Andrew D. S. James takes a look at his own personal views of masculinity in response to the debate sparked by Tom Matlack’s recent posts.
Tom’s piece “Being a Dude is a Good Thing” has troubled me. His narrative about how men, “get blamed for everything,” rings hollow to me. His description of masculinity conjures all sorts of antiquated demons I thought we had laid to rest long ago. I suppose not. So, I write this to present an alternative narrative — my masculinity.
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I love my Father. He is my favorite person on this Earth. However, my Father is not the kind of man to raise a son to become a Feminist ally. He was born to a hard life on a farm in the poorest parish of Jamaica in 1927. As a Black man immigrating to this country in the 1950s, he faced his own challenges. As he marched and chaired organizations to lobby for the rights of persons of color in the United States he never connected the dots to see the interwoven nature of the struggle for gender equality – or, perhaps better stated, gender equity. To this day, he continues to lament the disproportionate nature of racial inequality while simultaneously insisting his third wife prepare all his meals, clean his house, and dutifully receive her monthly allowance from him to buy household necessities.
Given this role model I suppose you can see where my path toward masculinity headed. In school, I played every sport possible. I tackled hard. I talked trash. I dunked on people. I studied the martial arts. I beat people up. After high school, I joined the military. I freaking guarded nuclear missiles with a damn machine gun for God’s sake. For real. After the military I fought in full-contact martial arts tournaments, which occasionally included breaking the bones of complete strangers. I was a “real man.”
But you know what I also did during that time? I took courses on watercolor. I learned how to figure skate. I took salsa lessons. I played the violin for fifteen years. I became a classically trained opera singer. I developed an affinity for Shakespeare and Henry Fielding. I acted in several musicals and plays. I made love to beautiful women. I made myself vulnerable enough for these same women to make love to me. Now that can mean many things. If it sounds physical to you, sure, it is. If it sounds emotional and/or spiritual to you, sure, it’s that too.
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I don’t know. I’m frustrated by this whole thing. I’ve never been nagged by a woman in my life. I’ve never felt belittled for being a man. I’ve never lived in the world of American sitcoms where capable, beautiful Women are happy to marry bumbling, shallow men, and I’m glad. The women I surround myself with respect me and themselves enough to never make that a reality. There’s been a tremendous amount of space here devoted to saying nasty things about Feminists. To those folks I would ask: have you ever actually developed any kind of relationship with a Feminist? Feminists can be amazing partners. The most significant relationship I’ve ever had has been with a Feminist scholar. She came to me from a place of power and understanding. We stood together as equals. Try making love to a Woman that is self-actualized like a Feminist. I promise you’ll never go back.
I’m not trying to say guarding nuclear missiles while learning watercolor is the only way to become a real man. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are several flavors of masculinity. My particular flavor happens to represent the ability to be physically and emotionally present. Where I feel Tom and I disagree is that to be emotionally present isn’t an indicator of femininity in my estimation; it’s an indicator of humanity. The gender studies Professor and Navy SEAL can be the same person. I hope I am proof of that.
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Oh, and you may have asked how I was able to navigate away from my Father’s troubling performance of masculinity to craft my own, healthier version. The reason is simple: my Mother wouldn’t have it any other way.
About Andrew D. S. James
Just because a woman calls herself a feminist doesn’t mean she has the same beliefs and opinions as other feminist.
Painting every feminist as being all the same or any member of a group as being all the same is very dangerous
Well stated.
Thanks, Andrew.
Beautiful piece.
Andrew, this is really great. First of all, you’re a wonderful writer. But more than that, you are confident in yourself without needing to put anyone down. The story about your father was painful for me to read. My father was similar in his treatment of my mother, and his father (my grandfather) was the same way too. I grew up in a family where women served men. They did not work outside the home. They put meals on the table at 6:00 sharp, and then washed the dishes. They got an allowance, and had to justify every dollar they spent. On evenings and weekends, they were on duty with the kids (just as they had been all week long) while husbands watched t.v. or played golf, etc, and had private time or time with guy friends.
I also grew up in Civil Rights-era Georgia. So many people were racists, and I’m ashamed to say plenty in my family were. Somehow, I saw that as wrong, as did my brothers, and over time, we distanced ourselves from that part of our heritage and all moved to blue states up north! We also all lead lives that incorporate the principles of equality for women in ways that were not demonstrated for us.
What intrigues me is the way you turned out different too. My two brothers and I often wonder what made it possible for us to break the cycle and to create very different lives for ourselves and our children. Somehow we all grew up caring greatly about combating the “isms” in life, and devoted actual personal work towards that goal. There was a point in time where all three of us worked for nonprofits–placing the good of society above our own earnings. I’m not saying this to brag–I’m saying it to make the point that I identify with the way you decided for *yourself* what masculinity means, and that you were able to break free of any modeling that as an adult did not sit well with you. My brothers have both done that too.
Unfortunately, in my first marriage, I replicated the pattern set for me. My husband dominated me in every way, I was a feminist deep inside, but could not find my voice. I could not speak up and ask to be treated fairly and in a manner that was not demeaning. I certainly had none of the negative traits, and still don’t, that I see a lot of commenters attribute wholesale to “feminists”. To me, feminism meant not being a doormat as much as anything! All of the feminists I know are like the ones you know.
“There’s been a tremendous amount of space here devoted to saying nasty things about Feminists.” I know, and I don’t get it. I just think some people have a lot of anger about their lives, and need someone to blame. But to be fair, I see some feminists on this site lashing out too. I just think they are the minority, not the entire lot, as so many commenters state. The ones you and I know are…really very different. Thank you for validating that. Sometimes the comment threads on GMP feel like the Twilight Zone to me!
My first husband left me and our daughter when his midlife crisis hit, hooked up with a woman young enough to be his daughter, and left me holding the bag after 25 years of taking care of him. Now I am remarried and I made a better choice…a man who is comfortable in his own skin, comfortable with women, emotionally expressive, confident in that, and has no need to put me down or to feel that if I succeed in some way, that takes something away from him. I finally found my voice. I do not use it harshly, but I do stand up for what I feel I deserve not only as a woman, but as a human being.
I bear no ill will towards men. Rather like them! I just did what you say here; “The women I surround myself with respect me and themselves enough to never make that a reality.” It’s all about who we choose to be with, isn’t it? I choose to be around men who are supportive, just as you do with women. Men and women can sit around trashing each other–slandering each other as “feminists” or “MRAs,” but it’s such a waste of time and energy. We can equally choose to be happy, and surround ourselves with positive members of the opposite sex. I don’t like being around people who bash other people.
I think it is much about who we surround ourselves with. I like the visual of am I being a good candle or a good mirror. Do I light a way or do I reflect back goodness to those seeking it. A little woo-woo for me but it resonates.
Wow. Thanks for sharing Lori. If you think about it, it is kind of amazing that you bear no ill will toward men.
What is even more amazing is all the vocal MRA’s who do not know me from Adam but assume that I do have ill will towards men and freely tell me that I do. And of course, if *I* ASSumed similar things about them vis-a-vis women, and told them how they feel and what they believe, they’d jump down my throat for the audacity, but it is ok for them to label me and ascribe feelings/beliefs to me that I don’t have, simply because I have two X chromosomes, and for bunches of them to pile on at will… and then say they are not really doing that, and it’s not the same thing, because what they are saying is “true.” And if I flipped the table on them the same way–which I NEVER due because I work very hard to improve the environment on this site–they would point out to me, loudly and in great numbers, that all men are not the same. We live in a world of hypocrisy.
Not to put too fine a point on it, MRA’s are idiots.
I’m not defending MRA’s, and am not an MRA; however, as I have said here many times, those without rational arguments often stoop to hurling insults. If you have an argument with facts, logic, and substance, make it.
Isn’t it interesting that someone who identifies as an atheist uses an insult rather than reason.
How hypocritical is that?
Another point to consider is that the primary means of argument against MRAs is insults, period. Far more consistently than MRAs attacking femenists personally. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen because some MRAs unfortunately do stoop to the level of personalising, but it is not standard operating procedure as far as debate is concerned.
In other words ad hominem attacks deviod of anything else are far more likely to be aimed at MRAs as opposed to the other way round. Also what they are saying basically is true, otherwise it would be refuted as opposed to merely putting the word in inverted commas, how about some propsitional reasoning for a change?
“But to be fair, I see some feminists on this site lashing out too. I just think they are the minority, not the entire lot, as so many commenters state.”
I’m not an MRA by any means, but some of the feminist writer articles and comments, from the standpoint of a regular, middle of the road, guy come off as very hostile toward boys and men. So, you start off with a foundation of what most men would consider false and hateful accusations and insults. And, then when feminists chime in applauding and agreeing with with the arguments, it spirals down hill from there. There is no possible way that will end well. Such, once again, reaffirm in the mind of male reader/commenter that feminism is against men.
“I’m not an MRA by any means, but some of the feminist writer articles and comments”
Correction: “some of the feminists writer articles. . .” (not comments)
My heart is warmed by the kind responses here and the sharing that is occurring on Twitter and Facebook. Thank you all from the same place I wrote this from.
Lori – Thank you so very much for sharing your story; it has moved me to tears. Sharing in this way can help people in ways we never know. Thank you for being another voice for that next person out there that needs to read what you’ve written. I’m glad to hear you and your brothers were able to escape the pattern your family established. It speaks volumes about you all. I’m sorry you weren’t able to escape it with your first marriage but I felt an overwhelming sense of joy that you were able to separate yourself from it to find the you that had been there all along. That was the part of your story that moved me most.
I too choose to be happy. Thanks for making that a whole lot easier today : )
You’re so welcome.
Nothing like a feminist woman to bring out the very best in you!
Oh, and sometimes reading Matlack makes me want to gouge my own eyes out.
I don’t get this idea that regular masculine men must be knuckle-draggers. Who believes that?
I know just about everything about the female reproductive system, including virtually everything that can go wrong with it. Lady friends know they can come to me when they can’t get to their OB/GYN for some reason. As a result of personal relationships and my volunteer work, there are many women who consider me a close confidant. I’m long married with two daughters I’m extremely close to, plus 4 sisters. I changed all overnight diapers, gave all nightly baths, did the tea party thing, taught the girls to ride bikes, swim, took them to dance practice, on and on.
But, there’s not a feminine bone in my body. I’m just a regular masculine guy. Nothing special. We can come in all shapes and sizes without being the least bit feminine.
Amen Eric; amen.
Did you ever have trouble with vibrato? I’m having a hell of a time with my index finger. I can only get it up to half speed.
Valerie – did I ever! It took probably seven years for the whole shoulder/arm/wrist/hand/finger to sync up so I could get a bit going. I was all elbow for years; not very graceful. Have you tried digging your index finger into the string? I found that really pressing down gave me a sort-of pivot that I could use to get to that extra gear. I feel like once you start hitting third position and up it gets easier as well. Something to do with the decreased angle of the elbow?
BRAVO, ANDREW and LORI!!
Ok, I’m not defective then. There are a few people who give quick lessons on it on You tube and there’s all these people that comment that they could do it in a week or a month and I thought i was just one of those people who would never be able to do it. I wish I could afford to take lessons. But me and my sister are taking my dad to Ireland for his 70th B-day in May(speaking of fathers).
I’ll try that trick of pressing down hard. And yeah, i’m just starting 2nd position and it’s a lot easier. The A and E strings are the easiest. Thanks.
No, you are definitely not defective. It’s hard as heck! Some folks might grasp it quickly but everyone I know that plays/played learned it over time. Rather than worrying about paying for lessons I would recommend picking up a copy of Suzuki Book 1 and the accompanying tape/cd. You’ll learn great songs and pick up terrific technique almost from day one. Break a leg! : )
Thanks, I’m actually just staring Suzuki book 3. So, yeah, I’m well on my way. I just started late with the vibrato. I wish i would have starting learning that from the get go. Oh well. It’s like the ice skating, people make it look sooo easy. But thankfully, I’m much better at that then I am the violin. Not as much pain involved with the violin as there is with hitting the ice with a knee cap. Toe Pick. Thanks again.
Andrew, I love what you say, by why connect it to feminism, just be who you are. “Try making love to a Woman that is self-actualized like a Feminist. I promise you’ll never go back.” I make love to a self-actualised woman all the time, but she’s not a feminist. Feminism is a political viewpoint, for me, what I prefer are women who are strong in themselves, in their femininity. They may be feminists, they may not, I never ask!
Good point Graham. I agree. I suppose the leap I’m making is that a fully actualized Woman (like you and I are speaking of) has come up against the same issues that Feminism seeks to address and in facing them has found a way to work with and around those issues. Apologies for that horribly compound sentence. I don’t know that a Woman has to identify, or maybe even know she’s a Feminist, to be one. At the same time, I don’t want to back myself into a place where it sounds like I’m saying all self-actualized Women are Feminists. I think absolutes and Venn diagrams are dangerous; especially given the diversity within Feminism. Excellent thought Graham, I’m not quite sure where I stand on it.
WORD.
But you know what I have felt? Attacked and belittled for not being “manly” enough. Mocked for being interested in learning, for wanting to talk about people in a logical manner. Judged for standing up for women, when they are clearly in the right. I’m a feminist and I don’t like passive-aggressive attacks.
The better sitcoms at least turn this into a kind of meta-joke. I think the trope can be a kind of gentle teasing of the relations between sexes.
Atheist,
You may be right but my opinion is you’re giving too much credit to the American audiences’ ability to synthesize nuance and be changed by it. Audience members that are able to see the nuance in the gentle teasing were previously aware of the trope and of its trope-iness and are thus unchanged. I’m not sure audience members that have not yet been made aware of the trope can (through its rewarded performance within the entertainment vehicle) sufficiently recognize its inherent trope-iness. I could be wrong but it’s just my own gut feeling and the few things I’ve read on social learning theory.