seated on Anderson Cooper’s narrow lap, gazing into the “Silver Fox’s” piercing blue eyes.
“This is one big cat- glad he is with people who are helping him get his weight under control. He looks like a cool cat though!”
“hi i saw Meow on my internet page in Australia how is his diet going”
“http://www.expressen.se/nyheter/meow-vager-18-kilo—tvingas-banta-pa-katthem/ The news of Meow have reached Sweden too Wish him and all of you the best. You’re doing an important job.”
“I saw Meow today in my local newspaper here in Halifax, Nova Scotia! Love Meow’s story and excited to hear about his weight loss journey! ”
“ saw meow on our local paper. Muncie, Indiana. big cutie”
“such a sweetie pie just want 2 see him every minute of the Day!”
“Yeah Meow!!! You will soon be the cats meow!! ”
“he is so adorable i just want to love on him lol…..good luck meow wish u the best in ur long journey but u can do it!!!!! i know u can”
“Meow I wish I new more about u!!!”
“This cat MEOW is such a big fatboy <3. lol”
“I would love to give meow my home once he is healthy….my cat passed away last year at the age of 13 and left a huge void in our hearts…..our other cat minx is lonely and my son has just started asking if we can get a new kitty..he took Casey’s loss hard…we would give Meow a wonderful life…we would love him like our child”
“Good boy Meow! Staying on your Catkins diet is working. Keep up the good work buddy…you are going to feel great when you get down to a healthy weight. XXXOOO”
“good luck Meow! i hope your hard work pays off!”
“Meow u are more beautiful then my sons I want u”
“Yay 4 Meow!!!!! Adorable fella!!!! Keep dropping the pounds buddy ”
“Meow, I love you! Just watched you on Anderson. You are a beautiful kitty. You can do if! I know your doctor is going to help you get healthy. I am cheering you on.”
Your support means so much to me. I’m glad you think I’m more beautiful than your sons. I’m grateful that the people in Sweden worry so much about my goings-on. I’m pleased to hear that my name rings out in Halifax, Nova Scotia.
But you know what? None of this means anything. After all, I have a severe urinary tract infection that’s caused me to gain weight at a rapid rate. The resultant weight gain was killing me. My elderly owner did the best she could, but she couldn’t afford to keep me on a ridiculously expensive “science diet.” But now things are getting better. Considerable resources been devoted to improving my health, which is at its lowest ebb, because that’s how things work here in the good old US of A.
Are there any 40-pound cats roaming around the villages of sub-Saharan Africa or the Indian subcontinent, I wonder? But I don’t wonder that for long: Anderson Cooper starts tickling my triple chins. Lots of people think Anderson’s a beautiful man. I suppose I’m lucky to be here.
“I just had a thought. I carried a backpack today that weighed 15 lbs and I thought that’s heavy enough. Crikeys! Put Meow in there and I doubt I could have carried him! Ha ha”
“I’m jealous of Meow… I want Anderson Cooper to hold me too! ”
“I am a social worker. I used to work for hospice and adopted one of my patient’s kitties when she passed. He weighed 28 pounds. He now weighs 26. I would LOVE to adopt Meow. ”
“I love Meow! I have a two year old cat, Madeleine, that is slightly overweight. This encourages me to switch her diet to avoid future problems. Good luck Meow! I cheering for you.”
“I have a Maine Coone who is extremely handsome and sweet and chatty, he tipped the scales at 29.8. He’s a huge cat, not fat belly sagging on the ground, he’s healthy, quick and agile. He does have some common urinary issues found in male cats, we recently put him on grain free canned wellness food, he gets half a cup a day spread out through 3 feedings, he’s lost about 3 pounds in a month(26) and is fur is looking better than ever. Good luck to you Meow, if Jake can do it, any cat can.”
“Keep losing weight, buddy. I have a couple of cats that would like to meet you.”
In a perfect world, I’m a svelte 12-pound cat, able to gambol and pirouette and stand en pointe. My death wish, while not totally effaced, is no stronger than anyone else’s. My future is spread out before me like creamy Nutella across the surface of Morton’s multigrain bread.
But in an imperfect world, which is the one we all live in, I’m trapped here with America’s most beloved and trustworthy newcaster, unable to move. The tall, goofy-looking woman from a forgotten 1990s sitcom asks my handler why I’m so fat. The people in the studio audience, a handful of whom are nearly as obese as I am, chortle in response to her remark. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part, this body is my sepulcher.
Photo–Santa Fe Animal Shelter