Shawn Maxam talks about the gift and the curse of living with Bipolar Disorder
An excellent man, like precious metal, is in every way invariable; A villain, like the beams of a balance, is always varying, upwards and downwards.
-John Locke
There is a raging homicidal manic living inside me. Sometimes it overwhelms me with euphoria and at other times its weapon of choice is sadness.
Each side is the inverted opposite of the other. The “pretty face” is quite attractive, alluring, charismatic and engaging.
It can kill you while you’re still very young and can be remembered as a person who had great potential or you live long enough to amass a vast number of friends and accomplishments where those who loved you vilify you or the disease that made you take your life.
The “ugly face” is the Siamese twin who occupies the same mind, body and spirit. Despair and hopelessness is crushingly common when this face arises.
But as I have said in the past only I can save myself. I could remain a victim or wallow in self-pity which is what the villain wants me to do. It plays to its strengths and exacerbates my weaknesses.
Some individuals believe they can use both sides of the villain when it is advantageous. The darkness of the ugly side can inspire one immensely and has been the fueling catalyst for some of our most creative minds. The beautiful face gives you the ability to share these talents publicly. But the cognitive dissonance and paradoxical nature of both of these sides eventually wears on you until either half dominates and eventually collapses the whole person.
“Either you die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” - Harvey Dent
This quote can be applied to the personification of bipolar. It can kill you while you’re still very young and can be remembered as a person who had great potential or you live long enough to amass a vast number of friends and accomplishments where those who loved you vilify you or the disease that made you take your life.
The David Foster Wallace Post: How Creativity Killed The Cat
Waiting for Superman: But only you can save yourself!
Please share this with friends, enemies and temporary allies alike.
Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting!
R.I.P. SKH
About S. Maxam
I’ve always felt a kinship between me and Harvey Dent. And my moods are just about as random as the outcome of that coin he flips. My hero has been slowly dying and people aren’t ready to acknowledge that I’ve been harboring a villain for all of these years. I thank you for this post. It helps me know that I’m not alone.
You are welcome Nikki and I’m glad the you have been able to overcome the darkness of your villain so far. You are not alone. Always remember that. Thank you reading and thank you for your honest comment.
Holy s**t, I can’t help but feel that when you write, you’re looking into my very soul!
Well I am glad bobbt that you feel like our experiences are very similar. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Thanks for writing about this very difficult topic!
My husband had a very close friend (bipolar, alcoholic, abusive and very controlling) up until last year (when I finally had to call a time out….his friend was trying to get in between me and my husband and luring him away from family life and into a bar)….We knew this friend for 16+ years (in fact, he and his 2nd wife lived with us for 4.5 months!) but he got worse after his wife got closer and closer to her due date with their first child….My husband and I were as supportive as we could be and tried to accept him while aware of his weaknesses, but he just kept pushing our boundaries….I’m still in shock that his friend was willing to give up a long close friendship just because he didn’t want to apologize to me for his transgressions (believe me, there were many!)…..Toxic buddy!