Obviously, I am obsessed with sex and the politics of sex. I spend large chunks of my day staring at arguments about sex, kink, and gender. Equally immoderate chunks of my night are spent writing about those things. Sometimes, I even have sex. I think it’s serious business. But I have a dark, secret heart hiding under my patriarchy-smashin’ words and thoughts. For reasons I don’t understand and can’t explain, I’m very seriously disposed to long-term, committed monogamy. Recently, and even more depressingly, that monogamy has been with hetereosexual cis men. I am the worst and most boring sexual revolutionary.
Thankfully, even this identification is something that can still get you into fights as long as you call it “demisexuality.” Haven’t heard of it? It’s the orientation that’s sweeping the nation! Or, rather, the social justice blogosphere, Tumblrverse and other non-locations. It’s sexy! It’s exciting! It’s controversial and people are angry about it!
Demisexuals are those who “do not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone,” and it is “more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships.” This is the definition I’ve heard most often, and it’s the definition I’m going to use. In fact, it’s the definition I do use. I identify pretty strongly as demisexual which is where my problems begin.
Charles wrote a post about the internet giving us new words and identifications. That post is partially about me, because within the last year, I came across the term and immediately saw myself in it. I’d been trying to explain my experience of desire to Charles for months, and there it was, written in someone else’s hand. It was a revelation. I was finally able to actually succinctly explain who I am and what I feel. It’s important to me and it’s a term that makes my history and behavior make sense.
So, I care about demisexuality and want to defend it from detractors for myself and for other demisexuals, but also because I think the arguments being leveled against it are bad and wrong. So let’s look at some of those, shall we?
Demisexuality Is Fake
The common anti-demisexual argument is that demisexuality is not a real “thing,” is not a special or interesting enough to be worthy of distinction, or is just an attempt to “queer the straights.” This queering would allow heteros and normies access to the sweet, delicious queerness that is so coveted in feministy and social justice circles, despite those hets being unsexy, normative lamers.
This post from Thought Catalog does a pretty good job of phrasing these arguments if you’d like to read them from the horse’s mouth. I think they’re pretty wrongity-wrong.
McDonovan comments that “demisexual people are confused” about what “demisexual” means and use many conflicting definitions. Zie seems to suggest that demisexuality isn’t a thing worth talking about because it’s an identity that lacks a consistent definition. Ignoring the fact that terms like “genderfluid” don’t have consistent definitions almost on purpose, this is still a pretty vacuous argument. Because there sure do exist standard definitions of the word. And if people are using conflicting definitions it says nothing about the veracity of the identification and everything about the lifecycle of a term that is still under discussion. Also, this shouldn’t be news but sometimes people on the internet play fast and loose with their words. Maybe they’re confused, maybe they’re inarticulate, maybe they’re not actually demisexuals, maybe they’re part of a vast cabal that’s trying to discredit demisexuality. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter because none of that means there’s no such thing as a demisexual.
The next issue McDonovan finds with demisexuality is that “most of the population” fits the fairly accurate definition zie has managed to scrounge from the conflicting ones. This notion that demisexuality is broad enough that everyone fits betrays a serious misunderstanding about the kind of feelings demisexuality describes. There is, or can be, a difference between being sexually attracted to a person and actually wanting or being willing to have sex with them. You can say “I’m attracted to you but I wouldn’t actually want to have sex with you,” and demisexuality lives inside this distinction.
I think it’s likely that many, even most Americans would only have sex with people they feel emotionally connected to. I think that’s a fair assessment. But it isn’t a description of demisexuality. Demisexuality is about desire and arousal, not just sex and who you do it with. It’s not merely that I’m only interested in having sex with people that I love, it’s also that I feel a complete absence of desire or sexual feelings toward everyone else. Ever. What makes me demisexual is that absence. What makes me demisexual is that I’ve only ever been sexually attracted to three people in my whole life. My partner is sexually attracted to that many people during particularly sexy bus rides. And you can tell me that most of the population is like me, but I just don’t think you’re right.
And, luckily, I have evidence backing my belief. Namely, porn. If most of the population were demisexual, there would not be pornography, at least not like there is now. One of the reasons why I knew I was demisexual is that I have never been aroused, in the slightest, by pornography or erotica, even if the porn was high quality and/or of stuff I like. I can’t think of strangers sexually in a way that affects me. It just doesn’t work. But porn wouldn’t exist if people weren’t stimulated by images of strange people doing naked things. Not to mention the tremendous number of images of sex and sexuality in the media. If everyone were demisexual, sex wouldn’t sell. But it does. As such, not only is demisexuality an orientation, but it’s an orientation distinct from the way most people experience sex and desire.
But, let’s take a step back for a moment and let’s imagine that the confusion is true. Let’s imagine that the word “demisexual” really does mean “a person who experiences desire the same way as almost everyone in the world.” That doesn’t actually invalidate the word in any way. In fact, I argue that we’d still need and use it. We need it like we need “heterosexual” and “cisgendered.” We need words that precisely describe the norm just as much as we need precise descriptions of deviations from that norm. If we accept this, then claims of demisexuality are safe from labels of “queering the straights” or “special snowflaking.” Even in its most debased form, the word remains valid and a useful identification. Again, I do think that the word is more clear and specific than that debased definition, but the point is it’s never not useful.
Being Demisexual is Not Being LGBT
I’ve seen some folks get angry at notions that demisexuals might try to claim LGBT/queer identities for themselves, and even might invade and “invalidate” LGBT/queer spaces.
There are things that I agree with in this argument, and things that I don’t. I want to be careful. First of all, asexuals and people on the asexuality spectrum are literally not necessarily LGBT. You can be a straight (or heteroromantic) asexual. This isn’t particularly controversial. But I do think that LGBT organizations and movements and sex-pos organizations and movements should strive to better include asexuals and people on the asexuality spectrum. So, that means demisexuals should be included, too. This is doubly true because one can very easily be a demisexual queer. Like Your Humble Editor.
It’s also true that demisexuality has to do with how and when you desire, while being queer often has to do with who you desire. And those are two different things. And maybe sometimes two different things get to have two different spaces. Maybe queer spaces, depending on what they’re trying to accomplish, shouldn’t necessarily feel pressure to include heterosexual or heteroromantic demisexuals. I think that might actually be okay. What isn’t okay is the anger with which these demisexuals are excluded and the derision that accompanies it. Demisexuals also have few spaces of their own, which is unfortunate. But these are problems that can be solved. For now, though, I will merely state that the relationship between LGBT people and asexual spectrum people is one that’s fraught and could stand to be improved.
Demisexuals Are Not Oppressed
The last common complaint about demisexuals and demisexuality is that demisexuals claim that their sexuality is an axis of oppression. McDonovan’s post and this Womanist Musings post angrily, but pretty effectively, make this argument.
And, perhaps shockingly, I agree. I do not experience “demisexual oppression.” No one has ever reacted to it with hatred or disgust. In the four years I’ve been demisexual, I have not even had it get in the way of my finding fulfilling and happy sexual relationships. I’d be very interested to hear other demisexuals explain why they feel their sexuality causes them oppression, but I find it absent in my own life. The mistake demisexuality’s detractors make
is that they take wrong or mistaken claims of demisexual oppression and transform them into notions that demisexuality is itself somehow bad, stupid, useless, or fake.
The fact that demisexuals aren’t oppressed doesn’t mean demisexuality is uncomplicated, though. It’s strange, and sometimes actually difficult to be a demisexual in a more-sexual world. For example, I wonder what it’s like to be a demisexual searching for a partner. Does OkCupid even work for demisexuals? Will people think you’re leading them on, being a bitch, or a cocktease, or that your standards are just too high? I don’t know, but it seems like a tight spot to be in.
These difficulties multiply in feminist and sex positive spaces. I intend to talk about this in much greater detail later. For now, though, I’ll leave off with an example: demisexuality made it easy for me to slip into sex-negativity and slut-shaming. It took me a long time to understand that casual sex can be a morally okay and emotionally safe thing for people to do. Sex outside of a committed relationship sounds very unappealing and possibly dangerous to me. I had to learn that just because that sort of sex would probably be bad for me didn’t mean that it was bad for everyone who had it or that people having it were messed up. Even now, it can be hard for me to understand why, for example, my partner might be interested in fostering a sexual relationship with someone he likes, but who is emotionally distant. To me, it seems so awful and bad. I have to remind myself that he’s not like me, step back, and trust him.
Being demisexual amongst people whose sexuality is closer to normal can be tricky. It can be hard to figure out exactly what and where your differences are and how to deal with them when they arise. But what matters most is that those differences do exist. It’s not always easy to be demisexual, but it is a real way to be. Even if it’s not an axis of oppression, even if can be difficult to define, demisexuality remains legitimate, valid, and worthy of respect as an orientation and identity.
Hi I’m demisexual my experience has been that very few people understand. I have also felt pressured by guys literally anything we would do was in my eyes for him and not me. Im still a virgin and tbh id rather do anything other than have sex. It just isnt interesting to me and i feel really uncomfortable with it. Sometimes i feel i have to tell people im fully asexual for them to get that I’m not into it. I have never experienced primary sexual attraction and i can only think of few instances in my life that I’ve… Read more »
Asexuals as not-queers: I agree. I bothers me that the T is in LGBT. We can be straight as well, following your essay. So I would vote for the LGB on one side and being queer (aces and ts included) on the other side. Or all just as queer with no letters at least…
In the article, the author wonders what it would be like for a demisexual on OkCupid. I actually married the man I met on OkCupid two months ago! I only recently identified as demisexual, because before then, I didn’t know what it was. My first boyfriend actually told me something was wrong with me because I didn’t experience the same level of sexual desire as him. Meanwhile, I thought he was addicted to sex. I thought everyone was like me. I definitely found out differently when I went to college. There, it seemed EVERY guy I met wanted me physically,… Read more »
This is pathetic. It doesn’t accurately describe demisxuality at all, you butt in your own personal belief’s on it instead of an unbias explanation on it, while insulting sexualities that are not queer [ex. boring]. Love is beautiful, weather you have sex or not, or whoever with.
really old post but I want yo say something… I’m confused about my sexuality… I may want to have sex with someone… the foreplay might be so good, but I’m still very dry down there…. I’m not turned on by looks until I have spoken to the person… even the bf I claim to really love can’t keep me wet… I get bruised through continued thrusting I empty my mind totally before sex but I don’t feel it I pretend to feel it but I don’t… I read erotica and write erotica but I’m not turned on by the characters… Read more »
Hi Temi, I’ve never posted on a forum of any sort before, so please don’t hold it against me if I start to ramble. Like you, I am also confused and am attempting to share on here as a way to start to work through this whole idea. Based on the date of your post, I’ll assume that like me, you also have only recently discovered this sexual/demisexual/asexual terminology and are probably trying to figure out where you fit in the spectrum. I related to a lot of what you said. Please excuse any vulgarity, I’m going to try and… Read more »
Thanks for the great post, Brian. I don’t think you should need to worry so much about “vulgarity”; this is, after all, an article designed to increase awareness, openness and understanding about sex, so there’s nothing wrong with discussing the topic as long as you do so with respect and courtesy, which you did. Sex is a perfectly natural thing, and neither it nor discussions of it are inherently dirty, scandalous or vulgar. If you find it encouraging to be part of a demisexual community, I just recently joined one myself, and so far it’s been enlightening and supportive. If… Read more »
Thank you for this. I recently realized that I am, in fact, demisexual, which explains so much of my adolescent confusion. But I have been hesitant to ‘come out’ or talk about it as anything groundbreaking specifically because I do not want to co-opt and impinge on queer spaces and pretend I understand queer oppression. I was very conflicted about how to engage with this new, budding identity. This post has helped a lot. Thank you so much! [Also, In answer to your question about demis searching for a partner: for me, it’s been tough and lonely but sites like… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing your mind. I had never heard of the term Demisexual until yesterday and feel that, finally, I am not alone in this. I have wondered at times if I was asexual because I have never been aroused by pictures of “hot” men or women, and absolutely nothing happened to me when I would search pornography. I thought that maybe pornography just isn’t geared towards women, and that this was a women’s issue. However, when I tried searching porn just for straight women, I had no reaction still. I also had no reactions to people… Read more »
Thank you. I have never come across this term before. I thought I was broken. I was raised in a family that taught you should have lots of sex before marriage. I thought that was what you were suppose to do and so I spent years putting myself out there and not enjoying it. I never felt dirty or ashamed but could not figured out why I did not enjoy it. I felt broken and like a failure . I got married to a man who was intellectually my equal but the sex was not enjoyable and I thought it… Read more »
Hi, this post is pretty old, but I wanted to comment, anyhow, specifically on the “demisexual oppression”. I both agree and disagree with you that it does not exist. On one hand, it’s true that most people do not react with the anger or violence that the LGBT community receives. It’s also much easier to live as a demisexual or as an asexual without hiding or sharing the fact that you are demisexual/asexual – after all, it refers specifically to intimacy/sex, which is something only discussed with potential or current partners and perhaps very close friends/family members. On the other… Read more »
This has been my experience as well. Thank you for sharing. I don’t consider myself oppressed, but I do have a similar experience with my mother, who does not understand and thinks I just need to go to the doctor. I never could understand how everyone else seemed to easily just fall into relationships with other people, while I poured so much effort into the only person I had ever been remotely interested in, and failed because he wasn’t as interested in me. I assumed that everyone had that level of difficulty in finding someone that they were attracted to,… Read more »
Demisexualitry is just a word to explain how some people are driven and or turned on. Its basically our ability to want to screw someone. Some folks are easily attracted to many women or men, depending. I know a lot of men who are pick up artists and they are all basically very attracted for sexual purposes to just about any woman they meet. I however am not. Have you ever seen a woman, say a beautiful woman, walk by a dozen men–their heads turn. I’ve learned to mimic that behavior in a crowd. I just don’t feel it. However,… Read more »
Hi, on your point about Demisexual opression, is it possible for those who identify as demisexual because outside of after being in a commited relationship for a few months, they are pretty much identical to a sex-repulsed asexual to experience asexual oppression?
I’m a 32 year old female virgin and for the first time in my life, I make sense to myself. I thought I was broken (I was molested as a small child but knew other people who were treated worse and went on to have healthy sex lives), I’ve thought I was gay because I wasn’t attracted to men but I’m not attracted to women either, I thought I was asexual until I developed sexual attractions to close male friends. I thought maybe if I hooked up with a random guy (I’ve certainly had enough offers) and just started having… Read more »
Thank you for raising awareness on this disregarded topic. I myself have always felt ‘different’ in my private and sentimental life. I never develop interest in sexuality per se, unless I feel a deep, strong emotional connection with a certain person. While the ceaseless showing off of vulgar intercourse without any love disturbs me deeply. I rarely express my annoyance about it, because I have found out the usual reaction is incomprehension or derision. When I was younger I would suffer, silently, for this. When there was a sex scene in some teenager movie I would go to the bathroom… Read more »
Hi. I only recently discovered that this word demisexual existed. And to be quite honest, I’m a little relieved. I’m a woman in my 30s and I’ve never had the desire to sleep with people. Ever. Unless I was in a committed relationship with them and we had a connection. My only three meaningful relationships I have been intimate in have all been relationships that started off as friends in some way. Anyone else I ever dated, or tried to end.. failed miserably, as I just wasn’t into it. So, I stopped dating. Because I felt it was a waste… Read more »
I am definitely in the camp of demisexuals who are often thought of as misleading, consufing, a tease, overly selective, conceited, etc. (uh, yeah, OkCupid was kind of pointless…) Because I’m also in a poly relationship, I am sometimes thought of as jealous, controlling, or not-really-poly. Why wouldn’t I want to replace those negative, incorrect labels with one that actually describes who I am and why I don’t want to date you even though you’re cute? When more-sexuals (to borrow your term) find out about my demisexuality, and believe that it exists, they pause and are then surprised at how… Read more »
If emotional bonds are the sole determinant of sexual attraction, how is the sexual attraction determined after the emotional bond is formed? If sexual attraction necessarily follows the formation of an emotional bond, how could you explain friendships or family members? How could a loss of sexual attraction over time be explained by this?
Heh. I’m afraid I can’t answer that first question in a very satisfying way. How is any kind of sexual attraction determined? For me–and I do speak only for myself–it’s usually been something like this: I like a person. We’re friends. I fall in love with that person. I start to develop sexual feelings for them as this occurs. I think you’ve misunderstood how I’m using “necessarily.” I think you think I’m saying is “When I form an emotional bond, sexual attraction follows.” I am actually saying this: “If I don’t form an emotional bond, sexual attraction cannot exist.” An… Read more »
I identified strongly as asexual until after I became close friends with my now-fiance and asked him out. Outside of my fiance, I experience undirected sexual arousal only maybe once or twice per month, generally corresponding to the day I ovulate and the day I start my period. The only porn that does anything at all for me is BDSM porn between two women who are both clearly enjoying it (or at least are decent enough actresses?). I’ve realized that I’m aroused by the situations they’re in and imagining myself in those situations with my fiance (and I think seeing… Read more »
I’m glad you enjoyed the post! I have similar feelings about porn some of the time: I can definitely enjoy it by thinking about how much I’d like to do that thing, or have it done to me. This is less arousing, though, and more like looking at food and thinking “Man, that looks good, I’d love to eat that,” even while I’m not hungry. It certainly helps if folks look like they’re having a good time, but that’s a little complex for me. I always found it so easy to judge people for what they enjoy. Learning not to… Read more »
I would have thought that’s how most people enjoy porn – it’s how I do, and I’m far from demisexual. I don’t have a problem with finding a new word for things that are actually a majority experience. But I think that: 1) Demisexual writing as I’ve seen it so far focuses on demisexuality as a supposedly oppressed minority, rather than discussing that this is something many people can identify with and dissecting the culture which makes us assume everyone else is hyper-sexual and ourselves as inadequate 2) Relatedly, I’ve seen demisexual identified people use that as their ‘LGBT/oppression cred’… Read more »
I recently discovered the term ‘demisexual’ and it has literally changed my life. I’ve never felt more comfortable with a term because it genuinely describes a huge aspect of my identity that I have been struggling with for years. I think your first point falls back into a misunderstanding of what demisexuality is. And while you may think that a majority of people would be able to identify with it, in my experience with friends and peers, I cannot see that being the case. That is NOT to say that demisexuals are oppressed. Much of the conversations you had seen… Read more »
@Olivia
“I have similar feelings about porn some of the time: I can definitely enjoy it by thinking about how much I’d like to do that thing, or have it done to me. This is less arousing, though, and more like looking at food and thinking “Man, that looks good, I’d love to eat that,” even while I’m not hungry. It certainly helps if folks look like they’re having a good time, but that’s a little complex for me.”
EXACTLY!
1) lots of demisexuals, and indeed full-on asexuals will talk openly about their own porn consumption – often with the justification that it’s a compartmentalized visual stimulation without being attracted to that person. so that isn’t really proof of anything. in any case, the vast majority of porn is consumed by men, and most of these criticisms have come from women. words like “heterosexual” and “cisgender” should be less understood as comfy self-aware identities than as positions of social dominance. i don’t want people to be invested in their heteroness or their cisness; these are constructs that need to be… Read more »
1) The porn thing is on me. I don’t know many demis. I don’t talk to a lot of ace-spectrum folks, so I didn’t actually know that so many asexuality spectrum folks did porn. I don’t, obviously. I don’t get it at all. A lot of folks in the comments have called me on my misinformation. I’ve been thinking about ways to change the article to reflect the fact that I’ve learned stuff since I wrote it. I haven’t yet, and that’s my fault. First of all, I don’t think that an understanding and respect for one’s own privilege necessarily… Read more »
Hi, I enjoyed your article and found most of it quite accurate. I am 100% DemiHetero, I am in my mid-50s and have only ever had 3 intimate partners, and that is probably one too many. I have never felt, and am unable to really understand, ‘lust’. I have never felt lust for anyone in my life. When I have been asked what my ‘type’ was, my reply was always that my ‘type’ is whatever the person I was in love with was like. I HAVE TO know, like and respect a person deeply before I ever feel anything more… Read more »
“Demisexual” sounds to me like a fetish for a particular style of bra. Or like a dark-haired divorcee with children who has a much younger male lover. (Pronounced “deMEEsexual.”). Good thing you explained it more fully. : – ) Labels of sexual categories are proliferating and subdividing, and I think that’s kind of a good thing. But, it means that you can’t really have much confidence that a new word will catch on, because there will probably be some refinement of it immediately afterwards. This also means that people need to approach words with a little sense of humor and… Read more »
Wellokaythen, I’ve actually written that shit out before. It was nearly a blog post. Charles convinced me not to.
But, yeah. Somewhere on my computer, there’s definitely a document that talks about how I identify as a cis-female femme, queer demisexual submissive masochist and what literally each of those terms means to me. I’m pretty happy about that, though. It’s important to talk about boundaries with partners. And I think it can be important to talk about what identities and labels mean, too. I think that can be super great.
Reading this post, I’m strikingly reminded of this cartoon, on a most excellent strip: http://xkcd.com/1095/ I’m honestly at a loss whether to admire or pity you (admittedly, you’ve asked for neither). It’s articles like this that remind me to take a step back and look at the big picture. You can indeed parse the world of the demisexual -and have – but whither the lesbian demisexual? What about bisexual demisexual men who can only generate arousal with an emotional attachment to a man? Bidemihomosexuals? My point is, you’ve thought this through, and arrived at a lot of conclusions which I… Read more »
I hate that cartoon. I’m always getting lumped in with the plastic straw “hobbyists,” when in fact that whole concept is just an attempt by the “professionals” to discredit the movement for complete equality. They refuse to accept that I am attracted to both swizzle sticks AND straws. “Just pick one already!” is what they say to me.
😉
Hi there…thanks for at least making an effort not to be demeaning 😛 i can see where you’re coming from, but the problem with your perspective is that you’re treating any attempt to have new words to describe sexuality as being part of an effort to address oppression. And that isn’t really true — because human gender, sexuality, and romance are very very complex, like how the specturm of colors is made of much more than red, yellow and blue. Therefore, having a word to talk about a facet of sexuality that exists but doesn’t usually lead people to encounter… Read more »
Feast, I understand and appreciate your comment. Those fractal edges of sexuality absolutely exist. I’ve been staring into that abyss for months and there really is no end. I absolutely see where you’re coming from. I do think it’s important to the world, though, for three reasons: 1) It makes individuals happy. You don’t have to care about it, because you’re not demi, but knowing that demi exists is really important to me, and to many other demi folks. So, it’s important to the world, because it’s important to people in the world, yeah? 2) A lot of demisexual people… Read more »
By the way, Puce is pink, not green. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puce
According to Wiki: Puce is the French word for flea. The color is said to be the color of the bloodstains remaining on linen or bedsheets, even after being laundered, from a flea’s droppings or after a flea has been killed.
Your random factoid of the day. (I know, I always assumed Puce was green too!)
There are ways to identify your romantic attractions as a demisexual (also as an asexual). For example, I’m a Biromantic Demisexual. A “lesbian demisexual” would be a Homoromantic Demisexual. It’s basically the matter of taking your Bi-, Homo-, Hetero-, Pan-, or what have you, and tacking it onto the word romantic. These terms were originally to denote the romantic interests of asexuals, but as demisexuality falls into the asexual spectrum, they have been adopted into this too. There are also aromantics, but I won’t go there right now. 😉
You can’t just make a new word and then shove it on everyone, that isn’t how the development of new words works,when someone tries to create a new word, at first people will be hesitant to take it, and will stand against it, this is normal and you should let it slide, you can not argue a word into existence.
this is part of the problem I have with all these so called ‘identities’ people just seem to make stuff up and then when we don’t believe what they say we’re branded as hateful.
Gin, thanks for your comment! I think it very much can be how the development of new words work. Words like “kilobyte” and terms like “nihilism” were invented by people to explain things. They were coined. And then they were picked up and ended up being accepted terms. And if people argue that x is the term we should have for y, and enough other folks find that argument persuasive… Yeah. I think you can argue a word into use. Look at what I’ve done with this thread. There are a couple of people in it who hadn’t heard of… Read more »
Thanks so much! Words are powerful. Demisexual is the first term I’ve come across that perfectly explains what is going on with me. I have had a very frustrating sex life. It destroyed my marriage and has made post-divorce dating a especially hellish experience. My own situation is complicated by the fact that I am a female submissive, slightly bisexual. A lot of my struggles to experience desire came out of feeling like I was not being sufficiently dominated. I realize now that I am content with a less rigorous domination if I already have an emotional connection. Combine the… Read more »
I also wanted to thank you, Olivia, for this article. I have been struggling for years to understand myself. It wasn’t until earlier this week my best friend told me she thought maybe I was a demisexual based on what I had told her. Demisexual is a term I had no knowledge of until she mentioned it. It made me curious enough to do a search on it. I am glad that I ended up here. I am still not sure this is exactly what I am, but it is the closest thing to my own experiences I’ve ever heard… Read more »
Sorry but for what i read here, most women, if not all women are demi??? My question is, are there women who are not demi? I think its pretty common for women saying they only want to have sex with men they are in love right??? So demisexuality is not really rare among women. Its more interesting to me hearing men talking about demisexuality, if there are men like that, i want to really know. I wont have sex with women i dont have feelings, because i wont, not because i’m not aroused, so i’m not demi.
I think you’re misunderstanding. To my knowledge, demisexuality is more common among women than it is among men. That’s true. I know plenty of women who will have sex with people they don’t have strong emotional attachments to, though. They’re really interested in casual sex, or even anonymous sex, even. It’s possible that most women won’t have sex with people who won’t have sex with men they don’t have feelings for—just like you won’t with women who you don’t have feelings for. But as you said, that’s not being demi. I think most women aren’t demi. I think most women… Read more »
yeah i’ agree. But i’m really interested in demisexuality among men because i havent found men who claimed they are demisexuals. ( but to be honest the first time i know the term demisexual is from this article ) I know some cases that guys describe themselves as asexuals and cant have sexual attraction toward other women , maybe they are just demi and havent found someone they love??
You’re coming off as seriously sexist and heterocentrist here. I think there’s an issue with people who are socialised as female who are also attracted to men feeling safe enough to explore their sexual feelings. Maybe there is a trend of women choosing to wait to have sexual encounters until they get to know someone, but I don’t think that is because they don’t feel a sexual attraction to someone until they have an emotional connection to them – it is because they may not feel safe acting on their feelings. There’s a huge difference between not feeling a huge… Read more »
I agree completely. =)
Thank you for the comment! The only thing I’d add is that some women—and some people who are not women!—are, in fact, demisexual and it’s not necessarily about safety for us. This is a fact that can be frustrating because those sorts of misogynist paradigms you’ve talked about can make us demis confused about our behavior and what motivates it. Likewise, it can look like we’re embracing certain icky notions about how dating “should” go, which is very unfortunate.
My same sex female partner is a Demi, and so also was a close male friend in grad school. They are both so happy to have a term to most-accurately describe themselves. I had thought most demisexuals could “go either way” (I didn’t think they had a particular sexual preference), but it makes sense there would be a spectrum for that like everything else. Thanks for the neat article!
To my knowledge, most demis aren’t picky about gender, exactly like you said. I don’t think all of ’em are, but I’m not totally sure I’ve encountered a wholly homo or heteroromantic demi before.
You’re welcome, though!
Hi! I know I’m late to the party, but I just wanted to add my thanks to you for writing this. I was the same as a lot of the other people who have commented: I read the description of demisexual for the first time and went, “Wow, for the first time I’ve found something that fits for me!” I’ve always been sex-positive (once I realized that sex could just be friendly exercise for some people, even if not for me, my only admonishment to anyone was “be safe”) but without any of the, you know, actual sex on my… Read more »
I had something like that happen, when I was trying to “come out” to a friend. She said, “Oh, hon, you just haven’t found the right person yet.” Someone I’ve known for the better part of a decade. I almost hung up on her. Or screamed. Or cried. It’s so offensive when people assume that you don’t know yourself on a level as personal as this… Just because it’s not YOUR sexuality doesn’t mean it’s, y’know… nonexistent. I really wish I’d had the term to throw out to my hateful roommates a few years ago who openly mocked me for… Read more »
Psh, no such thing as late to this party. This party rocks all the time. I’m lucky. Infatuation hits me hard and fast, and then is still able to smoothly transition into a functional relationship. I’ve yet to run into “I think you’re neat romantically/as a person, but sexual feelings have yet to blossom!” with people in such a way that it’s caused issues. But, man, I can imagine it causing so many issues. That’s why I’m still so scared of OKCupid and hunting for new partners. So far, I’ve mostly lucked into them. I don’t much miss sex, either,… Read more »