Aaron Gouveia calls out the NYC moms who claim they want dads involved in the PTA, but criticize the way they run it.
“Men need to step up and be more involved in the lives of their children…but not too involved.”
That’s the mixed message a lot of dads face when they attend mommy-dominated playgroups, athletic events and of course PTA meetings. It’s the last item that’s drawn the ire of Jezebel columnist Doug Barry, as he comments on a New York Times article that finds more and more of the Big Apple’s PTA groups are led by men — and how that’s rubbing some of the women the wrong way.
We all know women have long been the primary caretakers of children. That means the PTA has been the realm of mothers for as long as the PTA has existed. But due to a variety of factors — job loss, underemployment, women earning more college degrees than men, etc — the landscape is changing. And while some of that change is occurring because men are out of work, there is also a fundamental shift in priorities and philosophy among the dad ranks. More men than ever are buying into shared parenting and taking responsibility for tasks that used to be considered “mom jobs.” That includes membership in the PTA, complete with coveted leadership positions. So finally — after far too many years — men have heard the clarion call for more fatherly involvement and they’re taking it seriously. By all accounts this is a great thing.
Except it’s not. At least according to some mothers who are used to things done a certain way.
These people are upset about men taking things too seriously and running the PTA like a small business. Because God forbid these men — many of whom are/were business leaders — apply their valuable experience to an organization that could benefit from an increased amount of professionalism. I guess that’s why Barry feels the need to take unnecessary potshots at dads such as “As more women earn advanced degrees and tackle high-powered, time-consuming jobs, and more recession-dazed men two-step around their homes to the slow drone of Sportscenter, dads are taking a more active interest in their children’s education, which in New York includes turning the school PTAs into mini-nonprofit organizations capable of strong-arming public officials for new swing sets or baking cupcakes for a bake sale with the efficiency of an outsourced factory.” Because, you know, all men who are interested in their kids must feel that way because they’re out of work and have nothing better to do. And we’re all zombies from the Walking Dead drooling all over ourselves while we watch SportsCenter for the 11th time that morning while we ignore our children.
And then there’s this gem “Fathers like 43-year-old Juan Brea — who insists that he’s “not into baking” as if one of his testicles would disappear if he ever donned an apron — are at the vanguard of male-led PTAs, which, according to Brea, run like small business, something he knows a thing or two about since by day he is the chief operating officer at a small nonprofit.” So the guy doesn’t bake. Why is that a bad thing? If the event requires someone skilled at baking and poor Juan can’t cook well, why on Earth would he be designated the baker? It doesn’t make sense. But you know what does make sense? Having a CEO run things. And that’s what Juan is doing. Successfully I might add.
I’m so tired of people criticizing men for not stepping up, but then telling them they’re doing it wrong when they do. Just because these mothers are used to things a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the right way. Or the most effective way. More women than ever are in the workforce, the wage gap is closing and the number of female executives is increasing. And that’s a great thing, because women bring just as much insight, dedication and professionalism to the workplace as men. Honestly, women have gotten the short end of the stick for so long in the business world that it surprises (and saddens) me to hear them essentially doing the same thing to men on the home front.
Criticizing men for coming into their own and taking an active role in the PTA is incredibly bad form. Not to mention more than a little hypocritical. Yet it’s this subtle (and often not-so-subtle) message from some mothers of “Get more involved, but know your place” that turns a lot of guys off and stops them from being more involved.
Ladies, for years you called us out for being absent. And you were right. So here we are, just like you asked. So stop cutting us off at the knees.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
Something reminds me we belong to the human race which is the most disagreeable of all. But that is what gets the best out of us, the need to outshine each other not forgetting sexualising social roles. I personally think dads can do an equally good job as mums, it’s only the formulae which differs.
Seems like women who criticize the men who are trying their best to be involved are just shooting themselves in the foot. The more skillful help, regardless of gender, the better.
It’s human nature to resist change. I’m not saying that excuses the behavior of those women, it just explains it.
IMO, it’s not that the folks who used to be in charge, or still are and are looking askance at men, were or are moms. It’s that they were in charge and don’t like any changes. Threats. As to underfunded, I think we spend more on K-12 than any country in the world, or possibly we’re number two. From time to time, we hear what the urban schools spend per child. Compared to other systems, sometimes in the burbs. Big differences in spending, and if you think spending correlates with results, you’ll get a headache. Decades ago, Sen Moynihan commissioned… Read more »
I live in a suburb outside NYC…I avoid the cliques and political clashing that go on in the neighborhood and PTA, but I do remain supportive and trust that my fellow parents really do want the best for their kids (as do I)….I am a working parent and I send financial support to the PTA and school library (dedicated to my kid’s teachers)….I think sometimes you have to pick your battles….(when I was growing up and attending school in NYC, my mother never went to PTA meetings!)
Re-reading the NYT article here’s where I’m seeing the complaints-men loving the “leadership” but not gruntwork, which seems strangely familiar to me (CEO/secretary M/F split), men worried they need to stop dominating, though I see loads of women doing this too…“I have to make an extra effort not to be perceived as stepping on people,” said Mr. Gottlieb, who has daughters in kindergarten and third grade. “And I think that does have to do with being a man.” The focus on money and business offends me not because it’s men, but because public schools are so damnably underfunded all across… Read more »
This seems silly to me. In my school PTA is half and half and no one gives a crap about which gender it is. Parents should be involved and my guess is both genders are, widely and varied, involved all throughout the US, depending on what roles work. As for the NY business model, yeah I can see the pushback about turning bake sales into business models, but that happens down south too. Income disparity and exposure to different fundraising models means that some schools PTA have well oiled machines filled with controlling parents IN CHARGE and some are very… Read more »
It’s called “Maternal Gatekeeping.” And frankly, it’s not really surprising. Disappointing, but not really surprising.
I’d be more pissed off about the way Doug Barry reacted to this article, but the guy’s writing for Jezebel… I think he’s sufferring enough as it is.
+1