Tabitha Studer knows how important it is for parents to raise boys conscientiously, and so she complied a list of 25 rules for mothers of sons.
by Tabitha Studer
Originally appeared at Tabitha Studer’s blog, Team Studer. Reprinted with permission by the author.
Inspired by a Pin I’ve recently seen about “rules for dads with daughters,” I went searching for a similar list for moms with sons. This search was mostly fruitless, so I was inspired to write my own Rules for Moms with Sons. Granted, my list will not be conclusive and may not be entirely uncontroversial. So agree, or disagree, or take with a grain of salt – but I hope to inspire other moms who are loving, and struggling, and tired, and proud, and eager to support the boys in their lives. You are the most important woman in his life, his first teacher, and the one he will look to for permission for the rest of his life. From “Can I go play with them?” to “Should I ask her to marry me?” Its a big job, but as the mumma, we’re up for it.
1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment. He’ll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.
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2. Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell you to “stop, mom” when you sing along to his garage band’s lyrics. There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you’ve been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade. He will tell you to stop. He will say he’s embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.
3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday his wife will thank you.
4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, “Children become readers on the laps of their parents.” Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you reading…reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles. Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories. They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important. And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.
5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter who you meet – they have some form of the three. It doesn’t have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it’s perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.
6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).
7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).
8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.
9. Teach him to have manners
because its nice. and it will make the world a little better of a place.
10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won’t be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.
11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people’s feelings.
12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You’ll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don’t waste your energy being angry about something inevitable. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.
13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.
14. Go outside with him
turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions. It’s like magic.
15. Let him lose
Losing sucks. Everybody isn’t always a winner. Even if you want to say, “You’re a winner because you tried,” don’t. He doesn’t feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that’s a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again…..) Instead make sure he understands that – sometimes you win – sometimes you lose. But that doesn’t mean you ever give up.
16. Give him opportunities to help others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together.
17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.
This doesn’t just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks – they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing. Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip. Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier. Practice, practice, practice.
18. Answer him when he asks, “Why?”
Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he’s too embarrassed to ask you – he’ll know where to go to find the right answers.
19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.
especially the wipes.
20. Let his dad teach him how to do things
…without interrupting about how to do it the ‘right way.’ If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything. You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers. And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom, you will stay connected to what is happening in his life. Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.
21. Give him something to release his energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give him something to go crazy with – or he will use your stuff. and then you’ll be sorry.
22. Build him forts
Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. For the rest of his life, he’ll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.
23. Take him to new places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.
24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, ‘what happens in between that made you lose that?’ Let’s try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they’re loving and kissing them even more when they’re wild. Kissing them when they’re 2 months and kissing them when they’re 16 years old. You’re the mom – you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets – and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad’s too).
25. Be home base
You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you’re the only one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.
If you enjoyed this you might enjoy Tom Matlack’s 10 Reasons I Love My Wife and
25 Failsafe* Rules for Dads Raising Daughters
For more from Tabitha Studer, visit her blog, Team Studer.
Lead photo courtesy of Dave Goodman
About Tabitha Studer
Tabitha is young, and though she may be a mother of sons I doubt that they are very old yet. Her list is good, but speaks to her probably conservative background. Some criticisms here are in themselves overly judgmental. She clarifies it at the outset by saying that she could not find such a list, so wrote her own. I applaud her endeavor, and actually agree with most of it. She is not a guru, and is sharing what she has learned – so far. I have daughters her age, and I think her mother would be proud of her.
When I first read this, I don’t know why it rubbed me the wrong way..then I saw how young her kids were. I have a 19, 17 and 15 year old. Mothers of small children always seem to think there is a “right” way to raise kids..and if we do it with intentionality and love and perfection OUR children will avoid the pitfalls of adolesence and turn into superhuman sensitive wonder father men. Seriously, only parents who have survived the teens and twenties should give advice in my opinion. Don’t expect perfection out of your parenting or your kids or you will be disappointed. The most rebellious teens I have seen have come from conservative families that have these ridiculous girlified controlling moms, moms who want to ordain everything like the list above, moms with rules for EVERYTHING. Let your kids be kids, love them, and don’t freak out when they burp or use bad words…or they will just do that and FAR more behind your back as teens. Seen it. Let go a little…
And seriously- give the kids some space–My son didn’t let me kiss him or hug him goodbye from the ages of 5 to 17. He just started letting me do it again- I didn’t freak- it is his body- his space- he KNOWS I love him and he has me rub his back at night almost every night…he gives me scoop in his time…and he is about as emotionally healthy as you can get–but holy cow—mom guilt might set in here real quick with your rules when they dont work for your son as he grows into an independent boy/man
There is one thing one here that won’t work. My future son has no dad. He walked out a few weeks after we found out. I just don’t know what to do. His first male example walked out and I don’t want my boy to do the same.
uncles, grandfathers, close family friends can fill these roles. Expect that he will grow in to a kind loving man teach him best you can and loving strong men in your life to fill the strong male roles. I know many examples of boys that grew up without fathers or with crappy fathers and turned in to good men. Hang in there
Tabitha, I am first time mom of a 1 year old boy and your words have touched my heart. It’s describes everything I could ever want or my son. THANK YOU for sharing!
I feel the exact way! I have an 18 month old and this made me tear up.
Gracias, me hiciste recordar el refrán que dice: Para que un hombre trate a una mujer como a una Princesa, debe haber sido educado por una Reina. Saludos desde la Ciudad de México.
Me encanta su respuesta, senor! – Gracias desde Connecticut, EEUU…
I LOVED this post, I clicked upon the second I noticed the title itself. I’ve always felt like my grandmother (dad’s mom) served as the true mom of my life, so I’m forever curious to see if I am wrong for the belief, as my mom says I am. Coincidentally, much of everything expressed in the article came at the nurturing hands of my grandmother and not mom.
I feel vindicated.
Great list! I agree with the commenter that observes this list is for smaller boys.
I’d add–be sure your son learns about sexuality from a healthy and appropriate role model instead of letting him learn on the playground and locker room. Make sure he respects himself and his future enough to protect himself and prevent pregnancy. Let him know that you will love him no matter whom he loves. Make sure he understands that sex can be beautiful and loving, if it is fully consensual. The world around him will teach him he deserves to “get some” and teach him tricks, manipulation, and force to do just that. (See Stubenville…) Help him realize that the relationships he might get this way are no where near as beautiful and powerful and those relationships that are grounded in consent and respect.
And it’s been said, but I’ll say it again. You do not know if your son is straight or not. He may grow up and marry a man. (Then who’ll cook dinner?) Make sure he knows the basic skills not only of the traditionally male jobs of home repair and not just laundry and ironing his own shirt, but he should know how to clean a bathroom, vacuum a floor, and cook some basic meals. In this day and age, even if he’s straight, his wife may well expect full equality and equal distribution of the basic tasks of life.
Your words brought me to tears. My baby boy is 4 1/2 months old and the love of my life. I plan on reminding him of that each and every day of his. Thank you!
I have two boys (7 and 2) and I have to admit I hadn’t thought about some of these things. Overall though, this brought me to tears (good tears) and I applaud your list. I will incorporate the things I am not doing for sure!
Good job!!!
This is wonderful!
I had to laugh at your photo of the little boy dancing barefoot at a wedding. He looks JUST like my oldest son, who danced at about that same age, at my sister’s wedding. We have a video of him on the dance floor during the bride-groom dance, clutching a blankie and a stuffed ducky, and spinning under the spotlight. I tried to fetch him, but my sister wouldn’t let me.This list makes me cry — my boys are 25, 23 and 9 and everything you have said is true… be blessed!
I’ve taught my teen sons that labor built this country and to respect the labor that men do. That we depend on both blue and white collar labor equally and one is not better than the other. Tip well, don’t be cheap.
Character counts, be a man remembered for the commitments and promises you make.
When my son graduated hs, overcoming his disability, I wrote the following for him:
I will never forget that day
They told me…so many things
I dreamed of this moment
I believed in your potential
Be proud and be confident
Give more than you take
Laugh often and own you mistakes
But most of all be happy
And never forget your way home
I have 2 grown sons ages 27 and 20 and I agree with everything you wrote.
Our boys are masculine, hardworking and compassionate. Ok not perfect though…
We didn’t quite get teach them enough about handling money or being organized…but they
Are learning because we don’t enable them. Probably the best advice I could give is
Don’t baby your teen sons…some moms do this to meet their own needs to control
Or keep their sons dependent on them.
Teach him to read. Make sure he can read well and then give him books to read that are fun teach manhood without pushing it as some sort of Pop-Psych experiment in creating the “new” man. Some examples of what I mean would be books of chivalry, honor, and bravery. Specifics:
Lorna Doone
Much of Edgar Rice Burroughs work. They are exciting fanciful enjoyable tales of adventure and teach manhood as it should be, and as many men strive for. “The Outlaw of Torn” is a good one, “The Mad King”, and all of the Mars books, particularly 1-5.
Robin Hood
“Leatherstocking Tails” by James Fennimore Cooper
All of the “Three Musketeers” books by Alexandre Dumas – “The Three Musketeers”, “The Man In The Iron Mask”, and others. Most are available as free downloads at Project Gutenberg. (Also good for teaching tolerance and respect for others. Not commonly known by most but this great French Writer was also the first Great Black Writer.)
H. Rider Haggard – Bold adventurous books that teach decency and honor.
Jules Verne – “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea”, and others.
Charles Dickens – “Great Expectations” would be good choice.
True adventures are also good.
A. Henry Savage Landor (Available on Project Gutenberg) was quite an explorer and wrote several worthwhile books of his adventures. Although he would need to be a mature reader before tackling these.
I could, with little doubt, compile a much longer list of great books for leading a boy to manhood, but those are a good start.
As a boy who was fatherless from early teens on these writers provided models, without my knowing it, of good manly behavior – and mannerly behavior.
Also older movies of adventure – “Mutiny on The Bounty”, “The Swiss Family Robinson”, and the Indiana Jones movies hearken back to a more refined ethic.
And of course there is “The Boy Scouts” when he older.
“On my honor …”
There are many things a woman can do in raising a son she can be proud of. Mine, bless her, was dilligent as you are seeking to be but there simply some things a woman finds difficult to teach because, although it is not PC to say it, she is not a man, but she taught me to read early and well. That, by the way, is not a criticism simply that it is a different set of viewpoints and priorities. Men and women often hold the same, or similar, views but there are some things which are distinctively female, and distinctively male. (Viva La Differance!) If you have, as someone else suggested, a brother or father who can help in this regard by all means make use of the resource. If not, books alone are a magical thing. They expand horizons and the teaching is not so preachy.
The earlier you teach him to read, the better. And get a good set of basic kid’s dictionaries.