Shawn Maxam shares a story about his struggle with being faithful while having a psychotic break.
Marriage requires a special talent, like acting. Monogamy requires genius.
-Warren Beatty
*Originally Published March 2011.
It is a peculiar thing checking the divorced box on the Census, other mandatory government and employment documents. Very Scarlet letter. Marital failure due to infidelity. I had an affair while I was experiencing a manic episode which later became an acutely depressed episode.
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Sex for me involved emotional expression and connection to my partner.
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The whole thing was pretty epic. Especially the part where my ex-wife threw my cell phone at me in the hospital while I was recovering because I had spoken with my mistress at 4am. She was than banned from visiting by my doctor. God I was such a douchebag!
I felt guilty about engaging in behavior that I completely abhor and although my brain wasn’t being quite rational at the time I still take full responsibility. So here I am several years removed from that experience and I have all of these questions about the sustainability of my next partnership.
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The reality is that I’m a young guy. I’ve only cheated once in my life but that’s akin to saying I only went to prison once. I still f*$ked up. Now there are many reasons why men will cheat. Sex being reason one through five for myself. Of course it’s more nuanced than that. Sex for me involved emotional expression and connection to my partner. It’s how I was taught/conditioned to express love even though I could have sex with women I don’t love. Confusing right?
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Relationships are very difficult. Even the most well-intentioned, smartest and most determined individuals fail to make it work.
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Relationships are very difficult. Even the most well-intentioned, smartest and most determined individuals fail to make it work. So love is basically a game of Texas Hold’em Poker. You have some control over how you play the cards you’re dealt but chance and circumstance still have a huge say over the outcome. Now bipolar is the drunken uncle who surprisingly shows up and either ruins a card game going fairly well or totally accelerates the destruction of game already going poorly.
Promiscuity and a heightened libido are symptoms of mania. But aren’t those just symptoms of being a man as well? So my biological AND neurological tendencies are to spread the wealth when it comes to my family jewels. Sociologically this isn’t seen as a bad thing either. So my body, mind and society are all supportive of non-monogamous behavior. Damn! I actually believe in monogamy and prefer to be married. I think the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. But we compromise our beliefs everyday.
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I wonder aloud (figuratively of course) if I can do it. Should I even attempt it. I’m only going to be thirty. I can have kids and a wife at fifty if I want. I haven’t discussed yet how many women actually are negative triggers. Honestly when you’re in a relationship you’re also managing the emotions of your partner. And who is more emotional than a your spouse or partner? A bipolar person. So now you have the exciting prospect of managing your unstable emotions and the emotions of your wife or significant other. We also haven’t even introduced periods of emotional volatility experienced by you or your partner. If I remarry then what about the hormonal upheaval of pregnancy? Postpartum depression? Am I the only person asking myself these questions?
I don’t have the answers. Hopefully if you’re a man with a mental illness you’ll be lucky enough to find a really awesome and supportive person who understands and appreciates your dilemma.
P.S. None of my Bipolar male friends are monogamous at the moment. Those that are in relationships they tend to end very quickly.
UPDATE:
Today I am happily remarried. So a monogamous relationship was possible for me. I hope if it is your desire that if you are an individual living with a mental illness that you find a healthy lifelong commitment as well.
Read more from Shawn Maxam here.
Please share this with friends, enemies and temporary allies alike.
Thank you so much for reading, sharing and commenting.
R.I.P. SKH
Flickr image via by peasap
About S. Maxam
Excellent post, good consideration of social and psychological contradictions between impulses and what is and is not acceptable. Also impressive that you still take responsibility for your actions…very life-affirming, actually
Thanks. yeah it was quite difficult initially to be self-accountable but it makes things easier. Trying to ask questions on what’s possible as a man? I really appreciate your wonderful comment Jess.
Hi, I really liked your artical but it really made me discouraged. You see, I used to be dating this guy, he had bi polar and a few other mental issues he trying to figure it out. I’m still his friend and here for him and we are building up our relationship to try dating again when he is ready for the commitment. I am working with his mom to find out more information about why he is the way he is and what will help him and what doesn’t. He loves me and wants me back but we know he isn’t ready yet, no matter how much I love him too and accept and trying to help him. But your artical made me feel like there is no hope for us no matter what. Now i don’t know what to think.
I can only speak from my specific experience so I don’t want to say to give up on your relationship. I know that every person is different and hopefully this guy can become as healthy mentally and emotionally so he can be a great partner to you if that is what you both desire. Good luck.
I am a 61 year old woman who has been spending a great deal of time with a man over the past two years spending weekends a his home and going out on his boat up the Hudson, and also he has taken me on one 7 day cruise to the carribean, he is a very generous man. He has always said to me don’t fall in love with me I’m the devil, well I just blew that off thinking it was a joke. He on many occasions mentioned his past as he would call them his “Angels” I wasn’t happy with hearing but dealt with it. Well up until the 14th of Nov 2011 he suddenly called it off with a phone call saying he has to be free and while he’s able screw numerous women. He also said he wants to do an 18 year old. In the two years we’ve been together there has never been a cross word said, now he treats me like I’m nobody. I have two grandboys who have gone out on his boat and really came to like him. How does one explain what he did?
I’m sorry Rosemary that your relationship ended and that it was terminated in such a poor manner. I don’t think anyone can explain why he did what he did.
Our motivations are our own. I think in the future you can just try to be mindful of how people are treating and what they are saying to you. Both of these things seem to match. At times your partner seemed confused.
I hope you find someone special again.
Excellent observation and thoughtful article.
But promiscuity and bipolar disorder are not mutually exclusive. Many things can contribute to promiscuity and cheating, and bipolar disorder is just one of many.
signed,
an always-monogamous guy living with it (b.p.)
Steve
Totally agree Steve. thanks for reading and commenting.
I have an answer for Rosemary. Some people don’t understand that actions speak so much louder than words. That guy thought he had given you fair warning with his words even though his actions told an entirely different story. So common with guys, too. A guy tells you he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend and then he’s in the clear to sleep with you. And the other side of that coin is that people tend to only hear the message they want to hear. “he said he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, but then he slept over so…”
Great article! I think marriage is truly an on-going struggle that takes consistent work and maintenance. My marriage is the thing I’m most proud of in my life. If both partners are equally committed to making it work, it is incredibly rewarding and the “work” seems a lot more like fun.
As far as attraction is concerned, remember this: it’s not a moment, it’s momentum.
The lesson: nip it in the bud before it becomes an avalanche that will consume you and everything you’ve worked so hard for.
Congratulations on having the guts to stand up and … blame your shitty behaviour on something other than yourself. Must have been awful, bipolarity sneaking up on you and robbing you of all free will like that.
I’d have been much more impressed if you’d just said, “I was a prick. I’m sorry and I won’t do it again.” *That* would constitute taking responsibility for your actions. But that just isn’t fashionable these days, is it?
It’s possible too, that “bipolar disorder” and a bit o’promiscuity are historically specific, and symptoms of how we really are. Just sayin’.
Shawn, thanks so much for bringing this issue out to the forefront. It’s very important for people to
know that when someone is experiencing a hypomanic or manic episode some of the primary things that generally happen are; your inhibitions become severely lowered, your judgement becomes extremely impaired and your sex drive dramatically increases. In some instances it’s like going on automatic pilot and the person may have very little to no control. I remember clearly when I first started getting episodes of hypo-mania in the mid late 90′s. When I would experience these mixed rushes of increased energy, hyper-sexuality and irritability I felt like I was turning into the wolf man or some other fictional character. Looking back I know now that I caused a lot of pain not only to myself but to my partner that I was with at the time. I certainly didn’t have any understanding as to what was happening to me let alone any control of it. I felt like I was being driven like a robot to reckless behaviors. It was a very awful experience as these urges would hit my mind out of the clear blue sky and I would keep going until I ran out of energy which sometimes wasn’t for extended periods of time. As a fellow Man
of Color living with Mental Illness in America the path to acknowledgment, acceptance and understanding of having a mental illness for me has been that much more difficult due to our community’s historic disdain, stigmatization and dismissive attitudes towards people with Mental
Illness. Thank God for those of us who are managing to find our way despite all of the obstacles that we face in coming to terms with our mental health challenges. People like yourself are helping to bring change to that by assisting us in becoming clear that we like anyone else can be affected by Mental Illness and that if we at all can (depending how ill we may be) have both the right and the responsibility to try and do something about it. Bless you Shawn for the work that you do. You inspire me. Keep Shinning. Much Love, Miguel!