Bless their little hearts, the right-ward leaning segment of America has taken it into its head that it can maybe shake that whole “soft on rape” problem by promoting anti-rape measures. As long as those measures begin and end with “more guns.” Also, they’d like to combat the heinous misinformation of the lamestream media with a light-hearted parody of their misbegotten, non-gun-focused anti-rape advice. Enter #LiberalTips2AvoidRape. Spoilers: It’s mostly about how any response less vehement/violent/metal than tearing off your attacker’s testicles and eating them to show your dominance is basically the same as asking for it.
Some broad lessons:
1. The problem with the liberal position on rape is that it’s exactly like some unrelated issue which bears little, if any, resemblance to rape:
2. Democratic women aren’t very attractive and it’s important that we talk about that. Because women’s attractiveness to me a pretty good predictor of whether they’re at risk for rape. As everyone knows, only women who rate a seven or above get raped.
3. Neither are feminists!
4. WHY DOESN’T MORE ANTI-RAPE ADVICE FOCUS ON DOING VIOLENCE TO YOUR ATTACKER?! WITH AXES!? (Because, Magnus Hammerhand, prevention is often more valuable than “cure.” Especially when the “cure” doesn’t actually prevent significant trauma.)
5. Seriously, though, conservatives love violence as a solution to problems. Just love it absolutely to death.
6. And finally: when in doubt, use the latest scientific data to your dubious advantage?
(God help me I know it’s just a sexist “ha ha menstruating women are gross” joke but I just can’t get past the comic genius of “I AM CURRENTLY ATTRACTING BEARS.”)