Olivia Davis discusses her year long brush with modern chauvinism in the form of a boy she liked.
Back in the misty mists of time, I dated this long-haired viking of a computer science major, Allen. Allen and I had a lot in common. We were students at the same university. We both prized rationality, we both enjoyed media analysis and often spent hours talking about song lyrics. We played D&D and Magic: The Gathering and had sleep schedules that were broken all to hell. Despite our similarities and the fact that we dated for about a year and a half, there were always tensions between the two of us. I enjoy horror movies, while Allen is so pathologically averse to violence that some music videos give him nightmares. This caused other issues since I’m a masochist and Allen is morally opposed to BDSM. And, importantly, while I was and always have been a feminist, Allen explicitly identified as a male chauvinist. This chauvinism went on to warp the entirety of our relationship.
On more than one occasion, he explained it: he came from the “older school” of dating, the one our parents had likely come from. He’s a man, so he wants to be the provider. When he goes on a date with a girl, he wants to pick up the bill. In return, he’ll want sex from a casual date. Since he’s fulfilled his side of the bargain, it’s reasonable for him to have at least some expectation that she’ll put out. From a girlfriend, he wants to be able to dictate what’s going to happen, and have her generally go along with it. She gets veto power, but the fact that he’s going to pick up the bill means that he gets to choose the restaurant. He wants to be supported, but not interfered with.
From a girlfriend, he wants to be able to dictate what’s going to happen, and have her generally go along with it.
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And, indeed, while we were together, we almost never split the bill when we went out. He tended to buy the groceries, he paid for utilities in our apartment and for internet, and he arranged the furniture to his liking. One month, he paid the rent for me when I couldn’t. He’s never asked for that money back. He gave small gifts freely, but downplayed his birthday and my part in Valentine’s Day and Christmas. He wouldn’t tell me his date of birth for months for fear that I’d do something with the information.
Sex was primarily about my pleasure, but was constrained to what he was comfortable with. When we first started sleeping together, I was pre-orgasmic. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that if I couldn’t learn to come within the next couple of weeks, it would be a problem for him and for our relationship. He didn’t respond well to having things requested, he didn’t like to know that I preferred oral to PIV. He dipped his toe into BDSM for me in the form of biting and occasional light choking, even though it’s the rougher stuff that I like the most. He wouldn’t even consider using toys. He wanted to please me on his schedule and in the ways he liked. By contrast, he wasn’t shy about making demands of me, physically shifting me into positions, or asking for anal, a thing enjoyed by one of us and suffered through by the other in an attempt to please.
I don’t know if Allen ever respected me. He often behaved in ways that made me feel as though he didn’t. He’s two years older than I am. He had lived in Europe for years and had slept with three times as many people as I had. He considered himself an adult, old before his time. By comparison, I was a child. He was fond of calling me an “impudent youth.” He policed my behavior and style of dress.
Fatherlike, he explained that punishments had never made sense to him, but he believed in consequences… I was free, always, to do whatever I wanted, but should bear the consequences in mind.
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He told me I shouldn’t wear a blazer in casual situations because the formality would make others uncomfortable. My tendency to play Bejweled in class appalled him, even though he was similarly inclined to require something to occupy his hands during lectures. Fatherlike, he explained that punishments had never made sense to him, but he believed in consequences. These consequences, including his displeasure, automatically followed certain actions. I was free, always, to do whatever I wanted, but should bear the consequences in mind. I don’t think he ever told me not to do something. He’d just detail what would happen if I did.
When Allen and I broke up, an opinion spontaneously emerged from the woodwork: no one close to me had ever liked him. Even people he hadn’t met found his treatment of me uncomfortable, based on my reports. My mom told me that she felt he and I bickered constantly. He nitpicked at me, she said, he was unable to let my slighted mistake lie. He always put me down. She never saw me win a tiff with him and, indeed, I’m not sure if I ever did. The best I could do was pin him against information neither of us knew. These were the days just before everyone had smart phones, so arguments would be indefinitely paused until we could look something up, which we almost never got around to doing. That was my definition of winning. He rarely conceded a point, I was rarely right, but I could make him admit that the discussion hinged on facts we didn’t have immediate access to.
I’m also not sure Allen loved me like I loved him. His love was conditional. Once, he explained to me something that sounded an awful lot like a mathematical formula governing his affection. On one axis was “common interests,” and on the other was “similar sentiments.” Some of the problems that had driven him and his most recent ex apart had been the fact that their sentiments were very much in common, but they had few similar interests. I was roughly the opposite, so my position in his affection always seemed shockingly tenuous. It didn’t help that he was vocally attracted to almost every other girl we knew or encountered, that he had a storied history of cheating on his partners, or that he was surprised to be attracted to someone with my body type.
I avoided going out with friends if what we’d be doing wasn’t something he was interested in. I shifted my style of dress for him and stopped wearing makeup or jewelry.
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As such, to some extent, I designed my life around pleasing him. I tried to change for him. I downplayed the importance of my kinks, I stopped watching movies that would make him uncomfortable and tried to develop his views on them. I listened to his music, even though he never showed the slightest interest in mine. I avoided going out with friends if what we’d be doing wasn’t something he was interested in. I shifted my style of dress for him and stopped wearing makeup or jewelry. He hated jewelry, even though it was fairly important to me. In exchange for my not wearing a necklace, he wore his hair down, but he simply wouldn’t hold my hands if I was wearing rings. I started playing World of Warcraft for him.
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Why did I stay with a male chauvinist for a year and a half? Probably for the same reasons anyone stays in a sub par relationship longer than they ought to: I loved my boyfriend. There were a lot of times when we were really happy together. I thought that at least some of the things about him that I didn’t like would change, or I would change such that they didn’t bother me so much anymore. I wasn’t sure where I’d go next if he and I broke up and I’m a person who craves being in a relationship. Another reason why I stayed is that there are things about his style of relationship that appealed to me in theory, though without negotiation, conversation, or noticeable reward they mostly made life harder for me in practice. I’m a submissive person. Allen is a dominant person. He offered me a power dynamic, he offered me challenges, I sometimes felt like he offered me the ability to become perfect in someone else’s eyes, though I now realize that I ever could have achieved that goal with him.
I don’t know how I handled our political differences. I think I mostly just ignored them. Feminism and genderthoughts are a much bigger part of my life now than they were then, and so it wasn’t so hard to figure that we were just people with different opinions. And, anyway, I trusted and respected Allen. I figured that he held the opinions he held for good reasons and that so did I. The next time a man tries to persuade me out of taking a gender studies class, maybe it’ll strike me as a red flag. The first time, though, it was just evidence of the fact that we disagreed.
Some of the way that Allen treated me was chauvinistic. A lot of the way Allen treated me was a pretty bad way to treat a partner. These two things don’t always have to be the same, but where Allen is concerned, I can’t pick them apart. When I read accounts of pick-up artists shaming girls into their beds, I’m reminded of what happened to me with Allen.
I don’t know why Allen is a male chauvinist. I don’t know how he became one. I don’t know how the woman he left me for handles this fact about him—she identifies as a feminist, too. But I do know that male chauvinism was an important part of my life for quite a while, that it was inescapable in our relationship, and that it hurt me. It left me feeling ashamed of who I was and what I liked.
By the end of our relationship, I thought Allen was smarter than I was. I thought he knew better. If he told me that he wanted me to be a certain way, I’d be that way.
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It made me feel stupid and bad, like I wasn’t good enough, and like I needed to improve. I’ve mostly recovered now, but I still dwell on the wounds from time to time. I realize now why the PUAs I’ve read about use the horrible tactics that they do. By the end of our relationship, I thought Allen was smarter than I was. I thought he knew better. If he told me that he wanted me to be a certain way, I’d be that way. He’d convinced me that it was right. Chauvinism works.
But, then again, it doesn’t. Allan never told me all of the reasons why he was breaking up with me and I never asked. The ending of our relationship was complex and protracted, someday it might get a post of its very own. But he did mention to me that he couldn’t depend on me. The woman he left me for is strong-willed, opinionated, and has a spine of steel. In the first place, I’m pretty submissive and pliable, but importantly, whatever spine I had, he beat out of me. I think that it was, in part, his influence that made me into a person he couldn’t be with. He didn’t break up with me. He broke up with the person he created. In the end, his chauvinism was bad for both of us. In the end, it’s what destroyed our relationship.
Didn’t one of the articles here go over something similar? Women shouldn’t settle, they should demand what they wanted, expect to get it and leave the relationship if they didn’t?
But that wasn’t abuse, that was empowerment?
So, Allen’s a man who’s doing the same thing and he’s an abuser?
Not that it sounds like a great relationship. But, as men we’re supposed to put up with it from women, and god help us if we try to act the same way they’re encouraged to act.
First, you raise an important point: The GMP is not a hive mind. I haven’t read the article that you’re referring to, and if I had, I might strongly disagree with it. I might even worry that the behavior it encouraged was abusive. The fact that two articles on this site contradict each other is, to my mind, kinda great. There are a lot of views represented here and I appreciate that. However, I think you’re missing some of my point. The abuse isn’t that Allen wanted things from me. The abuse isn’t that he liked skirts better than pants… Read more »
He told you EXACTLY what kind of man he was, what kind of expectations he had for your relationship and the gender dynamic. You CHOSE to enter the relationship under those premises. He did not inflict upon you his chauvinism out of nowhere you willingly entered into it hawing been fully forewarned. The relationship did not just happen to you, HE did not just make things happen to you, YOU did. You also did this in spite of “strongly” held feminist views which should mean you would see this relationship dynamic as an unhealthy evil that should be fought against.… Read more »
Hey, Chauvinist, thanks for coming here and expressing your opinion. Having said that, uh, you don’t actually know me, what I think, or know the circumstances under which my relationship emerged and under which we came to engage in the abusive dynamic we had. Allen didn’t tell me that he was a chauvinist and that he had certain expectations of me in advance. He let me know once I was already thick into the relationship. He told me once we were dating, once we had slept together, once he was my friend, and confidant, once I was attached, and once… Read more »
Chauvinist: correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like you’re saying that it’s inconsistent for a romantically/sexually submissive woman (or, by association, a dominant man) to “strongly hold” feminist opinions. That seems to involve a pretty obvious mistake: equating the power dynamics of one relationship with the power dynamics of society as a whole. There’s nothing inconsistent about wanting to be beaten black and blue (consensually) by one’s man-friend, and generally have him take the lead socially and in decision-making, and also wanting women to have equal pay, ready access to contraceptives, better role models in the media, and… Read more »
It sounds like you were in an abusive and controlling relationship, and I am glad that you are now free. He used chauvinism, and traditional gender roles as a tool to perpetrate the abuse. I think his abusiveness is at the root of the problem, rather than the patriarchy. Patriarchal views are bad, but they were the the tool, not the cause. If the patriarchy didn’t exist he would be using different psychological tools to abuse you. This site has articles covering different types of abuse, a section for female victims and a section for male victims. The best thing… Read more »
I’ve been thinking about your comment for a while, Mike, and I don’t think you’re right. I also think it’s pretty bold of you, with only the context given, to assert that you know something about this situation, or about Allan that I don’t. I lived with him for a year and I’ve had another to reflect on that year, so it’s surprising to hear you say that you think I’m misunderstanding or misconstruing my experience. But, anyway. What you’re saying here is that Allan is an abusive guy who always would have abused me, using whatever tools he had… Read more »
I don’t know your ex personally, but I have known people that seem similar. Patriarchy encouraged them a bit to be controlling but there were other factors more at play, usually growing up in an abusive household where they saw it as normal. So maybe patriarchy encouraged him but also gave him the tools, the belief, the idea and if his dad was like that then maybe he thought a man should be head of the household, EXPECTED to do the decision making, protect his family etc. But some go way overboard and become controlling. Patriarchy itself can simply just… Read more »
I don’t think Allan’s home was particularly like that, even though that’s a perfectly normal way to have the kind of chauvinism he had come about. His father was the breadwinner and his mother stayed at home, but I found his dad to be kind of sweet and affectionate, and his mother to be borderline overbearing. So, it’s atypical. Like I said, I actually don’t know quite where he got his chauvinism from. I just know that he had it. What troubles me about your assessment is that I think he wanted things that were explicitly patriarchal, so his treatment… Read more »
Ahh, it makes better sense I guess. It probably reminded me of other men and women I’ve known who were abusive and used gender roles as a weapon of control. Most of the people I know that think men should rule the roost tend to come from very traditional homes but even they allow quite a lot of freedom n won’t full on control someone. I take it Allan went further than that? I guess I find it strange myself, my father’s parents were traditional however he was quite open minded himself, mum and dad both worked fulltime (though she… Read more »
The best guess I have is that Allen spend a lot of time during his early teens in Britain and he talked about very heavy gender segregation there. Allen really seemed to want a perfect partner and he was willing to change people for it, deliberately. He was willing to emotionally bully me into doing what he wanted me to do. He spoke with some pride about how his ex had worn pants when they got together but, by they time they’d broken up, she almost always wore skirts. He spoke of it as thought it was an inevitability. He… Read more »
I’m from Australia, a rural area so there are a lot of traditional family setups, stay at home mother + working father though these days the SAHM only lasts till the kid hits preschool, then the mother usually works. A lot of parents both work too, cost of living has gone stupid high, it’s just more stress on families that they don’t need and probably contributes to a lot of arguments n abuse. A good article, I agree with Cliff, sex ed here was how to avoid std’s, put on a condom, and I think a piss poor effort to… Read more »
As a preface, please excuse my use of “they” as a gender neutral pronoun, and some of the ambiguity that gender neutrality is causing here. While it was obviously your relationship and you knew this person best, you are describing really, really common traits of someone who is just generally abusive. I at least ask you to consider the idea that it wasn’t causally related to chauvinism—not everyone who spends time living in Britain ends up like that. Hell, there are men who grow up living in Saudi Arabia who don’t have attitudes like that towards women and don’t try… Read more »
First of all, you’re absolutely right. It’s certainly not the case that everyone who spends time in Britain ends up like Allen did. I didn’t mean to suggest that. I just meant that I remember him talking about what he found to be the way that gender worked there, and I wonder if that’s how he got the ideas that made up his chauvinist world view. Thanks for calling me on that so that I could explain myself better. Your points are also fair. This conversation has definitely made me seriously reconsider my arguments. And, to some extent, I do… Read more »
I think you should read through page 1 of the women’s section of the site I linked to, called are you being abused? http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page1.htm Your comment response is full of denial, and minimisation which is normal for abuse survivors. This is why it is important to talk to other people about our lives, so that we can get a reality check. As an abusive relationship forms, the abuser gradually ratchets up the abuse, and the victim develops coping strategies. After a while what seems completely normal to victim and abuser is shocking to the rest of society. A classic quote… Read more »
It wasn’t my intent to call you on this, Mike, because this is often the kind of call-out that I think doesn’t do a lot of good. But, since you’ve come back questioning the way I view my experiences and accusing me of denial, I think it’s time for me to point this out: What you’re doing right now is mansplaining. I’d like it if you stopped. If you don’t know what mansplaining is, I define it in this article and invite you to check it out. https://goodmenproject.com/gender-fight/look-kitten-youre-being-a-sexist-part-1/ Having said that: I’m not minimizing. I’m not normalizing. I’m not excusing.… Read more »
Mansplaining is when I think I know more about a topic, because I am a man. Here I know about abuse, because I am a survivor who has spent 7 months in weekly abuse therapy. You have demonstrated that you know less about abuse by writing this article. Gender is not a factor here. You cry mansplaining because you don’t like what I am saying. My reason for writing this response, is that I want you, and people who read this, to recover, and often that means being challenged on beliefs that you hold that are unhelpful. 1) You wrote… Read more »
I think that you and I are using different definitions of the word—which is fine, it’s not a word with a set definition. The definition that I use, and that I linked you to, is that mansplaining is when a man explains something to a woman when she has more knowledge on the subject than he does. And, Mike, this subject is abuse, but it’s also me, my feelings, and my experiences. And no matter how much you know about abuse and how much of it you’ve survived, you don’t actually know more about me than I do. I definitely… Read more »
First off, I want to thank you for sharing this deeply personal and well crafted essay and for engaging in the conversations sparked by your words. I won’t pretend to know any more about your relationship than what you’ve presented, and my response is simply an interpretation of my own life experiences. I absolutely have to take issue with the term “mansplaining.” I’ve read “Men Explain Things to Me,” the Solnit piece, and I’ve also read most of the recent parade of response essays, none of which provide even the flimsiest correlation between gender and ‘splaining things. Yet Solnit is… Read more »
Thank you! This conversation has sometimes been frustrating for me, but ultimately, I think conversation is very important and part of why I’m here is to foster and engage in it. I think “mansplaining” is a pretty seriously loaded term and I’m not totally comfortable with it, myself. So I’m glad we’re talking about it. You shouldn’t expect me to use it too often—this conversation was actually the first time I’ve done so and I was reluctant. Solnit doesn’t have to be an angel, or even right about anything, for a term she coined to be good and useful. Having… Read more »
Very good, and excellent writing. Thank you.
Thanks. I’m glad you liked it.
You were dating an abusive man, emotionally abusive, controlling etc. Glad to see you’re free from him. “It made me feel stupid and bad, like I wasn’t good enough, and like I needed to improve. I’ve mostly recovered now, but I still dwell on the wounds from time to time. I realize now why PUAs use the horrible tactics that they do. By the end of our relationship, I thought Allen was smarter than I was. I thought he knew better. If he told me that he wanted me to be a certain way, I’d be that way. He’d convinced… Read more »
I’m pretty glad to be free of him, too. My current relationship suits me much better, and I don’t have to play WoW anymore. I can see how there exists that confusion. I’ll quickly edit it, but to clarify: I do mean PUAs who use the tactics that I talk about. Specifically, PUAs who shame women and try to make them desperate and clutching for the guy’s affection. Initially this sentence: “When I read accounts of pick-up artists shaming girls into their beds, I’m reminded of what happened to me with Allen.” was right next to the one that you… Read more »
Ah, thank-you for clarifying. I’ve been tempted to learn some PUA tactics as a way to boost my confidence and try meet women, though I will be avoiding any negative tactics as I have no interest in making women feel like shit but simply to overcome my shyness. People shouldn’t be shamed into bed, they should both be making each other feel fantastic, happy, confident and want to be in each others arms because of those positive feelings. I’ve known a few women who’ve had ex’s who have abused them, said awful things, one actually hates her genitalia and feels… Read more »
No problem. I don’t catch everything in editing. Have you read Clarisse Thorn’s “Confessions of a Pick-Up Artist Chaser”? I admit to not having done so myself, but I hear she outlines tactics and mindsets that made her uncomfortable, versus ones that she was pretty down with. I wish I could give you better advice on bein’ less shy around ladies! I just mostly find places where people I think I’d like congregate and try to be friendly. So far so good? Abuse and low self-esteem are tough. I’m a person with low self-esteem and, even though it’s always nice… Read more »
I have read that and I highly recommedn it. She takes a rather sympathetic take on pick artists, and is welcoming deep into their circles, even speaking at a major event. However she does discuss some specific techniques that are utterlly indefensible, ethically, from a women-are-people POV. Unfortunately PUAs take a rather mechanical view of the female mind, and focus on solving that puzzle box.
that was a really excellent post and fairly balanced. Chauvinism and patriarchy aren’t just bad for women. They’re bad for everyone. Kudos to you for being both personal and intellectual in your approach.
I’m glad you liked it! This wasn’t the easiest post to write.
I pretty much agree. Chauvinism and patriarchy are just bad. Across the board bad. I now wish I knew more about why he broke up with me. I think it was because I became spineless and horrible under his frankly draconian rule, but I’d like to be able to say that for sure.
He broke up with you because you became spinless in other word there was no more spin to break. His next victim a better challenge can’t wait to see how opinionated she will be after he’s done with her. If she’s really strong she will leave with some self esteem.