Shawn Maxam admits he does get scared from time to time.
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
-Nelson Mandela
Fear is one of those emotions that I have never heard my dad acknowledge. For a long time I assumed men didn’t feel fear. Eventually, I realized that of course men feel fear. We are human beings after all. My next struggle was actually saying the words “I am afraid” out loud. Being scared is somehow thought to be incompatible with masculinity. This is utter bullsh*t. Yet I bought into this belief for a long time. Next week I am starting graduate school. To be honest I am really afraid. Not just nervous or anxious but afraid. It feels empowering to say this. But I think more importantly is my willingness to share my feelings of fear with my friends and family. Men are taught to only share emotions like anger and happiness. To disprove the myth that men don’t experience the spectrum of emotions I decided I had to open about my feelings. The following is a email I shared with all the people in my personal life.
Hello friends, relatives and colleagues:
I just want to send out a message about the upcoming two years of my life but most importantly the next few months. As you all know after a five year hiatus I am returning to graduate school next week. To be honest I am afraid. Not because I don’t think I can’t handle the rigors of school but because this is the first major undertaking since my diagnosis with bipolar disorder.
I know my illness will be both a blessing and a curse during this process but there is still a ton of stigma in the world. The compassion and understanding you all have given me over the last five years probably won’t be afforded me in the academic environment and professional world. There is an immense amount of pressure I feel to succeed but I still have to remain healthy so I want to ask a huge favor of you.
Please forgive me if it seems like I’m absent from your life for the next few years. Beside going to school twice a week and doing my internship twice a week. I have to see my therapist bi-weekly, my new psychiatrist monthly and still be present husband to my new wife Kijan. I say all this to say I will be very busy. Busier than I have ever been in over half a decade.
Since I am only human I know I will neglect other responsibilities and people in my life. So if you call me, email me or text me and I don’t return the contact promptly please forgive. If I don’t show up to an event you have planned or I forget to wish you a birthday please forgive me. If I break a promise or forget to fulfill a favor please forgive me.
I know I will be overwhelmed in the upcoming months. I know we all are busy and some of us are better at managing our time and multiple responsibilities. But I have a disability that puts me in the hospital if I am not careful. So I just want be open about this struggle beforehand.
I use to feel like I lost five years of my life but now I know it just took me five years for me to learn how to live healthy. I love you all very deeply and you mean a lot to me. So just give me the benefit of the doubt and I apologize for the future disappointments I will cause you. Be well, wish me luck and speak soon.
Thanks for your understanding and support.
Your friend,
Shawn.
Please share this with friends, enemies and temporary allies alike.
Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting!
R.I.P. SKH
Flickr image By Vincepal
About S. Maxam
Shawn, your blogs are like an oasis of water in the middle of the desert. It is absolutely priceless for me to be able to connect with another man of color who is able to address and embrace a part of his life that so many of us with similar struggles fight so hard to keep hidden away. I remember very clearly the first time that I saw another man of color share his struggles with mental illness. It was at the College that I was attending at the time in one of my classes during a period when the professor asked everyone to stand up and introduce themselves. I was absolutely floored and at the same time I was extremely relieved because here was someone else who was a male – who looked like me – and he was having a similar experience . I really wanted to just weep.
Black Men to my knowledge and experience up until that point weren’t known to do this. It was that day that my own cage of shame was unlocked. It was a progressive climb for me however. Each year thereafter, (this was in 2006 – I was diagnosed in with Mental Illness officially in 1997 but had been experiencing symptoms of Mental Illness since I was a small child), I learned more and more and as I became more comfortable with myself I too eventually began to share with others in hopes of helping someone else along their journey.
When sharing I always try to consider each situation carefully as to; how I share, when should I share and how much I should share when I feel that sharing is the thing to do. Every response to my sharing has not been a good one. In fact some have even been tragic. The majority of my family shunned me immediately after I disclosed following a very long period of depression in which I didn’t communicate with them for nearly three years. It was a most devastating experience.
What I learned from that experience was that I loved myself enough to embrace my truth and that if I had that self love though it hurt me I could find the strength to keep moving forward – and I did just that. I’ve since been blessed with an amazing community of friends, both real time and online, with whom I am able to share and exchange lots of love and support. Many of my new found friends are like extended family members. Many of them are members of Mental Health Communities and some are not. In the midst of that I have been fortunate enough to have found your blog and for that I am very grateful. I wish you all the best in your return to classes for I know that if any one can do it you most certainly can. Much Love and Many Blessings, Miguel!