It’s okay to give someone a piece of your mind. Just make sure it’s an intelligent piece, that actually communicates something.
As one with strong opinions and a fondness for words, it’s possible that I’ve hurled (and received) a few insults in my time. Like most people, I do it without thinking the words through all that thoroughly. I mean, I’m smart enough to avoid the really obviously offensive ones like “that’s so gay.” But I’m not 100% there in my avoidance of some that I know offend other people.
For instance, I kinda like the word “douche” to describe a guy that is all talk, just for show, totally ridiculous and bad for you, because that’s exactly what a douche, the kind that goes in a vagina, is. I don’t find it insulting to vaginas or people who have them, because we all know that a douche (the kind they sell at drug stores) is all advertising, just for show, totally ridiculous and bad for you, just like the guys who get called by the same name. And neither one should be allowed anywhere near a vagina. Period.
Recently, however, a TwitterPal pointed out a blog post about gender neutral insults, and I had to think about how I insult people, and what it means. The idea of the post was that we shouldn’t use any insults that use body parts in a derogatory way. I can kind of get behind that. I don’t tend to do it anyway, though I’m not really all that bothered by it. That said, it has proven good food for thought.
For instance, I tend to call people “assholes” if they really boil my blood. It’s gender neutral, so that’s good. But, wait. I have no issues with assholes, as body parts. I kind of like them, actually. So why on earth would I call someone an asshole? That’s kind of a compliment, from some perspectives. And since how one feels about assholes, much less various sexual acts with them, is contextually variable, it’s not a good insult. For all I know, I’ll call someone an asshole, and they’ll picture a nice tight fit and thousands of tingling nerve endings, get a big smile on their face, sigh contentedly and say, “yah, mmmmm.”
I am aware of various racial slurs that people use as insults. Gypped, for instance, is a reference to gypsies who were thought to all be crooks. That’s a blatantly racist comment that’s about as valid as saying “she drives like a Chink,” which I sure as hell hope no one would say, and they’d get an earful from me if they did. I tend not to say “gypped,” but I’m not perfect. Likewise, I tend not to say that something is “retarded,” even though I think that refers to the nature of something being not fully developed, and not comparing it to a person, but it’s not territory I’m comfortable on, just in case, and is NOT something anyone should ever say.
Seems to me that gender neutral is the least of our issues when it comes to insults. In order for an insult to have real power, they have to actually communicate something that the recipient will understand, and presumably both relate to and agree with.
When I was teaching creative writing in the Juvenile Detention Center in Saint Louis, I used to tell my students that they could swear if they wanted to, but they couldn’t do it INSTEAD of communicating. They could call me a “fucking bitch” if they wanted to, but they still had to describe what I did that made me a bitch, how it made them feel, and what they wanted to do as a result. Otherwise, you have not fully explained the situation in a way that would create an accurate picture in the minds of a reader, much less serve as a call to action that would create change. So, “that fucking bitch tries to control everything I do, pacing up and down the aisles like a snake with her beady little eyes darting….” You get the idea. That communicates something.
So, calling someone an asshole? Eh, doesn’t communicate much.
Well, hell’s bells, what will then? What are some gender neutral insults that would communicate how we feel about those who we just can’t stand, for whatever reason?
Shortly after that, a friend of mine posted an article, on Facebook, about an ignorant and bigoted person (who I would have typically called an asshole) and his opposition to gay-marriage. (For him, arguably, “fucking asshole” would be an insult, as I’m assuming he objects to the idea of asshole-based sex.) In my comment on her post I referred to the man as “… that shoe-gum of a human being.”
That’s gender neutral. It also describes something that you wish wasn’t there, that you can’t really get rid of, makes horrible sounds, interferes with freedom of movement and is generally dirty, gross and regrettable. It kinda worked for me. “That guy is like shoe-gum” means more than “he’s an asshole.”And, I think, since it is not as obvious or over-used as something like asshole, it would make someone stop and think. And it doesn’t necessarily escalate the level of vitriol and “noise” in a discussion to the point of, well, obfuscating the point.
I like it.
Then I started wondering what else there is that we could say that is gender-neutral, descriptive, and thoughtful while at the same time making one’s disapproval obvious. My stream-of-consciousness list:
- Shoe-gum
- Car Alarm
- Jalapeno Diarrhea
- Hacking Cough
- A nightmare you can’t wake yourself up from
- An ingrown hair (in your bikini line)
- A festering and infected boil
- Roadkill
- A flat tire on a mountain road in a blizzard at midnight
- A rabid hyena
Yah, they’re “funny,” and may not seem all that “tough” but I think we’re on to something. After all, you could call someone an asshole, or you could say that you’d “rather have a flat tire on a mountain road in a blizzard at midnight than go out with him again.” I know which one sounds worse, and indicates a future course of action.
You could say that you don’t trust him, he seems like he’ll gyp you, or use the tried and true, “that’s a bit like leaving the fox in charge of the hen-house.”
You get the idea. I’m fine with insulting people, really. Some people just deserve it, or at least their actions do. But I think that we do need to think about how we do it a bit more carefully. Not JUST to avoid gender-shaming (I am, after all, one of the least PC people I know,) but in order to elevate the level of dialog. We yell and scream too much. We throw around insults without even thinking about them. We have lowered the level of discourse about issues to that of drunk monkeys in a crowded square just trying to rob everyone of everything including their dignity. We obfuscated dialog in favor of throwing poo, as monkeys do.
You can call me a pussy, I guess. I’ll take it as a compliment.
Calling someone a “dick” is a compliment to anyone who likes the male anatomy as much as I do. Next time someone calls someone else a “dick” in front of me, I’m going to ask what kind, gleefully. Soft? Hard? Curved? Hooded or not? A pussy? You mean like a Siamese, or a woman’s vagina? “What do you have against pussies?” I will ask. Personally, I think they’re wonderful, both the ones that rest on, and between, a nice lap.
But tell me that some guy is the human equivalent of Jalapeno Diarrhea, and I’ll know exactly what you mean.
Snakes don’t pace.
I liked this article because I don’t believe in gender based insults, but then disliked it because it paints the picture that anyone who believes in traditional marriage is a bigot. That’s how it comes off. And that’s just jalapeño diarrhea.
I don’t know – none of those insults have enough….”umph” to them. Insults only work if the other person can comprehend what you’re saying. I think that far too often folks don’t realize how diim the general population is. I’ll stick with “fuck you dick head/asshole/douche” for now because communication (even angry communication) only works when the receiver gets your point. [That being said, if someone can come up with new awesome heavy-hitting insults that are gender neutral, I’m open to it.].
One thing I notice about internet feminists is the apparent fact (as observed from reading different blogs) that in order to be an internet feminist you have to swear. A lot. Well, I get that it is necessary to emancipate yourself from notions that women are supposed to be well-behaved, dainty and quiet, and also from Christian inhibitions (“Goshdang it to heck!”). But nevertheless it gives parts of the movement that constant deliberate punk vibe which gets tiresome very quickly. But my point is, the most common swearing formula used in these blogs and forums is “fuck you!”. And this… Read more »
Were you responding to me and this post, or just looking for a way to say that feminists shouldn’t swear? Because this post wasn’t aimed at anyone of any particular gender or political persuasion, didn’t use the phrase “fuck you” and I have never called myself a feminist. In fact, this post was pretty much all about finding more interesting and creative ways to tell people off, so it would seem to agree with your premise, without the pesky need to tell feminists to behave any differently than anyone else. (Or, more perniciously, telling women to mind their manners.) Shitlord… Read more »
🙁 Oh, sorry, I did not have you in mind at all. In fact I had not realized you would identify as a member of that group I described, because obviously you do not share the behaviour described. Like you said, you did not even say the words, and GMP is not a radfem blog. Guess I was not clear enough anyway, so I apologize. In fact, I did not even tell anybody off for anything. In fact I was not even angry. In fact I find it strange that you accuse me of being pesky and of demanding things… Read more »
We’re not fighting. The internet is terrible at conveying tone sometimes, which is why I asked. Sounds like we are in complete agreement. Though I wouldn’t say it’s only feminists who need to stop swearing and being snarky, it’s everyone. They really are not special in how they resort to snark rather than discourse.
Very good, and again, I agree. I generally make a point of trying to avoid sarcasm altogether, although as a member of the geek demographic it would be my “natural” mode of expression. But I have realized that it really is aggression disguised as humor. In particular on the internet, once anybody gets snarky, the dialogue stops right there. As an aside, I believe that snark is extremely fashionable right now in our culture. At least it looks like that in movies, where whole dialogues seem to consist of cool my-balls-are-larger-than-thine witticisms and takedowns (especially in superhero movies). I think… Read more »
I am SOOOOOOOOO ready for snark to go out of fashion. I don’t even have words to express how sick of it I am. And I have words for almost everything.
CAR ALARM is sooooo good. Hahaha.
It’s better if you attack the position rather than the person. I asked one person if they were in favor of Socialism rather than calling them a Socialist outright. I was called Anti-Semetic because I questioned foreign aid to Israel.
This was a lot of fun to read. Poignantly raunchy and pretty freaking hilarious, Alyssa. Great post!
And to think, I really cleaned this up from how I originally wrote it. 😉 I have a mouth like the bathroom at CBGB.