19 People Who Think Obama Was Sworn In On a Koran

 The hilarious persistence of a right-wing delusion.

When it comes to reality, some right-wingers are still secessionists. They’ll have no truck with your so-called “facts”, be they about science, law, or observable things you can actually look at. Take, for example, the continuing delusion that President Obama is a Muslim. It ain’t true, never has been, and wouldn’t mean anything even if it were true—but try telling your Fox-News-watching grandma that.

Today, President Obama was sworn in on a literal stack of Bibles (well, a short stack), using both Lincoln’s inaugural Bible, and one that was owned and used by Martin Luther King Jr. That’s like twice as many Bibles as most folks use, and you’d think that would be a sufficient amount of Bible for almost anyone, right?

Nope, not for these folks.

There is something charmingly hilarious about that first guy. When he wants to know what’s REALLY going on in the world, who does he turn to? Mike Huckabee, of all people. I guess that’s one way to do it…

The second guy might be kidding, to be honest. I hope so. The fact that it’s hard to tell says something about the context this is happening in, and not something good.

This one fascinates me. The “Omg” (itself a remarkable capitalization choice) implies that this earnest citizen is surprised to learn this nonfact. But the only way they could believe it to be true is if they already subscribed to the false belief about Obama’s religion, which means this couldn’t possibly come as a surprise. You don’t get to be startled by confirmation bias, people. That’s why it’s called confirmation.

A whole spectrum of stupid here, from the artful question-begging at the top to the profound intuition in the middle, all the way to “Wait, Beavis is on Facebook?”

Is there an award for the most creative reading of imaginary subtext? There ought to be.

Some people really do think that ritual is magic. You just know that as a kid, this person was the one going “Doesn’t count! We didn’t shake on it!” and memorizing all the protocols for touch-black-no-back and whether having your fingers crossed can render a pinky swear nonbinding.

I hear you, buddy. Americans are beginning to disgust me too. Well, some Americans. You, at least.

First dude, even communists don’t swear on the Communist Manifesto. Still, at least it’s an original delusion.

Second dude… no, you don’t want to know what the book was. If you wanted to know, you could find out in about five seconds; I’m pretty sure you have internet access. You want someone to tell you what you want to hear; that is not the same thing as wanting to know a fact.

You know, I like this dude. He just straight-up admits to being confused. Maybe someday he’ll start to understand which part he’s confused about, but in the meantime, this is a start.

This is how hard confirmation bias warps the human brain. If you’re far enough gone, you can look at a man laughing happily with his wife and children, and you’ll find that fiendishly sinister. Please note the typical invocation of guns, though I don’t think this guy’s a threat—note that he asks God to strike down people he doesn’t like, rather than planning to kill them himself. Frankly, I wish more people would rely on God to do their murdering for them.

Okay, grandpa, on your keyboard, is the Caps Lock light on? No, it’s the other… yes, the one that says Caps Lock next to it. Okay, it is? Yeah, that’s why it’s doing that. To turn it off, you push the Caps Lock key… no, not the light, the key that says Caps Lock. It’s over on the left-hand side… okay, the light’s off? Good. Now I’m going to walk you through permanently deleting your Facebook account. Um… because Obama can read your thoughts through Facebook. Let’s go with that.

If everyone you know agrees with you, it MUST be true, right?

I love the “did you notice” theme in some of these. Like they’re just unusually perceptive individuals who individually and without prompting picked up on these imaginary things. And look at how comfortable that “probably” is. “I don’t know, don’t really care to find out, but it was probably something I’d find emotionally validating. That’s good enough for me.”

Could it possibly have been? I’m just raising the question here! I don’t actually want to find out! This is what happens from overexposure to Cavuto marks.

 

Okay, this guy is totally my favorite. I love people who have counterfactual beliefs, and on some level they know that what they believe is bullshit, so they build in defenses against fact. Some part of this guy knows that it’s quite easy to prove there was no Koran involved, so he’s going straight to his backup plan, which is that there WAS a Koran, but it was CLEVERLY HIDDEN. Check and mate!

Sometimes I want to visit the alternate universe these folks inhabit. It’s such a dramatic, exciting place, all hidden agendas and mad dictators. We all like to play pretend sometimes, and it’s even better if you’ve got an entire media industry dedicated to pretending along with you. Why turn on real news and hear a bunch of boring stuff about moderate adjustments to the estate tax when you can turn on Glenn Beck and hear about shadow-government conspiracies to rob the dead? Come on, that’s no contest.

Sadly, I’m stuck here in boring old reality, where the president’s a decent, pretty moderate guy who’s really good on some issues and not as good on others. He’s got another four years to keep trying to reverse this great nation’s decline, and I wish him well. Regardless of what he does or does not do, I’ll at least get another four years of entertainment out of the delusional weirdos yelling about what they imagine him to be doing. Thanks, Obama.

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About Noah Brand

Noah Brand is an Editor-at-Large at Good Men Project, and possibly also a cartoon character from the 1930s. His life, when it is written, will read better than it lived. He is usually found in Portland, Oregon, directly underneath a very nice hat.

Comments

  1. Joanna Schroeder says:

    Hahaha! Ridiculous.

    Also, I like your point that it wouldn’t matter even if he were sworn in on a Koran!

    The fact that this is SUCH a huge deal to people makes clear the inherent bigotry they carry toward people of Muslim faith.

  2. Gint Aras says:

    If he were sworn in on a TV Guide, he’d have his hand on the text of the god these people actually worship.

  3. The “second guy” whom you reference at the beginning is, in fact, a stand-up comedian, and he is, in fact, making fun of people like like those cited in your other examples. Pretty funny joke, I think. Its absurdity turns on the “only the 2nd president” phrase.

  4. Mason J Stewart says:

    America made sure President B H Obama understood who He represent.

  5. sigh

  6. wellokaythen says:

    First of all, there is nothing in the Constitution about the President’s oath of office except the oath itself, nothing about how to do it, what to put your hand on, etc. There is nothing in the Constitution mandating that the President be a Christian (if anything, it suggests there is no religious requirement to be President.) In fact, the oath does not include “so help me God.” That’s something that people have added later.

    Now I’ve forgotten my second point, because this whole thing is silly. Something about how most devout Muslims would not actually swear on a Koran because that would be blasphemous. Something about how ignorant people think the Koran is just the Muslim Bible and Muslims use the Koran just like American Christians use the Bible.

    By the way, did you know that Nixon didn’t “swear” the oath of office but did the “affirm” option because he was a Quaker? Clearly Nixon behaved the way he did because of this….

  7. PursuitAce says:

    So why do we care? We have two political sides who despise each other. Of course they will say ridiculous things.

  8. wellokaythen says:

    I don’t get it. Why not spread the rumor that it was TWO Korans instead of just one? Why not tell everyone that he was wearing a turban when he took the oath but it was photoshopped out? Maybe he actually said Allah but it was sound edited to say “God.” Perhaps he had the left hand on the Bible because in many parts of the Middle East the left hand is the hand you use to wipe your ass, so he’s actually trying to insult the Bible.

    Did you know that when he took the oath he was facing East, towards Mecca? I have that on good authority. I know a guy who’s the cousin of a woman married to a man whose brother is next door neighbors to a woman who once worked at the White House. Totally true.

    The second Bible was supposed to belong to the family of MLK, but as we all know, MLK was actually a Communist, so the book was probably Das Kapital.

    Clearly Obama is fiendishly clever. He is so deep undercover as a Muslim that there is no good evidence to show that he is one. He is in disguise as the Worst Muslim Ever – alcohol, pork, no going to prayers, no fasting on Ramadan, still hasn’t gone to Mecca, goes to infidel churches, his government still tortures (fellow?) Muslims. Most brilliant cover ever. The only deeper cover for a Muslim would be George W. Bush, who was the first to host a Ramadan meal at the White House. That guy was the crypto-est of cryptomuslims.

    Whatever. The President swears in the name of one non-existent being instead of in the name of another non-existent being. Two versions of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I can’t get too worked up about that part.

  9. Mason J Stewart says:

    Every time a non-white become popular in a key position the whites scream blooldy mary. Non-whites have made some major contributions and/or sacrifices for this country. Get off the trip. Last time I checked the Jews still rule the world.

  10. Isn’t he using a robinson family bible?
    Should swear in on a hard drive with a gazillion books, then everyone is happy!

    • wellokaythen says:

      Or, to be really in tune with America today, he could just “Friend” the Facebook page of the Oath of Office.

      Or, pencil in the “I swear” bubble of a standardized sheet.

  11. 19 people respond to what I guess is a twitter or something … not worth my time. Article appears to be no more then something to stir things up that don’t need to be stirred. There is an idiot at every turn, why do we pay attention to them … we’re giving them what they want and that’s attention.

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