Shawn Maxam consults his phone to count all his female friends.
Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. —Unknown
About once every few months I like to engage in a bit of technological spring cleaning. This includes clearing out my inbox, deleting files from my laptop’s hardrive and even consolidating the contacts in my cell phone. Seeing as I was married just six weeks ago it seemed apropos to engage in a little digital purging. I decide to start with my phone, during which I come across the names of several friends who happen to be women. I begin to ask myself whether I should retain the numbers and emails of these ladies who range from a cordial colleague to an absolute BFF. Is it okay for a recently married man like me to have any female friends?
The biggest misconception about the genders is that men and women can’t be friends. If we only define each other by our perceived gender and other heteronormative guidelines then I guess logic assumes all men and women must sexually objectify each other. I have female colleagues who are in their sixties. And while I don’t consider myself so universally attractive that all women want me, I can only assume that our every interaction is filled with raw subconscious sexual tension.
Since I started therapy nearly five years ago, many of my therapists have been women. I developed deep, meaningful connections with several of them. I looked at them as mentors, older sisters, and aunts. Truthfully I was too depressed to even imagine having a romantic relationship with any of these lovely people.
I think the core rationale for why we believe in our own inability to have meaningful non-romantic relationships between the genders would rest on one huge “perceived” roadblock. We assume that men and women can’t express vulnerability with one another. Beside our mothers and wives/girlfriends, we generalize this notion of men living with impenetrable walls. If men cannot connect superficially through sports or other traditional notions of masculinity than it is assumed that we can’t connect at all. The very existence of the Good Men Project proves this false. Men can discuss their emotions, sexuality and fears along with other sensitive issues if we have the spaces to do so.
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As heterosexuality is no longer assumed, what assumptions about platonic male/female relationships have gone out the window with them? We seem to believe men and women can’t be friends because of some innate sexual attraction between us. But that only makes sense within the heteronormative framework.
I have close friendships with lesbian women who are presumably not prone to finding me sexually attractive. Without that tension on their ends of our friendships, are these still platonic? I am also friends with transgender people. If a woman has a male history, is it okay for me to have a platonic friendship with her? We seem to accept that straight women can be friends with gay men. What about gay men being friends with gay women? Are we only comfortable with friendships crossing gender lines when our romantic boundaries remain unthreatened? It seems as if this is the case in many instances.
I would rather have friendships with people not genders, races, religions or professions. Definitions are murky, messy and grey just like real life. I have meaningful relationships with women but I don’t want to limit my interactions to just them or men. I am pushing forward toward wherever the future leads me. So excuse me while I go call my wife’s best friend aka my new best friend-in-law, who happens to be a lesbian woman.
—Photo Stuart Frisby/Flickr
About S. Maxam
I’m not sure what your point is. It seemed to me you were saying “look how progressive I am, in a platonic friendship with a woman.” I was unaware that this was something that was so exceptional that you had to be proud of it. I’d better go congratulate my platonic male friends on the fact that they’re friends with me.
I am trying (and I guess failing) to be tongue-in-cheek about the whole platonic male to female friendships debate. I also just wanted to ask more important questions around how we define such friendship when gender is becoming more amorphous in our modern society.
Well, given that the mods delete anything that disagrees with that viewpoint, can you really blame him?
I have had many male friends over the years. Sometimes there is an attraction that is never acted on, but often there is no attraction, just camaraderie. One thing I will say is that don’t decide to spend Valentine’s Day with an opposite sex friend just because you are both single and lonely and then get raging drunk because you may end up doing more than you bargained for… not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything!
I am a fervent advocate of male-female friendships. I have three hardcore BFFs who are guys and I love them dearly. If I could have ever dreamed up brothers, they would be these guys.
There is a great benefit to having friends of both genders. But of course these friendships have special boundaries that are steeped in respect.
I sometimes wish I had good female friends because I think it would be great to have a woman to talk to when I am dealing with relationship and marriage issues. Going to a male friend in pursuit of insight about women is just pointless. I already have a male perspective, my own. I crave a female perspective, and to get that with disclosure of private and personal information about my life. I have never been comfortable exploring platonic friendships because I worry about the perception that I may be trying to get in her pants or that we are engaging in some kind of “emotional affair”.
yeah it is rather difficult to initiate and cultivate platonic friendships Jon D especially if there is a perception of an “emotional affair” happening.
It sucks because there are benefits to having good female friends. Well good luck. I am confident you will develop some eventually.
“If we only define each other by our perceived gender and other heteronormative guidelines then I guess logic assumes all men and women must sexually objectify each other. ” Love this line!
Its an important discussion to be had. I know that I’ve had a serious long term relationship fail because I maintained that I did not want to give up my female friendships, simply because she was threatened and uncomfortable with me having female friends. She didn have a history of cheating boyfriends and I didnt have a history of cheating. Her grounds for being upset were unfounded, she was simply insecure. Having said all of that, I can say that having female friends has certainly placed strain on many of my relationships. I dont think I’m a super attractive man, but I find that some women are attracted to me. Even if we maintain that a friendship is better, they may still have physical desire for me, or I for them. But having an attraction and acting on attraction are two very different things. Immediately consigning that men will cheat simply because there is another woman around doesn’t really place much faith in that person or relationship. Kudos to you for maintaining plutonic relationships alongside your matrimonial one. It’s not impossible. I find that an equal number of men have this same issue with their partner maintaining plutonic relationships with other men as well. I’ve always felt that if the trust is there, there should be no cause for concern. If they’ve cheated before, that’s another situation entirely!
I totally agree with the points you made Gordon. I hope you find a someone who can trust you and not allow social mores or insecurity to limit your platonic friendships. Good luck sir and thanks for reading and commenting. Much appreciated.
Hey, Gordon. I love “plutonic” friendships!
OY… guess thats my bad for not proof reading, Hank
I’m okay with female friends, and so is my wife. But I also have friendships with two ex female lovers, one close, one not. The one with the close one is working out okay, much to my surprise. Not too tempting– and we can make each other laugh, etc. It’s probably good we don’t see each other constantly.