Dan Griffin, self-described “recovering dick”, urges us to drop the self-righteous arrogance that comes with gender warfare and find what uniquely fits us.
Hear me out. There was a time – only a generation ago – when men had free license to be dicks. Assholes. Controlling SOBs. The collective of male approval and many of our institutions sanctioned control over women and children and even violence and abuse, infidelity, perennial double-standards, and outright oppression. Then women began to say “Enough” and demand their voices be heard. They demanded equal rights and fair treatment. That has only been a positive. It was a full-on revolution against institutionalized dickishness.
Being a dick is no longer tolerated by the majority of men or women in this country. Some of the more intransigent bastions of traditional dickishness – fraternities, military, and sports teams – have begun to turn the corner significantly, though many of them not of their own volition. At least not at first. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of those groups still have some way to go to truly root out sexism and just general dickish behavior. And there are a lot of dicks still out there but they are a dying breed. Their time is limited because it simply is not being tolerated anymore. Plus, underlying all of that dickish behavior? Insecurity, shame, feelings of inadequacy, etc. Part of why dickishness is fading away is because it is a very lonely and unhappy way to live – as a dick. No guy is happy when acting like a dick – unless he is a sociopath. I should know, as a bit of a recovering dick, myself. What has changed is that we no longer see dicks as real men, the kind of men we want to be – they are just dicks. And, there are degrees of dickishness.
Now some of you are going to retort: “So, who decides what is dickish behavior?” Good question and remember, this is somewhat rhetorical not someone speaking from the holy see. My only response is that every time I have been a dick – much more often than I wish – I have known it. At some level I knew it. I have either been willing to own it or have had it eat away at me. Some years ago I simply did not reflect on my behavior; I was too self-centered to do so. Sometimes I still need the counsel of other men and women to help me discern if I have crossed the “dick” line. My wife certainly doesn’t hesitate to tell me.
However, an important distinction that I did not hear in Hugo’s post: it is not just men who are responsible for perpetuating this gender hierarchy and training of boys to become dicks. It is other boys and girls and women. The media. Our schools. There are still a lot of dicks that are role models. There are still a lot of dicks that are the putative successful men (insert dick of your choice, here.) Women as they raise their sons can reinforce traditional gender stereotypes and raise little dicks or they vehemently resist those stereotypes and, in effect, emasculate their sons in the name of preventing them from becoming, you guessed it, dicks. Or out of their own disdain for or anger at all of the dicks that have hurt them. The point is many women have some culpability here. One of the worst things that some feminists do is make men the bad guy rather than understanding that gender is a system operating at multiple levels that affects both men and women and literally pits us against one another – evidenced by so many of the caustic comments fired back and forth between the various camps hunkering down on GMP. But, yes, there are some dicks making some really dickish comments on the GMP site – all in a futile attempt to hang onto their crumbling Dickdom.
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Okay, so I have been talking a little tongue-in-cheek. As Hugo said, there are a lot of great things about traditional masculinity. But I think we would all agree there is nothing really acceptable about being a dick. And, yes, for a lot of men who act like dicks – it is a phase and one that they ultimately grow out of. That does not make it okay but it does tell us that once a dick, not always a dick. A lot of men and women have found this as they have matured in their marriages and as parents. It is hard to be a dick and stay married these days. And none of us want dicks raising kids – because dicks tend to beget dicks. Or at least boys very confused about what it takes be a real man. There are a lot of recovering dicks out there – and we are growing in number and size.
Many of the gender warriors out to flay and fillet all dicks are probably much more like the centurions of traditional gender roles than they may ever want to admit. Everything is a reaction. Constantly on the attack or the defensive. I used to live that way and it was one of my greatest drugs. It also kept me being one of the worst kinds of dicks – a self-righteous one. It is not worth my peace of mind to live that way. And, I have lost some of the arrogance that allowed me to presume I knew what was best for someone else. Or that I had the right to judge them based upon a one-dimensional understanding of their life. Even dicks can be pretty complex characters. (In the end, dicks are like everyone else – they want to be loved. It is just that some of them want to be able to continue being dicks and be loved – and that is a…uhm…hard one to swallow.) There is one mantra I have for my life today – it is the essence, to me, of the examined life: be who you are. I continue to grow and pay attention to my inner voice (yes, I said it.) Rather than trying to wear someone else’s “feminine” or “masculine” clothing, I find and embrace parts of myself that feel as though they really fit me. The man I want to be. That I choose to be. When I do that, I can breathe a whole lot easier. And I am a whole lot less likely to be a dick.
Read Hugo Schwyzer’s post that prompted this one:
The Opposite of “Man” is “Boy” not “Woman”
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photo by lxn271 / flickr
I agree that they are on the rise – dickishness and cuntishness
An arms race of sorts looking for a truce. The easiest way to spot dickish and cuntish behavior is to carry a small pocket mirror and hold it up to a suspect – if they are transfixed by their own reflection, then your hunch is correct.
While I disagree with some of the specifics, I do agree with the general premise of the article. Being able to identify bad behavior is a lot more useful than stereotyping an entire gender as bad. I do disagree, however, that dick behavior is on the decline. While great strides have been made in the most extreme of areas (abuse, violence, etc.), I think that the lesser instances of “dickdom” are actually on the rise. I get the feeling that it’s pretty acceptable to have disrespectful “guy talk” and objectify women. I think that this is what needs to be… Read more »
Lindsey – I hope you are wrong about dickishness being on the rise. I do not see it. In fact, I am constantly amazed at venues – even behind the scenes – where there are so many opportunities for real dickish behavior and it just doesn’t happen. There is no doubt that it is still out there I just so cannot see how it has gotten worse or is on the rise. For me it is unequivocally on the decline but my perspective is probably as subjective as yours….
I agree with Lindsey that it’s on the upswing again. My view is probably every bit as subjective as yours and Lindsey’s!
I hope I’m wrong, too. Being a man, you do probably have more insight than I do. Also, because you’re married with kids, you may have a different crowd than I do. Let’s hope that dickishness is, in fact, on its way out.
hmmm i didn’t find this negative, I real get upset at a lot of my own gender because of this behavior. the number of people i have suggested to make a conscious choice to be the person they want to be, both male and female, because the gender role they were raised in was not a fit for them. They aren’t transgendered bu they came to their own decision that what SOCIETY says their gender should be was wrong.
i thought it was a good Article
Interesting article, now all we need to do is to remove all the instant gratification that comes from being a Dick…. Then maybe we could teach young boys (and girls) that violence is not to be used as social equity…. Maybe later we could retire that patronizing term “Real Man” …cuz ya-know, it flys in the face of those who say Manhood can’t be taken from you. So maybe chicks [Mature Women] will digg nice guys [passive aggressive Losers]… Shouldn’t be too hard… Well Until masculine development ceases to be an exercise in hierarchical douche baggery, I reserve the right to remain… Read more »
I’ve perceived that, with the return of “business is wonderful” ideologies with Reagan, dickness became very acceptable again. It accounts for the 2001 and 2007 Wall Street meltdowns, and for much bad and bullying behavior in organizations. I think sports teams and business are repositories for it, but maybe the military not so much (I’m a vet but got out in 1968.) The only problem with connecting dickness with “male” is that many of the dicks are women now too. I think we seriously need to connect the ways that organizations foster inhumane treatment. Mobbing and scapegoating are common. We… Read more »
Hi Henry – i did not want to muddy the waters in my post but there is no question that women can be dicks, too. Still, if you were to take 100 men and 100 women – how likely is is that you would have more “women” dicks than “men” dicks – or even close? Not likely at all because the way a lot of men are raised moves us toward dickishness…in other words, it is a significant enough issue for men that it merits us only talking about men. Maybe it has made a resurgence, in general – i… Read more »
Today men are raised to be kind to women and treat them with respect, but women are raised to focus on themselves and treat men however they like. In that I would say women now are being raised to be like dicks. They are taught to focus on their power, money and status over all else. These are the messages of our society but not a indictment of women per say. Women’s empowerment promotes this perspective and women have embraced it. The roles have been reversed somewhat but if you might be too old to experience the effects causing you… Read more »
I was going to add in a bit about female dicks into my other post (below) but didn’t have the time. One of the reasons that I think it’s important to curb dick behavior in men is that I see it emulated more and more by women. Women have been picking up male traits for quite a while now and it’s starting to spread. When women accept this behavior in men, they also get the impression that it’s acceptable for them to do, too. While this notion is great for “equality”, it’s not great for society. It’s important that we… Read more »
One of the reasons that I think it’s important to curb dick behavior in men is that I see it emulated more and more by women. Women have been picking up male traits for quite a while now and it’s starting to spread. I’m sure you don’t mean it as so but this comes off sounding like women are picking up jerkish behavior from men similar to how children pick up jerkish behavior from their parents. It’s important that we say “this type of behavior is wrong… for everyone”, rather than casting it as a male problem because that would… Read more »
The term “dick” was used because this is a men’s site, discussing male culture. If it were an article about women, bitch would be used. This has everything to do the the specific nature of the article, not about behavior in general. There are certain types of jerk behavior that skew on gender lines. For example, women may tend to gossip more than men, while men tend to objectify women more. We were discussing male behavior because this site is about men. It doesn’t mean that women don’t also behave like jerks in some way, too. “Dickish” women refers to… Read more »
Saying, “That woman was a bitch to me” is fine. Presuming you are a woman you are one of the first I’ve ever come across that’s ever actually given a context in which calling a woman a bitch was the least bit justified. In my own experience its supposedly wrong in any context you can think of. And that’s why I feel that there is something unfair about condeming use of bitch (in any and all contexts) while defending the use of dick. In short why is it that even on a progressive feminist site its okay to call (insert… Read more »
SO many times, I have run into a wall of misconception about “equality.” A lot of women believe that in order to be equal, women have to be seen as better than men. It is total nonsense, but that’s really what some women believe. I have gotten into a lot of arguments over that very issue!
Women are not emulating men they can do just fine on their own. Power and the abuse of it comes naturally to people regardless of gender. Men don’t need to alter their behavior on the grounds women might copy them as if women were impressionable children. I find that to be disrespectful to women.
Good news. I found some male-positive pieces here at the GMP. For example, Jim Moss’ pieces are very uplifting. Interestingly, he discusses with pride his “role” as a father.
https://goodmenproject.com/author/jamesmoss/
Another good piece is by Elizabeth Benedict about how men suffer gender-based discriminaton in family court.
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/when-the-space-shuttle-dies-its-boys-against-girls/
Although these non-male-bashing pieces don’t get top billing and stay on the home page for only a few hours or a day or so, they are a refeshing change of pace.
Come on, Dan. How about a positive message for a change? I’m sure you mean well, but the misandristic generalizations have become so repititive here at the GMP. I really would love to see something from the GMP that didn’t cast males as inferior “dicks.” for a change. Evidently your experience is as you describe. However, behavior such as you describe was never tolered from men (or women) in my family and loads of families I know of, going back at least to my parent’s grandparents. And It had nothing to do with outside “institutions.” Mistreating and abusing others was… Read more »
Hi Eric – I thought I had responded but i did not show up. I think your comment makes my point. The big question is whether your family reflects the norm or not. My guess is no though I would like to be wrong. My post is not about casting males as inferiors – it is for those men who cast themselves in a certain light and really moving away from any valorization of that which is a lot more common even though not in your family. Nonetheless, you make a good point that got me thinking about how i… Read more »
We don’t disagree on everything but we see humans through very different lenses. I try to see the good in people, male and female, old and young, and reinforce that good by acknowledging it. Constant, unlrelenting criticism is not constructive, IMO. “My post is not about casting males as inferiors” I know that was not your intent but it sounds that way. As a further example is this follow-on comment: ” Still, if you were to take 100 men and 100 women – how likely is is that you would have more “women” dicks than “men” dicks – or even… Read more »
Eric I think our exchange is important. I should have been more explicit: I acknowledge that my writing can come across as negative and I intend to pay much closer attention to it. How would YOU state some of these comments? It is easy to be a critic – step up and write an article. I think you have something really important to contribute. The reality is that men are much more likely to be dicks than women – your not wanting to acknowledge that seems to cross the line into the realm of denial as opposed to seeing the… Read more »
If by “dick” you mean an arrogant power-monger, I agree that men are more likely to get that way. Women can too, just as easily in fact, if all else is equal. Even today, I see that the establisment still favors men. Cultural norms like that seldom get shaken in just one or two generations. It’s a heck of a lot better for me than it was for my mother. And my mother bought into that establishment; she said inequality was an advantage for her to look for work, because she got paid about half what men did and her… Read more »
Hi Kitti – I am always surprised to learn how many women (and men) do not understand that behind some of the most arrogant, cocky, and rude men are scared and insecure “little boys” who have learned how to be that way to protect themselves, often very early on. Thanks for sharing your comments
I don’t know I think a lot of people notice it but only care enough to throw in their face rather than actually do something to show them they don’t have to be that way.
So are you willing to say cocky arrogant and rude women are “insecure little girls” because if you are not your perspective seems sexist, biased and anti male. I think there are just as many female dicks as male dicks and your particular perspective is probably about keeping one eye shut too long.
Dan – you are so right. It’s much easier to throw stones at someone who has the chutzpah to put themselves out there to write an article as you do. I admire your courage. However, even if I did write one, I doubt it would be published here. The fact that it wouldn’t bash men (or women) as generalizations would lower its chances of getting past the editorial committee (or whatever the process is here). Also, I’m pretty well known in quite a few places and wouldn’t want to create any sensation to detract from the volunteer work that I… Read more »
Eric, I just want to say that of course we would publish a post if you wrote it. This statement below is patently wrong and blatantly unfair: “The fact that it wouldn’t bash men (or women) as generalizations would lower its chances of getting past the editorial committee (or whatever the process is here). ” We do two things here. 1) We encourage men to “tell it like they see it” — with their version of how they honestly see the world and react to it. and 2) We look for balance across all stories and not necessarily in a… Read more »
Lisa, I respectfully disagree with your statement that GMP does not believe in men-bashing. Although Dan’s seems like a good well intentioned guy, this article is an example, IMO. It not only bashes males as singularly being the ones who are “phallic pejoratives” but it does so using crude sexist language. That you all don’t see it that way is unfortunate. I am not trying to be mean or disrespectful, just telling it as I see it.
Thank you for the invitation. I will give the article some thought.
I think that some people here have missed the point of the article. The author wasn’t suggesting that all, or even most, of men are “dicks.” He was simply suggesting that, rather than using women or boys as an “other” for good men, the other could be bad men. In general, I think that this is a good approach. The opposite of a good person is, by nature, a bad person. People use both positive and negative role models to shape themselves. While the positive role models are pretty clear (the rescuers that you mentioned are a great starting point),… Read more »
Once again, thanks Lindsey for actually reading the article and understanding what I was saying. I would say that very few people are good or bad – the danger is somehow determining a man is “bad” as opposed to acting badly. One is a temporary way of being and the other is fixed and unchanging.
Eric – please take what Lisa said seriously – and contribute. The comment about rescuers is great! Your last paragraph tells me we have very similar dispositions on this topic. However, I am not sure why you insist on reading the article as having made this gross generalization of men or broad sweeping stereotype of men. I said the opposite of “man” is “dick” – moving it away from the comparison to boy or women, which often (unintentionally) disparages one or both of those as somehow inferior or not desirable or incomplete. Lindsey’s comment (below) says it well. I did… Read more »
Dan, I considered listing the instances where you stated, in essense – not that all men are “phallic pejoratives”, rather that all “phallic pejoratives” are male. But, that seems small and petty. If you re-read you may see what I mean. I also find your language choice crude and sexist. That’s just MO.
I will think about the article. It’s unfortunate that such an article on a site called Good Men would be a revelation. Let’s see if we can do more to build up rather than tear down.
The problem I think may be like this. When you say that opposite of a man may be a dick you say you are talking about good man vs a bad man. To me dick is a use of a very gendered word (because most of the people of who dicks are men) to describe a behavior that is not exclusive to the subset of all people who have dicks. Similar to why people have a problem with calling cowardly people pussies (I’m sure most people who have vaginas don’t like the idea of having their genitals associated with a… Read more »