Brandy and Leoance Williams share their perspectives on relationships affected by mismatched sex drives.
Life happens. Illness happens. Age happens. And through all of these different occurrences, sex can often take a backseat. What can you do if you find yourself with a mismatched sex drive compared to your partner? How can mismatched sex drives determine the future and fate of your relationship? You may be surprised by the answers….
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He Said:
What should be done with a mismatched sex drive depends on the situation for the incongruence. As a man, I will be honest…a lot of men have trouble admitting that they can’t get it up. Whether this issue is medically driven or not, men just don’t take ownership of this problem. Instead, they choose to “seek help” outside of their relationship. Usually, this help doesn’t come from someone with a degree and title. The help comes through validation from cheating. There is absolutely nothing “wrong” with the woman that a man has at home; the problem is with the man who has to admit that he is inadequate.
In this kind of situation, it is best to communicate with your partner. Talk about the problem.
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In this kind of situation, it is best to communicate with your partner. Talk about the problem. Make an appointment to get checked out by a doctor. Understand how the body works. For instance, diet plays a big role in regulating the sex drive. Then, while working on a fix, try some supplemental help with toys or foreplay. Sometimes the supplemental help is enough to compensate for the lack of libido. Also, being intimate without sex may be enough to induce the appropriate reaction and ready the man who isn’t always ready. Obviously though, this situation is very different than one where a man is overly ready and his lady cannot provide.
For this situation, men need to again communicate. Some women understand their own limitations and are willing to compromise, a lot. It is unrealistic to believe that anyone has time to bump and grind, all day, every day. However, men who truly need sexual releases should discuss their needs with their partner. Communication is the barrier between making foolish decisions and feeling hopeless. Unfortunately, a man may realize that a relationship is not the best place for a him; since he cannot control his impulses. It is cheaper to keep to her!
She Said:
This is a hard one, no pun intended. I know I am going to anger a lot of people with this, but hear me out. Life happens on a continuum. Good, strong, vibrant relationships take two people to be successful. Therefore, bad, weak, failing relationships also require two people to make them happen. If you take that idea a step further, cheating is often the result of two party operations. No, an individual cannot make the choices for their partners. However, that individual’s actions- or inactions- can push and contribute to their partner making poor decisions. In the case of a mismatched sex drive, this point is driven home.
Relationships mandate effort and work. This work is not and should never be selectively given.
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Women who cannot keep up with the drive of their partners must understand that while sex is not everything, it is something. So, if she isn’t willing to compromise, and at the very least, participate in activities that help her partner to release their sexual tension, someone else will. Further, relationships mandate effort and work. This work is not and should never be selectively given. A woman has to work on every aspect of her relationship for that relationship to be successful. Like my husband remarked, sometimes people just need to talk to one another. Outside of talking with each other, a woman who lacks the ability to perform should check out her diet, health and exercise routine. Even as a woman going through early menopause, I can attest to the benefits of running…so can my husband!
For a woman who needs more than her man can provide, communicate, communicate, communicate. Some men are very open to the idea of adding flavor to the sexual relationship through toys, people, positioning, and intimacy. The biggest thing to avoid is resentment of your partner. Sex for women can be such an emotion undertaking. Confiding in other men or women about this issue, without speaking with one’s partner, can lead to the termination of relationships. At the end of the day, ask yourself if sex is worth your partner. If it is, leave the relationship. If it isn’t, check yourself before you make a mistake that you cannot fix.
—Photo pedrosimoes7/Flickr
My sense is that, with the acknowledgement that the particulars around communication and diet and the like are import factors, a general principle in these discussions gets lost and that principle is this: You can have strict monogamy, or you can have a low libido, but you can’t have both. Low libido partners (generally speaking, women) don’t get asymmetrical veto power over their high libido partner’s sex life. No partner can unilaterally end the other’s sex life. We need to recognize and call out that behavior for the emotional blackmail that it is. Of course it goes without saying, but… Read more »
Imagine if you had said to women “Go get a medical solution because you’re not lubricated at the drop of a hat when men you to be”….. That’s what you have said for men to do.
Joe: That is absolutely not what was said. For the record though, that was said to me, and I accepted and respected that. It was true. At the end of the day, people enter into relationships for different reasons. Most of the time, you become intimate with someone that you are attracted to, and share commonalities with. This article was written from the point of someone who has been in a relationship and the sex drive has changed. Therefore, something isn’t right. It could be medical, it could be diet, it could be physical or mental. Point is, something has… Read more »
Krishnabrodhi
I like your view on this ,
There seems like there is a “should” around having perfectly matched levels of sex drive or that one’s sex drive should stay the same throughout the entirety of a relationship. I think that is a false and unrealistic path of logic. Much like the idea that lovers should climax at the same time or even have a climax at all during every session of intercourse. In truth sexual desire is not always constant and when it is not it doesn’t always indicate a problem. Yes diet can effect it and other physical issues but the seed of sexual desire is… Read more »
Thanks for that. While I have never been married, I vacillate between feeling I climax to early, too late, or not at all. Even if the latter situations occur, it does not mean I have not enjoyed the sex. Intimacy and physical stimulation….good! I tend to be quiet without regard to the end result, and have in the past made ‘fake noise’ to let my partner know things are going well. So much better if I can just say ‘ all is well unnless I say something different!’.
Krishnabrodhi. Your response is a great article. Would you consider writing one up for us at GMP?
Krishnabrodhi: I appreciate your sentiment, but I disagree with a lot of what you said. Relationships are all about expectations AND compromise. You cannot have one without the other. That is unrealistic logic. Thus, why shouldn’t there be an expectation for caring for my partners’ needs as I would care for my own? Is that not the crux of partnership? Further, how dare anyone claim their sexual needs are their responsibility, alone. THAT is why people cheat; they are searching for a way to care for their own needs, without the communication and consideration of their partner. Additionally, their partner… Read more »
I feel like the “if you can’t do it, someone else will” is pretty misleading and frankly makes a lot of assumptions about men. I think its important to to determined how the man feels about exclusivity, because even though his body might be a raging lust machine, he might we willing to do anything (with-in reason) to stay in the relationship if everything else is perfect (I actually know a fair number of men like this), and while looking at health is all well and good, I really, really, REALLY hate this statement. Which is why I think the… Read more »
Kate:
That statement isn’t exclusive to men. It applies to women as well. Is it an all assuming truth, for every situation? Absolutely not! Is it truth for a lot f situations? Yes it is! Communication is necessary, but it is often not the go to solution. People choose to struggle in silence and then make bad decisions.
Thank you for this.
I am a woman with a(n early menopause induced) reduced sex drive. Thankfully I have a husband who understands. It just helps a lot to know I’m/we’re not the only one/ones.
Thanks for commenting and sharing! It was hard to come to terms with this. I too have a very understanding husband who had to tell me to make sure things were ok. We learned- and are learning- together.