Six Things I Learned from #LiberalTips2AvoidRape

Bless their little hearts, the right-ward leaning segment of America has taken it into its head that it can maybe shake that whole “soft on rape” problem by promoting anti-rape measures. As long as those measures begin and end with “more guns.” Also, they’d like to combat the heinous misinformation of the lamestream media with a light-hearted parody of their misbegotten, non-gun-focused anti-rape advice. Enter #LiberalTips2AvoidRape. Spoilers: It’s mostly about how any response less vehement/violent/metal than tearing off your attacker’s testicles and eating them to show your dominance is basically the same as asking for it.

Some broad lessons:

1. The problem with the liberal position on rape is that it’s exactly like some unrelated issue which bears little, if any, resemblance to rape:

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2. Democratic women aren’t very attractive and it’s important that we talk about that. Because women’s attractiveness to me a pretty good predictor of whether they’re at risk for rape. As everyone knows, only women who rate a seven or above get raped.

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3. Neither are feminists!

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4. WHY DOESN’T MORE ANTI-RAPE ADVICE FOCUS ON DOING VIOLENCE TO YOUR ATTACKER?! WITH AXES!? (Because, Magnus Hammerhand, prevention is often more valuable than “cure.” Especially when the “cure” doesn’t actually prevent significant trauma.)

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5. Seriously, though, conservatives love violence as a solution to problems. Just love it absolutely to death.

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6. And finally: when in doubt, use the latest scientific data to your dubious advantage?

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(God help me I know it’s just a sexist “ha ha menstruating women are gross” joke but I just can’t get past the comic genius of “I AM CURRENTLY ATTRACTING BEARS.”)



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  1. Wow. When becoming a leftist, the sense of rage replaces the sense of humor, it seems.

  2. PastorofMuppets says:

    I’m just glad Charles avoided painting with a massively broad brush here to condescendingly condemn everyone who might lean right. Cause that would be wrong, and totally out of character for GMP.

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