Chris Flux responds to the debate on ‘men being men again.’
A big question of our times that many ask is how ‘men can be men’ without being chauvanistic and homophobic bullies. I believe that simply telling men to be ‘like women’ won’t work. In fact ‘feminising men’ could even spark a retreat back to chauvinism. The answer is to neither raise men to hyper-macho brutes or emasculated wimps. It is to simply raise men to be good men.
All forms of bullying and oppression are signs of weakness, not strength. School bullies, corrupt businessmen, pimps and gang leaders are more cowardly than the guy who always gets bullied at school (who may actually be strong if he develops character and integrity through the experience).
A popular idea in modern social science is one of ‘assertiveness’. This means rejecting the urge to oppress and dominate, yet also standing your ground and communicating your own needs. An idea that has recently gained support in contemporary Christianity is that men are supposed to be Tender Warriors. It sees no conflict between being tough and being compassionate, between being a leader and serving others, between showing mercy and drawing a line, between showing humility and being respected, between being ‘the man’ and respecting the woman as ‘an equal’. Integrity is held as the highest of virtues. John Elderidge (author of ‘Wild at Heart’) believes that God purposes men with “an adventure to live, a battle to fight and a beauty to rescue”.
I believe there is a desire in the human heart for excitement, risk taking and challenge. Yet when those desires include joining gangs, taking drugs and abusing women in brothels, instead of fully satisfy those desires they instead leave a man feeling incomplete.
There are plenty of appropiate and good expressions of those desires: Mountaineering, playing sports, running a business, running a marathon for charity, challenging injustice, become a cop, writing books about things that matter, making love a woman you care about, mentoring young people, traveling the world, parachute jumps, inventing something new, and building orphanages for disadvantaged children. None of these things will hurt anyone (unless your parachute breaks) and yet they do a far better job of bringing a sense of achievement and completeness. This way ‘men can be men’ and everyone benefits.
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photo by USACE public affairs / flickr
Chris – Wild at Heart is a fabulous book. I had it suggested to me by a man. There is also a book called Captivating that is written by Elderidge and his wife that is also good.
I don’t think our society emphasizes enough how much strength and passion can come from a man’s tenderness. And I think more women would be happily open to the idea of more male assertiveness and leadership if it was expressed in positive forms.
Thanks for your response Erin. I agree entirely. Jesus (in my opinion as a Christian) is the most loving, compassionate, emotional intune and tender person to ever live; and yet He is also the most powerful and strongest. If God is Love and God is All Powerful then Love cannot be weakness. Also to quote John Maxwell true ‘leadership is about influence- nothing more and nothing less’. Biblically I believe men are to be the leaders in a family, but this is male SERVANT leadership, not domination or oppression. Eshter, Deborah and Ruth also demonstrate that a woman empowered by… Read more »
please note I don’t think those things listed as positive activities are limited just to men. Many women love adventure, challenge, sport etc… I watched the womens soccer world cup, helped a female candidate win an election campaign, been inspired by female writers and been intrigued by the stories of a woman mountaineer.
Chris, thanks for joining the conversation. I like your approach to this question. Sometimes we get so deep and complex in our thinking about this issue that we forget about the straightforward ways that guys enjoy being guys – and satisfy some of that bravisimo all at the same time. Whether it’s God (for those who believe in God), evolution, culture, socialization, or what, I think there is definitely something that makes men, men and “adventure”, “fight” and “rescue” seem to be right up there at the top of the list.