Shawn Maxam explains how being “normal” with the aid of medication has taken away the advantages of being Bipolar.
Creativity – like human life itself – begins in darkness.
-Julia Cameron
ARCHIVED POST: Originally written summer 2011
The collapse of my talent bridge has been catastrophic ever since I have gone baseline (aka psychologically normal) because of the daily medications I take for survival. As an artist, of the mentally unhinged persuasion, you can either die a physical death or a metaphysical death where your creative inspiration goes kaput.
I have spoken to many individuals like myself who struggle with mental illness and who are now in a “stable” place. There are many side-effects to taking psychotropic drugs yet the a major side-effect that is rarely discussed is the lost of your creative self. I’m not arguing that only sleeping for two hours a day while spending the other twenty-two writing a whole book of poetry or composing an album worth of songs is healthy or sustainable. But problematic as though these artistic marathons of activity may be they do become the norm and the daily reality for the bipolar artist. The inability to access the well that watered your artistic ambitions especially when your art is what defines you is very jarring to your sense of self. It’s akin to the photographer who loses his sight or the composer who loses his hearing. I would argue the medication induced loss is far more traumatic because technically one is still in possession of the tools that were used to create the art you dearly love.
The list of artists with some form of mental illness who have lost their lives (mainly by their own hands) is long. Here are just a few:
David Foster Wallace
Virginia Wolf
Sylvia Path
Vincent Van Gogh
Ernest Hemingway
Paul Hunter Thompson
Kurt Cobain
Ryunosuke Akutagawa
I haven’t written a poem into four plus months. I haven’t played guitar and composed a song in over half a year. I have scripts for short films that need my attention. I am still getting use to actually having to work at being creative. My faucet of ideas is barely leaking anymore. The only reassuring aspect of this whole ordeal is that I know I am not the first and won’t be the last bipolar artist to have to confront this issue. If you’re in a similar boat as I am in how do you deal with the stop-gap in your creative juices flowing?
Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament a book by Kay Redfield Jamison discusses the issue of mental illness and creativity with interesting clarity. I highly recommend it.
Please share this with friends, enemies and temporary allies alike.
Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting!
R.I.P. SKH
Image by Kauserali via Wikipedia
About S. Maxam
Understand where you’re coming from, but would have to disagree. I have schizoaffective disorder and medication has allowed me for the first time to concentrate on things other than my illness. I’ve written one novel and am a 100 pages into a new one. Meds take a while to work, side effects to fade, and adjustments to be integrated. Personally, I’d rather live an attenuated life than one of complete disorganization and early death.
“Personally, I’d rather live an attenuated life than one of complete disorganization and early death.”
Totally agree with the above and in the long-term it is healthy to be medicated. As you said it takes time and it took me awhile to adjust to the new way of tapping into my creative self.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for keeping this thread alive. Yes, meds take time, yes stabilization takes time to get used to but when I’m looking at 7 years now medicated and I’m reminded of my past prolificness, I still get frustrated at the walls I hit and way it feels so forced sometimes. I’ve committed to this normalization path, at least for now. And yes, Thomas, I too create better (when I do) than I ever did in a manic episode because I couldn’t concentrate before. I questions my label as artist. I question whether I have what it really takes. I question a lot when I’m not creating in a way that feels the same as it used to.
http://thedailybipolar.blogspot.com/2010/11/creativity.html
But I have adjusted as well. If I really want to create, I know I just have to do it rather than expect the urge to come from within all the time. That means overriding my intense left brain. I’ve been thinking about doing morning pages again (from Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way) but I’m even lame in that.
Shawn, I love the last bit where you ask us to share. That is one of the most creative things I do. I write for the sake of giving to other people. I sculpt to offer myself to others. I find I am more useful to others than to myself anyway so what the hell. Thanks for writing and keeping it going.
Thanks Meredith I am glad the piece spoke to you and I hope you continue to sculpt and write as well. It is a wonderful thing you do by sharing your talents with the world.
Thanks for sharing your story and the link as well.
Thanks Shawn.
Hey I came across your blog by chance. I used to think like you and it made me hold on to the dark hole I was living in for a long time. My thinking has changed now. I don’t think insanity is what’s behind creativity, I think it’s the SUFFERING that often accompanies it. A person who suffers is motivated to question life more than others. Has more challenges that are in themselves inspirational. Can understand others cause he himself has been through it… Suffering is a deeper experience of life in general, it gives perspective and provokes thoughts and depth. Mental illness gets your mind out of control and can be an obstacle cz a person needs to be in a state of awareness to identify a great idea at its inception and not let it just pass with all the other thoughts. I don’t know the effect of drugs, I did my best to resist taking them when I suffered of depression and anxiety. But I really encourage you to think positively and wait for the ideas to come, many healthy people are very creative too. Good luck!!
Shawn thanks for this post. I have experienced a similar thing in my work in making vlogs. Prior to me starting medication for my illness – (I have Schizoaffective Disorder Bi Polar Type II) I would create the most compelling projects. Now that the Depression is under control I struggle at times to produce material that in my opinion measures up to what I did previously. I must say however that to live as I do now compared to wanting to die almost every day I most surely would choose now. Once again I totally understand and I agree with what you are saying, however, I’d much rather not feel suicidal all the time. I am currently attempting to adjusting to my new normal – a life that doesn’t include wishing to die on a daily basis and using that pain to be the creative juice needed to fuel my work.