Shawn Maxam explains how listening more and talking less is the basis for everyone really being heard.
Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.
-Doug Larson
I think people overestimate how eloquent they actually sound. Generally people ramble when they speak. This is because the internal dialogue they should be having inside their head is happening out loud. So instead of making a point they just make a bunch of dull statements. We assume that other people will “get it” when say something. Just because you know what you are trying to say doesn’t mean I have the slightest clue.
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When you over-talk people start to dislike you. It is just a fact. Most of us don’t have wonderful soothing or comforting voices like Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones.
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When you over-talk people start to dislike you. It is just a fact. Most of us don’t have wonderful soothing or comforting voices like Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones. So if the tone of your voice doesn’t naturally put people at ease then why are you still talking? Below is a short list I written from the tools I have use to learn to be more effective at listening and really have a dialogue with others. At a same attempting to improve and get better I would love to see any additional tips and techniques in the comment section.
- Be comfortable with awkward silences. It gives others the opportunity to speak especially shy talkers.
- Preface your statements with a caveat that it is okay if the person/audience may not understand you.
- Be comfortable with disagreement. During a discussion the issue doesn’t need to be resolved in only a manner you see fit.
- Concentrate on listening. You probably aren’t as good of a listener as you think you are. So focus on people’s words, tone and body language.
- Don’t fall in love with sound of your own voice.
- Just stop talking. I once heard a great story about John Coltrane who loved to take really long solos. When Miles Davis told him no wanted to hear him solo for 20 straight minutes. Coltrane replied that he had so many ideas and didn’t know how to stop playing. Miles said just take the damn horn out of your mouth. Essential just stop talking. Practice some transitions for being quiet.
I believe issues of language and communication are essential in developing muscular empathy. It is our inability to be precise and concise when we speak that prevents others from really hearing us. I even have a tendency to over-speak, babble and ramble. If we focus too much on what we to say instead of paying attention than we are just pretending to engage. Listening effectively is the best method to transcend the personal tendency to interpret the world from only your individual perspective. And a lack of perspective is a dangerous thing.
Please share this with friends, enemies and temporary allies alike.
Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting!
R.I.P. SKH
About S. Maxam
Good post. I certainly have problems with my mental shorthand racing ahead of my ability to stay “on message”, i.e., within the established flow of the conversation.
Lots of musicians discuss the significance of notes not played. It’s as important to learn the notation for rests as it is for notes.
As for your tools, I’d like remind people not to confuse a mellifluous voice with wisdom or goodness. I’d like to imagine that Morgan Freeman is a great guy to talk with unscripted, but I don’t know.
One that I would add is simply “Don’t be a dick.” Plenty of guys indulge in verbal one-upmanship whether we want to admit it or not. (I don’t necessarily mean “the dozens” or relentless, ritualized competitive bragging and putdowns, although I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on that.) I’m thinking of when that insecure guy lifts himself up with putdowns on his victim, or when the volume level gets turned up, or the aggressive I’m-right-you’re-wrong-I-get-the-last-word stance is adopted (complete with fallacy-ridden arguments). Even a short, cheap aside is a great way for guys to swing their dicks and impress the simple-minded.
Pedro I totally agree with this here “As for your tools, I’d like remind people not to confuse a mellifluous voice with wisdom or goodness.”
Just because someone has “nice” voice doesn’t mean they are saying anything of substance.
I also agree with your sentiment that people refrain from being jerks and one-upmanship. It is very true that a lot of guys engage in this behavior. They just want to be right and believe by being really loud and aggressive that they’ll convince you that they are.