Alyssa Royse offers a quick primer on porn as a sexual aid to spice up your relationship.
–
A few days ago, I spent a rainy day watching Don Jon with my father, daughter and mother-in-law. Yup, that was awkward. Didn’t realize that it meant I was going to spend a rainy afternoon watching porn with my family. Although I went on a major social media tear about how angry I was that no one warned me there was so much porn in it, which meant I didn’t get to consent, the other thing that really pissed me off was how it demonized porn.
Can we please get off the “porn is bad and will ruin you and your relationship” kick? Please. Porn can be abused, just like anything can. But porn is not inherently bad, watching porn is not inherently bad and watching porn sure doesn’t have to ruin your relationship. In fact, I’m pretty sure it can help in several ways.
Yes, I really do think that porn can spice up your sex life. Many of us watch it, many of us would benefit from watching it, and those of us who do, need to admit we do. We also need to support the people who make it for us so that they can get the credit they deserve, be treated as well as they deserve and even make us the better porn that we deserve. None of which happens in the darkness of shame.
Remember, porn is NOT sex-ed. In these instances, we’re using it to expose you to some new stuff. Seek good resources, (like the entire Good Vibrations site) for accurate health and safety info about sex.
LEARN SOMETHING NEW.
Is there something you’ve been curious about but don’t really know how it works? Guess what, there’s porn for that. Whatever you can dream up, someone made porn of it.
To Do It:
- Find some time alone, take a deep breath.
- Watch some porn. Check out Good Vibrations VOD for lots of great choices.
Note what you see that makes your juices flow, and what does the opposite. Use those feelings as a starting point for a discussion with your partners.
Look for credible information about how to recreate it for yourself, safely!
CAN WE TALK ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE?
There are few things in this world that’s as awkward as talking about our sex life, especially with the people we’re having sex with. If one person says, “Honey, I’d like to try something new,” it’s entirely possible that the other person will hear, “You’re a terrible lover and nothing you’re doing feels good and honestly, this just sucks, and not in the good way.” We do not like to talk about our feelings. However, we love to talk about other people and what they’re doing. Enter, PORN!
Porn is a great way to discuss new ideas with your partner. Slide on over to a porn site and go on a Sex Safari. Watch various clips of things you don’t usually do, and see how it feels in your tingly bits. Talk to each other, and ask “So, what do you think about that? ” “Would you want to try that? ” This way it’s not one of those hard relationship talks, it’s more like gossip, and people are good at that.
To Do It:
- Agree ahead of time that there will be no “Oh gross” “That’s weird” or other judgmental, shameful language. Just watch, with an open mind.
- Make a list of “Yes,” “No,” “Maybe” based on what you see.
- If there’s anything you need to buy, look for it online (Even the act of talking about the sex you will have someday can be great foreplay today.)
SCRATCH AN UNSCRATCHABLE ITCH
Sometimes you or your partner are turned on by something that just isn’t present in your relationship. While fantasies are great, and fantasies don’t have to be shared to be enjoyed, sometimes sharing them adds another fulfilling dimension to your sex life.
I have small breasts. I love them. I had a lover once who just loved big breasts. No matter how generous I was, that’s not something I could deliver to him. So imagine his surprise – and joy – when I suggested watching some Big Boob porn together. It was totally fun and made frequent appearances in our repertoire.
Beyond partner play, there are a lot of things that are better, or at least easier, left in the fantasy realm. Whereas denying your fantasies can lead to depression, anxiety and dishonesty, porn is a great option and safe way to indulge them.
To Do It:
- Identify the fantasies that you are unable to act out in the real world.
- Find porn, watch it.
Bonus points for understanding what it is about the fantasy that speaks to your sexuality, because there may be ways to work parts of it into your regular play. And there may be cues to understanding yourself. For example, many people who are super Type A and “in control” in their daily lives are very “subby” in their sex play because they need the release from responsibility and control. Figure out the essence of your fantasy – not the acts – and learn something about yourself.
FIND YOURSELF
Mainstream media – and yes, a lot of mainstream porn – is filled with totally unrealistic messages about body shape and gender roles. However, not only are we not all built the same, we don’t all want the same things. As alienated as some of us feel by mainstream media, we can find a reflection of ourselves in porn.
I will never forget sitting in a seminar with Kelly Shibari, a brilliant and talented porn star whose niche is BBW bondage. She was talking about being a “fat” porn star (their word, not mine) and having a male fan come up to her with gratitude saying that hers was the only porn he and his wife could watch together. Why? Because his wife was also BBW, and watching Kelly perform helped her see herself as beautiful and sexy.
Knowing me, I probably cried when she told that story. In any event, whether it’s a body shape, a kink, a fetish or a fantasy, you will be able to find it reflected to you in the world of porn. And that can go a long ways towards helping you realize that you’re not alone, you’re appreciated and there’s nothing wrong with you.
To Do It:
- Identify the things about yourself that you feel are not validated, or feel weird about.
- Find porn, watch it.
Bonus points for thinking about the messages from media and peers that make you feel bad about yourself and learning new ways to process that input. This may include having a talk with people who say or do things that hurt you.
GET YOUR MOTOR RUNNING
I have had friends tell me that they will watch porn before getting busy with their partner because it gets them hot and ready and half way there, making it easier for them to enjoy all the sexy time with their partners. I have heard this most often from women – middle age women with kids, to be exact – who are just drained, but still want to have fun sex with their partners. They need a little something to get started, otherwise it’s too easy to just be “too tired” and promise to do it tomorrow. When the same thing happens again…
To Do It:
- Have a few sites that you like bookmarked on your computer. Or DVDs that you like in a place that they’re easy to grab.
- Sneak away to “get ready for bed.” No one knows what that phrase means anyway.
Okay, that’s your quick primer on porn as a sexual aid. There are, of course, much simpler reasons to watch porn. Like, you want to. Or, because it’s fun.
Now, in Don Jon, the main character loses his girlfriend (who, let’s be clear, was manipulative, shallow and conniving) because he is not honest with her about his porn-viewing habits. Even as I sit here singing the praises of porn, I have to tell you, I would have dumped him too. Not because he was watching porn, but because he was lying about it.
Lying is always bad in a relationship, but especially when it is an ongoing behavior that is actually important to you. The best way to protect against that is to be honest about what matters to you, and make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. I always recommend that couples make a “Yes, No, Maybe” list.
YES: Things you know you need, want and are willing to do.
NO: Things you know are not ever going to happen for you, hard limit. That can mean things you are not willing to give up, also. (For Don Jon, that might include porn.)
MAYBE: Things that are on your radar that you are curious about and willing to try. Things in your past that you enjoyed but don’t need. Things your partner is into that you’d be willing to try.
The list can – and usually does – change over time. And that’s what’s great about it, it is an organic communication tool.
It is also a great way to figure out if you are truly compatible with someone. Don Jon’s girlfriend wanted him to be something that he is not, and that’s not fair. He deserves someone who wants him for who he is. They were not compatible, it’s as simple as that.
Porn is neither inherently good nor inherently bad. How you use it can be. But dishonesty in a relationship is inherently bad. Be honest with yourself about what you want and need. Be honest with your partners. And learn to let go of things that are not a good fit, in order to make room for things that are.
—
Photo: Flickr/Jeremy Vandel
Alyssa, I understand you won’t agree with this assessment, but yes, I do think porn is more bad then good. Do I think it’s “inherently” bad? I don’t know because I’m not even sure I know what really means. Is someone who committed a murder inherently bad? Maybe. Maybe not. I am not trying to compare porn to murder but just make a point about the term “inherently bad” being rather confusing. I will tell you what I do think. I do think porn is an industry largely built on, not sex or the desire to benevolently supply a safe… Read more »
Hi Erin
I think what you say here is this is best advice :
✺”. I actually think that maybe it’s time we put the porn
down for a little bit and re-discovered sex separate from porn. “✺
Thanks Iben!
Carol Queen has written some good books about the beneficial uses of pornography in a relationship. She has written many books and has a PhD. Start with her.
Hi LG
Thank you.
Hi Alyssa I do not intend to enter a porn debate. I am not qualified since I do not use porn. That’s a personal choice. But when you write: ✺”watching porn sure doesn’t have to ruin your relationship. In fact, I’m pretty sure it can help in several ways.”✺ I am sure this is your personal opinion, and not a statement based on research of the use of pornography in marriage and long term relationships? You see I am skeptical , but love to read reports if you have any links. Online we can see lots of webpages where lawyers… Read more »
A good link for you.
http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/homo-consumericus/201001/pornography-beneficial-or-detrimental
It basically finds that there is no basis for the thesis that explicit material is harmful.
Iben, there is tons of research on it. I will try and dig some up for you after I do all the “mom” things that my evenings are filled with. But you can Google it. Lots of sex therapists will “prescribe” porn to people and couples to explore sexual ideas…… The problems come when people lie about it, and / or don’t understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Which is a problem in general, not just with porn. Ironically, I think that’s one of the points that Don Jon was trying to make, but it was so flacidly written… Read more »
You haven’t read Nerdlove’s takedown of Don Jon (and porn), have you?
https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/hesaid-learn-from-this-don-jon/
Needless to say, I don’t agree with much of his take. 😉
Thanks for the answer. 😉
nice advertisement for goodvibes.
Not an ad. Would be nice if it was, but it’s just my personal opinion. I love them. And know that they support the ethical treatment of porn performers and producers, which matters to me.