Finding an emotionally stable partner is only the first step, learning how to maintain a strong relationship with them is the next.
I was excited when I clicked on Mark Manson’s article, How to Date Emotionally Stable, Amazing Women. I wondered what would he have to say about how to date me or my equally amazing friends. I even imagined forwarding it to a guy I’m newly dating and saying “See? This is why I like you so much!”
The article (which turned out to be the second in a series of three) got off to a great start, acknowledging that if dating manipulative and needy people is a pattern for you, you should take your own inventory. And it concluded that:
“What’s most important to recognize is that the more manipulative behavior you have in yourself, the more manipulative behavior you will attract and encourage in each of the women you date.”
But in between the opening and this conclusion, I was hoping for practical tips for how to manage the unique challenges of maintaining a long-term relationship with a self-assured and emotionally mature person. Because, as amazing as we are (and naturally I include myself in this group), there are still challenges. It’s one thing to make yourself available for this kind of relationship by avoiding dating people who are manipulative and needy. But it’s another thing to maintain a long-term relationship between equals. So how do we actually do that?
I don’t know all the answers, of course. But I thought about what I look for in a partner, and polled some of my equally amazing friends. I think we came up with a pretty good list, to start.
But first, there are a couple of differences in how I chose to approach the topic. Firstly, though Mark includes a disclaimer (in the first article of the series) that his audience is “hetero males,” he acknowledges that advice for forming healthy relationships is applicable to all genders. I agree, so I’m dropping “men” and “women” from the conversation. Secondly, I find “emotionally stable” to be a vague and problematic label, particularly when used specifically to describe women. Rather than go down that rabbit hole, however, let’s focus on the intent behind those words and characterize this supposedly mythical relationship partner as a “strong, independent person.” Let’s call them SIPs, for short.
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So, what are the characteristics of a SIP? How can these characteristics be challenging in a relationship? And what can two (or more) SIPs do to make the relationship work, long-term?
1. A SIP had a life before meeting you, and expects to continue doing so while dating you.
SIPs have friends, families, careers, and hobbies that they invest time in. They set goals for themselves and make plans. They may not be accustomed to including others in these activities or in the planning process. If you feel left out, you should certainly describe these feelings to your partner, but don’t expect them to change their entire schedule to accommodate your needs. Sometimes, SIPs just want to do their own thing. It helps them maintain their strong sense of identity and individuality – the very characteristics that made them attractive to you as a partner. You might request to spend more alone time with them, or be invited to events with friends and family. Eventually, you’ll find the right balance in your partnership. Maybe Friday nights are date night, Saturdays are for friends and family, and Sundays are for “me time.”
2. A SIP has opinions about things, and respects others who do, too.
SIPs can speak very persuasively, and may come across as quite attached to a thought or idea even if they’re just thinking out loud. If you don’t advocate for your own opinions or needs, you may willingly or even enthusiastically agree to an idea in the moment, only to realize later that you compromised too much. Early on in the relationship, this dynamic could innocuously show up in a conversation about what to eat for dinner. The SIP says “Indian!” You agree, but secretly wish you were going for Italian. Suppressing your own needs to try to please a partner is rarely a successful tactic long-term, and leads to hidden resentments that play out in all sorts of destructive ways. If you continue this pattern, you could find yourself agreeing to help put your partner through graduate school, for example, when what you really want is to take some time off to pursue your art projects. In an equal partnership, some compromise is going to be necessary, but it won’t be a true compromise unless both partners are relentlessly honest and vocal about their needs and desires. You might not always get what you want, all the time, but if you don’t speak up, you’ll rarely get your way.
3. A SIP is strong, but is also vulnerable. SIPs can get their feelings hurt too!
As much as SIPs value their independence, they also crave intimacy and connection just like anyone else. Some SIPs have a hard time opening up to others, and it make take a while or them to trust you enough to let you see their soft spots. Once they do, you should never, ever take advantage of this weakness, or you will lose their trust forever. For example, a SIP might confess that she is afraid of turning into her mother, who used to nag everyone in the family constantly. If you ever use the n-word (nagging) with her, be prepared for a fight!
4. SIPs are on a continuous journey of self-improvement (but don’t try to FIX them).
In the third article in his series, Mark makes an excellent point: “If there’s one trait [in a partner] that I’ve learned you should never compromise on, it’s this:The ability to see one’s own flaws and be accountable for them.” SIPs are fairly self-aware, so they don’t typically need you to point out their flaws for them – in fact, some SIPs may be so self-assured that they can joyously lay all their flaws out on the table and say, “Take it or leave it!”
But sometimes our partners have “flaws” that are not going to change. You can choose whether to be repeatedly hurt or angered by these flaws, or to help your partner mitigate the weaknesses that might be holding the relationship back. For example, two people in a relationship will often have a different “time orientation,” to put it one way. If your partner is always late, you could be justifiably annoyed every single time, but where would that get you? Instead, you could try telling your partner that the show (or family dinner, or friend’s wedding) starts half an hour earlier than it really does. Then arrive with five minutes to spare for a drink!
Managing around your partner’s flaws doesn’t mean you shouldn’t call SIPs out on their bullshit. Actually, they love that – as long as you do it with respect and love, and to seek understanding. For example, if your SIP is complaining about having too much to do at work, you could say: “Stop whining. You asked for that promotion, and you got it. Be careful what you wish for.” How do you think that would go over? Here’s another way to respond: “Last time we talked about your job, you said that you wanted more responsibility. And then you got that promotion. Is it not working out like you hoped?”
And tolerating flaws doesn’t mean you have to put up with shitty behavior, either. If your partner is insensitive or disrespectful, you must point this out immediately and ask for the behavior to stop. SIPs set boundaries like this for themselves all the time, and they expect you to do so, too.
5. SIPs really are awesome to date. But keep this to yourself. (Mostly.)
SIPs are realistic about their strengths, as well as their weaknesses. Everyone loves a compliment, and SIPs love to hear what you like about them specifically, but don’t make the mistake of putting your partner on a pedestal. SIPs have a tough enough time living up to their own high standards without having to live up to some idealized image others attribute to them. Furthermore, if you constantly shower your partner with admiration and adoration, they might start to wonder if you consider yourself worthy of them. And nothing is a bigger turn-off for a SIP than low self-esteem.
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If you want a successful long-term relationship with a strong, independent person, it’s not enough just to minimize your own manipulative behavior. You also need to be able to:
- Maintain healthy boundaries and respect your partner’s
- Stand up for yourself without being a bully
- Use your words to express your thoughts and feelings
What these relationship skills have in common is that both partners are accountable for practicing them. If you can do these things, you will not only be able to successfully maintain a relationship with a strong, independent person, but you will also be the SIP your partner is looking for, too.
I m dating an asian with a strong view of interdependance in a relationship. in the other way, culturally n from an introvert personality, i m for the respect of each other individuality. So to find an happy medium, we have to work hard. I learned to respond to his needs of deep connection. He learned to respect my need of me time n even identify that he need some alone time too. Dating people from other culture, one can see the variety of relationship. I think for a long term relationship, interdependance is really important. u learn to value… Read more »
SIP- strong independent partner This catchy phrased article leaves me asking if the author is American. It’s like a “how to” article with all the right “tips” and “suggestions” about being in a long term relationship. In 5 easy and digestible points- the magic potion for how to finally have a long term relationship with a SIP! I really dislike the phrases “strong and independent” Here in the West there is such a drastic focus on independence and making sure both people are when I believe there are such achingly beautiful questions that reach a bit deeper like, “How am… Read more »
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and for joining the conversation! Most blog articles have easy and digestible points because that’s the format; I don’t think anyone is suggesting that definitions of terms used and the 5-point recipes are meant to be comprehensive. The form is such a trope that no one explains this anymore. Yes, I live in America, and I appreciate hearing a different perspective on the West and our focus on independence. Certainly independence is valued, and yet we still see many more articles about “How to Make Your Partner…” do xyz than how to… Read more »
Venusian…your Ram Dass quote is spot on for me. Thank you for sharing it. I lost much of my identity in relationship with an alcoholic. I had to leave to reconnect to my self and learn to re-establish healthy boundaries. That work is hard. I long for connection with myself to be ready for my next relationship that supports truth as Dass describes it.
SIP’s will also encounter a lot of people who want to label them incorrectly: afraid of commitment withdrawn selfish set in their ways My all-time favorite is when someone criticizes someone for “having a mind of her own.” As if that were really an insult. More like a compliment. I’m a little curious about terminology. If one is not an SIP, then what do we call them? If someone is not “strong”, then does that mean he/she is “weak”? If someone is not “independent,” does that mean he/she is “dependent”? I bring this up because many men are accused of… Read more »
I agree with the ways you have listed that SIPs get mischaracterized. I came up with “strong, independent person” in response to “emotionally unstable,” but I don’t really love labeling people as a rule. I do agree with the author of those other articles that we are who we date. So someone who is intimidated by a strong partner would probably date people they find less threatening – or maybe they would get involved with a SIP but then find ways to sabotage the relationship pre-emptively. “Well s/he is going to dump me anyway, so I don’t really need to… Read more »
I’d say this is a good article. Generally, I think, as a culture, we go over board on the concept of “independence”. And for that matter “being strong”. Humans are inter-dependent. We all need others. I would go so far as to say, Americans seem to very much need, most of the people in China, for most material things, we own. But that’s another story, right? Or is it? We are in denial of how we actually are existing on this planet and that is going to have a roll over effect into our relationships eventually….. We have tried to… Read more »
Great words Laura! It is frightening to be interdependent in this crazy world where there is so much unhinged behaviour. It’s natural to want to build walls against it, but ultimately deeply unsatisfying, so we all dip our toes in, pull them back out, dip them in deeper, get hurt, fix something, tweak something, try again, and on and on,or just run away, until maybe one day we’ll master both individuality and love…
Also, the Latin phrase primus inter pares, first among equals, comes to mind.
Excellent advice on every count, and a highly accurate description of SIPs. Thank you.
Great article. Excellent timing too!