What does a magazine article about a sexually submissive man tell us about gender roles?
This article is entirely fascinating to me. (I need hardly say that one should definitely not read the comments.) It ties in, of course, with what I myself recently wrote about how our images of female dominance and male submission are trapped, bound up if you will, in trite images of leather corsets and floggers, cheap jokes from raunchy comedies and stock male fantasies from plain-wrapped magazines.
The author of that article is never whipped, never abused, never insulted or belittled, none of the standard images of male submission that one might imagine from the outside. Yet he is utterly, profoundly dominated and controlled on a level some would find scarcely credible. Clearly, cliché is a poor roadmap in these regions of the human heart.
His writing that article, even anonymously, is an astounding act of naked vulnerability. Even putting aside the very frank details of his genital adventures, or lack thereof, he’s giving us an intimate look at the psychology of male sexual submission, still a taboo subject. Submissive men are openly mocked, regarded as not “real men”, treated as intrinsically weak and effeminate, because they’re subverting heteronormative gender dynamics in the worst possible way. It’s not just that they’re failing to perform the role of the uber-dominant, assertive, all-powerful male, they’re not even trying to perform it. They don’t want to. They reject that role. Therefore they must be belittled, must be gender-enforced and shamed out of existence, so hegemonic masculinity may reign unquestioned.
For all that, though, there’s something I wish was in the article that isn’t, and that’s the perspective of the author’s wife, the mysterious DR. There’s a very sweet moment where she makes him bring her to several orgasms, and then gushes “I’ve been needing that for a day and a half!” but that’s about all we see of her desires. We see a good deal of what he gets out of this arrangement, the sense of arousal and deep contentment at giving up control, at following the rules, but we don’t see her side of it. What need is this feeding in her? How does she feel when he wakes her up with kisses at seven every morning? Did she initiate this aspect of their relationship, or did he?
This article is definitely not one of those bits of one-sided porn that reduces dominant women to fantasy playthings. However, it doesn’t tell us any more about the experience of being a dominant woman than the porn does. Am I the only one who thinks it would be cooler if it did?
Photo— istolethetv/Flickr
About Noah Brand
You might want to check out a German film called “A Woman in Flames”…it is still mystifying about the deeper motivations behind BDSM and how one woman gets involved in becoming a domme…(although it could be making some allusions to German’s fascist past)….Disturbing and haunting movie!
I have a pretty solidly masculine boyfriend but I told him that I wanted to try some role playing recently and to my total surprise, his fantasies have all involved me being in a position of authority and he has to satisfy my every whim. I admit, I have had a little trouble taking a dominant role. It makes me feel self conscious and uncomfortable, which has given me insight into the pressure that men might feel when they are required to constantly be the one in charge sexually. I realized it is nice for me to be able to lose myself in the moment and not think about anything, which is impossible if I’m the one who has to keep deciding what happens next. I don’t know if this is a good analogy, but being the “submissive” one (I use that term loosely because my bf and I are pretty vanilla) reminds me of being a kid on family car trips with my dad. He took care of EVERYTHING – the packing, the driving, the rest stops, the food, the hotel…. The only thing the rest of us had to do was come along for the ride. There was a feeling of safety in knowing dad was running the show. Anyway, I am sure men can have the same feelings but it isn’t acceptable to show it.
As a self-identified submissive male I have always understood my place to be in deference and submission to women. Women in charge – I believe – is the natural order but too often the media gets it wrong in it’s portrayal of submissive men as weak. There are many shades of female dominance that do not involve cuffs, collars and the trappings of BDSM.
Women today have lots of choices and are often in the drivers seat when it comes to relationships. I’m not a masochist though there’s no doubting that my true and preferred place is as a devoted servant and submissive to the woman who has chosen me. In and out of the bedroom, her authority is unquestioned and unchallenged. This does not mean a dominant woman has to make all the decision; it means she has the veto on mine. Female led relationships work because both partners know and respect their role and that of their partner. There’s no jockeying for position or authority. She rules the roost and the submissive wouldn’t want it any differently. He’s there to please her and she’s there to guide him. She gets what she wants: his devotion and obedience; he gets what he wants: her approval and acceptance of his need to serve. It’s a very nice combination.
john
Noah, you just wrote a really nice perspective on the perceived lack of “dominant” women, and how part of the issues it that women aren’t necessarily turned on by the cruel mistress stereotype, and that most femdom porn tends to be male-driven. But the very next kink-related article turns out to be a rehash of stereotypical male-driven femdom.
True, you didn’t write that article, yourself, but it incorporates that same Story of O/Fifty Shades archetype. The guy sleeps in restraints every night? He wakes up, watches porn for hours, then wakes up his mistress/ dominant in time for lazy mid-morning love-making, then fixes her coffee? I’m not saying it’s not true, but this is the kind of fantasy ideal that drives most of femdom porn. It would have been nice to see some perspective on his part, some back story, or some hint of their shared intimacy. Instead, we were treated to a semi-erotic “How I spent my summer vacation.”
It would have been more interesting (or certainly, more informative) to see how such a couple deals with getting up at 5:30 am, struggling over the bathroom, making breakfast, and figuring out what to take out of the freezer for dinner later on. Again, you didn’t write this, so no complaint in that respect. It’s just that we – the public – didn’t get to see anything indicating that these were real people.
Of course, the comments were certainly entertaining. I wonder when the idea of tolerance will extend to those who have non-traditional gender roles, let alone alternative sexualities.