Shawn Maxam lives with Bipolar Disorder and has No Shame.
Men are no more immune from emotions than women; we think women are more emotional because the culture lets them give free vent to certain feelings, “feminine” ones, that is, no anger please, but it’s okay to turn on the waterworks.
-Una Stannard
My name is Shawn Maxam and I have No Shame.
Being a Black man in America is difficult. Being a Black man in America with Bipolar Disorder can be unbearable. There’s a lot of emotional baggage that comes with being a Black man in this country. We still get harassed by law enforcement, we are disproportionately represented in the prison population and more of us die (via each other’s hands) annually than US military personnel do overseas.
Now from a macro perspective that’s a lot of shit to carry. This doesn’t include whatever specific issues each individual is faced with. Now I’ve been homeless, physically abused, my brother has been murdered, I’ve been divorced and the police have pointed guns in my face but nothing compares to having Bipolar.
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This mood disorder lives inside me! Lives with me and follows me wherever I go. Sometimes I think people forget that I have an actual medical condition. I have to take medication every day. I need pills to function just at a level that will keep me out of a psychiatric ward or a graveyard.
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All of those things are external incidents. This mood disorder lives inside me! Lives with me and follows me wherever I go. Sometimes I think people forget that I have an actual medical condition. I have to take medication every day. I need pills to function just at a level that will keep me out of a psychiatric ward or a graveyard.
Black men aren’t allowed to be emotional. You’re considered a bitch, soft or a punk if you show any emotion besides anger. If you’re a Black man who is self-aware and educated than you’re not even afforded the luxury of being angry or upset ever! Look at President Obama. He has to maintain the cool, calm and collected facade because he’s a Black man in the world’s most powerful position and yet he still gets compared to Hitler.
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Society states that there’s nothing more emasculating than a man being unable to control his emotions. A man should be a Spock like individual comprised of only logic and reason. That’s how men are supposed to be. So how does a person who suffers from a MOOD disorder, an illness that inhibits their emotional control, encompass this persona?
When can I cry? Or feel disappointed, frustrated or upset? If I wanted to I would have a perfect excuse. Would anyone blame the epileptic who has a seizure or the diabetic who faints from low blood sugar? But the Bipolar Black man can’t show any negative emotion or even too much positive emotion.
If I’m too emotional people worry I’m having an episode. If I’m not emotional enough than I’m being a stereotypical man who is insensitive. WTF am I supposed to do? Sigh.
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My name is Shawn Maxam and I have No Shame.
Please visit www.thesiweproject.org to share your stories or to hear others’ accounts of their battles with mental illness. Check out @thesiweproject on twitter, hashtag #NoShame.
Please share this with friends, enemies and temporary allies alike.
Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting!
R.I.P. SKH
About S. Maxam
Deep!
Thanks for reading. I hope to get deeper with part 2.
Black Men have suffered with this illness for more years then one can count. Back in the day they use to lock him up in the back room and say it’s nothing but the devil in. Remember uncle on soul food
I agree and I believe we need more Black men to come forward and tell their story. Thanks for reading and commenting Kenneth.
You hit the nail on the head.
Thank you. I appreciate you sharing the sentiment.
Your last paragraph really sold it for me. “If I’m too emotional people worry I’m having an episode. If I’m not emotional enough than I’m being a stereotypical man who is insensitive. WTF am I supposed to do? Sigh.”
I know that feeling and I still don’t know how to find that balance. Most of the time I just talk to myself when nobody’s around and that sometimes helps. Shoot, when I get too emotional people think I’m either about to explode and burn something down or that I’m being pathetic. When I’m closed off people ask me if anything’s wrong or tell me I should be more honest/open/whatever. I tell ya, can’t win for losing and can’t even for trying.
Thank you Zek. I just checked out your blog and was wondering if you would like to write a guest post describing your emotional journey/experience. I think the more stories told and shared the more emphatic conversation we can generate.
Wow, that’d be great! I’d be honored to contribute! Let me get started and I’ll send a piece to you soon =)
Looking forward to it Zek. Your work is fantastic.
Thanks for sharing. You’re a very brave and wonderful man for shedding the light on such a debilitating condition. I suspect that my ex-husband is suffering from the same condition. I encouraged him to seek medical and professional help, but he insisted that “he was not crazy”, and he did not want to be perceived as “being crazy”. I couldn’t convince him that this is a “medical condition and it requires “medical treatment”. But most importantly, his condition is in no way a reflection on his manhood or his “worth” as an individual. My younger brother “suffers” from this condition, and he’s adamant about taking his medication,. My brother knows that he can call me anytime,day or night, when he just needs to “talk”. After we finish one of our “heart to heart” conversations, I always remind him “That I Love You”, and his reply is always: “Sis, I Love You More”, this just makes my day. I am truly sorry and disappointed that my ex-husband, ( 23 years of marriage), did not seek professional help. In the meantime I will continue to be “a life long friend”, and person he can call night or day, “just in case” he needs a pair of shoulders to help him keep steady. As fellow human being and as the father of “our” daughter, he deserves this much from me. Because the bottom line is this: “We all need love, compassion and understanding. Mr. Maxam, I will be praying for you and your family.
Ms. Jay your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated.
Oftentimes the individual with the mental illness has to make a choice to engage in self care. I think the way you have approached the situation with your husband is very healthy and kind. How is your daughter doing and feeling about all of this?
Shawn you are a brave man. I am a father of a bipolar son who committed suicide. I am now after 5 years writing his stories and like you I know how many challenges he faced but in the end he chose the other world. I am now sharing his writings and it will definitely interest you. These stories have not finished by any means. I am going along slowly. you will love them. There are 5-6 of them on the link I am providing you.
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/bilafond
These are some wonderful stories you have shared about your son Bilafond. Could you email me: shawnmaxam @ gmail dot com
I would love the opportunity to reprint and reshare one of your stories. I believe these stories are important and very powerful.
Wow, I now, after soo many years of being in denial about what has been going on, accept the fact that it is what it is! I’ve had alot of trauma in my life, and some maybe even self-inflicted, but nonetheless, trauma! I’m also understanding that there are alot of ” Normal people” in the world that suffers from this, possibly deadly disease.