Attorney Lori Barkus explains why equal time-sharing is in the best interest of the children of divorce.
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A parents separation or divorce may end their relationship, but parents must be encouraged to work together to ensure that both remain a part of their children’s lives.
Historically, courts favored mothers having “custody” and fathers having “visitation”. Courts began to recognize how damaging these labels are (and possibly unconstitutional) and lawmakers began rewriting custody laws to reflect the concept of time-sharing. States then began moving in the direction of shared parenting.
Although courts are becoming more receptive to shared parenting, not every court or Judge is on board. Judges must make custody decisions based on a “best interest of the child” standard. This phrase sounds comforting, but, since judges are not required to explain their decisions, many argue the standard is nebulous. Many Judges retain the belief that it’s preferable for children to have one primary residence. Although there is a plethora of research showing this is not the case, many remain unaware or unwilling to acknowledge it.
During Florida’s last legislative session, lawmakers passed an alimony reform bill that included a rebuttable presumption of equal timesharing, with the following exceptions:
- The safety, well being, and physical, mental, and emotional health of the child would be endangered by equal time-sharing
- Clear and convincing evidence of extenuating circumstances justify a departure from equal time-sharing with written findings justifying the departure.
- Incarceration
- The distance between residences makes equal time-sharing impracticable.
- A parent does not request at least 50-percent time-sharing.
- A permanent injunction has been entered or is warranted against a parent or household member.
- Domestic violence
Equal time-sharing never became law because Gov Rick Scott vetoed the bill. As a practicing family attorney, I have seen, all too often, children become pawns in their parents divorce. A shared parenting bill prevents the minimization of one parent, usually the father, from a child’s life. In many of these “every other weekend” scenarios, a child loses out on time with his/her father and 50% of the child’s extended family as well. Additionally, the lesser-earning parent opposes equal time-sharing because it will lower their monthly child support payment. A parent is then forced to try and “buy” time with his/her children, meaning that the parent pays full child support just to get the other parent to agree to equal time-sharing.
Child custody is not a gender issue. Ask any daughter who grew up without a father, any mother of a divorced son, any paternal grandmother, sisters of divorced brothers, stepmothers or others. Groups of women are now starting to assemble to change the system that hurts both them and our children. Leading Women for Shared Parenting (LW4SP) is such a group and I am proud to be a member. LW4SP has one cause: a rebuttable presumption of Equally Shared Parenting in Family Law. While such will help both women and men, we believe the voice of a group of strong women will be required to correct the messaging about current family law practices.
For years, womens’ groups have opposed shared parenting presumptions. What opponents fail to take into account is that presumptions are rebuttable. Presumptions provide a starting point, a leveling of the playing field, removing the winner takes all approach to child custody- a framework that is in no one’s best interest. There are some exceptional cases in which shared parenting is inappropriate or where one parent cannot spend equal time with the children, due to work or other reasons. A judge can order more or less time sharing if an equal time-sharing arrangement is truly detrimental or impossible. There are parents (fathers mostly, as 85% of custodial parents are currently mothers) who are able and willing to spend equal time with their children. No child should be denied the participation of two capable and loving parents and no parent should be forced to bargain for or purchase time with their children.
Parents are presumed equal during the marriage. What changed in the equality equation once the marriage ends? Children need and want both parents in their lives, not as visitors, but as active and equal participants. That’s why shared parenting is best for children.
Photo: Flickr/Lewisha1990
A consortium of 110 world experts from 15 countries have endorsed overnights and shared care for children of all ages. The Cameron/Clegg government came into office claiming to care about children and fathers’ access to their offspring post-divorce. The process by which it has gone about amending child custody laws amply demonstrates the opposite. The coalition government has burned much midnight oil, produced many reports and came up with the same old thing. The fictional shared parenting provision to be inserted into Children Act section 1 is a prescription for the status quo. Moreover, the unconvincing acceptance of the House… Read more »
I am a Family Justice Advocate\Activist working on Reforming our outdated, profoundly broken Family Law System – Our current system is not working in the Best Interest of the Child; it’s working in the Best Interest of the Divorce Industry, and as such; our existing Family Law System, a System put in place to help families when they are most vulnerable, has instead created a weapon of mass destruction, in it’s battle field known as Family Court. Senator Anne Cools states in an interview on The Arena with Michael Coren (http://www.sunnewsnetwork.ca/video/2480418099001) In this war, the “weapon of choice” is False… Read more »
Great article Lori. Aside from benefiting children, shared parenting is better for both parent’s long term mental wellness and financial success.
I do agree in general with everything you said. Every child needs both parents. As a counselor who has worked with children of divorce and coordinated divorce recovery groups for these children for 23 years, I have seen so many variables. That is why we have judges making these decisions, but I hate to see the decisions about children made by a judge who doesn’t know the family at all. The problems created for children by the divorce of parents are many. They wonder what they did to cause their families to split up. If they have equal time with… Read more »
Hi Jean, I appreciate your comments and do feel Parents should put the needs of their children first. That said, my experience is different from yours, and my perspective likewise. Having spent enough time building organizations that my joints hurt, I can unequivocally state that people will be both motivated and bounded by the system in which they operate. I’m confident you agree, we owe our children the absolute best we can give them and, in this particular sphere of public policy, I’m left with a few questions about the established system and if it is the best we can… Read more »
Lori, okay, something has been knowing at me since I read your article. As I mentioned, I’ve been involved in fathers /parents rights for many years now. Why is it you didn’t align yourself with any of these groups? Knowing many of these groups, I can tell you that they are not “good old boy” groups and I’ve seen countless instances where women have been proactive in the fight for custody. So it’s clearly not a situation where women are not welcome. In fact I would say that some of the fiercest have been women who are fighting for their… Read more »
Hi Tom, First I wanted to thank you for taking part in the discussion on this article. One of the things we certainly want to promote is more dialogue about shared parenting so comments are always welcome. I’ll now do my best to answer your question directly. My belief in equally shared parenting has formed over time. I’m not divorced, and have never had the personal experience of my family going through family court. However, as a practicing Family Law Attorney, I’ve seen countless cases of families going through the Courts and have concluded the Court is… Read more »
My only concern with this is that the Domestic Violence rule is going to cause a lot of Women to manufacture Domestic Violence in order to not do shared parenting. As we all know, the definition of violence is so low that just about any marital argument meets the definition of violence. All it is going to take is a mutual fight, where the man slams a door or raises his voice and 911 is called. We all know what happens next. This is then going to create the appearance of domestic violence getting worse which will then be blamed… Read more »
I think the concept is great and couldn’t agree more that both parents need to be equally involved. I think you would need to have both mom and dad so on the same page to make it work as well as it should and honestly if they are that great at working through things wouldn’t they still be together? In our household we have both scenarios. I have primary custody of my 4 kids with their Dad getting typical visitation. This has worked well for us. He has becomd a better dad for his kids and is more engaged in… Read more »
“A parent is then forced to try and “buy” time with his/her children, meaning that the parent pays full child support just to get the other parent to agree to equal time-sharing.” Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. My husband has paid extravagant child support for ten years, until the past year when we were nearly bankrupt due to the economy. (And then we paid half.) (What happens next year remains to be seen.) My stepson’s mother has four homes, and works occasionally. (My husband and I both work full time, and we pay monthly mortgage on one lowly house that… Read more »
When it comes to raising children, there are things that a woman can provide for their children that a father cannot, and there are things that a father can provide for their children that a mother cannot. This is the parental balance that every child needs and wants. Daughters that grow up without fathers spend their lives grasping onto any male figure to fill that role, and in essence they are trying to fill a void inside themselves. Children are not meant to be raised in a single parent home, that is why it takes two to create a life… Read more »
Bravo.
My research supports the benefits of shared parenting for children of divorce into adulthood. I have conducted three research studies and found an association between lowered self-esteem and loss of regular access to both parents for adult daughters of divorce. Linda Nielsen, a distinguished researcher, discovered that only 10-15% of dads and daughters enjoy the benefits of shared parenting after divorce. This articles does a wonderful job outlining the importance of shared parenting and I strongly support it as a member of Leading Women For Shared Parenting. Shared parenting reduces conflict between parents after divorce and improves the self-esteem and… Read more »
Isn’t all this obvious?
Everybody knows children get traumatised when there dads are taken away from them.
The only people that oppose shared parenting after divorce or separation are those with a vested interest in excluding one of the childrens’ parents. Ether pecuniary or ideological (ie: sexist). Heartless people that don’t care about the harm they cause to our most precious and valuable citizens .
Simon
I meant to say “commend” your efforts
With shared parenting, where mom and dad have the child 50% of the time, what provisions have been made for child support? I would presume that 50/50 means that dad and mom share the costs equally? Now, on another note. “The safety, well being, and physical, mental, and emotional health of the child would be endangered by equal time-sharing” … sounds good but we all know that the dad’s are often under the microscope and … here is a quick example of what happens. “This morning I got served papers for the protection order and was given 15 mins to… Read more »
As easy as it is to throw up your hands and say, this is how it is and it’s never going to change, we need re frame from doing so. We’ve all either been affected badly by family courts or have seen the corruption first hand, and this is why we need to make a stand for what is right and what is healthiest for our children, our future. Our nation is constantly morphing, and that is because of the people. That is the reasoning for the articles written, the rallies, shared stories, rights groups, activist, protest, petitions and the… Read more »
Tom, I am sorry to hear your are going through that. There will never be a law that is 100% perfect and addresses every situation. But we can do a lot better than the current system that we have. We need laws and policy that promote and encourage equal participation of both parents and which also provide for some leeway in situations that require it. There will still be conflict in some cases and those will have to be addressed by a judge, but the majority of cases will see far less conflict when both parents are on equal footing… Read more »
Lori, thank you for responding but I need to clarify. The scenarios/examples I mentioned were not mine personally. I’ve been involved in the fathers / parental rights movement for almost 30 years now. I simply sighted a couple of common examples to make my point. As you know, these are more common then uncommon and in many ways, nothing is happening. There are actually internet sites that coach women on how to get the kids and worse yet, how to utterly destroy fathers. I wish I’d saved every notice I received through the years of fathers that gave up and… Read more »
Tom, I appreciate your clarification. Yes, I agree that some progress is not enough, especially when it comes to a father’s right to full participate in his children’s lives. To clarify, I used the word “participate” because I believe that both parents should equally participate in their children’s lives- physically and financially- and that each parent is responsible for their children’s expenses when the child or children spend time with that parent. 50/50 timesharing may mean no child support and it may also mean decreased child support where there is a significant income discrepancy between the parents, usually in the… Read more »
While shared parenting is a feel good for the parents, something very important gets taken away from the children. A home. They have Mum’s house and Dad’s house. but not ‘their house’. I have seen first hand how disruptive it is to a child having to move house week after week. (Here in Australia it is generally week about). Could you imagine having to move house every week? If we are going to go the shared cared way and I think we should, It needs to be done with more permanency for the child. For me a more stable (for… Read more »
Drew, Thanks for sharing your perspective, but in fact, the literature clearly shows children are happier in such situations. To hear their perspective, here’s an article with the children commenting on the very subject you describe. http://www.thestar.com/life/health_wellness/2009/10/04/the_good_divorce.html “At first it took a little getting used to,” Shawn says. “Sometimes I would forget my bag or my guitar or skateboard, but my parents would drive me to pick them up. It’s actually a lot simpler than it looks.” “Living like this doesn’t really affect me,” says Joshua. “I have friends in both places and my parents will drive us anywhere we… Read more »
My kids were certainly unhappier. They had no stability and that alone was incredibly detrimental to them. If it works great. In that article you linked to I noticed this…. ‘It can also be harmful to children, she says. “More and more research is showing that kids actually need the stability and security of saying, `This is my home,’ as opposed to `These are my homes,'” Cross says’ and There have also been a couple of “horrific” shared custody judgments involving young children, such as the 4-year-old girl who was being forced to fly 1,200 kilometres every three weeks between… Read more »
Drew, I appreciate your frustration in how you feel your children were negatively impacted. Let me make a few points and ask a quick question. First, there’s a critical difference in what you posted from the article I shared and what I posted. What I posted were quotes from children, who weren’t advocating for anyone, but rather purely sharing their experience. What you posted was a comment from Pamela Cross, director of the National Association of Women and the Law. Second, when being initiated to Public Policy, one quickly learns the “perfect” policy that “works in every case” is a… Read more »
Terry, I think what would have worked best was a third ‘common’ house. This house would be the children’s home with my ex and I doing the moving in and out. Incredibly unpractical I must admit.
Drew, First thanks for the honesty and candor about your situation. The main argument I see you making and others is that kids are shuffled between homes living in a suitcase. But the problem with that argument is that many children are already shuffled in many current EOW and mid week day custody schedules. Many times if a move to equal/shared parenting is made the children actually go back and forth less. More researchers are also getting the opinions of grown children that lived in shared parenting situations, and from what I have seen the majority opinion is very positive.… Read more »
Thank you Lori for fighting for what is best for the children. Some parents tend to forget about these kids. It’s so important to put kids first. I agree with your statement here “Children need and want both parents in their lives, not as visitors, but as active and equal participants. That’s why shared parenting is best for children.” Thank you for all you do!
For years, womens’ groups have opposed shared parenting presumptions. What opponents fail to take into account is that presumptions are rebuttable. Presumptions provide a starting point, a leveling of the playing field, removing the winner takes all approach to child custody- a framework that is in no one’s best interest. This is something that is often conveniently when attacking men’s and father’s groups that bring this up. Often the claim is that they are pushing for male supremacy and trying to help abusive dads hurt moms via having access to children. In fact most of those men’s and father’s groups… Read more »
I HATE that courts disrespect the father’s rights. I can’t stand my Ex but I handed over primary custody to him specifically so the courts would not presume to take away his equal parenting rights.
My friends were pretty angry with me, tho. They couldn’t see my point of view, that even tho I was divorcing the man, his job as father was still sacred in my eyes. What can I say? I’m a feminist. I believe in equal rights, and that means fathers have equal rights to their children.
Thank you Lori for this balanced article.
Lori, You’re correct; there is no valid argument against a rebuttable presumption of equally shared parenting in Family Law as a plethora of research shows it lowers parental conflict and produces the best outcome for children of divorce. While its long been proven that women and men strongly support shared parenting in equal numbers, It’s amazing to see so many prominent women coming forth to support what is best for children and, as you rightly point out, what’s also best for themselves. When its implemented, millions of children will have the women these groups (Good Men Project, Leading Women for… Read more »
there is no valid argument against a rebuttable presumption of equally shared parenting in Family Law as a plethora of research shows it lowers parental conflict and produces the best outcome for children of divorce I agree with you, sir. Despite this fact, there is always reliable opposition against these equally shared parenting measures, usually in the form of local feminist groups and family law lobbies crying that such measures allow abusive men to continue to control and abuse their ex-partners and children and place a burden upon mothers. I know that mothers are not always the custodial parents, but… Read more »
Lori, it’s sad that the courts don’t see the benefits of shared parenting. If we want fathers to be more than protectors and providers, we have to support their right to equal time sharing.
Marie, the courts need to be better educated on the benefits of shared parenting. The overwhelming majority of the public supports it. Organizations such as the Good Men Project and Leading Women for Shared Parenting are making great strides in this important effort, and that work will continue.
Of course they ‘see the benefits’ of shared parenting; taking children away from the fathers is done on purpose! The less ‘visitation’ time the father has, the more money he pays and thus, the larger cut the judge and the entire corrupt system will get. That is how we have the current ‘dad gets 4 day per month while mom gets the other 27’. Exactly how is that fair? See Title V-D which explains how the federal government gives more money to the states for every dollar of child support ransomed from innocent fathers. It is beyond corrupt but nobody… Read more »