Tabitha Studer knows how important it is for parents to raise boys conscientiously, and so she complied a list of 25 rules for mothers of sons.
by Tabitha Studer
Originally appeared at Tabitha Studer’s blog, Team Studer. Reprinted with permission by the author.
Inspired by a Pin I’ve recently seen about “rules for dads with daughters,” I went searching for a similar list for moms with sons. This search was mostly fruitless, so I was inspired to write my own Rules for Moms with Sons. Granted, my list will not be conclusive and may not be entirely uncontroversial. So agree, or disagree, or take with a grain of salt – but I hope to inspire other moms who are loving, and struggling, and tired, and proud, and eager to support the boys in their lives. You are the most important woman in his life, his first teacher, and the one he will look to for permission for the rest of his life. From “Can I go play with them?” to “Should I ask her to marry me?” Its a big job, but as the mumma, we’re up for it.
1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment. He’ll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.
 |
2. Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell you to “stop, mom” when you sing along to his garage band’s lyrics. There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you’ve been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade. He will tell you to stop. He will say he’s embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.
3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday his wife will thank you.
4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, “Children become readers on the laps of their parents.” Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you reading…reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles. Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories. They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important. And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.
5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter who you meet – they have some form of the three. It doesn’t have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it’s perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.
6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).
7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).
8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.
9. Teach him to have manners
because its nice. and it will make the world a little better of a place.
10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won’t be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.
11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people’s feelings.
12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You’ll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don’t waste your energy being angry about something inevitable. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.
13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.
14. Go outside with him
turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions. It’s like magic.
15. Let him lose
Losing sucks. Everybody isn’t always a winner. Even if you want to say, “You’re a winner because you tried,” don’t. He doesn’t feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that’s a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again…..) Instead make sure he understands that – sometimes you win – sometimes you lose. But that doesn’t mean you ever give up.
16. Give him opportunities to help others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together.
17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.
This doesn’t just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks – they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing. Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip. Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier. Practice, practice, practice.
18. Answer him when he asks, “Why?”
Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he’s too embarrassed to ask you – he’ll know where to go to find the right answers.
19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.
especially the wipes.
20. Let his dad teach him how to do things
…without interrupting about how to do it the ‘right way.’ If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything. You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers. And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom, you will stay connected to what is happening in his life. Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.
21. Give him something to release his energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give him something to go crazy with – or he will use your stuff. and then you’ll be sorry.
22. Build him forts
Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. For the rest of his life, he’ll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.
23. Take him to new places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.
24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, ‘what happens in between that made you lose that?’ Let’s try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they’re loving and kissing them even more when they’re wild. Kissing them when they’re 2 months and kissing them when they’re 16 years old. You’re the mom – you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets – and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad’s too).
25. Be home base
You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you’re the only one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.
If you enjoyed this you might enjoy Tom Matlack’s 10 Reasons I Love My Wife and
25 Failsafe* Rules for Dads Raising Daughters
For more from Tabitha Studer, visit her blog, Team Studer.
Lead photo courtesy of Dave Goodman
About Tabitha Studer
These are pretty good, but #20 is especially important. I’d go further and say “In situations where you and his father disagree, default to the dad. Because he knows what growing up male in our society means, and you do not.”
(Single mothers may have to substitute another appropriate male role-model or father figure as needed.)
You are going to take a lot of flack for every gender assymetry on your list. Sorry, but that is just the way the world works.
For what it is worth, I admire your honesty and your courage. I think you hit a bulls-eye with 90% of your words, and 100% of your intent. If you had been my mother, I would have grown into a much better man than I am.
Right well, I don’t see any problematic gender-based generalizations in this piece. I thought it was absolutely lovely.
I did not see any problem either. I also thought it was lovely.
I was not clear
My intent was to appologize in advance for any negative comments that the author might receive. It may be an arrogant thing for me to do. It is because I have seen people getting torn to pieces on this blog. Sometimes by me.
There aren’t any – that’s one of the beauties of this list. the other is that every rule is really imprtant and valid, not one false step.
Really? I think perhaps you are too steeped in it to see it.
Calling men “powerful” and women “beautiful” (#’s 6, 7, and 8), and setting this up as the ideal, is a clear gender asymmetry. I do wish we could escape these language differences in characterizing what is great about men vs. women. Why can’t men and women both be powerful, or both beautiful? Or some other single word? Why must we use different language? I would love more beautiful men, and powerful women in this world. Wouldn’t you?
I actually like this list overall, but yes, it is also asymmetrical.
The reality is: men and women are simply different, not totally “symmetrical” in characteristics and qualities.
As a consequence, men are seldom referred to as “beautiful” nor does that fact hurt our feelings. Very few boys or men are the least bit bothered by not being called beautiful, but they (we) do like feeling strong/powerful, more so than women and girls. On the other hand, we do like beautiful girls/women. Likewise, most women prefer that SHE be the beautiful one of the couple, and he be the more physically powerful/strong one.
Nonetheless, parents are free to raise their children however they see fit. But, I, for one, feel this list is reasonable, and have no plans on convincing my son(s) that they all that “beautiful.”
While I completely agree that boys (and girls) need positive male AND female gendered role models, I do have a minor quibble over language. In #6 the author writes “Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity,” and for #7 a similar sentiment is expressed as “Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.” Good male role models are characterized as “powerful,” while good female role models are characterized as “beautiful” for the same reasons. Now, I absolutely believe that the author had the best of intentions while writing this, and the emphasis on women’s beauty not being wholly derived from looks is great (as is the emphasis on men’s power not being solely based on physical strength), but shouldn’t we be teaching our children that women can also be powerful and that men can also be beautiful because of their brains, determination, and integrity?
Interesting point, A.S. I missed that.
I did see that and I thought it was a minor blip. It should have been the same term for both. Or it would have been interesting to reverse them.
Alright I can be nitpicky to the nth degree, and I am all about gender equality, but I had no problem with it, and here’s why. The next sentences in each of those points highlighted the way men (and women) are usually portrayed in the media in society. The points that the author made was to go beyond those typical images. In essence it is saying – your son will see images of conventionally powerful men and conventionally beautiful women and that power and beauty will be based on superficial traits. Teach your child to see beyond the surface.
Nobody can be ‘beautiful’ because of their brains. They can be ‘attractive’ because of their brains, but never ‘beautiful’. Words have meanings, and ‘beauty’ is a aesthetic trait. And really, we shouldn’t be trying to confuse children. We shouldn’t teach them that it’s ‘wrong’ to prefer people they find attractive, because that’s exactly what they’ll do no matter what you teach them. We shouldn’t be teaching kids to be ashamed about who they’re attracted to at all.
In general, we’d be better off teaching kids that people can be good despite these other traits. A small man can be a good man. An ugly woman can be a good woman. An unintelligent person can still be a good one.
I love this list just like I like my two boys. Thanks for adding the mom’s view to my dad’s list for moms.
Wonderful work. Thanks for the part about letting Dad’s teach things in their own way. It’s so important to let your child see there is ALWAYS more than one way of doing things. It teaches your child to hold the both/and.
By the way. #22 may be the most important. (Now that I think about it.)
I’ll keep this cordial, but I am in disagreement, for the most part.
There’s nothing wrong with teaching your son to read, of course, and for the most part, there’s nothing terribly wrong with the list. It’s just – terribly incomplete. I’ll concede these are the things a mother should be teaching.
But I must ask a question. Look at the keywords from the beginning of the list. Feelings? Cheerleader? Laundry? Dance? Exactly what are you trying to accomplish here? As laudatory and inviting as these goals might appear, none of these are about the man that the boy might become.
Indeed “Learn to throw a football” is good advice – for the mother! She should.
A good father will teach other things in addition – not to panic when you skin your knee, not to give up when something is broken. A father will let you know it’s all right to climb a tree (“Go ahead – take a risk!”) and it’s all right to fail sometimes (because it’s the only way to win, eventually).
A good father teaches that deferring gratification is a good strategy and that a little independence is not a bad thing.
A good mother should have your list in mind, but I wouldn’t think for a minute that it’s complete.
Well first, the author doesn’t say it’s a complete list. You can’t make a complete list of 25 things to teach your child…heck you can’t make a complete list of 50 or 100 things to teach a kid.
“Feelings? Cheerleader? Laundry? Dance? Exactly what are you trying to accomplish here?”
What about expressing feelings, being a cheerleader, doing laundry and being a dancer is counter to being a man? All those things could very well be about the man that the boy might become.
I”m truly curious as to why you say this? “Feelings? Cheerleader? Laundry? Dance?As laudatory and inviting as these goals might appear, none of these are about the man that the boy might become.” Do men not need to know about their feelings? Do men not need to understand how laundry works? Is dancing something that a man not need to access (dates etc)?
I love the list, though I feel that all these things (and indeed the points you mentioned about not panicking, keeping on when things are hard, failing, deferring gratification etc) are things any good loving parent (no matter the gender or sexual orientation or race) might teach. Certainly some women might need to learn to get over dirty clothes, roughhousing, etc and learn to meet their boy children where they are in life.
I just don’t understand, honestly, why those things listed wouldn’t be something the boy might need as he becomes a man?
No snark, just curiousity.
I’m a mother of two boys and I found this list valuable.
Julie Gillis said this: “I”m truly curious as to why you say this? “Feelings? Cheerleader? Laundry? Dance?As laudatory and inviting as these goals might appear, none of these are about the man that the boy might become.” Do men not need to know about their feelings? Do men not need to understand how laundry works? Is dancing something that a man not need to access (dates etc)?”
I’m reluntant to add more, because I’m sure this will be interpreted as “trollish”. But I’ve been invited by several, so I will.
Of course, men need to know about their feelings, understand laundry and maybe even to dance (especially if their name is Bobby Burgess). All that and all the rest is the reason I said that the list could be considered laudable. But it is still so dreadfully incomplete that it comes across as part of an agenda.
Which is why I asked about the author’s intent.
And those last words show *my* agenda, which forces me to defend myself in more detail.
What I *think* the author was trying to do was help women do a better job of raising sons, especially without the presence of a father. If so, I insist, her list either intentionall or unintentionally omits exactly those things a father would teach.
That’s not surprising. In fact, its normal and healthy for a mother to think along the lines she detailed in the article. But she should not think that this is anywhere sufficient to replace a father.
And if the author is actually trying to encourge fatherless childraising (“Hey look! This is easy! All you have to do is follow these 25 suggestions…”), then I really object. I don’t think that’s her intention, though.
This is supposed to be “The Good Man Project”. Like it or not, “The Single Motherhood Project” is inimicable to that effort.
Um mate, where the heck did you get the idea that this list is meant to “replace a father?” She specifically mentions fathers in number 20…and mentions how important they are. This is very clearly an article directed to heterosexual mothers with a male partner (possibly married).
You seem to be looking at the specific activities mentioned (i.e. cheerleading, laundry, etc) and missing the message behind the different points she’s making. In other words, look at the forest, not the trees. “Learn how to throw a football,” for example wasn’t about football, but was about making sure you take an active role in your child’s life and hobbies.
I saw nothing in her post to indicate she encourages anything other than helping to raise good children. She mentions fathers, and offers what she, as a woman and mother would add. I don’t think the list is to help women replace fathers.
I would go so far as to say that lists like this are a little bit silly, because most (perhaps not all) things mothers and fathers teach (or should in my opinion) are pretty similar. To be kind, loyal, honest, hard working, attentive to their own feelings and others, dedicated to the work even in the face of difficulty.
Parents can act as positive mirrors to reflect the innate goodness of the child and candles to guide them towards strong values.
But I don’t think that means one parent isn’t needed necessarily. Sometimes a parent dies or there is a divorce. Some parents are gay or lesbian. This particular example appeared to me to be a model of a hetero couple.
Perhaps this is obvious and goes without saying, but “Love him unconditionally and show it” should be on the list in my opinion. Nothing is more important than that.
Very, very nice.
Liked it and wish my mother had read it.
I do think there’s room for one more that I can think of:
Teach him it’s important to know how to fight; the world is a mean place sometimes.
but…
teach him to know when and for what reason; people who LIKE fighting are the reason the world is mean.
I enjoyed this list, especially since I have four boys who are wild, extreme, smart, and passionate in all they do.
I have did all of theses things except for the laundry (they’re too young) and there is much more that could be added to it because that is the joy of parenting. It never really ends.
I have always encouraged my sons to have an open mind when in their play zone. They have played with doll houses, paper dolls, and enjoy looking at the little furniture that goes in the antique doll houses. Does this make them less as boys? No, it teaches them to learn how to a well rounded person. Trust me, they can get out there and get dirty, destroy things, and build it up again, like any other young man.
I love the list.
But I’d include:
“Teach him to stand up for himself and his gender when others deride it.”
“There will come a time when he will encounter people with certain prejeduces towards his gender. Make sure that when that happens to tell him it’s perfectly okay to speak out against it. Also, let him know it’s okay to assert boundaries, especially if they’re being violated by girls. Teach him that girls have no right to use physical violence against him and get away with it.”
See now, I actually think there’s no need to teach a kid, specifically, that there is prejudice in the world. He’ll encounter it. Give him the tools to combat it, teach him to be self-assured and yes, to know that it’s okay to speak out if he’s being harmed (by anyone). I don’t think there’s a need to teach a boy that girls have no right to use physical violence against him, specifically….but rather teach your boys that no one has a right to use physical violence against him.
HeatherN: “See now, I actually think there’s no need to teach a kid, specifically, that there is prejudice in the world. He’ll encounter it.”
Which is why I qualified it beginning with “There will come a time…” He may or may not, but when he does that’s when the tools will come in handy.
HeatherN: “I don’t think there’s a need to teach a boy that girls have no right to use physical violence against him, specifically….but rather teach your boys that no one has a right to use physical violence against him.”
Yes, I would change that to teaching boys that no one has a right to use physical violence against him.
But I still will say “Including Girls” because they don’t feel they can speak out against it since people still believe “Girls can’t harm boys”.
“He may or may not, but when he does that’s when the tools will come in handy.”
Right but I was sort of saying…those tools can be taught without having to bring up gender or discrimination. Self-esteem, confidence, awareness of one’s boundaries, knowledge that they can speak up when in trouble – all of these things are good tools to give your kids, regardless of whether they face discrimination or not.
The only reason I bring this up is because I know people who’ve been raised with the mentality – you will be discriminated against (because of race, gender, whatever), and here’s how to deal with it. Most of the time, though, the bit that sticks is the – you will be discriminated against, part. And then that person ends up going through some complicated and mixed emotions of shame, anger and isolation…because of the expectation that people will discriminate. And there’s one acquaintance of mine I can think of who has just become extremely over-sensitive to it. Real discrimination exists in this world, but she will see it even when it’s not there…because she’s grown up expecting to see it.
I think it’s important to make sure they know they can come to you (whether you’re a mother or a father) if/when they do come up against prejudice, and then maybe talk to them about the discrimination they may face (because of their race, gender, etc).
Oh I see it what you’re saying, HeatherN. Have balance.
Yes. I agree. I’m trying to overcome the over-sensitive part myself.
“10. Give him something to believe in” The picture depicts kids praying; what would an atheist mother teach her kid in lieu of that?
@Agemaki , belief in something doesn’t have to be God, the image is simply easily recognisable and transfers an idea. An atheist mother can teach her son to believe in himself, to have confidence to make the right choices and accept the consequences of his decisions.
Awesome list. Add stand up for yourself. Don’t hit a girl and always know when to put up your dukes. Being able to put a name to the feeling and admitting it is a huge issue with men today. Finding a good man these days is hard. My son just became an adult. I raised my son, who has so much growing up to do; and, at twenty, he still acts like he’s fifteen.. with a license. But, I’m so glad to see I did everything on that list and my son turned out to be a loving, confident, intelligent man-child who is finding out what it is to be a young man. Now, it’s about learning how to be financially responsible and taking on the responsibility of being a young adult. Do you have a list for cutting the apron strings?
“Add stand up for yourself. Don’t hit a girl and always know when to put up your dukes.”
Well now…seeing as I’m here and I’ve seen the comment…isn’t that a little bit problematic? Sometimes a boy’s got to “put up his dukes” to protect himself from a girl. When I was like 10 or so, I used to goad boys to take a swing at me. Not because I wanted to be hit, and not because I was trying to get them in trouble. I just thought the ‘don’t hit a girl’ thing was so stupid that I tried to force boys to break out of it. It never worked, which either says something about my goading skills or their self control…but the point is that a blanket ‘don’t hit girls’ rule doesn’t really benefit anyone. Childish girls might take advantage of it (even with the best intentions), and bullied boys can become victims because of it.
I agree with HeatherN. We need to put a stop to the “Don’t hit girls” rule because it allows certain types of girls to take advantage of this rule and torment a boy physically or violate his boundaries physically without so much as a consequence.
Well I’ll add that I was disciplined for my behaviour, though not as strictly as a boy would have been if he had hit me.
“I just thought the ‘don’t hit a girl’ thing was so stupid that I tried to force boys to break out of it. ”
I have to ask, why? Not, “why did you think it was stupid” but what made you decide to try and break boys out of it?
I’m just curious. It’s not really a mindset i can easily picture a ten year old having.
And I’m not really surprised you were never successful. “Don’t hit girls” is pretty heavily embeded in the psyche of the average boy. If a girl beats you up, you might get razzed for it for a few days, but if you beat a girl up, you’ll pretty much have to fight your way through the entire male roster.
I just wanted them to do what I wanted them to do. I had a problem thinking I could force people to agree with me when I was a kid. Maybe I was 11, I just remember it was still elementary school.
This list is fairly awesome and I’m in agreement with 99+% of it… the only thing I have (fairly mild) objections to are some of the word choices in #20 I don’t like the way it was phrased as “*let* the father do…” because one of the problems I have with the way parenthood is portrayed is that the mother is the “real” parent and dad is just her junior helper. In that same vein I didn’t like the way she stated “…and his dad will secretly come ask you.” I understand she was probably just trying to be humorous, especially since the target audience is other mothers… but still.
I think this whole use of the word “let” is reeeeeeaching here. But perhaps our author will chime in and let us know her opinion.
Great article – except for the bit on the punching bag. Not sure we should be teaching them to punch to let out their frustrations?
I would suggest you study up on the chemical effects of testosterone. You don’t have to ‘teach’ a male to express his frustrations physically – if you shoot a woman up with it, she’ll act the same way. You have to teach men to express their frustrations physically in a healthy way.
It would probably be best to remember that, just as a man doesn’t know what it feels like to be a woman, a woman has no idea what it feels like to be a man.
better a punching bag than a person.
Better a 400m track than a punching bag. Gods.
1. Let them make and clean up their own messes.
2. Give them some land all their own. The backyard is for the boys and the dogs to do with as they wish. I dont remeber where I read this quote but it resonates in my heart. “I’m raising boys not grass”.
3. Have a space in the house where their stuff is sacred. For my kids it is their rooms. If they dont want anything destroyed or accidently thrown away, it needs to be in their room. Otherwise it is free game.
(For some reason the first part of my comment was lost.)
Great article as a mom of two boys I wanted to add to the list of 25.
I see the problems with #7 and #8 also but those have been addressed, so here’s another: as a gay man, my main objection is to #3 – specifically to “someday his wife will thank you”. So unnecessary, so presumptive. How about, “perhaps someday, your son will thank you”?
Eh, it’s directed at mothers, specifically. And yeah, it’s pretty obviously directed at heterosexual couples…but it wasn’t offensive about it. It’d be nice if everything were more inclusive, but unfortunately we still live in a heteronormative world. Often when people are addressing what they think is the ‘average’ person, it ends up being directed at straight people.
I mean, I’m a lesbian (and a pretty vocal and politically motivated one, at that)…but I could get over #20, for example.
Heather, I understand why it’s directed at mothers, but I don’t understand why it’s directed at hetero couples and, as a lesbian yourself, I’m surprised you’d follow the group thinking on this.
Gotta pick your battles, is why. Is this article saying that hetero homes are better than same-sex families? No. She is supporting a boy having both positive male and female role models, but nowhere in there does she suggest that those role models have to be the biological mother and father. As much as I’d like everyone to be aware of heteronormativity, and actively do what they can to challenge it, I also understand that sometimes people just don’t recognize it. Sometimes that’s worth pointing out, and sometimes it isn’t.
This is a very positive article with a positive message. It supports letting a boy be themselves, and even manages to include some discussion about how parents need to support their boys when they’re interested in less traditionally masculine hobbies. To point out “hey lesbians and gay men make great parents too,” is to be nitpicky and a bit derailing…because nowhere in here did the author suggest otherwise. Now, if Tabitha (the author) were to reply to our discussion and say something along the lines of “I think hetero families are better than same-sex families,” then I would get more nitpicky and confrontational.
I don’t think it’s nitpicky to call people out on their assumptions but okay – to each his own.
This article could easily be called “25 Rules for Parents with Children” and would have been just as effective.
You forgot #26) Teach him how to cook when he reaches the appropriate age, even if he hates it. My mom tried with me and I threw such a fit she gave up4. Huge mistake, totally on my part. I’d love to be able to cook more than something that comes in a box with instructions on the side and/or something that can be microwaved/grilled.
It’s not too late!