Dillan ponders why some men help, why some don’t, and a new way to think about partnership.
I saw a picture of a seemingly heterosexual couple on Facebook the other day, posted by Humans of New York. They were standing there and the caption read, “He makes a good housewife”.
It sparked some interesting conversation in the comment thread, for sure.
I paid attention because it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I left the comment, “How about instead we said, my husband makes a good husband. Or a good partner.”
My comment was echoed by many and quickly disappeared among many jokes about his lack of masculinity as well as mentions of support and, even, jealously. The jealousy is what got me. It’s interesting how many (heterosexual) women claim to want more support around the house and complain how it doesn’t happen.
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I have friends of all identities. Hetero, homo, pan, poly, etc. Folks living life in all sorts of ways, which is neither new or novel. It’s just reality. The thing I listen for whenever they talk is their level of satisfaction in their particular arrangement–because what’s the point, otherwise, right?
And I gotta tell ya, more and more I hear this complaint about men not picking up their fair share, being clueless or unsupportive around the house and how it’s a every women’s dream to find a man who would “make a good housewife”. In 2014, our lives are in fast-forward more than ever before so it has me thinking about partnership, at its very core. It takes a lot to run a household and feed ourselves well, so how can partners do it better?
1) Shift the expectations.
Each partner is going to contribute different things to keeping living quarters clean and running smoothly. Or relatively smoothly.
Due to pervasive cultural norms that start shaping us as early as age 4, many, if not most, men aren’t really socialized to develop domestic capabilities like cooking and cleaning. From working with clients to build more work/life balance and healthy habits, I can say with aplomb that it isn’t just men who struggle taking care of their s%&$. It seems to be a dying art, quite frankly, and has me a bit scared. But in relationships, it matters even more when competent help comes from each end. If one partner isn’t molded the same as the other, it makes “sharing” more complicated that we might think.
Why are we surprised that men don’t make good housewives? Let’s even say, good domestic partners. I feel like we are confusing the guys in our lives. I think it’s sorta quirky how we raise men to be strong, confident providers, but part of that process involves keeping clear the lines of gender roles and norms. Boys do this, girls do this. But once adulthood hits, those gender roles that one spends years learning and refining seem to be pissing off their counterparts. I think about my nephew, who asked for purple shoes at the age of 3. The kid just wanted some purple Crocs and it wasn’t an option. Heck, no. Boys don’t wear purple.
How many boys are encouraged to play with trucks over kitchen-time and dressing dolls? Into high school and college, how many sons are taught to wash dishes correctly (by hand, the way I learned) or do their own laundry? These skills or competencies are taught, they don’t just happen by default. Our society keeps these rigid gender norms in place and celebrates them, sometimes threateningly so.
There is no hard and fast rule, really, that says one person needs to do the cooking and cleaning and one person should do the roofing and engine repair. We left those times a long time ago but it’s clear the norms still exist and influence us.
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Then people wonder why men aren’t able to change the oil, do the dishes, wash/dry/fold laundry perfectly and patch a roof on an average Saturday. Some men can and do these things, it’s true. But most tend toward what they know and feel most confident doing. Or what they are told they are supposed to like, want and need to do to be a man. Cooking, cleaning and laundry, if unpracticed or unfamiliar, can be intimidating. Most men are socialized to be in control, have it covered at all times and be the source of strength in the family. If it isn’t safe to look like you don’t know what you’re doing, what do you do? You avoid doing it!
2) Celebrate relative strengths.
Let’s say a man decides to overcome a fear or lack of awareness and steps forward. What if his attempts, perhaps faulty and imperfect, are met with criticism, blame or attacks on his masculinity or manhood? How does that affect his inclination to try again? Isn’t it easier to leave it to the person who claims to do it so well to begin with? If a partner is critical or holds expectations of how something “should” be done, according to how that person was raised, it can be difficult for the other person to contribute in a meaningful way.
Social norms aside, we are also products of our primary environment–our childhood homes. If dishes were washed or laundry was folded a particular way in the home where you were raised, be conscious of that. It may not be a universal thing. Maybe your partner had little to no responsibility for household tasks in general before becoming your partner. Tough to imagine, but the reality for many.
A partner’s avoidance to step up or contribute, maybe partly coming from fear or unfamiliarity and sometimes from good old-fashioned human sloth, may trigger the tendency in some women to complain and commiserate. Could this complaining play a role in the perpetuation of the mystifying phenomenon of men not helping enough or the right way? Women complain that men don’t help and this perpetuates the dynamic that she has to save the household from destruction. Traditional gender roles are thereby effectively reinforced within the relationship and externally in the surrounding relationships (culture) and the cycle continues. This is just some basic sociology and psychology here, folks. It’s how people, and cultures, work and change over time. What’s missing, I think, is that perspective. When folks fail to see the bigger picture of how things work, they miss the chance to see how or why they may want to change things, or even become more honest that they may not want anything to change.
Individuals may bring different things to the table that help the house be whole. I know of one husband who aces bedtime with his toddler while his wife is a rockstar in the kitchen. Another guy I know builds shelving with his own hands that makes the living space feel like a treehouse. Simply stunning. One partner I know organizes all the household expenses, does most of the cooking AND household repairs.
3) Think outside the binary box.
As a feminist, these generalizations make my head hurt. It’s hard to write in such essentialized terms, putting people into stereotyped boxes of male/man and female/woman with socialized norms because it glosses over all the beautiful diversity and deviation happening in the real world. Not only are people identifying outside these binary identities (as transgender, queer or any number of different identities) but the roles themselves aren’t assigned to a specific person anymore. There is no hard and fast rule, really, that says one person needs to do the cooking and cleaning and one person should do the roofing and engine repair. We left those times a long time ago but it’s clear the norms still exist and influence us. It’s also clear that they bug some but aren’t a problem for others. Some people feel very comfortable and content in those roles.
We can shape society by encouraging people to shed old-school gender roles and simply be more responsible and responsive in their relationships.
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I hear the discontent as society evolving before us. I hear woman managing a lot and asking husbands to step up. I hear men hesitant to do what feels unfamiliar or unmanly.
We, ladies, gentlemen and those who identity outside that gender binary, are watching culture unfold and change shape before us. And we can play a role in shaping it. We can shape it by encouraging people to shed old-school gender roles and simply be more responsible and responsive in their relationships. We can stop relegating chores and tasks to specific people and encourage everyone to pitch in MORE in general. We can celebrate what people do well and consider everyone doesn’t have the same skills as the next person. Relationships benefit from strengths and weaknesses in different areas—like those group projects we all loved in middle school!
The more we do this, perhaps men will feel more willing and able to shed societal norms and step up. And we can say they make not great housewives but great husbands or great partners, instead.
photo courtesy of the author
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I think whoever wrote your subtitled nailed it. Men “help.” People who “help” aren’t responsible for the outcome; they are just chipping in, and it’s virtuous that they do it. Helping is optional. As long as anybody, of any gender, is part of a household and sees their contribution as optional, a nice thing to do to contribute, something they should get brownie points for, people will be unhappy. A person I shared a house with once learned really quickly (and was outraged, which taught me something about choosing better housemates) when I stopped taking any responsibility for anybody’s cleaning… Read more »
Evelyn, it looks like Lynn Carter and you share a brain! So interesting. Yes, I hear you about the “helping” thing. Makes total sense. I meant that both folks need to help with what is the usually understood list of tasks to get done. It’s true that men aren’t the only ones who enter relationships (romantic or platonically domestic) without the same shared understanding of what those tasks may be. Upbringing has a lot to do with this and I think couples come together and perhaps don’t talk about this stuff enough before it becomes a problem. And then it… Read more »
I think whoever wrote your subtitled nailed it. Men “help.” People who “help” aren’t responsible for the outcome; they are just chipping in, and it’s virtuous that they do it. Helping is optional. As long as anybody, of any gender, is part of a household and sees their contribution as optional, a nice thing to do to contribute, something they should get brownie points for, people will be unhappy. A person I shared a house with once learned really quickly (and was outraged, which taught me something about choosing better housemates) when I stopped taking any responsibility for anybody’s cleaning… Read more »
Thanks for this article, Dillan. Having raised a boy from two years old when my ex-wife abandoned us, I see value in taking care of business whether it be cooking or repairing the lawnmower. Now that I’m married again and have a four year old daughter you will find me cooking, cleaning, dusting, vacuuming and doing laundry along with the more traditional male tasks of minor plumbing and electrical repairs because my wife has a minimum of an hour commute and works a 9+ hour day. I have a 10 minute commute…seven minutes to drop my daughter off at the… Read more »
I can’t even express how much I enjoyed your comment, Barbaric! Thanks so much for leaving such a progressive and clear contribution to this conversation! 🙂
Thanks for this article, Dillan. Having raised a boy from two years old when my ex-wife abandoned us, I see value in taking care of business whether it be cooking or repairing the lawnmower. Now that I’m married again and have a four year old daughter you will find me cooking, cleaning, dusting, vacuuming and doing laundry along with the more traditional male tasks of minor plumbing and electrical repairs because my wife has a minimum of an hour commute and works a 9+ hour day. I have a 10 minute commute…seven minutes to drop my daughter off at the… Read more »