Bless their little hearts, the right-ward leaning segment of America has taken it into its head that it can maybe shake that whole “soft on rape” problem by promoting anti-rape measures. As long as those measures begin and end with “more guns.” Also, they’d like to combat the heinous misinformation of the lamestream media with a light-hearted parody of their misbegotten, non-gun-focused anti-rape advice. Enter #LiberalTips2AvoidRape. Spoilers: It’s mostly about how any response less vehement/violent/metal than tearing off your attacker’s testicles and eating them to show your dominance is basically the same as asking for it.
Some broad lessons:
1. The problem with the liberal position on rape is that it’s exactly like some unrelated issue which bears little, if any, resemblance to rape:
2. Democratic women aren’t very attractive and it’s important that we talk about that. Because women’s attractiveness to me a pretty good predictor of whether they’re at risk for rape. As everyone knows, only women who rate a seven or above get raped.
3. Neither are feminists!
4. WHY DOESN’T MORE ANTI-RAPE ADVICE FOCUS ON DOING VIOLENCE TO YOUR ATTACKER?! WITH AXES!? (Because, Magnus Hammerhand, prevention is often more valuable than “cure.” Especially when the “cure” doesn’t actually prevent significant trauma.)
#LiberalTips2AvoidRape Try to relate to the attacker’s feelings.
— RB (@RBPundit) February 19, 2013
5. Seriously, though, conservatives love violence as a solution to problems. Just love it absolutely to death.
6. And finally: when in doubt, use the latest scientific data to your dubious advantage?
(God help me I know it’s just a sexist “ha ha menstruating women are gross” joke but I just can’t get past the comic genius of “I AM CURRENTLY ATTRACTING BEARS.”)