Tabitha Studer knows how important it is for parents to raise boys conscientiously, and so she complied a list of 25 rules for mothers of sons.
by Tabitha Studer
Originally appeared at Tabitha Studer’s blog, Team Studer. Reprinted with permission by the author.
Inspired by a Pin I’ve recently seen about “rules for dads with daughters,” I went searching for a similar list for moms with sons. This search was mostly fruitless, so I was inspired to write my own Rules for Moms with Sons. Granted, my list will not be conclusive and may not be entirely uncontroversial. So agree, or disagree, or take with a grain of salt – but I hope to inspire other moms who are loving, and struggling, and tired, and proud, and eager to support the boys in their lives. You are the most important woman in his life, his first teacher, and the one he will look to for permission for the rest of his life. From “Can I go play with them?” to “Should I ask her to marry me?” Its a big job, but as the mumma, we’re up for it.
1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment. He’ll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.
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2. Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell you to “stop, mom” when you sing along to his garage band’s lyrics. There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you’ve been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade. He will tell you to stop. He will say he’s embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.
3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday his wife will thank you.
4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, “Children become readers on the laps of their parents.” Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you reading…reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles. Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories. They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important. And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.
5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter who you meet – they have some form of the three. It doesn’t have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it’s perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.
6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).
7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).
8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.
9. Teach him to have manners
because its nice. and it will make the world a little better of a place.
10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won’t be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.
11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people’s feelings.
12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You’ll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don’t waste your energy being angry about something inevitable. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.
13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.
14. Go outside with him
turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions. It’s like magic.
15. Let him lose
Losing sucks. Everybody isn’t always a winner. Even if you want to say, “You’re a winner because you tried,” don’t. He doesn’t feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that’s a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again…..) Instead make sure he understands that – sometimes you win – sometimes you lose. But that doesn’t mean you ever give up.
16. Give him opportunities to help others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together.
17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.
This doesn’t just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks – they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing. Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip. Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier. Practice, practice, practice.
18. Answer him when he asks, “Why?”
Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he’s too embarrassed to ask you – he’ll know where to go to find the right answers.
19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.
especially the wipes.
20. Let his dad teach him how to do things
…without interrupting about how to do it the ‘right way.’ If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything. You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers. And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom, you will stay connected to what is happening in his life. Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.
21. Give him something to release his energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give him something to go crazy with – or he will use your stuff. and then you’ll be sorry.
22. Build him forts
Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. For the rest of his life, he’ll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.
23. Take him to new places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.
24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, ‘what happens in between that made you lose that?’ Let’s try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they’re loving and kissing them even more when they’re wild. Kissing them when they’re 2 months and kissing them when they’re 16 years old. You’re the mom – you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets – and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad’s too).
25. Be home base
You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you’re the only one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.
If you enjoyed this you might enjoy Tom Matlack’s 10 Reasons I Love My Wife and
25 Failsafe* Rules for Dads Raising Daughters
For more from Tabitha Studer, visit her blog, Team Studer.
Lead photo courtesy of Dave Goodman
About Tabitha Studer
In taekwondo class we were taught to turn anger into spirit. I would say to teach him to harness and focus his natural aggression into constructive endeavors.
I love this one. It’s probably the best I’ve heard. Thanks for sharing.
Was totally prepared not to like your list and ended up loving it …I agree with everything except OPRAH !
Almost all of this is great! The one exception I saw for a huge red flag for me was Oprah Winfrey. I wouldn’t want my child to have her values – values that say Jesus is NOT the only way for eternal salvation, because He is. But I applaud you for the wonderful things mothers should definitely teach their sons – and also their daughters! So many girls don’t know some of these things today. So – thanks!
i appreciate that the author allows for the option of spiritual diversity and acknowledges that good men can be raised by families who don’t all share the same belief systems. i, for one, am raising our son to respect diversity and differences and to appreciate – and be responsible for – the freedom to choose what one wishes to believe and value. i would be so disappointed in him were he to condemn or criticize someone simply for not holding the same spiritual or religious views that he -or his family – value.
Lisa,
Thank you for responding to Sheila’s comment so appropriately.
If by “inappropriate” you mean narrow-minded and judgemental, possibly even self-righteous, then yep, I would say Sheila was inappropriate. My response, probably not very appropriate, but the truth hurts.
To say that Lisa “responded to Sheila’s comment appropriately” seems to imply that there was something inherently inappropriate about Sheila’s comment in the first place
Having said that, other than OW, I agree with all the women listed. Aung San Suu Kyi is an inspiration of mine as an adult, much as Lech Walesa was as a teenager/young man.
The ‘inherently inappropriate’ comment from Sheila was her narrow-minded comment that Oprah is wrong to accept that there is views in the world beyond Sheila’s staunch stance that Jesus will save us all. From that perspective, she is saying that all mothers should teach their children to disrespect the beliefs and opinions of others, thereby passing on a tradition of narrow-mindness to yet another generation which lays a foundation for hate, a principle that Jesus himself does not condone (if I’m not mistaken).
Personally, I have taught my child that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and she must respect the right of others to have an opinion – whether or not she agrees with it. Therefore, while I respect Sheila’s right to her opinion, it does not mean I agree with her. I have also taught my daughter that she is entitled to voice her disagreement with other’s opinions, as I have just done with Sheila. I am not disrespecting Sheila’s right to believe in Jesus or his salvation, but I will disagree with her ignorance to the points-of-views that seven billion people may have on our Earth that differ from her’s.
Food for thought: Knowledge, education and acceptance create Peace on Earth!
Wonderful! I have 2 grown sons, and I did all those things and more!
Right On! I am so emotional today and that just made me cry!
This list is misnamed…it should be 25 rules for parents and their children. It has nothing to do with the gender of the child and everything to do with raising a respectful child.
I so agree with your comment!
I loved this list, but disagree that they are rules for moms with sons. They are just as true for moms with daughters, or fathers with sons, or fathers with daughters.
I was also a little taken aback with number 10 on the list, but agreed with all the other items.
Why taken aback? Do you feel she should have specifically mentioned WHAT he should believe in? in which case you may agree with Sheila above. Or do you mean the opposite – that he should NOT be taught to believe in anything? in which case you are disagreeing with many mental health professionals who say that people without a belief system live less than happy lives. I taught my son about the underpinnings of most religious thought, and that many people believe in many things. I encouraged him to go to Sunday School when he wanted to, and I encouraged his questions about other religions. He believes in the teachings of Christ, and of Buddha (which are quite similar) but is neither a practicing Christian nor a Buddhist. He has a sister who is a Pentecostalist, and one who is an agnostic, and respects both; such are families.
Well said!
Really insightful, I’d recommend this for anyone
Thank you so much for this. There are things that I do now with my son who is 9 1/2 months old that many people don’t understand – like teaching him words to go with his feelings. This article validated what I live and believe and I will share it with others. Thank you!
26. Acknowledge that the societal pendulum has swung, and tell him every day that there’s nothing wrong with being a boy, and, someday, a man. He doesn’t ever have to think his desires and feelings are wrong, and he certainly should never feel like he needs to sacrifice his life for society simply because he’ll become a man.
Ironically, I think the above message, if it came from more mothers, would really change many of the ailments that our male youth face.
I totally agree. These lists seem to encourage boys to be somehow restrained and girls to do anything they want. The culture of emasculation is ripe in the air.
I believe it is a culture of equality and peace that is evolving, it has nothing to do with emasculation; instead, open-minded parents everywhere are trying to teach their child to be accepting of everyone and realize that gender does not determine dreams and goals. These children are kind and patient, finding solutions with words rather than aggression. Taking the stereotypical aggressive responses from boys does not promote emasculation, it teaches boys strength through intelligent resolve – it makes them better friends, husbands, and fathers. Girls are growing up with more choices and freedoms than their mothers and grandmothers, and, as a result, boys are able to follow their own dreams instead of shouldering the former burden of an image of stoic bread-winner and protector of family tied down by archaic expectations that were relevant when we lived in caves and needed muscle to protect from actual predators. Gender equality promotes choices and freedoms that generations before were denied, if accepted by more people the world would be higher to the ‘God’ every culture is seeking to emulate.
I couldn’t have said it better. That’s the goal, isn’t it? That none of our children (of any gender) should have to feel that they are limited in what roles they can play in society just because of it. That they can all be balanced individuals who can interact with others and form relationships that are mature.
I would add one: realize that he will change you as you guide him.
Great job! As a mother of 2 boys i think your list is spot on. i couldn’t have written it better myself.
Wow! Words to go with feelings? Man, did I ever miss the boat!
absolutely beautiful. I almost cried. I am so looking forward to being a mother to my lil boy when he gets here in three months.
lol batman is a bad example because he lacks brains, integrity, and determination? i’m glad you arent’ my mom.
This woman is 28! aka she hasn’t raised kids and therefore is a horrible person to be giving advice. ludicrous
I am the mom of three boys, the oldest is almost 10. I love the ideas of letting boys be boys, getting their clothes dirty, playing street hockey with them, and giving them lots of opportunities to get their energy out. I carry bandaids in my bag and give kisses and hugs often to fix the injuries of life.
But I was caught off guard by the statement, “Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.” Why are the men described as powerful and the women as beautiful for the exact same thing? The only word change is the main descriptor.
Jen you make a valid point. I would substitute the word “successful” for both powerful and beautiful. Does anyone else have a single descriptive word that could be used?
I understand reading it that way, personally I might just use powerful for both. But I think “powerful” for men and “beautiful” for women was used intentionally, to show the one-dimensional societal expectation of physical strength from men, and beauty from women, needs to be subverted and broadened to include a full spectrum of strengths and talents in both genders.
Andee, if it was intentional that makes more sense and when I reread the “beautiful” women models the writer suggests I am sure that she wants her boys to see that woman are more than just their “beauty.”
I’m still a little misty eyed! I loved this list, it brought back memories of all the things my son and I did when he was younger.
Give him good role models. Divorce @ 55% tests a family’s security to the limit.
Giving good role models may not equate with staying married. Staying married can mean staying in an abusive relationship, which is a very poor role model to give any child. I would say that even if you divorce maintain some kind of relationship with their father if at all possible. Keep the door open to discussion even if you believe that the father (or mother, for another list) is scum! Remember that half of that child came from his father – and don’t be surprised by similarities when they arise.
I completely disagree with number 10. I think it needs to go as a list on parenting advice, saying that one needs to give a child “something to believe in” is ridiculous. Aside from that one gripe, bloody good list.
So you think children should be released into the world, completely untouched by any opinions, values, or guiding principles? That to teach a child to believe in, say, ‘keeping your promises’ or ‘not letting fear make your choices for you’ is, to use your word, “ridiculous”? or are you assuming that “belief” in anything automatically means religion, just because the picture happened to be of kids praying? Teaching children to believe in a set of principles serves the same purpose, of giving them something to turn to with their troubles or hard decisions when you’re not available.
This should be called 25 Rules for Moms with Straight Sons. Did it occur to the author even once that not all men grow up to marry, let alone marry women? While I applaud much of what’s written, what a narrow world you seem to live in, to not acknowledge queer identities in our sons. As someone with a mom who encouraged my sexuality and expression, I am saddened that over 25 “rules”, you couldn’t find one that mentioned diversity in sexuality and/or gender identity.
I’m glad someone else (besides me) said it. I had the same reaction when I saw, “his wife will thank you” (see older comments). This is why kids sometimes can’t come out to parents if necessary – when they hear their parents say stuff like this all their lives, they don’t expect to be accepted. No assumptions and no restrictions, please. Your kids will let you know who they are when they’re ready and if you’ve raised them with an open mind, they will not be hurt in the process.
Rule # 1: Don’t circumcise him.
and why is this?