Dillan DiGiovanni explores the impact of stigmatizing mens’ bodies.
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I ran into one of my favorite cafes the other day and saw this tall and rather lanky guy in front of me.
Took me a few seconds to realize it was my friend and I blurted out, “Hey! I wondered who this string bean was in front of me!”
We laughed, but then I instantly felt a tremor pass through me. Intuition was talking to me, again. We made some more small talk about the rain and our relative plans and then I went to go place my order. I stood there, waiting for my mocha and scone to be wrapped up, and felt horrible. I had made a comment about his body, and had no idea how that made him feel. After giving it some thought, I finally walked back over to my pal.
I said, “Hey, I wanted to apologize for calling you a string bean.”
“No way, it’s cool,” he said, automatically trying to smooth things over. “People say things like that to me all the time.”
I explained that I had no doubt they did, but it wasn’t right for me to comment on his physical appearance because, in truth, I have no idea how he feels about his body. I also don’t know how it affects his sense of being a man. It could have meant any number of things to him and it just isn’t cool to stigmatize people.
He looked at me, paused and then he said, “Yeah, you know, people say it to me all the time in fact. And it bugs me. It’s different coming from you. I appreciate you saying something. People call me super skinny all the time and I think to myself, would you call me super fat, if the roles were reversed?”
He made such a great point. We do have this double-standard, it seems, when it comes to men and our bodies. My friend and I chatted a bit more and I felt better about owning my insensitivity. And I thought more about it for the rest of the day.
What might have been an innocent comment I could have considered a joke or general observation actually had an impact.
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In this country we have many, many body types but I think they fall into basically three camps, like Goldilocks and the Three Bears: small, medium and large. We have average-sized people and they are off the radar of being stigmatized, for the most part, at least as far as their bodies are concerned. Then, we have small and/or skinny guys and then really tall and/or larger men, whom we sometimes lovingly refer to as ‘big boys’, like “yeah, he’s certainly a fan of meat and potatoes, he’s a big boy”. And, like my friend said, we assign a value and make comments about physical appearance. We can deliver it like a joke, the way I did, but the impact is still felt. It’s a comment about how someone looks that may seem to have a value judgment added.
From talks with friends, I get that there are the seemingly benign yet extremely annoying comments. The ones heard all the time.
“Hey! You’re super tall! Damn! What’s it like bumping your head on doorways all the time?”
“Hey! You’re so little, I thought you were a kid.”
“You should work out more. Bulk up a little.”
(I am 5’5″ and get called young man or boy quite often. It’s really weird considering I’m neither.)
And then there are the comments that aren’t so benign. The ones that are blatantly cruel and unkind.
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Depending on the context and the person, we may appear to value skinny guys more–there’s certainly a preference for the lanky, slim frame as well as the well-built, muscular body in the modeling industry. We value big boys as being great for football or for wearing flannel, drinking beer and fashioning excellent beards. We use words like “teddy bear-like” to describe these men…is it because their bodies resemble the cushiony comfort of stuffed animals? I’m not sure.
In other contexts, skinny guys experience frequent beatings or bullying because they are perceived to be weak and easy targets. And larger boys are often teased ruthlessly for having bodies on the opposite end of the spectrum.
We need to stop stigmatizing mens’ bodies and consider what it does to men and their sexuality when we make comments about their bodies.
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Are casual comments about someone’s appearance wrong? It really depends on the person, I suppose, and their experiences. It certainly mattered to my friend, when I pressed on with my apology. He tried to make it ok, and when I said it wasn’t, he realized he had some real feelings about other people making comments about him and his skinniness. And he graciously shared those with me.
I have another friend, a larger guy, who made countless comments about his size during a weekend together. Here I was, feeling self-conscious about my body for certain reasons, and I felt nothing but compassion for him as we all slid into the jacuzzi several times over the course of a few days. My own issues with my body paled when I heard his self-depricating comments and I sympathized with how he must have felt.
And I never asked him how he felt, point-blank, of course. Because of that awkward avoidance thing we do around bodies and stigma and othering people.
I didn’t feel good about that, so that’s why I did something different with my friend at the cafe. In that case, I’d said something I wanted to apologize for saying. I wanted to acknowledge any potential impact of my commenting on his physical appearance. And as it turns out, I am really glad I did.
What might have been an innocent comment that I could have considered a joke or general observation actually had an impact. And was one of many comments that had had such an impact.
We need to stop stigmatizing mens’ bodies and we need to consider what it does to men and their sexuality when we make comments about their bodies. We need to focus on health and balance for all men, making sure they are taking care of themselves, eating and exercising for fitness and long, healthy lives, not so they can look a certain way to avoid being teased or harassed in some way. We should comment on the merits of their character, not point out their physical appearance without considering underlying insecurities they may have about it.
In general, we need to honor that people come in all shapes and sizes and stop making that rhetoric we all claim to know and subscribe to yet don’t practice nearly enough.
And I’ll start. In fact, I did by apologizing to my friend. And I’ll be more mindful from now on.
—Photo Australian National Maritime Museum/Flickr
Connect with Dillan on his website, twitter, instagram.
Also by Dillan DiGiovanni:
A Dude Walks Into a Bar Alone
Honoring Your Word Like A Man
Contributing Without Dominating
Like The Good Men Project on Facebook
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I am a man who for most of his life has been tall and skinny. I was a tall skinny kid who was shamed for being tall and skinny by my family of origin due to I feel sexual trauma associated with body shaming from the previous generations.. I did develop food allergies in my 30’s which has made me skinny again. The worst skinny shamers I have experienced in my adult life are women due to I feel thier own insecureties about their bodies. I work around mostly women. I have learned through therapy and 12 step involvement to… Read more »
It’s great to see someone taking a positive step in body positivity. Especially great to see a guy recognizing it. I’d winner of he’d say the same thing after wolf whistling at a girl on the street… or are men’s bodies the only ones worth considering as human? Men created the dynamic by which Gore one looks> who they are inside. Men can change that dynamic. I doubt we’ll see it change for women (who put up with much more than the occasional “you look skinny” comment) anytime in the lifetime of anyone reading this. Sure, both men and women… Read more »
hey blah, totally hear you. Sounds like you have more to share and you raise some very well-known and considered realities about the realities women endure. Since this site is focused on men and being a good man, I chose that lens for my article. I wonder if you’d be interested in contributing a piece that speaks to how men can change the conversations being had about womens’ bodies?
“Nice to see someone trying on a personal level, but not super sympathetic to guys who don’t have to put up with the incessant media nonsense 24/7. when stats about eating disorders and harassment even out, then I’ll give two shits.” Most of that media is driven by WOMEN. Take a look at sites for women, women’s magazines, etc, they display highly photo-shopped women and a plethora of advice on weight-loss and dieting. I’ve actually seen far far far more diversity in women’s ages, shapes, sizes in mainstream porn than I have in any of the women’s media magazines, etc.… Read more »
I’ve gone through several body types. I’ve been fat, I’ve been really buff, I’ve been underweight, right now I’m kind of stringy and muscular. The only thing I’ve never been is tall. And you know what, I have to laugh at anyone who gets upset about comments regarding their body. In my experience most people will only comment on things you can actually change (fat/skinny/muscular), few people will, for instance, get into my height simply because that one’s a fact. No matter how much they prod me either way they’d like me to go, I am going to stay the… Read more »
Give me a break. You sound just like a bully. (By the way, I’m on a bodybuilding program; so, don’t bother repeating yourself.)
A truly stupid, shallow comment. You need to learn how to be empathetic.
Excuse me guys,but as a woman, I had to laugh. If a string bean comment hurt that much, your friend could never put up with what women put up with. Here’s a few comments I’ve heard from men to women: Flat chested, nice rack, can I touch them, nice ass, fat, slut, bitch, cunt etc. etc., etc. Then there’s the cat calls, the grunts, the dry humping motions, etc. etc. Then there’s the objectification of women as nothing more that their body parts, as though there isn’t a bran above their breasts. If being called skinny is as bad as… Read more »
It’s not about being a man hater, Ann, but a person who chose to attempt to invalidate other people’s experiences.
Ann, I really hear you. I get what you’re saying so clearly. I hope you can understand that I share your opinions, 100%. My article was written with a focus on men because that is the goal and mission of our site. I wonder if you will consider submitting a similar piece, speaking to the important issues you raised about women’s bodies, for a different site? I think you raise such excellent points and your voice needs to be heard. 🙂
Next time I see an article on domestic violence I might chime in n laugh at how little violence women get. Oh you got a black eye? Poor diddums, come talk to me when you’re hospitalized. That’s basically the attitude you have, making it a pissing contest of who suffers more. (No I won’t actually do that because it’s stupid) I was teased about my weight daily, my nipples were twisted and my manboobs groped by males n females at school and even in adulthood at times. I received far more bullying than the girls did at my school and… Read more »
In response from the girl in the argument mentioned above. Hey (G) ! I read the article you put on Maria’s wall. It gave me a new prospective on our convo, which I was way too drunk for to begin with, and I apologize. I meant no harm by my comment and then got defensive because I was drunk and stupid. Plus, I think skinny men are the most attractive men. Hope you can forgive me! I like your body the way it is from what I see, and I won’t comment on it anymore unless I’m giving you the… Read more »
Hey Dillan, I just read an article in the good man project and i was suprised to see you were the author. as a skinny guy I’ve been speaking up when people make comments on my weight more and more. occatonally Ill say my BMI and Body fat % are actually in the normal range but thanks. or my girl friends mom said something like he can have that extra piece of cake because look how skinny he is. Then i said you know what I do yoga 3 or 4 times a week so im doing fine and im… Read more »
Thanks for leaving this great comment, Gary. It is awesome to have our worlds colliding after so many years of not being in touch! Gotta love GMP! 🙂
So glad you took the time to read this and that it resonated so strongly with your personal experience. And wow! You posted it and the young woman took the time to reconsider her words and send you an apology—that’s pretty powerful. Thanks for the feedback that my message was worth sharing and could have such an incredible turnaround for you and your friend. 🙂
John Your comment about grandma reminded of something. Quite often in this kind of discussion,default cultural values of attractiveness determine much of the outcome of the debate.In my dating life,I have crossed many cultural divides and discovered many things about the power of differences. As a result,I have very little empathy for mainstream complaints about body issues. Every moment in America there are in play a plethora of perfectly legitimate views of attractiveness one can assume. This is true even among members of the same “race.” So, when a woman complains that the values around attractiveness within the culture she… Read more »
Thank you, from a fully grown man who is called ‘young man’, ‘young sir’, and ‘kid’ by other adults. Yes, I come from short folk. I am short. I am also an adult, thank you. I really appreciate this article.
Thanks for being so generous to share with us, Sean. Next time folks say that to you, you can refer them to my article. 😉
Sometimes people mean well, but don’t know how to phrase things or sometimes they project certain traits that they like onto you and believe it to be a compliment. My Filipino grandma would always remark on how fat a person was if they were heavy set. She didn’t mean it as stigmatizing. People went hungry in the Philippines. My grandma, aunts, and uncles were all thin. Grandma was happy that this person had enough to eat. A woman at work, who had a romantic interest in me, commented that I was the only skinny person in the department. She is… Read more »
John, great, great point about the cultural relevance of body types. I neglected to mention that, so thanks for bringing up that essential point. Some cultures really esteem extra weight as a sign of good health or prosperity, some don’t. My writing was definitely focused on extremely generalized ‘American values’. Interesting note about your coworker—and how kind of you to bring such compassion to her compliment.
I grew up as part of the Charles Atlas generation.He was a famous bodybuilder who had a timeless advertisement commonly pitched to preteen boys.In it a big guy confronts a skinny guy on the beach.He kicks sand in the skinny guys face AND takes his girlfriend.In response the skinny guy works out, develops his body,gets lots of girls,transforming his life.Skinny, bookish, kids with glasses like myself are stereotyped and bullied by men and women.America’s Protestant Christian values based culture has never been a very tolerant culture.It is a fact of life.Honestly,it never occured to me that being treated that way… Read more »
ogwriter, you raise some really, really important excellent points here but what struck me most was your comment on the attention you received based on your appearance. Some people may really value muscularity and fitness and I think it’s easy to fall prey to thinking we MUST look like that to be worthy of love and attention. I liked how you said your fitness didn’t really matter to some people, it wasn’t their preference. Different strokes for different folks, right? 🙂 If it makes you happy and feel good, do it, for that reason alone. thanks for sharing so thoughtfully… Read more »
People tell me I need to gain weight all the time (though actually I don’t need to). But mostly these are people who could stand to lose a few, so I say nothing. One would think by now it’d be clear that no one should make comments about other people’s bodies.
Dave, you’re right. You’d think it would be clear. But we do it–and I think mostly for the very reason you named: people who feel insecure about their own bodies/selves. I can confess to doing that at my not-so-great moments. Being mindful makes all the difference. Thanks for reading and sharing such a thoughtful reply.
I’m a big guy. When I was a kid I was teased a bit about being big but not too much because I could concievably hurt somebody, if pushed too hard. Not just chubby I am tall and big. I didn’t ever hurt anybody but a teaser never knows who might snap. Most of my friends didn’t care, unless they were insecure. I used to swim with a shirt on, though, because I was embarassed (you can get a sunburn through a wet shirt, btw). I also have a hairy chest & back, which is mostly a surprise to people,… Read more »
Hey Sam, thanks for commenting here and being so authentic in your reply. I think it’s great that Burning Man has been a space where you feel comfortable in your skin–I’ve heard many great stories from others about that place. Sounds like the Dr feels good about your health and you feel good about yourself! #winning