Beginning today, we will be rewarding the best comment of each day with a little time in the spotlight. We are a conversation, after all, and you guys are as much a part of that as any of us. We’ve had some pieces that have sparked great dialogue, and others that didn’t generate as much conversation as we’d like, but there’s one topic that’s never failed: porn.
Porn gets people riled up and typing away, and Erin is one of our most thoughtful and outspoken recent commenters on the topic. For that, she’s the inaugural recipient of our Good Comment of the Day.
On “Stripper Rehab,” Erin spoke against the exploitative effects porn is having on boys and girls across the country:
It’s of course natural for men to find women beautiful and sexual. What isn’t so natural is how women are depicted through media and how often it’s shoved out there making it normalized. And the sad thing is that you have more young people growing up on porn—like never before. Boys who will wonder why their girlfriends don’t have cantaloupe breasts and girls who will wonder what’s wrong with their very real and natural breasts. And while there is a lot of sexual exploitation of women out there, there is must as much emotional exploitation of men will grow up not knowing how to really relate to women in an authentic and honest way because their only experience is with their hand and computer. But I am glad there are men out there talking about this, being honest about it and truly trying to be good men. We totally need that!
She followed that up with some insight on the situation presented in “The Professional”:
Men’s sexual nature is not violent or sadistic. But a lot of our seedier sexual media displays that cater to male urges are often portrayed as over the top dominating and slightly sadistic. And I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy because men (married or not) hired a woman and actually wanted her to orgasm. That orgasm is still all about him. Not to mention the number of married or committed men that do these kinds behind their woman’s back all the time, while girls like the one in the article try to give warm, fuzzy speeches about how good these men are because they wanted to know what her favorite color was and wanted to make her orgasm.
Erin’s passionate about her beliefs, but she still makes a point to acknowledge the other side of the coin. In both cases, she lets us know men and women ought to act, but then goes on to talk about how societal influences are messing that up. She’s ardent but open-minded, and that’s how we want all of our discussions to be.
Cheers, Erin! And to everyone else, don’t forget to comment. Why pass on the chance to see your name up in virtual, blogtastic lights?
About Ryan O'Hanlon
unfortuantly in some cases LOL
While I respect Erin’s opinions and I know she is well-meaned, I find she’s usually one-sided – like many feminists these days.
We all know media are misleading, but that is true for both men AND women: a boy may wonder why his girlfriend doesn’t have “cantaloupe breasts”, just like a girl may complain that his boyfriend isn’t as good-looking as Matthew McConaughey or as charming as George Clooney or as sexy as Brad Pitt.
OTOH, should this people be able to tell apart reality from fantasies, or are media the only one to blame?
This one-sided attitude sounds like men should behave the way women want: they (we men) should never displease women.
But this would mean asking men to be less “authentic” and more “women-suited”, more adherent to a “female mold” of being.
Where “authentic” means sometimes we (men) feel or think in a way that displease women: like in “I would like you having the body of my dreams – but you have not”, or “I love you – but I also like porn”.
Annoying? Sure. Sad? Maybe. But it’s nevertheless pressrealistic; people always long and dream for something more.
For millennia, men have pressured women to be like the men themselves wanted. Now many women are doing the same towards men: “Don’t be yourself, be the way I want/like”.
I firmly disagree. Men and women are (often) different, and that means we sometimes displease each other; while it’s good striving to respect and not hurt each other, I believe is not good at all denying who we are.
We, men and women, should try to “meet in the middle”, but withour denying or losing our authenticity; even when that authenticity means someone is not happy about it.
Because any relationship not based on authenticity is not worth having it.
To me, being a “good man” doesn’t mean “making women happy” (even if I’m really glad when I do make a woman happy
).
It means I strive to do and be my best, yes, but still remaining authentic; because being “fake good” is worthless to me.
And since being authentic sometimes means displeasing someone else (because nobody can ever please everybody all the time), sometimes we should ponder whether we choose to be authentic OR pleasing others.
It is probably one of the great long lived tactics of long lived relationships not to tell your partner that they aren’t the porn/movie star ideal of your dreams. They know that unless they are entirely delusional. We usually try to own our own authenticity while maintaining some level of honor for our partner, or we should. We all age. We all smell funny sometimes, gain or lose too much weight. We can but try to reach a “lover” ideal while also loving, or (I think) we should. After all, the porn star/movie star will likely never be in our beds, but a real live person will be.
@Julie Gillis: “not to tell your partner that…”
Of course, I didn’t mean we have to shout out loud what we think all the time.
I don’t go around telling people about their defects; rather, I love giving compliments and making people feel good about themselves (I’m quite good at finding beauty everywhere).
And I totally agree with you about loving the person we have beside us, just as s/he is. I even find bodily imperfections charming.
The problem with the people I was talking about, is that they would like us not even THINK those things.
It’s like the story about that guy and her wife’s “ruined tits”. He didn’t act his thought, he didn’t tell his wife (he was a good man as best as he could, IMO); still, lots of rabid women attacked him just because he THOUGHT that!
When you can’t even own your thoughts, well, we have a big issue here.
To me, that’s objectification: if you’re not allowed to feel what you feel, but you have to serve someone else’s purpose, then you’re just an object, not a subject anymore.
Here in Italy, where jealousy is considered “healthy”, some women want their men not even notice other women. They want to feel they’re the only woman in the world, for their partner. And if they walk around and the man just glance to an attractive woman, they go nuts.
).
I’m not talking about cheating, I’m not even talking about prolonged staring; I’m just talking about noticing and appreciating beauty (hey, which girl wouldn’t glance Brad Pitt or Hugh Jackman?
This is wanting to “possess” other people, wanting to control their own mind.
Think about porn use. We know men like porn (it’s purposely made to entice them, after all), yet that kind of women would like any man to just drop that interest altogether.
It’s like someone would like to enter my brain and “switch off” a part of it. How intrusive, how “abusive” is that?
Yet, that’s what that kind of women would like to happen. Denying or repress the way men are, and have us behave in the way that would make them happy.
Ironically, that’s exactly what patriarchy has done to women for such a long time… and now those “feminists” (not all of them) would like to do.