The recent Newsweek article on The Growing Demand for Prostitution is leading to some needed and heated discussion about male sexuality. Leslie Bennetts’ piece is based on a brand-new study of men who buy sex, and the first shock is how much difficulty the researchers had finding men who didn’t pay for sex.
…buying sex is so pervasive that (the researchers) had a shockingly difficult time locating men who really don’t do it. The use of pornography, phone sex, lap dances, and other services has become so widespread that the researchers were forced to loosen their definition in order to assemble a 100-person control group.
“We had big, big trouble finding nonusers,” Farley says. “We finally had to settle on a definition of non-sex-buyers as men who have not been to a strip club more than two times in the past year, have not purchased a lap dance, have not used pornography more than one time in the last month, and have not purchased phone sex or the services of a sex worker, escort, erotic masseuse, or prostitute.”*
The second shock is about men’s honesty – or lack thereof – around this issue.
In the past 24 hours I’ve gotten at least a dozen requests to address this Newsweek piece, almost all of them from women. And several asked me the same plaintive question: are men really like this? One woman wrote, “Now I’m looking at all the men I know, and wondering what it is they’re really doing – and thinking.” Another wrote, “I’m so depressed. It seems like it’s impossible to find a man who isn’t addicted to porn.”
What’s so frustrating isn’t just the percentage of men who pay for sex. It’s the percentage of men who lie about it to their wives and girlfriends, or who minimize the frequency of their porn use. “I used to have a problem with porn” is the grim equivalent of the famous “I used to have an eating disorder.” All too often, that’s wishful thinking if not outright deception. Frequently, what guys try to explain away as a past problem is instead an ongoing habit.
Because so many men are dishonest about sex, either lying directly or being “economical with the truth” about their private behavior, women are left feeling unsafe and mistrustful. Of course, not every single man uses porn or buys sex in other forms. But a great many do, as Newsweek reminds us, and they do include husbands and boyfriends, brothers and fathers, bosses and teachers, coaches and co-workers. That so many women are unsettled by that reality is as much a reflection of what they don’t know about the men in their lives as what they do.
Before we can have the important debate between those who advocate for abolition and those who push for decriminalization of sex work (a key point in the Newsweek article), we need to first get honest about what we’re doing when no one’s watching.
I’ve heard from many guys who tell me that they lie about porn (and the other kinds of sex they may buy) because, as one put it to me, “women go ballistic when you tell them the truth.” But it’s not women’s job to ratchet down their anger in order to make it safe for men to get real. We owe it to the women we love – and to ourselves – to have the courage to name what it is we’re doing and how often we’re doing it.
Whatever your beliefs about porn and prostitution, we should be able to agree that the women (and men) who do sex work deserve to be treated with human dignity rather than contempt. In the same way, wives and girlfriends deserve the truth. It’s not too much to expect, and it’s not too much to ask.
* Lots of guys say that they only look at free porn online, and they object to being lumped in with those who use cash or credit to buy access to sex. But of course, virtually all “free” porn sites are supported by advertisers who often pay based on web traffic. Each visit is monetized one way or another; anyone who thinks he isn’t contributing financially to the industry because he isn’t paying doesn’t understand the economics of the web.
photo by carabendon / Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
I agree with the spirit of this post. Men who use sex services, lie about it, and know that their S.O. doesn’t want them to use it are absolute filth of the worst kind. Not because they use sex services. But because they have the audacity to enter into a relationship on false premises, and then pretend as if they don’t understand why anyone would be so angry when their deceptions and lies are uncovered.
If you have a visceral and fundamental objection to the bedrock foundations of what constitutes a “relationship” or “monogamy” in your partner’s mind, why are you dating them?
This isn’t about whether or not porn is a right. It’s about people who abuse their partners by doing something they full well know they would object to, and then lying about it. You want all the perks of a relationship without having accountability to that person. You will pretend that they do not have equal right to negotiate the terms of your relationship, and then lie to them, knowing full well it will hurt them. And you will do this to the people that you supposedly care about above almost all other people.
“Men who use sex services, lie about it, and know that their S.O. doesn’t want them to use it are absolute filth of the worst kind.”
Worse than men who actually rape, torture, and kill other humans?
Give me a break. This is just the type of hysteria that drives men into underground shame over their sexuality.
It’s called hyperbole for the affect of expressing my extreme disapproval. It’s a fairly common writing style, and I don’t like being accused of bad faith for someone that both you and I know I surely didn’t allege.
I really don’t care about whether or not people use porn. I expressed as much when I explicitly said “not because they use sex services,” and then continued with, “but because they have the audacity to enter into a relationship on false premises, and then pretend as if they don’t understand why anyone would be so angry when their deceptions and lies are uncovered.”
From this fairly easy to understand statement, you should have been able to conclude that it wasn’t the way men (these men, not all men) express their sexuality or the gender of the people studied that I had any issue with. It was the fact that they LIED about it, and used that deceit to both poison the bedrock trust of their relationship while accusing the other party of bad faith and assuming no responsibility for their falsehood.
A lot of the people who lie about the use of sex services may do it out of shame. But they also do it out of a selfish desire to avoid equality and transparency with their partner. They behave like petulant children who, if they don’t win a game, throw the board across the room and accuse the other person of cheating.
I have no respect for liars. I would feel absolutely the same way about women who lie about their porn use to their partners. This isn’t about gender or porn or male sexuality, it’s about pathological lying that poisons the trust and equality necessary for a health relationship.
talk about high drama. Your response is over-the-top. I don’t see the correlation to the original arguement at all.
I so don’t need male “feminists” who buy into the same rigid gender essentialism that conservatives do and act as though they need to “protect” me from Teh Big Bad Pron, thank you very much. I read and even write plenty of graphic material myself. I guess that makes me… what, not a Twoo Womban or something, according to your theory? Also, Melissa Farley is completely full of crap, and since I’m childfree and uninterested in getting married ever, people here can spare me their heteronormative, pro-natalist views on why Pr0n is Bad.
Also, Hugo, I’m completely unsurprised to find out you’re a youth pastor. Can’t beat liberal xtian clergy when it comes to patronizing smarm with a veneer of progressiveness. Feel free to delete this comment, as I’m sure you will, as I’m not being a “polite” and “civil” “lady” who’s oh so thankful for your protectiveness.
I’m sure it’s been said before, but one of the things that troubles me about the article is lumping porn usage in with visiting a prostitute. This may be one reason it was so hard to find anyone who had never done any of the things on their list.
It also makes it confusing to talk about relationships and honesty. No woman should ever have to put up with a partner who is getting lap dances or visiting a prostitute. It’s completely reasonable to dump a guy who has or to never get involved with a john. It’s not going ballistic to get mad if your partner visits a strip club. If going to prostitutes and getting lap dances are wide-spread behaviors, we have a social problem.
Using pornography on the other hand (sorry) is more complicated. There are many good reasons for a woman to object to her partner using it, but it’s not proof he’s a jerk. It’s something couples need to talk about. Both sides need to be more honest – women need to explain why it bothers us. Women need to be able to hear what men have to say, but men need to be able to hear that we don’t like it..
The bottom line is I don’t think we can have a sane discussion of the issues and what to do about them unless we make some distinctions between looking at porn and actually paying a woman to have sex with you.
You can really tell we live in a sex-negative culture when using sexual services is viewed as a social problem of sorts. It is the oldest profession for a reason, people–as long as we can ensure it is safe for the workers involved, I don’t see a problem with it.
I would be angry if a partner lied about it, but I don’t give my partners any reason to lie about it or be uncomfortable. As a bisexual woman, I encourage my partners to use feminist/queer sex-positive porn, incorporate it in our sex life, and have no objection to going to strip clubs with a partner as long as I feel the women are being compensated fairly for their work (things are pretty ok in Montreal). I think it is a matter of not feeling threatened by something as silly and transactional as a lap dance…
Then again, I am a sex positive feminist and so is my (male) partner. I know That means I am in the minority here.
I occasionally use the services of sex workers. I beleive they are not forced, drug addicts, trafficked or extremely poor. They work indepdendently, have fewer clients and only take new clients by reference. they are not high end escorts and some have regular day jobs as waitress or maids. I dont have any disrepsect for sex workers, infact I have a lot of respect for them. I am always courteous and polite to them and we agree the terms beforehand.
I pay for sex because I dont want to get married or pursue a woman for a relationship now. But sex and physical intimacy is a very basic want. I would love to have casual sex, flings and Friends-with-benfits but my expereince and observation tell me that it is not a territory for every guy to venture into. I dont think its easy for a lot of men to attract women for casual sex relationships. I think its very important for a guy to have good looks and be socially attractive in order to pull that off. I am just mediocre in every aspect.
“We owe it to the women we love – and to ourselves – to have the courage to name what it is we’re doing and how often we’re doing it.”
O RLY? Hugo, no. We don’t “owe” anything to someone due to loving them. Love is not a debt. When you love someone you’re not obligated to reveal every minute detail of your life which might potentially be uncomfortable.
Are women honest about how much they masturbate? How much they might ogle other guys? How much money came into the equation? Hopefully, sure, but someone not wanting to openly discuss what they look at isn’t bad, and it is not reneging on some kind of agreement.
Are we also obligated to discuss political literature and religion we read?
The demonization and shaming of men and male sexuality, that this guy does, is nauseating.
Totally agree with Skeptic… This article is meant to put massive feelings of guilt over men. I don’t think I should ever be “ethically” suppposed to tell a woman, or any other person, the truth about how I satisfy my sexual drives when she’s not around or willing. I think sex is a primary basic drive, just like food.
On another article on this site, there is a fat woman whining how easy it is for her to get casual sex with fit young men. On yet another forum on casual sex there are women joking “Men would shtupp anything that moves..there is really no honor in getting laid for us”
What I want women and Hugo Shywyzer to realize and appreciate is, that it is not easy for most men to be promiscuous. most men dont get that option. Casual sex, FWB’s, hookups, Flings elude most men. For most men the only way is to pursue a SINGLE woman for a serious relationship and then start a sex life with her.
Barring married men who are cheating on their partners, most men hire sex workers simply because they want no-strings attached sex / intimacy. Paying for sex is only an alternative to that for most of them.
The sexual marketplace hugely favors women. (for whatever reasons). Women are much much more selective in the casual sex marketplace. There is more pressure on men to be good looking, confident, great in bed, have a good body lifestyle, personality etc. Women can be mediocre in every way and still be as sexually active and adventurous as they want to be.