Craig Heimbuch is seeing yellow at the lack of men’s room etiquette.
Originally appeared at Man of The House
Public restrooms – and men’s rooms in particular – ain’t what they used to be. Watch a Bogart movie and you get the sense that public toilets were once bastions of Art Deco elegance and civility, with nattily attired men slipping the attendant a fin for the mints, the after shave and the freshly pressed towel. And, to be sure, there are still men’s rooms like that out there. It’s just that I never get to go in them. They don’t exist at the airport or in, say, the local mall.
No, most of the men’s rooms I take advantage of are dim, dank, oddly cold places with peeling taupe paint clinging to tin-thin metal stall dividers. The floor may or may not be moist and you don’t want to think too much about what exactly is making it so sticky. A necessary evil, those public restrooms. They are supposed to be there for our ‘convenience,’ but have you ever noticed that they are not really that convenient? I mean, you need a restroom while you are browsing the GAP, so why do you have to walk all the way back to the food court?
I digress. The point is that the men’s room is not a place you look forward to visiting. If you’re like me, you imagine the ladies’ room to be an oasis of comfortable chairs, soft indirect lighting and Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos being wafted softly through the lavender scented air. Why else would they seem so excited to go? And in groups none the less. The mythic ladies’ room is, in short, the exact opposite of the men’s room, of which the most positive feature is often the ongoing graffiti battle going on between two lewd, key-wielding teenagers hell-bent on sullying the name of each other’s mothers.
So, if no man in his right mind enjoys a trip to the loo, the least we can do is to try and make the experience as painless as possible for one another. And it’s with this in mind, my fraternal brothers of the public john, that I offer these seven simple rules to remember when it comes bathroom etiquette. They are easy to remember and should, if everyone adheres, make this necessary evil a little less painful – perhaps, even, enjoyable – for everyone.
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Rule #1 – The Buffer Urinal
What’s more uncomfortable than rubbing elbows with a stranger while standing, legs akimbo to avoid the puddle, at the urinal? This is basic field strategy here guys. Dave Barry covered this years ago. You never, ever, ever, select a urinal directly next to one already in use, not when there’s a choice anyway. If there are three urinals to choose from, pick one on the outside. Leave the center one for the guy who may actually die if he doesn’t get to the bathroom. If the one of the outside ones is in use, choose the one on the opposite end of the bank. If both outside ones are in use and only the center one is available, wait. One of the other guys will be done soon.
Rule #2 – Announce Your Presence
If you are using a stall and have the place to yourself, it’s one thing. But as soon as you hear the door open, you need to make your presence known. Am I suggesting that you say ‘hi’ and introduce yourself? Absolutely not. No way. Instead, do a little cough. A sniff can be mistaken for the shuffling of a shopping bag or a heavy winter parka. Plus, you may not want to be inhaling through your nose. I’m just saying. A cough is more effective, distinct and has the added bonus of being absolutely, 100% impersonal. Let’s remember, you’re in there to get something down, not to make a friend.
Rule #3 – Ignore My Kid
This should go without saying. I shouldn’t even need to put it here, but, inevitably, there is a guy every weekend – at Costco, say – who breaks this cardinal rule and feels the need to comment about the fact that my kid either a) really has to go or b) “made it.” This second one is especially creepy. It implies the guy was monitoring my kid’s transaction somehow and is especially creepy when accompanied by a groan, the kind someone does as they stretch in the morning. My kids are my business. I don’t like the idea that they need to be in the men’s room. I’d rather use the family bathroom, but it seems like it is always taken when I need it the most. My children will have enough reason for emotional scarring. They don’t need Old Man Winter making a comment regarding their “pee-pee.”
Rule #4 – No Eye Contact, No Talking
Okay, I have had exactly one interesting conversation with a stranger in a public restroom. It was at a grocery store. He was old, a WWII vet who was waiting for his meds. He seemed a bit lost and confused and began talking to me as I was washing my hands. But that one incident does not make it okay to speak with or look directly at another man in the men’s room. It’s never okay. Don’t be the guy who walks into the bathroom and tries to strike up a conversation or says something like, “Whew, it smells like Big Foot’s tomb in here!” Even if it were funny, the situation does not call for comedy. If there is, for some extreme reason, an occasion that necessitates inter-personal communication, eye contact is strictly prohibited. Stand, stock still, eyes forward like a Marine on inspection. When entering and exiting, keep your eyes down. When standing at the sink, it’s okay to look at yourself in the mirror, but absolutely never should peeking at your neighbor be allowed. Ever.
Rule #5 – Clean Up After Yourself
If you dribble on the seat, leave a mess of water and soap around the sink or miss the waste basket with an errant paper towel, pick it up. This isn’t elementary school, this is a men’s room. You may be in a huge hurry to get out of there and I understand that, but come on, you’re an adult. Act like it. If you leave drops on the seat or a toilet unflushed, that automatically removes that particular facility from use for at least 10 hours. Have some decency. And while you’re at it, after you rip off some paper towel, wipe the push bar and start the roll out so the next guy can rip a piece directly off. Why should I have to suffer your laziness the next time I go to get some paper towel only to touch an oddly gelatinous coating on the handy push bar? Clean and dry, that’s how you should leave the place. Repeat the backpacker’s mantra to yourself over and over: “Leave no trace. Leave no trace.”
Rule #6 – The Proper Stance
Whether in a stall or at a urinal, keep your stance narrow and your positioning square against the target. In the stall, a wide stance could lead to unexpected touching or, worse in the case of Senator Larry Craig, a political scandal. It’s important at the urinal too. No one wants to touch boots while you’re doing that. And if you stand at an angle, you’re likely to incur civilian backsplash casualties. I shouldn’t have to wear a disposable poncho into the men’s room because you don’t understand that the angle of incident is equal to the angle of reflection. In short: AIM.
Rule #7 – Don’t Linger
I am as guilty as the next guy of spending, perhaps, a bit too long in my bathroom at home. A lot of times, it’s the only time I get to myself to read or get caught up on all the staring and doing nothing I have fallen so far behind on since the kids came along. But, not here, not in the men’s room. Those who linger here are waiting for something. What? A chance to mug someone? A new friend? A visit from aliens? How am I supposed to know? It’s not something I do. When it comes to the men’s room, think about Chile’s. ‘Get in. Get out. Get on with life.’ Put an end to the awkwardness and discomfort. Do your thing and move on. The men’s room is not the place to stop and smell the roses.
Photo of line of white porcelain urinals in public toilets courtesy of Shutterstock.
About Craig Heimbuch
I’ve thought before that a men’s public bathroom is the only place where another man can completely ruin your day by merely making a 90 degree turn.
WOW – I was expecting some kind of ironic and even humorous take on the issue – and yet all it seems to do is express the view that all men should view all other men as Homosexual, Paedophile and Bizarre!
Someone has issues!
“…eye contact is strictly prohibited…”, ” When standing at the sink, it’s okay to look at yourself in the mirror, but absolutely never should peeking at your neighbor be allowed. Ever.”…. It makes the average rest room sound like down town Kabul on a Saturday night!
… and you failed to address what two men who know each other should do if they are talking and enter together! Do they have to act like strangers for fear of being seen as deviant? … may they acknowledge each others presence … and communicate openly – even as two heterosexuals who may be mistaken for other types… due to some bizzare ideas that others hold?
Seconded.
Several of these rules are not etiquette about making public spaces and interactions more civilized but about homophobia and other masculinity hangups. It’s far more awkward and weird to ignore the existence of other people, or treat them as if they’re contagious, than it is to politely acknowledge them even if you avoid making small talk. Marines on inspection may be rigid and silent, but nobody in the restroom is being inspected here except in the minds of the homophobic and self-conscious. I don’t have personal experience in the military, but I’d bet Marines in a latrine are pretty open and comfortable.
Also, it strikes me as homophobic, cowardly self-conscious, and awkward to stand around behind other guys taking a piss while a urinal is open, even if it’s a dreaded center urinal between two occupied ones.
The author also missed an actual rule of etiquette: get off the phone!
Question:
If you were a man you would know that these “rules” are almost universally accepted by men in public bathrooms. It has nothing to do with homophobia and everything to do with going to the bathroom being a private affair. You would also notice that we don’t tend to make eye contact with other men in other situations either, because it’s usually read as a threat.
“and you failed to address what two men who know each other should do if they are talking and enter together!”
They continue to talk, no surpise here.
“Also, it strikes me as homophobic, cowardly self-conscious, and awkward to stand around behind other guys taking a piss while a urinal is open, even if it’s a dreaded center urinal between two occupied ones.”
That isn’t what the author implied at all. He said that you only take the center urinal if it is the last one available. But it is indeed refreshing to see women harshly judging the inner workings of masculine culture.
If you insist on reading male perspective, please refrain from judging us. Women do it all the time everywhere else and it’s getting really old.
You do know Media Hound is a man, yes? He is. He just seems to see things differently than you, Jimmy.
Thanks for judging my post and stereotyping it as that of a harpy female. Unfortunately, you’ve revealed more about yourself than you have of me. Let me set some things straight for you:
(1) I am, in fact, a 29-year-old American male. Believe it or not, the male existence isn’t of a single perspective and experience. I can disagree with you and still have a penis. That your immediate assumption otherwise speaks to your harsh judging of the inner workings of masculine culture rather than mine.
(2) You’re right.; the factual premise of the sentence of mine you quoted isn’t what the author implied at all.. it’s exactly what he stated: “If both outside ones are in use and only the center one is available, wait. One of the other guys will be done soon.” (Rule #1, last two sentences.)
(3) A rule can be “universally accepted” by men and still be based in homophobia, whether or not you’ve thought about why things are the way they are.
(4) You shouldn’t start your comment with “Question:” unless you actually have a question, rhetorical or otherwise.
I disagree about the urinal buffer in one respect. While certainly you shouldn’t stand next to someone if there’s another urinal available, if the only available urinal is one next to one in use, you have the right to use it. Separately, however, urinal dividers should always be present.
I thought a public men’s restroom was the worst possible place in the world until I got a cleaning job in college. Some women are truly disgusting and carelessly toss unmentionable items in the toilet and around the bathroom – never mind what they can do the plumbing (and how gross that is to clean).
Love this article. I did a video on this subject using puppets. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHizPWYSZgI&feature=share&list=UUjBdcI5Sll-b7El8wc5IL2A
Thanks for this article! Gives me a great insight on what men’s bathroom etiquette should be like. Raising an awareness of the importance of toilet etiquette. Check out our blog: http://loveourtoilets.wordpress.com and please follow us on Twitter: https://twitter.com/LoveOurToilets and ‘Like’ us on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Love-Our-Toilets-LOT/413763205347815
“Coughing” while inside a bathroom stall was traditional a preliminary move for cruising the guy in the next stall – making your presence known to the other guy. I believe a senator got arrested for this kind of shenanigans.
The only thing you should do while in a stall is make sure the door is secure and that nobody can reach over the top of the door and steal your stuff.
I skipped the whole first part of the article, and just breezed through the rest. This guys needs an editor!
I am so sad to see such a fear based, sexistt and faintly homophoic article!
FIrst off, having been inside many ladies washrooms – they are not the glorious bay you describe – they are more often than not, as crowded as man’s facilties, and the reason they go in groups, is so that they can do what most men, would never do in a washroom – TALK – and talk openly, about the dates they are with; their exit stratgeries etc.
Secondly – the Buffer or SISI zone as it is known by others ( Sexual Insecurity Seperation Insistance ) is a kick back to the bad old days, when males were terrified of being persumed homosexual…therefore did everything in their power, to avoid any contact with other men ( unless it was in some competive venture where they were kicking each other’s asses..) – this is predmonitaley North American fear. Men all around the globe have realised that you can stand beside a perfect stranger, urinate and leave WHILE not addressing or inferring on your sexuality in any way, shape or form!
That’s right Victor, peeing is just about peeing.
Thirdly – the lack of talking, again goes back to the SISI zone …..uncessary lingering, or talking may make others question your intent on being in the toilet ….and imginge on your masculine identity. It is based on the incorrect idea, that man who are attracted to other men, are somehow feminine ( this is because we have been taugh, incorrectly, that ALL males are attracted to females…and ALL females are attracted to males…therefore if you are male and are attracted to other men, you must somehow be female, in some way or another….) …..
It is also based on the total lack of understanding, that even if there was a male in the space, who was attracted to other men….that they would automatically attracted to ANY male in the space.
This is false….
.A- they may not find you that alluring
B – even if they did, men who are attracted to other men, have had years of socialising in male only spaces where they have learnt to control their expression of attraction and for them, it is not so much of big deal.
They have spent years in gyms, locker rooms, change rooms, toilets etc alongside other men. It is not some hugely titaltaing experience as it would be for a man who is attracted to woman, to say be in a woman’s locker room.
Trust us…the novelty wears off over time!!
These are old rules for an old world, full of old men, with old fears. …..Why would we want to push those onto a new generation with better, broader, more open worlds, and less fear??
I thought it was great. Made me laugh and I have heard these rules from my husband when he is explaining how some guy grabbed his shoulder at the urinal. Big
nono! For anyone that thinks women’s bathrooms are nice…NOT! I’ve seen some gross sh*t over the years. There’s no nice music with butterflies flying and the scent of perfume.
Coughing is only impersonal if it is not a forced couch announcing your presence to the guy standing at the sink.
The irony is acting out on social anxiety issues, like the author has, can at times present the wrong idea.
Who in their right mind forces a couch every time they leave the stall unless they are surreptitiously trying to send a message, any message? Honestly, any person unaware enough to not hear the toilet flush or the flow of piss entering the bowl and becomes shocked that their is someone else in the bathroom has their own perception issues.
Ah, I see you mentioned coughing when you hear another guy “entering” the stall. Why would you intentionally make your presence known in such a surreptitious way unless it wasn’t personal? A forced cough is the ultimate way to send person signals in a covert manner. You are acting out on some distorted view that you should feel compelled to “send a message” to the guy in the next stall (because of some guilt of just being there?), yet you feel like there should be no contact whatsoever with the person? Very contradictory. You sound like you have some bad social anxiety issues. I have had these issues before. The problem: acting out in such ways can cause mixed signals. Like the other poster said, you may be sending out on “invitation” with your forced coughing.