NeTeah Hatchett shares inside secrets to dating a single mom.
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There seem to be several perks when it comes to dating a woman with kid(s). One of the major perks being that you have the opportunity to see firsthand the type of mother she would be to your future children. The other perk being that you can almost guarantee that a house with kids in it, is guaranteed to have snacks on demand at all times. And depending on how you look at it, there may also be some “downsides” when it comes to dating a mom, let alone a single mom.
For most men, dating a single mom can be quite a difficult task. And I’ll be the first to say…I get it. Now I do want to clarify that there is a major difference between being a single mom and being a mom that just happens to be single. All too often, I see women using this term interchangeably and they are most definitely not one in the same, by any means. In my opinion, being a single mother has absolutely nothing to do with one’s marital status. Heck, there are married women out there that consider themselves single moms within their own household because they assume the majority of the responsibility for their kids. The difference between a single mom and a mom who happens to be single, is that a single mom has the sole responsibilities of raising a child on their own, whereas a mom who happens to be single, could be a mom who is single but in an equal and successful co-parenting situation; so now that we have that clarification out of the way, let’s proceed.
Let me just say that as a woman, dating without kids was a headache, as I can imagine is the same for men, but dating with a child has proven to be even more difficult and I can provide several reasons why. And let me just be clear, that these are based on MY experiences and obviously not reflective of EVERY single mom out there.
The Sitter Struggle
Being a single parent sometimes means having to schedule a night out several weeks in advance and hope that your sitter remembers that they agreed to watch your child when the time actually comes. Whether it be a night out with her friends, or a surprise trip planned by her significant other, one of the major downsides of dating a single mom is that it definitely limits the opportunities for spontaneity in many aspects of life. So unless she has babysitter options at her beck and call, one thing a guy has to realize, is that she may not always be able to drop everything and meet up for a drink after work or grab a bite to eat at the spur of the moment.
The Fill-In
Now while this may vary by situation and female, there are many single moms who date to not only find a potential long-term mate for themselves, but also to find a suitable male role model/stepfather to their child(ren). There’s a lot of pressure when it comes to dating a single mom in this aspect, because if you aren’t up for the role of stepping in and picking up where someone left off, it can cause quite a headache down the road. For a man to step in and assume the role of an absent parent takes a lot, and not men all equipped or ready for that type of responsibility, and that is perfectly fine. Granted it may not always be mandatory that you fill the role of the absentee father, but with some single moms, it can actually be a requirement or expectation if you plan to be with her long-term. Now obviously, this isn’t a discussion that comes after the first 2 or 3 dates, however it’s definitely something that should be a topic of conversation at some point in time; determining the (future) expectations, as far as the child(ren) are concerned.
My Time… Not Yours
One of the major obstacles that I’ve faced being a single mom and dating is that many guys don’t understand how much time it takes to be a parent. Now women may be lucky enough to come across a guy with a child(ren) of his own who understands this, but more often than not, many men without kids don’t understand that raising a child actually takes time. She may not be able to sit and have long, endless conversations with you while her child is awake, as her child should/will always come first. Guys also sometimes tend to get annoyed hearing a child constantly talking or asking questions in the background. She may very well miss a call or three because she’s helping her kids with their homework, or getting them ready for bed. Understand that and accept that she’s a mom first. If the woman you’re dating is an active parent (which you should hope that she is), this is just something that comes with the territory. Respect it or move on.
Meeting Day
This really isn’t as much of an issue as the factors I’ve named above; however, it sometimes can become a touchy subject. There are the guys who would be fine with not meeting her child until she’s meeting him at the altar, and then on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are those men who want to set up play dates after the first date/encounter. At the end of the day, there should be no pressure from either party. When both of you are comfortable enough to introduce the child to one another, is the time that the meeting should occur. Ladies shouldn’t force it and guys shouldn’t run from it. If you’re dating a woman with a child, be aware that at some point in time, the day is going to come that you’ll be introduced. And again, this is another conversation that is always nice to have to make sure that you are both moving forward in the same direction.
More or less, dating can obviously be tough enough for a man, but dating a single mom takes a special kind of man. One who’s willing to take the time and energy to acknowledge and understand that he may not be the center of her universe. One who respects that her lifestyle and priorities may differ from that of another woman, or even from his own. It takes not only a special kind of man, but it also takes a woman who is willing and able to take on the balance and responsibility of being both a partner and a parent. At the end of the day, expectations of the situation should be discussed to ensure that you both are on the same page. The best piece of advice that I can leave you with….is to simply be understanding and be patient. Those are pretty much the keys to dating any woman, but especially when dating a single mother. Take heed.
Photo: Flickr/Johan Larrson
Single parents should only date other single parents.
They don’t have to meet the kids until they’re 18.
I am dating a single mother of three. I honestly do not know how she does it keeping up with a house, laundry, cleaning, meals, school, homework, repairs/remodeling, disciplining, yard work, caring for family and her ailing mother all while being a mother of three and still finding time for herself. I have said in the past that I get it, I understand but recently I have realized that I really don’t and may never fully grasp it. I myself am a single father of a teenage daughter but its just one of her. We have dated before and a… Read more »
Brian.. Wow… If give my eye teeth to have a partner as devoted as you. I am a middle aged single mom with 4 boys at home, 20, 15, 13, & 10. I just broke up with a man that was in my and my kids’ life for 2 years. He did so much for me and my kids and I let him know that I appreciated and respected him EVERY DAY. He was, however totally controlled by his 40 year old adult daughter as well as indirectly by his ex (10 years divorced). He always said he wanted a… Read more »
After years of dating single moms, I now highly suggest to any man DO NOT do more than casually date a single mom….Nothing serious, no commitment, don’t spend a lot of money, The baggage, the drama with the kids the drama with the ex, the debt, the expectation that my wallet be forever open to children not mine, all make it far from worthwhile. A serious relationship – and (gulp) – the ultimate bad decision, marriage, with a single mom will lead to him losing tons of money yet put him in a position where she uses her kids as… Read more »
It’s not worth it. I’m 41, single, with no kids. Never been married. She has two kids aged 11 and 15. Two different dads. She lives with her mother. For two years, I have been her cheerleader, confidant, babysitter, errand runner, etc. etc. Pick up her children from the bus stop every day so they don’t have to walk(GASP) a quarter of a mile to the house. I bring her lunch at work; surprise her with little things “just because.” I get zero in return. I didn’t even get a card at Christmas from her after two years. I hear… Read more »
You my Friend are exactly that to her no matter what she may tell . you are in the nice guy friend zone. I’m a single dad and and date single moms and can tell if she wants to just be friends or more you might think about . she is simply using you and her mom it seems. Sorry but she considers you a friend.
The opinion of a “single mom”, no co-parent involved… I whole heartily agree with this article in every aspect of dating a single mom, the challenges and the benefits. However, my opinion differs from those of the comments listed, as does my situation. Being a “single mom”, I find it hard to hear friends or even strangers say that they have to share their “kid” on the weekends, birthday, holidays with their ex’s or that one is more financially responsible for their child than the other parent. He or she is still there, putting forth some effort or at least… Read more »
I don’t think that’s really an accurate differentiaton. I’m a single dad, not a dad who happens to be single, because I walk both my kids to school, care for my younger one when she gets off after lunch each day, take them to medical appointments, hold my younger one through the night when her rare cyclical fever syndrome gives her several days of 104 degree fevers every few weeks, pay for, clean, cook, and otherwise maintain a house equipped for all three of us, teach them how to catch fireflies, chaperone field trips and activity days, help my older… Read more »
NaTeah: And depending on how you look at it, there may also be some “downsides” when it comes to dating a mom, let alone a single mom.
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You lost me on this sentence. What other kind mom besides a single mom would I be dating?
Good morning Paul,
I briefly touched on the differentiation in the 2nd paragraph, between being a single mom & a mom who just happens to be single. As in my opinion, being a single mom isn’t necessarily based on one’s marital status, but rather based on the level of responsibility they have for their child(ren).
“The difference between a single mom and a mom who happens to be single, is that a single mom has the sole responsibilities of raising a child on their own, whereas a mom who happens to be single, could be a mom who is single but in an equal and successful co-parenting situation; so now that we have that clarification out of the way, let’s proceed.” I was a “mom who happens to be single,” as you so aptly put it, but I find it a little unnerving that you feel the need to clarify between the two, as if… Read more »
First and foremost Stephanie, let me congratulate you on your marriage 🙂 My intent in the paragraph you mentioned wasn’t at all meant to be insensitive. With the original post, I was asked to provide a more clear opinion of my differentiation between the two, but I chose not to dive too deep into that topic, as I realize that there are always exceptions to every situation. The instance that I’m referring to when I say “whereas as mom who is single could be a mom who is single but in an equal and successful co-parenting relationship”, meaning that I… Read more »
There’s so much truth to this, yet I may technically fall into your mom who happens to be single as my son’s dad is a part of his life. But during the school year he only sees his dad 2 weekends a month and dad lives 2.5 hours from us. So every soccer game, boy scout meeting, running club meet, birthday party, parent teacher conference, etc, is me. I’ve been single for nearly 3 years and I’d say the hardest challenge is the first one you named. Doesn’t help that I have no network of sitters where I live so… Read more »
Amanda, I too have run into that issue. None of my family lives here, so my babysitter options are also very minimal. Many men do grow tired of having to wait several weeks to finally meet up just to grab dinner and a movie. Or even some, dissatisfied that I won’t allow them to take me out along w/ my daughter as I am very selective about who/what she is exposed to and especially before I’m ready for that type of interaction. Many have come and gone due to my limited accessibility, but at the end of they day, my… Read more »
I’m dating a single mom at the moment (I’m a single dad but probably closer to a dad who is single, I only have my kids 4 days a fortnight) and the biggest thing is simply somedays parenting is tougher than others (either on her or me). Go with the flow. If that means some nights you are just texting each other because something’s come up with the kids or you know she is bone tired, let her go to bed early and don’t think anything of it. You wouldn’t get upset if someone working two jobs doesn’t have much… Read more »
Thanks for reading my post Luke. It’s nice to see that a father can relate to it as well! I love the analogy you used as far as someone having two jobs. It really is the same thing. I think it’s just hard for those who aren’t parents to truly grasp that aspect. And I wholeheartedly agree that when you two are FINALLY able to get some alone time, then it’s spent wisely and totally focused on just the two of you! 🙂
We dads have the same issues, just mostly we aren’t allowed as much time with our kids so we usually have more alone time in the shared parenting arangment than the moms do. Strangely I have noticed a lot of single dads at the local pool getting back into shape during the week after work, yes me included. (Hint ladies if your trying to meet a single dad look to the local sport center for the slightly overweight men by themselves trying to put their lives and waistline back together, the ones I have met all seem like good decent… Read more »