The Year of Drinking Dangerously

photo by rstinnett posterized

Sintong Gaspari doesn’t want to be a part of gay culture. But he doesn’t want to be alone, either. 

 —

I am a non-practicing homosexual.

What exactly does that mean mister? Because I know you are a full-pledged-hard-core-Hail-Mary-Full-of-Grace-faggot. 

Well you know what I mean, yes I have sex with other men but I don’t practice gay cultures.

So you are like a practicing Catholic Priest then!

 ♦◊♦

Yes, I am gay. I was born gay, of course. That is the only reason why we are homosexuals. Because we are born that way. I was also exposed to Bette Davis way too early in life but that is what I tell those who think we are disease-infected-hell bound creatures. Just for their amusement and the sake of shutting them up.

But I must say that I am a different kind of gay. I must also admit that sometimes I am not proud of the gay cultures that are often portrayed and conducted in society.

The superficiality, the hedonistic sides of it, and the shallowness that dictates how gay men interact with each other are alive and well. They are dismissive and rude and masters at playing games.

♦◊♦

I grew up in a Muslim Country where I never had much exposures to gay life and cultures so it was quite a shock for me when I relocated to the US to find these unpleasant sides of them. Shouldn’t members of  a once-oppressed society, even though it still is, treat each other nicely now that they are living in freedom?

I don’t have many friends here in New York City. All of my gay friends moved away to other states and my straight friends are married. Most of the times I hang out alone which is quite alright, but one day I decided to post an online ad looking for gay friends to hang out and spend times with. The responses I received were unspeakable.

One guy wrote back and asked for my stats.
What the fuck have my stats got to do with it?
One guy asked for a picture which is fine because sometimes you need to know who you are talking to and then after viewing it he responded “sorry I don’t think it’s gonna work.”

I actually became a phone buddy with a guy. We’d call each other up and chat and have fun talking on the phone so one day we decided to meet and have coffee.
We didn’t know what we looked like because we didn’t think it was necessary to trade pictures as we had good chemistry on the phone and decided to meet in front of Starbuck on 56th and 6th in Midtown.
He stood me up.
When I called him he said, “oh I actually passed by you, you were the tall guy in a black coat right? Sorry I don’t think we will get along.”
What about the hours we spent chatting on the phone then? Do you call that arguing?

♦◊♦

Unfortunately you have to be perfect to fit in. That’s just to fit in. To get a date is a different thing. You have to fit a certain mold that will make you perfect.
The gays do not believe in ‘there is no such thing as a perfect man’.
I knew a gay man who only dated blue-eyed guys.
I answered a personal ad one day posted by a 46-year-old man who sounded so nice. He replied and wrote me an introductory e-mail and at the end asked me what size of jeans I wear to which I replied “38”.
And he wrote, “38? That is very close to the clinical description of obese, you should lose some weight first then we’ll talk”
The man is fucking 46 years old and you wonder why he is still single.
I am fucking 6 feet tall motherfucker.
If you think 38 is such a bad number, try 46!

♦◊♦

They don’t realize they kind of damage those kinds of words can cause a person.
They make people depressed and when that happens people tend to eat.
No wonder there are less skinny people around.
When I get depressed I go under my bed and eat a bucket of KFC, or I usually call it ‘a night with the girls’.

I don’t think I am ugly. The same way that I don’t focus on other’s looks so much, that would probably describe best the way I feel about mine. My parents raised me to be a well-grounded person. Do unto others and all that crap.
It worked though. I am most proud of my good heart. I mean this is something that others always tell me.
And my friends would always say “you are so sweet, how are you still single?”
That is depressing.

Yes, but you have been in relationships before, give it some time, you will meet somebody. Don’t look for love, it always happens when you are not looking. It’s kinda like Duane Reade, when you don’t need to go to one, they are fucking everywhere, but when you do need to go to one, they disappear. You can’t find any.

Okay you have been obsessed with freaking Duane Reade since you met that guy in the detergent aisle last Friday, did you ever hook up with him?

Hell fucking yes! You know we had sex in the bathroom at the next-door Laundromat, turned out he was also doing laundry that day.

You are fucking gross, random sex at a Laundromat?

All I can say is thank God for rinse cycle. Besides, he is hot, you would have done the same thing too.

Are you gonna see him again?

No. It was just a one-time thing. I cant even remember his name.

This is exactly what I am talking about, you have a fucking boyfriend and still you are fucking every man that takes you shopping to Barneys.

Well, that is going to change soon, I feel bad, I am only keeping Matthew as my fuck buddy. Not a word to Rick or I will boil your Chow Chow puppy Fatal Attraction-style.

Hey, leave Finland alone, he is my child. Matthew ? Your mom’s neighbor in New Jersey?? No wonder you always look happy every time after you come back from visiting her.

Yes, Matthew is my homo away from home. And don’t tell Rick, I mean it.

I swear on Lindsay Lohan’s career. And I mean it, you better leave my puppy alone.

You look cute when you’re mad

♦◊♦

My ex-boyfriend thinks I am cute.
The one who loved me so much he left me for a woman.
I dated a guy briefly after that emotional break-up.
Some nut job who stole money from me. That is why I dumped him. He is a horror film fanatic and is obsessed with roman gladiators. He lives in New Jersey and his gladiator name is Marcus Aurelius Paramus. Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar loser, you still owe me 500 bucks.

And I have had quite a few sexual offers from men looking for quick hook-ups.
I don’t indulge them.
They are just sex-addicts who would do anyone.
In this day and age, promiscuity is just not an option.
The thought of hooking up with a stranger in a motel who turns out to be a psychopath who murders you after fucking you blind.
They find you dead in a dominatrix outfit and then you make headlines and some Hollywood movie producer makes a movie about your life.
The movie will be Based on a True Horny.
I wish life could be simpler. That a person can just get by oneself without having to have a special person to connect with. Whether it is an emotional, sexual, or a  psychological connection I believe that every individual needs it.
I certainly do. Every one of us needs that kind of “equilibrium”. A condition in which every single need is fulfilled. Which of course is impossible to attain.
You can’t have it all, right?
There is always something missing. Even if you’re a millionaire.
Take Elliot Spitzer for example. A successful governor with what seems to be a happy family. Harvard graduate. Still something was missing in his life and he found that unfulfilled part of his life in the arms of a prostitute. A governor who should have known better. Someone who used to be a District Attorney who was involved in a prostitution ring bust.
Apparently he also decided to bust a nut while doing it.

But in my case, it is just so frustrating that such simple need, the need for a mere connection with someone, is unattainable because of a cultural condition which is established by shallow-minded people who are supposed to be your peers. Your compatriots. Your brothers.

Well, guys put each other down in the straight world too. They don’t suck each other’s cock, which I think is stupid, but that is just the way it is.

Yes but straight guys don’t diss other straight guys the way the gays to their own.

You can’t help but feel inferior as a human being when you feel so challenged in trying to make a connection with others.
It is not like we are cavemen who are still trying to figure out ways to communicate with each other.
Communication exists now. Languages exist now.
However the understanding does not.
It makes me think about the saying “there is someone for everyone” or the popular belief that “everybody has a soulmate that they will eventually meet.”
How do you explain a guy who dies at the age of 30 and has been single all his life?
Whatever happens there?
Does that mean his soulmate also dies at the same age and condition?
If I were his soulmate I wouldn’t want to live past 30 years old, I would be single all my life or even worse I would be having 100 first dates with 100 different guys who never called back afterwards.

♦◊♦

Plato once said that the soul of man lived before it inhabited a body.

Imagine that.
Imagine two gay souls meeting somewhere in “heaven”.
All the gay souls for that matter.
They would gather around.
With one leader who established the first gay community on the Milky way.
He would hold a meeting with them on cloud Cummulus Nimbus Annus.
Briefing them on the kind of lives they would live on Earth.
The struggles for acceptance. The horrors of persecutions, and that they would eventually taste freedom.
He convinced them that life would be somewhat better. They would be able to marry eventually.
The gay souls were happy.
They had a big party and invited the gods of Mount Olympus of Ancient Greece.
They connected with all these gods who introduced them to drama and tragedy.
That is why we are such drama queens.

They met Hercules which gave them their first glimpse of what a man was supposed to look like.
Hence the hedonistic sides of homosexuality.

They were in awe of Aphrodite who was only interested in making love.
This is when promiscuity was first learned by our gay souls.

Luckily for the Lesbians, it is okay to be a bit overweight since The Goddess of Love had a few extra pounds here and there.
And Hermes told them that there is going to be an expensive line of handbags on earth and that he wanted it to be named after him.
The interest in high fashion began.

The gay souls would witness all historic events happening on earth.
They witnessed Noah’s Ark.
When the rainbow appeared, the Leader told them to use that as a symbol of their community on earth because of the message it represents. Of God’s promise to mankind that Earth shall never be destroyed again.
Wrong choice oh dear Queer One.

The rainbow symbol of the gay community is too noble to describe a society that is very dismissive towards its own members. Ironically it destroys hope and intimidates members of the community and represents secularity for the most part as opposed to the promise God intended for us to hold onto through that celestial sign He created.

That is my opinion.

An image of Hercules carrying an Hermes bag would have been more appropriate.

♦◊♦

My soul and the soul of my soulmate.
It is a possibility.
It is also a possibility that my soulmate’s soul didn’t like my soul.
Maybe my soul was not his type…My soul was too tall and didn’t hang out with the hip star constellation. And that my soul was too fat.
So he decided to turn straight when we inhabited his body on the day he was conceived.
Swearing that he would rather marry a woman.
No wonder we have lot of cases of married heterosexual men who are actually gays.
Their souls would rather deny themselves their destiny than be with someone who is not their type.
Without giving them a chance to get to know those poor souls.

On the other hand, not knowing of my soulmate’s soul’s intention to ignore me on earth, my soul was so excited on the day I was conceived, it descended down to my mother’s womb screaming TGIF !!!!!!!!
(Thank God It’s a Faggot!!)
Never expecting the lonely life he will eventually lead.

♦◊♦

So what does one do when there seems to be no hope in the horizon?
I want love. I need it and I desire it.
The kind that only a significant other could bring.
A boyfriend.
A spousal equivalent.
They say it comes when you are not looking.
That saying is very misleading.
If everybody is practicing that theory, then no one is looking.
So how do people find each other if they just wait around and hope someone will say hello out of the blue and sweep them off their feet.
Someone has to initiate it.
That’s fairy tale.
I am also a firm believer that when you want something you work hard to achieve it.
Make efforts.
But as I desire things I fail.

♦◊♦

According to Lacanian Psychoanalysts, the term desire designates the impossible relation that a subject has with an object and that it can never fulfilled. (Wikipedia.com).

In A Treatise on Human Nature Hume suggests that reason is subject to passion. Motion is put into effect by desire, passions and inclinations. It is desire, along with belief, that motivates action (Wikipedia.com)

Just going by those two small theories of it, it makes one think of how destructive desire can be to a person. If it motivates one’s action yet it can never be fulfilled we will eventually end up exhausted and unhappy. And depressed.

♦◊♦

Desires do lead to depression though. I agree.

At one point of my life I when I was batting depression, I wrote two poems that will best describe that period.

alone in my room
shades dark and gloom
a perfect time for me to look back
on all the things i have done in the past
to be aware of what i have and what i lack
am i happy have i done my best
having allowed myself to be victimized by all
no wonder life is never a ball
being labeled as abnormal
the pain is eternal
i am as far away from success as possible
my future is questionable
longing for someone to accompany me even just for one night
all the nights are spent holding myself tight
i am a lonesome dove
who has no courage to ask for love
on and on these facts come out
i have suffered so much this is no doubt
my life is ended without ever being begun
i lack all and i have none
alone in my room
shades dark and gloom
my choices are to go on with the pain
or end this life i have lived in vain
to move on with such uncertainty
or to die and face eternity
i see my cut vein through the opened skin
Forgive me Father for I have sinned

(In My Room; by Author)

♦◊♦

And the following

Look inside. The pain resides
the fears subside
as i decide
for love is a faraway land
unreachable
happiness is like that of a mirage
it fades and vanishes by each
moment of approach
sadness is a constant companion
lingering
damaging
unbearable
look away
i died today
untimely
unsightly
the pain was vivid
as i decided
to depart…

(Departure, by Author)

That was a period in my life. A stage that was a result of my unfulfilled desires. A stage I acted my way out upon.
A stage from which I finally won the award of Best Supporting Actor in a movie called “Me”. For I am my strongest support system.
Did not depend on anyone.
A little help from Apple Martinis and Valium.
But now the stage is closed.
Curtains drawn.
While fighting the tears.
Embracing the loneliness.
I am as tough mentally as Spartan soldiers had been physically.
If only I could look as good in a cape with a shield and a sphere.
Now that I look at it.
Maybe I can get by on my own.

I can never solve the ‘mystery’ of human desire. If it can never be fulfilled, then it will only weigh you down.
We should not have any and leave it be.

♦◊♦

Maybe I should just dream about things?
I can’t do it though because I am so against dreaming.
I could dream about finding happiness, but at the end of the day I would be lying to myself.
I know sometimes dreams do come true.
So do nightmares.
If my subconscious mind wants to do it when I am sleeping then I have no control over it.
But I am not going to let my conscious mind do it.
Daydreaming as we know it.
Never.
So dreams and desires are out of the question.
What can I do?

You can hope. This is too deep for me, you are thinking about it too much. You should embrace the loneliness, and just enjoy life, like that book The Secret says, just think positive things and you will attract them.

Come on Sigmund Fraud, let’s go out. I am bored.

Such a powerful and positive word.
Hope and faith.
Faith allows us to believe firmly in something that is unseen.
Hope allows us to believe in something we are yet to attain.
And with faith we can attain it.
I am trying to look at things positively now.
First and foremost, while battling my depression, I learned that being negative took so much energy that I felt it physically.
Every single frown on my forehead would pull the rest of the muscles in my body.
That was my experience.
I remember a line from an old movie called ‘Darling’ starring Julie Christie, in which her character says something like “It should be the easiest thing in the world, shouldn’t it? Being happy that is.”
So why is it so hard for me to practice that?
I am making baby steps though.
The world can end any second so why worry?

Yes I can hope.

That someday the loneliness will end.
There is so much that you can do.
There is so much you want to do.
Why don’t you come join the Spinning class at the gym with me tomorrow?
It will be fun.

My idea of a spinning session is to take ecstasy pills and make out with a DJ

Hahahaha…that could be fun.

Maybe I should start making plans. Ridiculous plans, like calling Halle Berry; pretend I am the member of the Academy, and ask for her Oscar back or calling Diane Von Furstenberg just to tell her that Indian Sari is the original wrap dress.

Listen to yourself, spoken like a true faggot, you do practice gay cultures, you wouldn’t hear fabulous words like those coming out of a straight guy.

I want to write more.
I got out of my depression.
Now it is time to get out of my obsession.
The sad part is, the reason why I obsess over finding true love, is not so that it would make happy. It is because I want to make someone happy.
It is like I am more disappointed that someone will never get to know me, a decent person.
Selflessness can be very self-destructing.
There are good people out there.
The shallow gay men I described earlier do not make up all of the gay population.
But most will agree with me about the consensus surrounding gay community.
I am not perfect and I am very proud of the fact that I am not, and I would like to find someone whose reason for loving me is because I am flawed.

Maybe it is true that love comes when you are not looking.
My mom once said to me that if you are meant to meet your soulmate, you would meet your soulmate while taking out the trash.
Since that I day I found myself taking out the trash three times a day.
But seriously.
I am proud to say that I am happy.
It would be nice to find someone to share all the happiness with.
But regardless, I am happy now.
I can still hope about finding love.
Or letting love find me.
Being with someone special.
Spending Saturdays all day in bed. Having Dim Sum for breakfast together.
After that he can Gimme Sum.
Moving in together.
Building a life together, buying a house together and become both homeowners and homo-owners.
Until then I will not spend my life worrying.
It is going to take a lot of dedication and hard work.
I must admit.
Just in case, I still have my valium in my top drawer.

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About Sintong Gaspari

Sintong Gaspari is a NYC based lone wolf. Many of his life choices are loosely based on scenes from Paper Moon & The Accidental Tourist.

Comments

  1. Man…I know exactly what you’re describing. Some of what you describe had happened to me also; no double it’s happened to all of us. I’m an out gay man in Atlanta wondering how you’re supposed to date in an environment where everything is sexualized. You can’t even meet men without being sized up for the bedroom and judged in a 1000 ways before you even speak a word. If my 300x300dpi profile pic isn’t a cut torso, rippling abs, and slab-like pecs, then I don’t even get a reply.

    Keep the faith, brother, if there’s a faith to keep. I believe there is.

  2. Preach. I live in a highly stylized version of reality, in one of the gay capitals of the world. I consciously avoid any ‘scene’ and try my damnedest to live a fairly normal life (by my standard, no else’s). I’m reasonably attractive, highly intelligent, and fully bored with the superficial world around me. Being alone has its virtues. Enjoy your time with the girls.

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