Your Humble Editors are Reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

Because of course we are. Did you think we’d let you down? Never, baby. We’re gonna stick with you through the end. And we’re gonna protect you, and give you expensive gifts and get all up in your business and maybe cross a few lines but only because we’ve never wanted someone as much as we want you.

Maybe you’ll get a little flustered. You might even wonder if there’s something, like, wrong with us because we’re always telling you what to do and threatening to spank you even though we met you, like, yesterday and that kinda shit takes a little bit more familiarity than what we’ve got, dollface. Also, we’re always yelling at you suddenly and you’re a little bit afraid of us and pretty curious why we’ve got so many hang-ups about food.

I’m sorry. We really don’t mean to be distant and unreadable. It’s just that serious emotional trauma hiding just underneath the surface has been a real turn on to the last fifteen girls we kept as NDA-protected sexual submissives. So go with what works, y’know? Speaking of NDAs and submission, have you looked at our contract for you yet? I know it’s really long and expansive and asks for your blanket consent to acts you’ve never even heard of since you’re The World’s Most Virginal Twenty-Something but I’m sure it’ll work out OK. I mean, sixteenth time’s the charm, right?

It’s all for your own good in the end. We promise. We’re pretty sure you’ll be able to fix us and make us into the perfect man if you’ll just obey us and always finish your food and not look in our eyes too often.

Thanks.

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